So my busy weekend kept me from posting my reassurances of love to my Boston wife. Don't worry, darling, I haven't forgotten you. I hope you got my messages of love this morning.

I am feeling kind of like someone sprinkled me with happy dust right now. I am wondering how long it will last. I fear it will probably only last until the first miserable person feels threatened by my unsubstantiated happy feelings.

I find them all the more strange since it occurred to me that it is very probable that I am developing allergies. I hope they aren't allergies to cats because that could greatly skew my family relations.

"Love makes up for the lack of long memories by a sort of magic. All other affections need a past: Love creates a past which envelops us, as if by enchantment." ~Benjamin Constant

"Everything that counts is for love... It's the engine of life." ~Annie Proulx

"Never eat more than you can lift." ~Miss Piggy

Quotes that fell from my lips this evening:

"At some point, we're supposed to be young?"

"My favorite naked people are wearing clothes."

So I forgot to list off some of my positive thoughts from this weekend. Maybe it was more of a lack of desire to update my page. My body is unsuccessfully fighting off its hatred for the weather changes and the journal loses the battle for attention. I wonder why that is...

So this weekend I was assured that some of my creations have inspired love. My pinkest baby quilt ever is popular with the lovely Alanna as well as her older brother who is apparently brave enough to risk the stigma of associating with My Little Pony fabric. I was also reminded again of how cute the cutest baby quilt ever is. I find it gratifying to know my gifts are appreciated.

I also got to go for a moonlit walk on Monday evening. As you may not be aware if you weren't roaming through the reservoir of Mordor with the other hobbits and I, it was a full moon. I also noted that I felt pretty good after this extensive walk. I may have to lure people into joining me for long rambles. I believe I have mentioned this before. I should seek out some volunteers.

I have also been nominated as a poetry Ambassador again. That means I should make sure to remind you to read all the poetry you can handle. Maybe this one:

Baby, it's easy to love you
When you tell me that I can
But if you can't be true
And tell me your plan
I won't be here to listen
When you are weeping silence
Watching tears glisten
And thinking of violence
As you claim I broke your heart
When you denied any need of me
So watch me walk, tear yourself apart
Just remember where the fault should be

So I spent most of yesterday hiding under my covers. No, the Boogeyman hadn't come to get me. It was just the weather bringing back the lovely ache in my ears. I find that the best way to deal with this situation is to sleep the sleep of...well...the cursed. I can't seem to have dreams that don't leave me wondering what I am trying to tell myself. It is a sad state of affairs, but, in time, I aspire to be able to understand my own riddles. In the meantime, I will still be trying to work through the riddles posed by those around me.

I sat down with the firm intent of doing something useful, but the only projects I have succeeded in motivating myself into involve fabric and scriptures. I've been working on my talk in my own Bella-esque way for about two weeks now, so I am hoping it makes sense by Sunday. Feel free to drop in and give me moral support. Try not to look confused, that is all I can ask. Well, that and not falling asleep and drooling on the shoulder of the person beside you.

I've also begun working on Christmas presents, which I probably mentioned. It is never too early to get in the spirit, after all. Anyway, I better go feed the cats, but if I conquer my blankness perhaps I will have some joy to share with my proud readers.

So I had another of those realizations that we cat ladies are doomed to have. I love my cats so much because they are honest. If they want you to pet them, they let you know. If they want you to just sit there like an obedient servant admiring them, they also let you know (usually by biting you for breaking the bubble and petting them). I wish more people could be like that. It would be so much easier for them in the long run.

The constant charades and facades must be wearying. I am not referring to grooming here. (After all, I know a lot of people, myself included, who feel inspired to dress up simply because it amuses us or we want to feel the swish of the cloak about our ankles--ah, the cloak--but I lose myself.) I am talking about assertions of disinterest, hatred, disassociation, or even love that they have to wake up each morning and face despite the fact that they have only deluded themselves. Then they try to counterbalance it with random acts of proof, not realizing that when their subconscious guilt kicks in, they only prove more fully that truth they are trying to deny.

