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Hello, sheepies. This month may be coming in like a lamb, but it feels like a whirlwind. I spent most of the day doing what other people wanted to do. I should charge my landlord for making me show this apartment. At last, I had a chance to be alone with Déesse, but the love letter was not forthcoming. Bah, maybe later the love will come back. I also got a chance to wish my darling godson Jarrod a happy birthday. He turned the big three, so I bought him some hot wheels. Ah, every man's first milestone: being allowed to play with his first Matchbox car. We all know that after this, his cars will get bigger and more expensive. Well, time to find dreamland. Night night.
My cats haven't actually done anything to entertain people lately. In fact, they haven't even tried to trip me in the wee hours of the night. I think they may be sleeping on the job. After all, no one else wants to entertain me by hiding in dark corners and pouncing my ankles. No one else is that thoughtful of my needs. I spent another great day with the beautiful microfiche of the library. The sun has actually been pouring through my window lately. This surprises me a little considering the fact that it faces the high walls of another building, whose windows probably give a great view of me molesting microfiche as the glorious sun pours into my face. Its a good thing that I really am not a vampire or I would have dissipated in no time this morning. What else did Bella do to make her day exciting? I ate far too much food at the Outback and then went home for about a half hour to be sniffed by my cats. Apparently, they like the smell of steak. I then went to hang out with my Monday family. I ended up tied to one of my daughters and one of my sons. We tried to eat banana splits with our hands tied to each other.
Gossamer bonds have no strength to hold Maybe it's the darkness that has been slinking over my world that has put me in such a poetic mood. Perhaps, it is my friends who are trying to help me find the right guy. I know he's out there, but I feel that he and I will have to find each other. Someday I will trip into him and he will catch me and I will look into his eyes and melt. Enough of that though. I am already writing a love letter--it finally reached page forty-six. I just can't seem to drag some of these chapters out of myself. Soon, I will reach the ones that are already trying to fall out onto the paper and then it will be smooth sailing. *dissolves into laughter for no apparent reason* Sorry, my brain and I were sharing a joke. Will you ever forgive us?
I don't love you? I wonder sometimes how the healer of hearts can be accused of having no heart. I assure you that I have one, but if you aren't man enough to win it, don't cry over my spilled blood. Sick, twisted, conceited little wench hits the net? Nope, it is the simple truth. If you don't commit to me, don't expect me to commit to you. I have been down that road, and my heart is still a twisted mess of emotions. I can love again, but I am not going to slip a ring on my finger and ask you if you would give it to me. Odd how I come back to this. It's not like I don't have anything more important going on in my world right now. I just don't think that this is the forum for talking about some of the big events in my life. Those who know me and love me already know what the near future holds for me. *dances excitedly* Obviously, it isn't love, engagement, marriage, or a child (not to my knowledge, anyway). They really should go in that order, btw. (Personal opinions are free to post.) On to lighter topics. I have heard of writer's block, but who would have thought that I could get barcode burnout. I stare at them and stare at them and stick them to envelopes and books and boxes and anything else they might look good on. I have been doing this for about two years and at last I am not sure I want to look at the little black and white beauties anymore. To get me in the mood, I think I shall have to grace you with a top ten list. I hear you cheering.
10. Through this free trial offer, touch up any pair of jeans with a barcode on each back pocket. The boys will never find your butt so alluring in plain jeans again. 9. For the dance community, we are offering a special headband made completely of barcodes--spice up any performance with black and white class. 8. For a limited time only, get your very own barcode earrings. Check them out at your local jewelry store today. 7.[CENSORED]No more plain black lingerie for today's classy women. Today's woman no longer wears a bra with slinky plastic straps; she sports barcode straps under any slinky, sleeveless dress.[END CENSORED] 6. Need a cute border around the top of any room, order an extra long roll of barcodes and apply them one by one, side by side for hours of family fun. 5. Tired of seeing the whole picture? Slap some barcodes strategically across your television screen. 4. Barcode bracelets are all the rage, but not nearly as popular as the sticky band they leave on your wrist when removed. 3. Barcodes accent the lines of any jacket. Slap one on each hip, and you will be the most stylish woman in the office. 2. With enough barcodes, your plain pair of bell bottoms can be more psychedelic than the rest. 1. Every hypnotist's office needs a spinning wheel of hypnotic glory. On a side note, I am watching some French guy teach people how to crack eggs. Let's talk about people who have it worse than me and my barcodes. I feel motivated now, don't you?
