"We, as members of the Church of Jesus Christ, have chosen not to be ordinary men and women." ~Claudio D. Zivic, "After All We Can Do", Ensign, Nov 2007

Yesterday was Tuesday. As many have now realized, Tuesday is a good day to be loved. Don't get too excited. My stories are sweet not smutty, well, mostly.

After acquiring a slightly unhealthy lunch, I began walking toward the Institute. As I was walking along, I saw a young woman walking with her child, who was doing what children do best, wandering aimlessly. As she turned sideways, I noticed that she was pregnant. I started to think about a friend of mine who is in Utah right now and in the same circumstance. Then I realized I had been noticed and was being gestured at. It was about that point that I realized that this beautiful young lady and this adorable baby were friends of mine. Some days I really do have trouble seeing the tree for the forest. Despite my obvious lack of mental power when I haven't been sleeping appropriately, they allowed me to walk them to their car.

Later on, I went to class. You know that you wish you went to class with me. We even discussed the number 42. I also got to see pictures from a 4-H camp. No, this did not involve sheep. I was disappointed, too. However, I was not disappointed with the after class dining. As always, we went where peanuts are allowed to roam freely and the rolls are slathered with delicious cinnamon butter. This is all normal.

This weeks group featured two guys and three girls. The numbers aren't that good, right? They are never good, actually. The guys I know are afraid of women. Do you think it might be because they know me? Anyway, my one friend has apparently picked up some of the closeness of those nurtured in Latin American countries. In other words, she kept snuggling me. I know you are all jealous. I also woke up this morning to discover two new facebook friends. I guess girls don't find me scary.

"Our commitment to home-centered gospel living should become the clear message of every priesthood and auxiliary program, reducing, when necessary, some of the optional activities that may detract from proper focus on the family and the home." ~Spencer W. Kimball, Ensign, May 1978

I have become one of those people who gets random phrases from conference stuck in her head. Today, Henry B. Eyring's advice to write it down has entered my mind again. I think it is because I keep opening my scriptures and notebooks and finding scribbles of random thought. I need to record these and organize them better. I am pretty sure half of them were notes for talks or Family Home Evening lessons. I just have to motivate myself.

When I was a little girl, I had a tenacity and determination that were amazing. If I was told something and I didn't agree, I set out to prove it wrong. I was told that M&M's (gratuitous advertising) "melt in your mouth not in your hands". I sat there as long as it took to get a rainbow-colored palm. I was willing to sacrifice instant gratification to prove my point. I remember once in gym class over-hearing one of the boys say that I would not make the basket. I didn't think about it. I just knew I could do it. That's right, I made the basket. Obviously, I never became a basketball star, but I made that basket and it made all the difference at the time.

Faith is like that. You have to believe. I believe in many things. I believe in many people. I have friends who have no idea how wonderful they are. One of them is beginning to see, and that makes me happy.

"The Book of Mormon did not come forth as a curiosity. It was written with a definite purpose--a purpose to be felt by every reader. From the title page we read that it was written 'to the convincing of the Jew and Gentile that JESUS is the CHRIST, the ETERNAL GOD, manifesting himself unto all nations.' The message it contains is a witness for Christ and teaches the love of God for all mankind. Its purpose is to bring people to accept Jesus as the Christ. The book tells of the actual visit of Christ to ancient America and records the teachings and instructions He gave in clarity and great power to the people. The Book of Mormon substantiates the Bible in its teachings of the Savior, speaks of Christ more than any other subject, and teaches that our Savior is the Redeemer and Atoner of mankind, constantly emphasizing that He is the central figure in God's plan of salvation. This divine record makes converts to its message and to His Church, which teaches it" ~David B. Haight: "Joseph Smith, the Prophet," Ensign, Dec. 2001, 28

So the diva seems to be blossoming again. Of course, we all know that my divaliciousness centers in my fingers. The cats love the way I scratch under their chins and around their ears. Very few will say "no" to a nice backscratch from my claws. Cooking involves the use of my fingers for holding and controlling spoons, knives, whisks, and such. Writing has always involved the hands. Of course, now it involves my hands and this lovely keyboard with the letters no longer painted on most of the keys. Now my finger tips feel a little tingling from working on how to position my fingers on a guitar. I guess I could hate myself less if I turned my poetry into songs and sang it instead. Wouldn't that make me a real diva?

than dream of your mansions above..."