My truth is that I see too much, I feel too much, I know too much. I know when they think they are winning. I know when they feel they have won. I know when they feel I am beaten. I know I am already dead. I just keep dying--just to please them. Then I breathe again and laugh. My laughter is infectious. My heart is infected. Not as infected as my dreams though. My dreams tell me I am dead. I love to dream of zombies. It is much better than the dreams that tell me my heart is as nutty as a Mr. Goodbar. Does Annabella Ordena-Goodbar sound sweet or what?

I always get what I want. I just have to work a little harder for it. This means that I will eventually get some quality sleep. I may have to take lessons from the cats. They were both sleeping happily while I was thinking too much and finding the world somewhat lacking in interesting propaganda like the following:

Lick Your Local Demon

Complaints Are Better When They Contradict Each Other

Oh wait, that last one does exist, so I guess I ran out of unique sleep-deprived ideas. So what have I been up to of interest. Hmmmm. Ummm. Errr. Well...

I have been working my way through the fiche, of course. I will probably never see the end of them. I think that the sock gnomes that live in dryers turn those missing socks into fiche and cram them haphazardly into my drawers. I have no way of proving this, but it is worth looking into if you have any ideas for proving it. I also have been spreading sunshine. At least I hope that was sunshine I was spreading and not radioactive pineapple gelatin.

In hobbit news, I am halfway through my first Christmas present of the season. This is when I will lose steam and blow off my high-flying ideals for a month or two or will I? It's not like I am finding much else to do than find song lyrics that remind me that I am not the only one who can't count enough sheep to pass out at night.

"It's late and I'm feeling so tired
Having trouble sleeping.
This constant compromise
Between thinking and breathing."

"Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'm never give in?
Won't say that I'm falling in love
Tell me I don't seem myself
Couldn't I blame something else?

"Just don't say I'm falling in love

~Corinne Bailey Rae "Trouble Sleeping "

because despite the fact that I love you, I just don't care about anything but me."

I wonder if that is the message in the bottle that has yet to wash up on my beach. All the sand on my beach makes it hard to find that bottle anyway...

Today was another day of exploring names and fiche. I also got evaluated based on shortness, ability to make funny noises, and willingness to throw beanbags at targets that will dunk clowns in a bucket of water. I failed on the last one or maybe I was evaluated for some other reason. I am practicing being in denial like those around me, so maybe they'll get tired of playing, too.

"Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

"I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

"I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

"I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and I kind of like it

"I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge..."

~Dixie Chicks "Not Ready to Make Nice"

"There never was any heart truly great and gracious, that was not also tender and compassionate." ~Robert South (1634-1716)

"To have a respect for ourselves guides our morals; to have deference for others governs our manners." ~Laurence Sterne (1713-1768)

"We're drowning in information and starving for knowledge." ~Rutherford D. Rogers

"One must be poor to know the luxury of giving." ~George Eliot

"Every minute your mouth is turned down you lose 60 seconds of happiness." ~Tom Walsh

"True happiness renders men kind and sensible; and that happiness is always shared with others." ~Montesquieu [Charles Louis de Secondat]

I can almost break down and dance with you. I can almost let go and feel myself swaying under your power.

So I haven't been doing a lot of dancing. Sometimes I dance with the microfiche. It makes them feel more complete. I don't get the chance to dance often though. Well, I do dance with the cat, the veils, and sometimes stuffed animals, but I haven't found the right person to tap my toes with. I'd be sad about it if I weren't already sad about something else.

I decided to take in the phenomenon of "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" I was doing well with the guy who didn't know that the largest animal is a blue whale (I clearly remember a great children's book on this subject) and I understand his problem with supplementary angles, but I still got that one, so I didn't get to find out from his section of the program. The next one was okay until they asked that question about teeth. I know I am a mutant, so my answer was bound to be wrong (and it was). Now I feel I should make up for this by visiting a dentist, but last time, they charged me for three of those panoramic x-rays even though it was their machine that screwed up and I still had to have a fourth one...This does not inspire confidence, so I'll continue my personal tooth arsenal of minty string (Rodney's favorite) and bristle massages.