The sun rises on another day that holds the promise of continued life and renewed hope. The sun rises and I rise with it, realizing by the sunlight slanting through my window that soon I shall have to lose one glorious hour of sleep. I snuggle up to the cat who has spent a great part of the evening turning my monitor on so that it's soft glow will wake me up long enough to pet him before I sink back into the revelry of my dreams. The snuggling must end and I rise, slipping into the shower before I slip into something more comfortable (some of us love real clothes). Then I am walking down the hill, observing the things that line the path that I must tread. Rose petals are lightly sprinkled over a black, crusty layer of road salt. Beer cans and cigarette packs are as prevalent. Ah, the hint of home and the reminder that I am to blame for so much heartache, or so I am supposed to believe. The only hearts I break are the ones that would belong to microfiche if they were real. You'd be sad if the only person who has looked at you in years locked you back away into a dark drawer with hundreds even thousands of your relatives. I got to go to another great Friday Forum. The mother of my dear friend Bob *throws a battle cookie at his head* cooked a delicious lunch for us. She also explained that she is selling delicious peanut butter eggs *drools at the thought*, so if you are in need of one, I can give you info on how to obtain one. Not much else to say today, kids, so smile and dance.
Wild demon child with eyes open wide
I sometimes wonder if the men in my world are a creation of my own twisted imagination. I like to think that if they were, I would make more of them respectful, kind, loving, gentle yet strong, and willing to stand up for their love. Instead, I find the ones who will hit me, spit on me, try to take away my heart with knives and forks. I stumble into the ones who love me, adore, need me, want me but run from the challenge of telling me so, and I am to blame because I don't care. They know me so well when they never even touched the surface of who I am, and I find myself laughing cruelly at how they deceive themselves. I think of these men--these men who think women are playgrounds and their hearts an enemy in need of destruction and I understand. I finally see why so many beautiful women shatter their looking glasses, sending shards of scintillating silver over counter tops and sinks. I see why beautiful cheeks so often are inundated with rivulets of salty tears. I see and understand that we are the victims of our own desire to get back a fraction of the love that we give. My beauties, I counsel you not to leap into a relationship for the sake of not being alone. If he is the right one, he will love you. He will take you with all your flaws and hold you close. He will make you feel complete and loved. In the warmth of his love, you will finally see the beauty that is in you. Don't settle for less than you deserve. Some days, I truly wonder what gets me on this kicks. It isn't even February and yesterday really started out a good day. Then life happened to all my dinner guests, leaving me with a big pot of chili and two overly amorous cats. They love you so much more when you have meat products. Then I watched television like a lazy bum. I did finish my second veil this weekend though, so I guess I am not too lazy. I also touched thousands of microfiche today, thus making the whole world jealous of me and my job. I also had chili for lunch. Sounds like my meals for the rest of the week, eh? I must say that I am excited about it, so are the people who have to smell my spicy breath. Well, faithful readers, I have nothing else to repeat or babble about, so I will release your minds to other occupations.
Oh that I had told you I really need to control my urges to listen to eighties music. "I'm Not Missing You" brought about that interesting piece. Not my best work, but it didn't quite come from the heart. My heart is on vacation, so if you would like to leave a message, please send it to fanklubz (surely you know the rest of this by now). I spent the day with my darling fiche. It has been a banner week for new fiche. I may even get more on Friday. Who knows and who really cares? Anyway, nothing much going on here, talk to you more later. UPDATE: Well, I need money. I could steal it, but stealing is wrong regardless of how many people steal from me. I could ask for it, but I am not a beggar. I do, however, have some skills. If you don't get your head out of the gutter, I am gonna make sure you choke on the scum in there. Thank you. I make beaded jewelry and cute journals and all sorts of other fun. Someday, I might find my way to e-bay, but until then you can inquire at (must I repeat this?) fanklubz at meowmail dot com. Just giving you a heads up.
