Every year on this day, I must profess my love to Aravan. It's like our very own Valentine's Day minus the five million boxes of heart-shaped candy, but she just needs the candy, not the fancy box. Maybe I should have bought her some of that. Now she'll never accept my proposal of marriage. Oh well, some day I aspire to snare a man anyway.

It has been another slow day in the life of Bella. No one even tried to play any jokes on me, though I did hear about a guy playing a joke on himself by telling some people how much a dear friend of mine adores him. (Trust me, she is not interested in him and never was.) I also spent some time at work and worked on my love letter. I am working toward finishing the last two chapters of the first half. According to my eighth grade English teacher it is all downhill from there. On a good note, I have been working on some of the information on the Horizons web page.

Would you ford the stream around my heart
Though it flows with lava, tears you apart?
Would you climb the mountain and at the peak
Scream to nations of this love you seek?
Would you find the strength to lift me up
Drink with me eternal life from carpenter's cup?

Could your love turn back the tide
That comes forth my soul to hide?
Could your love bring me back to earth
To this land that gave me mortal birth?
Could your love make love renew
In my wounded heart for only you?

Dare you ask me or even try
At the risk of seeing me cry?
Dare you let your mouth tell
Feelings your heart knows so well?
Dare you take this impossible chance
To find your soul mate and romance?

Sorry about that. I was told again that I should ask out the boys, so they can talk about how free and loose I am with my love. Thought I would share a little poem with the world. The man who wins my heart is going to have to earn it and keep earning it. He is also going to have to be courageous enough to confess his love with words and actions.

Anyway, on to better topics. I love my cats. They are nice enough to wake me up in the morning, so that I can have the deep honor of feeding them and then go off to work to earn money to buy them more food and litter. I am truly honored.

In the interest on commenting on the world around me. I have been reading some interesting thoughts on my belly dance list serve. Apparently there are temptresses in my hair seducing men without my permission. I will have to spank them all and send them to bed without supper for that. It would definitely explain some of the odd boys who have chased me around in the past. I wonder how the boys see them when they aren't looking at my face though *wink*

So many words want to float out of me, but I only have so much time to tell them. This means that sometimes I have to post these little journal entries. You can all try not to cry. Maybe someday, you will get to read even more beautiful words from me. Sweet dreams.

So work today was as exciting as one can expect. I conquered the dirty, old paper census on Wednesday, so they won't be haunting me anymore. My microfiche, however, would never desert me. Piles of plastic precious pretties would never leave the love goddess or let her down. So I spent some quality time with them.

Then I went to lunch where I got to hear some dating tips. *reaches out and pats your arm* It was an interesting conversation. *brushes something off your cheek* I even got to be Gina's friend. *smiles and brushes some lint off your shirt* She even let me be her friend after she was done with the presentation. *trips and falls into you* She's cool and so are you. *shakes your hand* Sure, I'd love to go out with you, call me and we'll set something up.

I also had a date. Got together with my date and two other friends and ate entirely too much food. In fact, I still feel quit full about four hours later. I may never eat again. We had a good time. Then we came home for the start of what appears to Brendan Frasier night. We watched Encino Man an then, left to my own devices, I started watching George of the Jungle. Now I am wondering why people went out and bought this movie. I am also thinking I don't want to know. I shall slip into bed soon in preparation for tomorrow's cleaning morning. Have a lovely night.

So the weather has gotten colder again. This cold weather always makes me want to cuddle. I even know the perfect guy to cuddle with. Guess who it is. Go ahead. Keep guessing. Okay, I'll tell you. His name is Rodney, and he is my cat. Sorry, the rest of you lovesick boys still haven't shown yourselves worthy of my affection. Perhaps, if one of you went to see the wizard to get the lion special, you would be able to compete.

I went to the morning session of Conference. It was a nice two hours. Yes, you are thinking that two hours is a long time to sit. It really isn't that long when you are having fun. I even had another session of happy, shiny love. I watched The Other Side of Heaven with Candace. She made a guest appearance at my house, so that we could catch up and have a great time with great people. I love my friends sometimes. Anyway, not much else going on in my world, so I will talk to you later.

Sorry. People insist on continuing to tell me who I love or rather who I should love. It isn't that easy. I am not going to fall in love and throw myself at the feet of the first man that other people in my life deem worthy. This subject is closed. Do not tell me who to love. Do not tell me who not to love. My heart will love as it will when it is ready. Right now it is content to love my laptop, my cats, and me. I have other things to worry about, but if love comes slamming into my life, I will let you know so you can all rejoice with me.