Anyway, when I have nothing more exciting to discuss than oral hygiene, I know it is time to sneak into my bed with a good book. A good thick book...

in which I let my fun side take the wheel.

in which I dance until I fall asleep weary and dream of dancing some more.

in which I stop waiting and take the bull by the horns or let it go as I choose.

in which I give thanks for my blessings.

in which I find an excuse to wear a costume.

in which I accomplish something that will mean the world to someone (even if I don't think anyone is waiting to find a copy of the GAO report in question).

in which I have told someone worthy I love them (luckily, I have cats ;).

in which I have discovered something new (a song, a smile, a sister, a secret...)

in which I have created something of beauty.

in which my words have moved the world.

in which I have stood by my beliefs.

in which I have prayed in faith.

in which I have seen the sun through the darkness.

in which I have bathed, breathed, and been Bella.

So what motivated this entry? A conversation with a dear hobbit friend of mine as well as a conversation with a dear twin of mine (okay, so more like four twins of mine at different times). I speak too often of the refuse of my world. That is right--the garbage. I let it get to me that other people don't see the way I do. I should not expect that. I should not judge anyone based on me as I have quite a balance of bizarre flaws and merits, curses and blessings, oddities and normalcy. So it is my goal to finally do what I said I was going to do:

I am letting it go. I am tired of being the bitter one. I shouldn't be like that. There is too much love and sweetness in me to be wasted. What does this mean to the world around me? I don't know yet. I like to take baby steps, so there is a chance to adjust for those around me to the fact that Bella has metamorphosed yet again. I am, as always, the eternal butterfly and the chrysalis is starting to break open. I hope they can see me for more than the beauty of my wings.

And now for my terrible confessions to myself:

I realize that I have two main reasons people annoy me: a) I fear I behave like that and b) I disagree with their behavior. Consider this a warning that any behavior you have exhibited to me too often may be returned to you. Example: If you have a tendency to do things that affect me without giving me notice, I am likely to do the same to you. My chains are broken. I will not be tied down by my own consideration and respect for others. It would be wise to accept the degree of my affection you have claim to and quit trying to force more from me. Just because you are my friend does not make you my master. That would be for behaviors I disapprove of but don't display because I care too much about putting others out.

For those behaviors that I fear I exhibit, I will just have to watch my own tongue, actions, and facade (if you will). Don't take it upon yourself to help me. The reason I fear so much that I am like that is because I get called on for my faults by people who have the same faults. Example: Comments in church. I know I make them. I do try to keep them to a minimum and in a soft whisper. I suppose I could just write them down--people always feel they have the right to read what I am scribbling anyway (and get angry at me about it).

My Most Terrible Confession: After years and years of people stating the obvious, I confess I am not really a hobbit. I am more likely to be a demon from...but that's another story. I am actually average height (for a girl). I don't have hairy feet. I also have been on a crash diet that I call, "I'm not hungry and I am not eating that. Thank you." In other words, I am not on a diet, but I have been eating less and sleeping less. I guess I finally decided to get rid of my own versions of gluttony. The long and short is that my body has been much less cranky under the "no hunger, no eat" system. And just imagine all the projects I have packed away.

And I had all these fabulous thoughts on Friday the 13th--imagine that. I believe much of the studying world was hiding from this day (or started celebrating early). The library was not as lively or studious or packed as it normally is. This saddened me a little because this is a perfect day for vultures. So few people seemed to agree, but it is all going to work out okay because I am sitting here typing after a fabulous evening of dancing.

Here comes my negative comment: I was a little saddened by how few people who live in town showed up compared to those who came from half an hour to about three hours away. Ah, but we made it worth it. We danced until our feet were tired, makeup was running, people were wanting fanned, and some people were actually falling down on the floor (or was that the song?) Then we ate all sorts of treats. Needless to say between, work, dancing, running my marionette friend (it was the only way he would dance), and typing, I have earned some sleep after these messages:

"It isn't where you came from; it's where you're going that counts." ~Ella Fitzgerald

"let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

"our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists and turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

"let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end...

~Rob Thomas "Little Wonders"

"Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

"Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

"I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word...

"And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see..."

~KT Tunstall "Suddenly I See"

"2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
'Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season'
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

"'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe...

"There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to...

"Sing it if you understand..."