It's part of a church hymn. The name escapes me momentarily, but the point behind the song carries through. I have lots of dreams. Some would even say that I "dream big." Of course, sometimes when I say that I think they are mocking me. I love them for encouraging me to go out and take the world by storm, however. How could I not?

So, as I have alluded to, I am working on being a better diva. My fingernails had to be sacrificed for this endeavor, but I am sure they will grow back to be sacrificed again. I am not sure I am practicing enough since the fingers on my left hand don't seem to be hurting as much as I expected. My ears are ringing a little though, so I may have to tune my guitar again.

Sadly, the high amounts of over-stressing I do have caused me to forgo an awesome outing with my wife. I hope she forgives me. I hope my Hathor costume forgives me. It isn't every day I get the chance to wear that costume (and the men of the world are thankful...) Of course, it fits a little different these days since I have come to an agreement to stop hiding myself from the world. I think I have touched on this before, so I will move on.

Right now, some people are on my mind, and I want to address them though I don't know if they read this journal (or even play online anymore). I know that the world seems harsh. I know some days you give in and let it tell you that you aren't good enough. You are good enough. You are, in fact, more than good enough. You are full of talent, wisdom, and love, and you make this diva's heart soar with love simply because you are you. This is addressed to two blonds and a redhead who know I love them even though one is in rather deep denial. Take care of yourselves, my dears, because wherever you go, a piece of me also travels. *hugs*

Everyone loves to be pushed around, don't we? We love to be told we aren't earning enough. We love to be told we aren't spiritual enough. We love to have other people critique us based on the twenty seconds that we have their full attention. Oh, wait, we don't.

I enjoy just knowing (even though I can't explain it) that I am making the right decision. My reasons may seem frivolous. In fact, my reasons may seem completely illogical, especially without explanation. In time, however, it all becomes clear. Sometimes it takes less than a day. Sometimes it takes months. Sometimes it takes years. When it makes sense, though, it really makes sense.

So I bailed on some friends of mine. I had been planning on a tiny road trip with them, but I forgot until yesterday. This led to much sadness on my part as these friends are also family (one is my wife, after all). I wanted to go. I still want to be with them, but I realize now that I had something else to do. It is hard to accept that there are things that only I can do. After all, any one can do the things that I do, right?

Not anyone can be just the right friend at the right time. I was meant to be that friend for someone. It was a brief encounter, but I offered her some comfort. Of course, this all happened in the bathroom which isn't my favorite place to chat, but friends will chat with friends in the bathroom. She actually called me a "blessing". I appreciate the sentiment and blush at the idea of being much of a blessing to anyone.

Of course, this reminds me of another friend of mine who has been on my mind a lot lately. I first opened up to getting to know her in the bathroom. We had talked before, but when I saw her crying, I couldn't help but hug her. Once more, you never know when or where you just need to be there and offer a reassurance of love. *sends out some hugs to the friend n question* I do hope you know who you are. I do hope you know that no matter what you are loved. Seems like this is a journal to you this week.

"I have a vision of homes alerted, of classes alive, and of pulpits aflame with the spirit of Book of Mormon messages. I have a vision of home teachers and visiting teachers, ward and branch officers, and stake and mission leaders counseling our people out of the most correct of any book on earth the Book of Mormon. I have a vision of artists putting into film, drama, literature, music, and paintings great themes and great characters from the Book of Mormon. I have a vision of thousands of missionaries going into the mission field with hundreds of passages memorized from the Book of Mormon so that they might feed the needs of a spiritually famished world. I have a vision of the whole Church getting nearer to God by abiding by the precepts of the Book of Mormon. Indeed, I have a vision of flooding the earth with the Book of Mormon." ~Pres. Ezra Taft Benson

It's Bastille Day. This is only the third of four fabulous holidays that I feel compelled to celebrate every July. The third is only a week away. I do hope people have their thinking caps on. I so hate having to fill my trash can with well-meant things (three years later when I finally feel it is okay).