What else do I have to worry about? Rejection letters for one. Not to mention the other various projects that I mentioned in a previous entry. Then there is the fact that the brother that I like enough to claim in public is being sent off to the war for the next election, err...in Iraq. I have faith that he will come out of it unscathed, but the little girl I once was wonders why such things persist. She wonders why people are put back into power who abuse the power. She wonders why we let this happen and then act surprised when it does. The woman that I am just laughs at her and wishes she too could be that innocent, but such a thing can never again be.

I once had someone tell me that I bare my soul in these words, but you have no idea. These are the dim shadows that rise to the surface. The rest sinks deeper into me and I do not speak of it--not here. Those who come here do not seek the weeper, the dreamer, the silent one, they seek the dancer, the comic, the one who is bursting with joy, yet not the one with so much joy that tears would spring forth at the words that come pouring out. So I shall not leave you wondering about these depths.

Wild and beautiful women are wobbling about the web today. I have been busily playing with barcodes, so I don't have much to say about work today. I did get to touch some microfilm so that was a nice treat. I have also received some positive feedback about my cow pick-up lines. I expect to hear reports of relationships stemming from my wittiness. Just remember that I am always willing to accept pictures of all my god-calves to put in my wallet.

I am currently enjoying a nice lunch with Miss Kewl. That touch theorem seems to work pretty well with my friends, but not with the guys. I just don't get it. Maybe if I start counting aloud as I touch them, they'll get the hint. Oh wait, I haven't been using this theorem on guys. I am just so silly. It works pretty well with the cats though. Pet them a couple of times. Feed them a couple of times. Then go to bed and wake up with cute, hairy blankets. Go ahead, admit you're jealous.

I spent more time with barcodes and scanners. Then I came home, grabbed some stuff and headed out again. Ah, I don't spend too much time here these days. At least that is the way it seems. It'll all be good. I shall go use my pick-up lines, pick up a farmer boy and be happy, or perhaps I will switch virtual desktops and work on my love letter.

I have so many sidekicks. I have the Marianne to my Cybil and the Waldorf to my Statler. I also have people who want call-outs: "Hi, Jamie." There--the call-out you were searching for. I didn't do anything overly exciting today. I did find my way to page 63 of my love letter. That was the sheer excitement in my life. I may dance with joy.

On another note, my cats are very disappointed that I told people how to pick up cows. They fear that this means that they will not get as much beef. Don't worry, I still encourage the eating of steak. I also encourage people to buy steak for me. Anyway, I am going to work on this sleep thing. Night.

The wedding march starts and they start down the aisle--the beautiful bride and her rather hideous balding Greek fiancé. They are almost to the altar. One can tell even through veil that she is crying and these are not tears of joy. Ah, the horror of being a mail order bride. Surely, some other option should be available, but here she is stuck with this.

The music stops and they reach the preacher. He begins to speak, but this cursed wedding is not to go forth. Suddenly, Chuck Norris and the old guy from Rocky come rappelling down from the sky. A third guy joins them. He is also Greek, but his eyes are full of warmth and wisdom and he has all of his hair. Chuck takes out the balding beast, and the old guy hauls away the corpse. In the wings, dozens of people get up and cheer. The wedding goes forth and the good guy gets the girl. It's the perfect combination, isn't it?

It looks like I may not be in a good mood though I am wishing happiness to others. I have been informed that some of the trash in my life is actually decaying dog vomit. Not overly surprising, I give trash too much credit. Someday, I am going to realize that other people are not as kind, honorable, or respectable as I try to be. Such is life. If I wake up in the morning, I will have to find the diamond in the dew and spread happiness. It can happen.

I have officially been at my current job for six months. I am so excited. So are you because I finally took a few moments to play tappity tappity with my keyboard. It's been a bad week, so you didn't want to hear from me anyway. Just trust me on this one.

I guess I should redeem myself by posting an extra long entry, but I don't have an extra long piece of excitement to share with you. I have done very little and none of it was all that intriguing. I know you expect more than that from me, but what can I do? I have managed to get a hold of an exciting manuscript though, so I will post that right here for your viewing pleasure.

My cousins, both named Peter, they lead the easy life. One hops down the Bunny Trail (the equivalent of the bunny slope) and people sing his praises. The other puts his image on a field of green and makes diaper bags out of it. People know their names and claims to fame, but not their true titles. I assure you that neither has a title among rabbits that flatters. I, however, risk death and dismemberment to deliver goodies to the most disturbing of locations. I am not bitter, but if I were, I would be justified. Let me tell you my tale and you can judge for yourself.

It was just last Easter. I was making my rounds as per usual, tossing a few extra jelly beans and chocolate bars into baskets and gracefully exiting each house. I was smiling to myself to think of the great exercise parents everywhere would get from chasing their wired children shortly after dawn. I was content with my lot in life. I was overjoyed to bring such happiness to so many, but that was soon to change.