~Anna Nalick "Breathe (2AM)"

Oh, and for those who haven't figured it out yet, the song lyrics are part of my official duty as a poetry Ambassador (who even has the UK poetry.com people wanting her poetry--don't we all?) I am sharing poetry with you. I confess I don't do it as well as those who give it a bass line and some harmony, but you probably don't want that. Last time I sang to myself, it sounded like a country song especially since my throat is kind of gritty right now...

"The most important part..."

So I went to the fabulous dance that I mentioned on Friday. I think that was where I annoyed my shoulders. They're getting over it, and I am still giggling about my marionette. Thanks to all the brave boys who danced with the hobbit and her friends. Of course, dancing with us was all the reward you needed, right?

Saturday found me waking up slightly later than usual and stumbling out to my first present of the Christmas season. I am two thirds of the way through it, so soon I will be moving on to yet another obsession. I may take a breather to finish or, at least, work on one of my personal projects. I still need to clean out a few more boxes to make more storage space for...that's right, fabric. I swear it reproduces when I turn my head.

So after some good couch potatoing, I joined some friends for a clothing party. We looked at t-shirts. We tried on t-shirts, we looked at our official model since some of the ladies are currently pregnant. We ate some delicious hobbit-made cookies. We even talked about men who are brave enough to wear purple. Then it was on to an evening of musical beauty at my friend Micah's recital. Micah is awesome--all good recital attendees agree. I think you'd have to be there to appreciate it, so I will mention that if purple is not available, black is always a good choice. Maybe I am just saying that because I like to wear black, who knows.

Sunday was packed with church, church, church, hanging out with hot chicks and a pot luck. Let's just say, I ate too much delicious bread at lunch, so I only needed to go to the class so other people could have hobbit cake. They seemed appreciative. Today has been less exciting...

Don't you want to be fun
Take off your clothes,
Bask in the sun
Forget what "everyone knows"
And be lost in this moment
With the one who can see
Beyond the years you've spent
Being what you're expected to be

Don't you want to be fun
Let go of these chains that bind
To a world that never won
Anything from being blind
And be held just once by me
In greater admiration and love
Than any world could hope to see
Outside one we shouldn't be part of...

That was a mild attempt to escape from the harsh reality of the world around me. I care far too much to be in such a world as this. I'd explain that, but, as always, I know that only a few believe me and those few don't waste their time with this journal. They have touched the source and really are my friends even if they don't respond to my stalker mail (wives can be like that).

So what is in every blog, journal, and note today? The VT shooting. It's not like we have one of these every now and again to show us exactly how far we have come. We can take away the lives of many other people in a matter of seconds. We can profess our sorrow over it just as quickly. We can say we will make things different. We can offer to change the world in bits and bytes, but how far does it go after that?

We still lock ourselves in bathroom stalls, weeping while our ipod blares so no one can reach out to touch us. We can get on our cell phones and discuss it over and over with every one in our phone book. We can type these entries into the ether. We can feel properly horrified by the pictures that assail us (including the one in the DA today which features some unknown person who may be alive or dead, but is definitely covered in blood.)

Don't get me wrong. I feel for those who died. I feel for those who lost someone. I feel for the shooter, too. I can't imagine what could make them feel that action was right, but I am not normal anyway, so perhaps that is why I can't fathom it. All I know is that this world really needs a crash course in reality. We've forgotten we need each other. We can scream our needs and no one bothers to listen. We can say we want to make a difference, but we can't be bothered to listen to actual real people. I confess that quick connection is so much easier when we are only linked by wires and waves, but isn't it better to feel?

I'd rather reach out to that random stranger, even if it is only a smile. I know that despite the oddity of it in modern society that it touches people. I have stood shoulder to shoulder with a perfect stranger who felt completely at peace in my presence despite my wig and Halloween shirt, simply because I can still communicate that I really would like to get to know them, be their friend, and even stand in companionable silence. Heh, if only the people who think they know me could read me so well...

You know what really shuffles my fiche? When my computer can't keep up with my brain. (If you don't get the shuffles my fiche comment, you have never had to put hundreds or even thousands of fiche back in order.) Back on topic, I often find myself staring glassy-eyed while my computer tries to process my last few commands. I find my life can be stuck in the same sort of lag.