"You will experience greater joy in life as you eradicate adult-onset pessimism and substitute childlike optimism. Optimism is a virtue that allows us to see God’¡Çs loving hand in the details of our life." Anthony D. Perkins, 'The Great and Wonderful Love'

Sometimes more can be said with sudden silence than with words. You know when you leave them speechless that you have made an impression. All the other naughty girls know what I am talking about.

The downward spiral of my month has begun, but I shall try to ignore it. Why? Because my third wife (the sexy redhead) told me I was looking hot last night. She wasn't the only one. She just actually said it instead of just observing me with "hungry eyes" (You know the song right?). We also shared the love with our friend Kyle. What man could complain about two girls putting their arms around him to poke and caress each other's shoulders (while giggling merrily)? Hey, divas have to be a little naughty. Why else would little men with cameras follow us around and snap our pictures constantly?

So what shall I focus on to forget that I exist today? I am back on my hippie kick. I keep reading about the rising costs of energy, the price of gas, the depletion of the ozone layer, global warming, etc. Everyone is up at arms. Everyone wants someone to do something about it. How many of us are really trying to change the way we live to prove that this all makes a difference to us. We should all be more like hippies. Of course, I have had some snide remarks made about my frugality in the past. I have had much laughter about my tree-hugging ways (by someone who declared I could not make them laugh, actually). I have wandered down the dark road of the dirty hippie in the dark, but I find my little points of light at the end of the tunnel.

"If the world is cold, make it your business to build fires." ~Horace Traubel (1858-1919)

"A good book has no ending." ~R.D. Cumming

A theory has been posited that the cards you earn during a game of apples to apples tell who you are. In this last game, I agree with most of them. The cards I won were: Insulting, Legendary, Sexy, Shallow, and Short & Sweet. I drew the sexy card, but we already knew it was true. I've been called hot by a few gals and a few guys this week, but I digress. We've all heard this before.

So I woke up this morning with yet another novel bursting from my head. I spend a lot of time beginning novels. Maybe someday I will find time to finish them and all of my random social commentary. I have lots of social commentary. Most of it makes its way into this journal in some way or another. Of course, this is the month when most of my journal is a self-fulfilling prophecy that the past will repeat itself and I will expect too much of those around me. It isn't good to judge the world based on your own world view. I know this, but I am human and I make those judgments anyway.

As I was swiftly perusing the internet before setting my fingers to type up what I had scrawled across a legal pad in a state of deep inspiration, I noticed an article about stalkerbook and myface where people pretend they know how to be social online. It is incredibly difficult to really connect with people online. I really don't care what today's psychologists and all the dating sites sell you. You have to have some very special talents to be able to interpret text so well that you know the person. Some people can't understand themselves or someone right in front of them who is giving off obvious signs. How are they supposed to get something from text?

Besides, it has been my observation over the past ten years (most of which I have lived online to some degree or another) that people are much different online. We feel freer to do as we please, to rock the foundations a little, to cut loose. I do not defend people who do terrible things and then show their pride on these sites. I don't defend people who are just the same whether trying to impress with photos and words on the net or trying to do it by dancing drunk on a table in the real world (sometimes photos of this are the photos in question). I defend those of us who love to dress up and show the world a different side of themselves. I defend those who are a little more flirty online because we will never flirt with these people in the real world. I defend those of us who find the net to be a place to entertain our friends a little bit with poems about...well, my third wife knows.

Anyway, I should break on my ranting and go back to the novel, the guitar, and being the maid. More later, perhaps?

So I have ventured forth into another year of life. I am a year older, a year wiser, and one more year into the greatest soap opera ever lived. Some friends and I were discussing how some things are passed from mother to daughter and just get worse. My cross to bear? I am, as I have mentioned, one of a long line of potential pin-up girls. I have been told I am conceited. I have had many people laugh at this. Maybe they don't see it or they are nervous that I do.

I have recently been lectured on my changes in behavior. It has been implied that I am becoming a less lovable person. Is this because I stopped letting people just push me into the corner and walk all over me? I can't do that any more. It will cause an explosion. Some of us really do serve to hold the world together because we are among the few who still understand love. I understand love. Love breaks me and kills me, but I understand it. It is what our society needs most and we pretend it does not exist.