I reached a three story building that looked rather presentable. I hopped to the first floor and wiggled my nose. I found myself in a room full of computers. Normally, I don't get to visit computer geeks as to be a true geek requires so many years that one is no longer a child. This one looked peaceful and childlike as he slept in the pale green glow of the neighbors' outside light, so I dropped some candy next to his pillow and started to make my way to the next room. The odor emanating from it made my nose wrinkle and I found myself back outside.

As I hopped up the steps to the third floor, I couldn't help but feel disoriented. The stairs were tilted toward the ground, and it felt as if I would fall backward at any moment. Halfway up, the feeling of doom got so great that I just wiggled my nose and found myself in the apartment. It looked almost exactly the same as the one I had just exited except for the ivy border and the two beasts sleeping on the couch.

Tiptoeing softly across the plush green carpet, I thought my safety was assured until one of my fabulous Cadbury eggs rolled onto a plastic egg full of jelly beans causing it to rattle like a maraca. Suddenly, two pairs of eyes were slitted open to peer at me. More disturbing was the fact that three of these eyes were green while the fourth glowed red in the light. I squealed with fear and that sealed my fate. Both pairs of eyes were wide open and directed right at me.

The white beast rolled off of the couch, hitting the floor with a thunk as the tabby made a beeline for the basket that had fallen from my paw. I saw her ripping into a chocolate covered marshmallow egg as the white beast bounded toward me. Squealing again, I ran for my life. I dived into an open door to the right, hoping to find an exit, but I found only a bathroom. I paused for a moment reviewing my options.

Hearing the pursuit of the white beast, I leaped into the tub. Moments later a resounding thunk sounded as the beast slammed into the tub. In moments, however, he was perched on the edge, looking at me with far more hunger in his eyes than any cat with such a low-hanging paunch should have. He looked away for a second as his conspirator whizzed past on a sugar rocket, but quickly returned his attention to me.

Hopping into the blue tub where I was cowering in the corner, he licked his lips and started purring. Too scared to move, I crouched there awaiting my imminent demise, but the beast was distracted again. Somewhere in the apartment a cranky female voice was announcing that no one was getting fed until she felt like getting up. Yowling and grumbling followed, but the beast's attention was back on me and he was drawing closer.

Lights suddenly went on. Blinking rapidly, I adjusted to the new light. An angel in a nightie bedecked with teddy bears was peering into the tub and talking to the beast in baby talk, "Rodney, you have water in your dish. Get out of the tub and go eat."

The angel did not even notice me crouching there. She just grabbed the beast and startled petting him as she wandered off babbling more baby-talk. So surprised that I was saved, it took me a moment to collect myself. Twitching my nose decisively, I myself found back on the road, winding my way to the next house with my basket magically tucked back under my arm.

Of course, when I related this tale at our great council meeting, your favorite Peter Cottontail mocked me. However, the elders saw the truth in my words and changed my route. Now the Easter Kitty has that route, and you see that his name, too, has been lost in obscurity. So respect all of us who bring you such joy and lose our real names in the process.

I must pay pennance. I disappointed a dear friend of mine. I am sure that she has forgiven me, but I feel I must make her laugh until she turns rather pink. Who? Miss Kewl. What? Make her laugh until she turns pink. (Sheesh, people don't pay attention.) When? Well, whenever she makes it to this page again. Where? Right here. See, this journal. Why? Because she is disappointed in me. How? Now that is the question. How do I make her laugh until she turns pink? Maybe I should just buy lots of pink paint. Naw, that would be cheating. I must ponder this more.

*ponder*

I have it. She does seem awfully fond of my cow pick up lines. Either that or she is trying to tell me I am fat. She keeps telling me that my momma must have been an Angus. Perhaps, other farm animals need new pick-up lines to hear when they are grazing in the pasture. Now we all know which animal is near and dear to my heart, so here goes.

I am five. No need to buy me a present. It isn't that kind of birthday. I got baptized five years ago. Instead of turning this into a magical Mormon moment, I will invite you to ask me irl or talk to a missionary. Missionaries like to share. I just like to crack bad jokes about farm animals and the interesting foods in my world.

It is amazing how people react when I don't post for a while. Sometimes I even get special requests that I update, so here I am typing away. My love letter is only up to 67 pages. Someday, someday, I will say that I am done. Please don't hold your breathe. I only have so many readers and I don't want to be accused of turning this journal into a suicide cult, so keep breathing, reading my ramblings, and eating donuts.

Ever get the feeling that someone is mad at you? Ever get the feeling that you have no idea why? Ever get the feeling that your old shell would be a safe place to hide? Ever find yourself amazed that you are in love with someone? Ever hear this from someone besides yourself? Ever wonder why the moon still shines when the sun goes down? Ever scream into a midnight sun? Ever feel a quote is directed at you that you have told someone makes you think of someone who broke your heart?