Perhaps, it is just because I have problems with being content to just be in a world where one must be comparative or superlative, preferably the latter. We don't want to just be Bella. We want to be Bella-er or the Bella-est. It's not okay to simply surpass our best, we must surpass all of the those around us. How that tells us our worth, I am not really sure.

Last night, in fact, I was talking to a friend who told me I needed to get a job that paid far more money. It would be nice to be living in the lap of luxury, I'm sure, but I'd rather be happy. Odd that I don't completely have either of those right now, eh?

Of course, I must have a balance to my lag. What balance could I mean? The activity this evening was much too short. We played a very sisterly version of Family Feud and ate strawberry shortcake. Okay, so I liked the fact that the cake was short, but I was oh so sad that the activity was. We have some great girls in our ward (and I am not just biased because I am one of them).

Must I continue to wake up every morning to the same topic of conversation and news? Are we not giving someone what they wanted for the wrong reason when we give them more importance than anything else day after day? How many of us vaguely remember that such things as positive and negative reinforcement exist? I could go into detail, but I'd rather just state a few simple truths. First, we choose our own actions. We can blame anyone we want from a mommy who didn't love us enough to that bratty boy who pulled our hair in first grade to that girl who "stole" the guy we loved so dearly in high school.(None of those is my vice, btw, in case you are reading into this. ;) Second, so much more is going on in the world that is worthy of notice than one individual...

To be honest, I want to know how the recovery is going for those who were closest to the eye of the storm. Do they realize that they are not alone? Are they reaching out to each other? Do we have to keep assailing them with more that is going to hurt or scare them? I don't really think so, but that is one hobbit's opinion. I am not saying that I don't feel compassion for those who are hurting. I feel it every day for various people. I feel it for people in countries where suicide bombings are a daily occurence. I feel it for the masses of people who barely make it through a day because of conditions around them (ecological, financial, social).

In fact, my roomie made a good point this morning (he does that from time to time, but don't tell him because he claims he doesn't bother to read this journal anymore). He pointed out how many people have died in the name of war over the years (and recent days) and how little attention that receives. These are people who don't have a choice when they point a gun at someone. They are called upon to defend our country. Their choice is to face court martial, shame, possible jail time, et cetera or take up arms against people they have never seen before who are probably just as scared as they are. They can go. They can serve. They may even come back whole. They may come back heroes. They may come back with a flag for their next of kin.

It IS a horrible world we live in. It is violent. It is chaotic. It is polluted (morally, emotionally, and physically). It is full of things our forefathers couldn't conceive. You want to change that? Then change yourself. Take the effort to learn and to vote. You want attention? Get a dog. You want to be loved? Then just love someone (sometimes it hurts, but it is worth it). You want to be heard? Then listen. You want a friend? Then be a friend. You want compassion? Then be compassionate. You want to be seen? Then quit hiding. You want something? Then you have to earn it.

And if you are one of the lucky ones who gets what you want with no effort, I say congratulations. I prefer knowing I have worked for what I have. I don't begrudge you those things that bring you joy, however, lest you mistake my meaning. I'd rather watch you drive that sexy 2005 Mitsubishi Eclipse or 2006 Ford Mustang or any such sexy car than drive it myself. Why? I have other goals in life.

Among those goals? Driving the hobbitmobile, of course. Who would have known you could cast a resurrect spell with a pocket knife? I should look into getting one of those. They are so handy. I have even seen a pink Swiss army knife. What could be more diva than that?

"Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could
Now we see everything is going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it"

"So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
It's hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change"

"Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
When you trust your television
What you get is what you got
'Cuz when they own the information ooohhh,
They can bend it all they want "

John Mayer, "Waiting on the World to Change"

I caught you peering up into my face with wide child-like eyes. I don't know what you hoped to learn from watching me. Or do you just enjoy watching my lips shaping the oddest words as I ponder the choices before me. Sadly, I don't really care if you're watching me. I just wish I couldn't feel your expectation. Expectation of what? That I will realize that you are in control of me, perhaps? You just don't get that I can not and will not be ordered about by one whose own life is not in order, despite the assertions that it is. Hopefully, the curtain doesn't drop and show you the behind the scenes view. I like you better when you have convinced yourself you're happy...