Who do I love? It's a good question. Why do people ask? If they don't want to hear that I love them, why on earth do they ask? I love girls who bring me flowers to brighten my day. I love people who are hurting because they don't know what love is. I love animals who are going insane. I love Heavenly Father for giving me life. I love Jesus Christ for loving far better than I ever could and sacrificing more than any of us could imagine. I love...and yet...no one can admit that they love me. How ironic is that?

Some days it just seems too easy to offend other people. Granted, a lot of this could be avoided if we paid attention to their needs instead of ours. Selfishness is not a quality we should nurture and breed in these days. I firmly believe that. I have seen the pain it can bring. I have felt the pain it can bring. This brings me to my surprising point, I love those small things my friends do just to make me remember that I am loved and respected.

Today, a friend treated me to lunch, including a tasty pie she made with her own two hands. This was not just any pie. This was a teeny tiny, hobbit-on-a-diet sized pie. Don't get confused about this. I am not on a diet. Other friends took me out to dinner on Monday. I also appreciate them. I am not sure I made that clear to them however. The birthday beast can be awakened by angry wisdom teeth...

"Our loyalty to our eternal companion should not be merely physical, but mental and spiritual as well. Since there are no harmless flirtations and there is no place for jealousy after marriage, it is best to avoid the very appearance of evil by shunning any questionable contact with another to whom we are not married." ~James E. Faust

For some things, no explanation or excuse is good enough. You can't just ignore people and then expect them to be stoked when you finally remember them (in your time of need).

In other news, it is pioneer day and the birthday of a beautiful skater. Someone better be celebrating...

"...in all that Jesus came to say and do, including and especially in His atoning suffering and sacrifice, He was showing us who and what God our Eternal Father is like, how completely devoted He is to His children in every age and nation." ~Jeffrey R. Holland

I have had my scriptures for years. The Book of Mormon (that I am currently using) I have had significantly longer than the Bible (that I am currently using) and it shows. One is battered and faded, awash with markings and commentary which have gotten progressively more prevalent over the past year. No wonder I seem to have demons knocking at my door. They don't feel the need to whack people with baseball bats who are already hurting themselves spiritually.

Of course, all my friends want to advise me. They assume they can see the full picture since they are on the outside. However, they are only looking in one window. They know what I am doing in the living room, but everything in the kitchen is a big mystery. I love the ones who can accept this and not try to force the issue or force me. I do not go where I am coerced. I don't do much of anything without a great deal of thought. Actually had a friend last week go, "Wow, your mind works fast" when I was trying to explain how I got from point A to B to C to D and then back to A in in approximately thirty seconds. I just didn't share my visits to points N, O, P, J, M, X, Y, and Z on a completely separate track. (If I had a dime for every time someone was incredulous that I can have multiple independent thoughts at one time...) Then I have the people who randomly mock me or accuse me of doing something because it is what I am told to do. I know I seem like the most obedient young lady in the world, but I am not into blind obedience. Lots of people at church wear CTR rings. CTR stands for "Choose the Right". We are offered spiritual guidance not mandates. Yes, they are commandments from God, and we should naturally follow them, but we are not forced to do so. We know the potential consequences of our actions (in most cases). We have been given knowledge. We have been given free will. We have been commanded to make the right choices, but that still means we have to choose. More importantly, we have to choose for ourselves--not let someone else bully us into something that is just going to end in tears.

TOP TEN PLACES NOT TO PRACTICE SWING DANCING

10. On top of an Omni.
9. At a techno club--though if you make it work, I'll join you next week.
8. In a cubicle full of boxes.
7. In a grocery store.
6. Public bathrooms.
5. The coffee table in your living room.
4. In another dance class.
3. On an actual swing.
2. In the middle of the street.
1. On your partner's feet.

The world interests me. I keep telling people this. They don't seem to understand. From the normal perspective, people have finite points of interest. You can't just be fascinated by everything. After all, that is foolish. It is if you aren't among the idle rich because you will never have time to pursue all of your interests if you work.