What am I babbling about? Well, let me recap. About a week ago, I told some friends who I am unfortunately in love with. Then it comes back to me that I am in love with someone else. I find it disturbing that two completely different names are being used interchangeably. This makes me question once more whether or not people listen to me. Apparently, they do not. I must thank those who make their assumptions about my love life and share them. I must point out that only I can decide who I care about, so whatever you hear from someone who is not me is likely to be very wrong.

On another note, people who yell at me consistently may find me hard to find this week. I know I am evil, but I don't like to be reminded. I also don't like being yelled at by my friends without reason. Even more importantly, I am no one's whipping boy or girl as it may be. I am actually quite tired of being treated like one. I did not ruin the world. I did not destroy it. I certainly don't try to make it a horrid place for other people.

Anyway, on to other things. A couple of dear friends are getting married next month. I am looking forward to wishing them congratulations, so I shall start early. No, I am not getting married myself, so don't worry. There is lots of Bella love to be spread throughout the world as long as you realize that I am only human and when I say love, I mean friendly love, so control yourself. Of course, it must be realized that aside from caring too much, I do have other qualities and goals. Sweet dreams. May you all awake to happiness.

Two faces look through one into the dawn
One an angel, another a demon's lonely spawn
Both are beautiful, both are wise
But the demon too oft with tears in eyes
Wishes away the sweet sunlight
For her world is torn by light
Ripped asunder and tossed aside
She now must this face hide

Bring back the angel, the innocent child
The one who blushes before all things wild
And hints at love only when she matures
In this way, her heart, she insures
Her peace she brings, her calm she sows
And in silence her dark pain grows
But none shall know, for none shall care
Until the rain pours and she is not there.

Sorry that demon behind the keyboard got her fingers on the keys again. No, I am not apologizing to anyone. I have a right to feel, however I feel. I also have the right to express it here. If you take offense, then you need to work through it. As some people have been kind enough to notice, I have been stressed lately. Having my friends freak on me does not lower that since I do tend to care about them (hence that friend moniker), so move on.

It was a lovely day in Ficheland. Of course, if I didn't find it more emotionally sound to wear dresses to work, dozens of people would not have been subjected to my unladylike behavior as I crawled around on the floor. Not only did I play 53 fiche pick-up, but I also had to sit in the floor to move fiche from one drawer to another. You can imagine how many levels of lady-like one can be in a dress in that situation. Adds to my popularity with the boys.

Ah, I am slowly packing up my stuff. This is a result of my great move to another place. At least my landlord will finally accept two facts a) he is not my God and b) I really like my privacy. Yeah, he's a pretty cool guy. He also likes his room, so he won't bug me. He also has a cat. I can claim his cat as a dependent in my attempts to become a crazy cat lady. That rocks, doesn't it? Sweet dreams, babies.

It's late, so I won't be posting this until lunch tomorrow. It's a long story as to why, so I will hold off on telling you. I got a special treat today. I got to play with maps. They had color. I almost cried from sheer joy. You can well imagine.

I shall make this brief as I need to get some sleep. I got to spend more time with my happy church people. We had class and hung out and then we went to the Roadhouse. I am sure we are infamous there. After all, every time we go, peanuts fly, ice throws itself at people, and random men prove their manhood by eating lemons--peels and all. Way to go guys, you know who you are and for about 10 minutes, I was claiming both of you. Don't worry, I stopped shortly after we exited the restaurant. My cat would be angry if he thought I claimed guys for keeps.

So here I am thinking that I should head to bed. I have a few chapters of II Chronicles to read. It's much cooler than I Chronicles, and everything beats Leviticus. That is just one weird girl's opinions and babblings. Have sweet dreams and try not fall asleep too hard when you get into bed:)

I got interesting input as to a future career for your favorite fantabulous friend--Bella. Since my guest book has been feeling rather lonely lately, I shall post it there in order to get feedback. Thus far no great excitement has begged to be written about. Check back later. Things may pick up after lunch.

Hours later...

I got new fiche to play with after lunch. This was truly a blessing as my fingers were about to freeze up around that little eraser that I was clutching all morning. People don't seem to be responding to my inquiry. This makes me think that they have not read my journal like the obsessed freaks they should be, they don't care, or they just don't have the heart to tell me that I just shouldn't go through with it. I may cry. I may cry rivers and rivers and rivers. Or I might go back to looking at my cat funny as he rolls in the floor.

I also got to spend time with the shiny people. We made cute little blankets. We really know how to party. We also made Mr. Dots. My dot is a punk-doter. He rocks out like you wouldn't believe. He has gold hair and pink cheeks to go with those wicked green eyes. Okay, sleep dep is coming for me. I should sneak off to bed.