Aside from needing to say that exact thing to about five people, my life really hasn't strayed from the ordinary. I still live in the cat house. I still have far more to do than even I admit to. I still don't see many of my friends and family enough. I still have the world's sexiest hobbitmobile (since it has deigned to start again with a little love, some coddling, help from the "mobile doctor", and twelve hours of slow sweet feeding from a battery charger. If there hasn't been excitement, why haven't I updated? Good point. Let me recap the weekend.

Friday evening, I attended a bridal shower for my friend Cassi. Her groom is rather a funny man as we all learned. I could recap, but some things are only amusing in context. I do hope that Cassi will never forget that she is only as "sassy" as her hair. The evening was rather a fabulous success, and I chose to sneak out before the wedding night secrets came out. I am rather glad I wasn't there for that. After all, it meant that the hobbitmobile didn't actually blow up when I turned the key. (It's not just secret agents who have to worry about car explosions or is it?)

I woke up Saturday morning to a rather confused feeling of being back in grade school. This was inspired by the random hair-pulling for attention. I finally grabbed for Lil' Guy, causing him to run off in great excitement to whine at his food dish. That was not, however, the most enlightening cat moment of the morning. A little later, as I was happily wrapped in quilt and Rodney, I heard a cat leap for the screen, so I started calling out random names. Then I looked up to realize that the cat plastered to the screen was not one of my precious beasties. One of the neighborhood cats had heard rumors about the fabulous cat house, complete with hobbit servant, and he wanted to join the ranks, so he jumped the screen from the outside. He ran off before I could offer him an application for admittance. Oh well, his loss.

The afternoon found me traveling toward Cooper's Rock with Craig and the missionaries. The trip was rather uneventful, but the wedding party was rather a wonderful affair. We had grilled hot dogs. We had cookies. We had lots and lots of beans. We got to wear leis. We even got to witness (or partake in) a water balloon fight (yes, one of the missionaries did join up--disturbing, eh?). The best part, however, was watching the bride and groom (a.k.a. Amy and Jared) wrestle over a package that we can only imagine held some lingerie. Even we prudish Mormons are not without a bit of off-color humor. We just tend to tone it down too much for it to amuse the world around us. "Welcome to the bubble--population Utah--well, not anymore ;)."

Sunday, as can be imagined, was much less exciting. I went to a meeting, then to church, then to a friend's house, so I could make a new friend. Lucy is a licker. She is also a dog, for those who are unaware that many of my friends have four legs and lots of hair. I also got another test of my lack of green thumb. I am now the proud keeper of some sweet basil. Wish the basil luck. Following that, I returned to my house to nap and read the "Ensign".

This brings us to Monday. Mondays are notoriously bad, but yesterday was actually pretty good (even for an average day). I got to work with the fiche, of course. I also started making my raindrops into flowers which is always an optimistic way to view the world. I also got eat grilled chicken, salad, potato salad, grilled corn, and blueberry bread (and that was just dinner). Then I snuggled up to the hobbitmobile and went to my Monday Mormon Moments to add ice cream to my list of too much. Luckily, we played an exciting game of kickball. We had the most intriguing team divisions, but I am pretty sure my team didn't win, and I got to pitch a lot. This was nothing new to me. I have been a professional full-time pitcher for life (thank goodness for older brothers and male neighbors). My friends, however, let me kick as well. I believe my kicking is about average, but my ability to find second base is minimal. That is a story that shall not be told thoug...In short, someone won, people actually saw me pretend to run, and I got to kick a ball. In my world, it is always about kicking balls ;)

Then we went our separate ways. I heard talk of an ice cream eating challenge and tennis, but I wanted to be part of the Ann Appreciation Society. The Chad and I dropped in on my friend Ann to wish her a happy birthday. I was then treated to some lemon pound cake (bringing me up to twenty pounds of weight gain). On the way home, I found myself talking like Ann briefly. This just added to my appreciation for her since I found myself talking calmly, sweetly, and rather patiently even to the angry Omni. It's always good to have friends who bring out the good in you, isn't it?

Tonight was no less exciting. I crashed the last Tuesday class of the year which brought out happiness in the ladies. The boys didn't seem to notice, but that's just fine by me. Afterward, we extended our courtesy of filling up a restaurant to BW3s. Wings anyone? Needless to say all this activity and reporting has made me into one weary hobbit. Sweet dreams...

Why am I still sitting here on my laptop? I could be out there creating havoc and bringing smiles to people's faces. I just feel so tired some days. Of course, when I stop thinking about it, it kind of goes away. I was pondering some of the finer qualities I have got from being the little sister of two boys. I admit I can be a little too strong to pass for a lady. In fact, I have a keen grasp of the manly way of dealing with pain.

Our one casualty at kickball was told to walk it off. He promptly did so. I just nodded supportively. I am also well aware of the manly desire to fix what ails you with a hammer, a pocket knife, some duct tape, and maybe some alcohol if it comes to that. Amazing that doctoring has progressed beyond such brutal measures. I, of course, know all about fixing things with duct tape. Sadly, it has been a while since I bothered to fix anything with my sexy duct tape, so I am not sure where it is. The hobbitmobile is so sad. It wanted a duct tape bow tie for the the Omni ball (Horizons were invited, too, but only the lawn-mower Omni guy's Omni was parked on my street when I arrived at home). I compared dents. My Omni won. I don't expect anyone to be surprised. My car is a fighter. Guess who it gets that from...I suddenly remember some comment about how no one but me would have tried to get that car up the hill near my house in the snow (let alone succeed) and yet people still think that I am to be trifled with...I prefer my trifle as a noun....Yummy.

"Beware the anger of a patient man." ~American Proverb

"There is a limit at which forbearance ceases to be a virtue." ~Edmund Burke

"Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not." ~Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

"A kind heart is a fountain of gladness, making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles." ~Washington Irving (1783-1859)

"Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe. It is not enough that a thing be possible for it to be believed." ~Voltaire

This has been a pretty good date for looking forward for the past nine years. It happens to be my favorite unbirthday. Perhaps, that is why it seems a perfect day for clarity. I realize that in order to really embrace my future, I have to finally slough off parts of my past. I think I have said this before in many ways, but I think now is the time to make the plan that brings me forward. I am so close to accomplishing some of the goals that will bring that about. I shall just have to hope I am paranoid about a couple of people not wanting me to do that for whatever reason.

I also had the pleasure of showing off my great knowledge today. I got to explain microfiche to members of the younger generation. Of all the amazing odds and ends that reside in my cubicle...Let me tell this another way.

Allyson was introducing me to her grandsons. I believe one of them was named Tyler. I have not been good with names lately. I may have too many of them in my head from my authoritative duties. Anyway, they were looking around my cubicle because, as any one has seen my cubicle knows, it is far more interesting than me when I am not on my soapbox or in a costume.

"What's that?" One of the boys asked as he looked past me toward the central hub of my disaster.

I turned to look around my cubicle, having found no easy answer to such a broad question as he continued, "The micron..."

I was pretty sure I had the answer to that one, but I checked to make sure before responding, "That's a microfiche reader..."

"What's it for?"

"To read microfiche," I replied.

He looked at me as if I was an alien. (Well, I am but he didn't need to look at me that way.) Allyson began to explain. He looked at her as if she was also an alien. I grabbed a random fiche from my desk and explained how the machine worked, even placing the fiche under the glass and turning on the bright light, so he could see the first page of a document about some expenditure of funds in the 70s. I further explained that each fiche could hold an entire book (not pointing out that it would have to be a short book).

After my demonstration, he looked at the fiche in a bit of awe, "That's an entire book."

Being a bit stuck on complete honesty I replied, "This is more of a letter..."

I realized he was losing interest in me and my archaic torture device, "But, yes, they can have entire books on them."

He wandered off, no doubt with the full intention of telling all of his friends about microfiche. You know you want to come by for a demo, too. Schedule now because spaces are filling up quick, and the Foundation would love to accept your donations for the presentation...

And this was randomly cool.

Rising above this water in my lungs
Climbing the ladder though the rungs
Threaten to break and shatter under hand
While I reach out, hoping they will stand
Long enough to reach the next floor
Before I realize that I am no more
I've drowned already in my tears
While my last flame quenched by fears
Left this empty, hollow human shell
To smile and wave to those who fell
Under the same guise before I knew
I was gone and couldn't love anew...

I have no idea where my poetry comes from or perhaps I feel no need to explain it. It is like a disease you get from doing something silly like getting a blood transfusion off the back of a truck or licking a toilet seat. Or maybe, it is like an unexplained gift along the lines of ESP that you can't explain, shouldn't talk about, and struggle to live with since it can get you in trouble you never expected. Either way, just enjoy the poetry and poetry month. And if you feel slighted for e-mail, submit a poem to poetry.com. I have received at least thirty e-mails from them and their affiliates this month. They tell me it is because of my exceptional poetry...

So did you see that sunlight today? It was calling out to me. It was summoning me. It was begging me to come out to play. Then my barcode scanning wrist started reacting to the storm systems in the area. This means my brain was distracted, my eyes were burning from the sun, and my wrist was complaining every time I flicked a fiche under the barcode scanner. I finally decided to give up and go home. I stepped out of the library and made my way up the hill and it started to sprinkle.

Trauma. The ward cookout was tonight. Would it be rained out. The rain stopped after a bit, and a lovely former librarian gave me a ride to my house where I baked some brownies. (I should mention that it appears everyone baked brownies, but that is okay because everyone also loves brownies). We had burgers and hot dogs and side dishes and so much fruit salad that most of us left fruitier than we came, which is quite an accomplishment.

Then I did something uncharacteristic of me again, I joined up for the sporting events. We played soccer. I am down with being a goalie until both teams come crowding around me. This is also not the best co-ed game when a missionary is around. I have a deep aversion to men with name-tags, but one of our missionaries needs to join a soccer team when he returns to Canada. Then we can all cheer him on, eh?

The evening ends with a return to my home and the decision of which project to tackle next. Now this decision is always complicated for me. Why? Because I have a huge pile of them begging to be picked by me. May is going to be a long arduous month, I fear, but at least I have one Christmas present under my belt already. Thank you. Thank you> I have awarded myself one gold star. When I get twelve, I will let one of my admirers treat me to ice cream...

Something about a surprised smile can melt even my heart. Maybe it is because any smile turns me from ice to water. Perhaps it is because any smile on that face could make a smile on my face as well. I don't know. I would rather suppose that it is because I want to be surprised. I want someone to say something that doesn't make me nod and think, "I already knew that. How on earth could I know that?"

Anyway, I got to help some friends put together furniture yesterday. This may not sound like fun to your average person, but if you look at it as a unique puzzle experience, it takes on a whole new light. Besides they paid me in malted milk eggs, so all my sugary dreams could come true.

This evening's Monday Mormon Moments started out as I expected it with me calling dozens of people to inform them of the new venue. I left so many voice mail messages that I am afraid the inanity meters of cell phone companies will be off for months. If you have ever received voice mail from a diva, you can imagine why I would feel this way about the situation.

Only a few people showed up at the park to join in frisbee and kite hijinks, but that is okay because we still had fun. After much struggling, and without getting counsel from a small child (which was my vote), we finally managed to get the kites airborn. I think this must have tickled some storm clouds because, shortly thereafter, it began to rain. We fled to my house to play Apples to Apples, which I technically won. Though I think we all won because that game is way too much fun. And, yes, yes, that was a Porsche Boxter in my top, but I have no idea how it got there...

Another thing I feel compelled to mention: No one should do anything in anyone else's pants, but tacking that on the end of every sentence in a conversation is absolutely hysterical...

Oh, and did I mention I saw a MUB guy leering at my car as he drove past. I was not on the hood in the Hathor outfit or on the hood at all. Thus the only conclusion I can derive is that he was playing Grand Theft Auto in his head and wondering how many points an Omni is worth (or a bug or rabbit or perhaps a Yugo)...

Oh yes, I was behind a Yugo today. I couldn't believe that a car could really go 2 miles an hour. Who on earth drives that slow? Yeah, I have a car that I wanted to run over. I just got the impression that the passenger side fender was constructed of cardboard, tape, and paint. I wasn't sure I wanted to see if the rest of the car was equally well-made...

"Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by"

"I'm so afraid of the gift you'll give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all"

"I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Til I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy..."

"Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need..."

"Now I'm ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of me"

Seether, "The Gift"