Who's afraid of a leprechaun? Not me, I assure you. I am afraid of people with red/green colorblindness. They'll think I'm wearing brown and pinch me until I cry. No one wants that. Actually, green is apparently not my power color. The only t-shirt I found with green has one little smudge. That will just have to be enough. This is my I-got-mucho-sick-in-France-and-all-I-got-was-this-cruddy-t-shirt t-shirt and I am proud of it. My mind has been wandering down memory lane lately. I think after six years, it finally wants to heal. It has been six years!!! since I fled from a place I had no animosity for because the people couldn't accept me. I have never wanted to be normal or to fit in. I am sure you can see that in these pages, but being hated because I wasn't anyone's idea of a normal kid didn't work for me either. I guess I needed the growing experiences to show me how I should not treat other people. It's going to be a big day full of hot dogs on the grill and random outdoor sports. It makes me feel all shiny and happy, and I invite anyone who feels the inclination to follow us around and join in. Look at this, I am advertising on my journal now, as if my random e-mails didn't tell the story well enough. I have hit page fifty-one of my love letter, but I have hit a rut again. Seems like I keep going over the same things and missing something--something my character wants to say. I am sure I will catch in the revision process, I usually do. Wish me luck and if you look carefully, you may find some other mini-postings by your favorite authoress hidden on the web. Have a lovely day, darlings.
Once more, I find that everyone around me thinks they know me better than I do. None of you have lived inside this shell, so you'll never figure me out unless you ask me. I recently heard the latest in who I love. I looked at them blankly for a second because I only think about this person when someone else mentions them. In fact, the name is so common that I know ten people with it and I had to figure out which one I am supposed to be smitten by. Let me set this rumor to rest, calm some worried minds, and set another rumor going down the rumor mill. I am not currently in love. How the heck can the IMPress of love and healer of hearts not be in love? It is all based on definition. There are people that I love, people I will always love, but no one I want to run away into the midnight sun with to make little Bella babies. I do aspire to make Bella-babies someday, don't worry about that, but this is not the time. Back to why I am not in love. After all, I have a bumper crop of charming men to fall for. Well, I don't know any of them well enough to love them. Some of them look good in the pictures on their baseball card. Some of them have really high stats for niceness and intelligence and all that jazz, but I have not seen it for myself. None of them has the bravery enough to risk the dragon that guards my heart to reach the princess inside. In short, no man has proved himself worthy of my love and I am not falling into the pit again. To make your gossiping about my love life easier, here is the short version: BELLA HAS NOT YET FOUND MR. RIGHT OR ANYONE WHO IS EVEN IN THE RUNNINGS. She is also not actively seeking marriage. I realize that some great guys are just meant to be friends (whether from my choice or theirs.) On to other things.
I am in a rut. I sit down to write, but she will not come--my muse. She has forsaken me for a heart less troubled, a heart less full of rage and doubt. A heart that has not been set to asking, "Why don't I love?" Surely, I know someone worthy of my love who would accept it, but none of them has lit the flame. None of them has lit the flame, and I do not care. The independent one with the wild poet's heart suddenly finds herself wondering why others care so much that she find a pair of strong arms to sleep in each night, a love that can withstand all the trials of eternity, a man who has earned the right to claim such a bride. I am assured that I am a prize to be won, that all women are. I am assured that I am beautiful in some eyes, but only one set of eyes always reflects that when they look back at me. Only those rich brown eyes that sometimes turn gold, dark gray, black, almost green, and even red never fail to reflect admiration when the early hours are upon me and I am alone before my mirror. That is enough, yet I am told that I must be in love. I must choose from those around me or I will not be happy. I know my happiness does not rest in a solitary life, but I do not feel the rush. *sigh* I just need to let it go and sink back into a world where it is not my heart that is torn with decision. I must find my way back into my love letter. I must apologize. I thought that when February was gone, this would fade away. In fact, it was moving along swimmingly and then boom, I got another dose of the loveless blues. Oh well, I still have cats and my goal of crazy cat lady. Now that is a topic that you all might want to read about: crazy cat ladies. Should I? Oh yes, I should. Here goes.
10. At least one visit to that exotic vacation spot where the men in white coats fill you up with pills. 9. At least twenty plus cats. 8. Long hair to pull into a messy bun or have streaming out behind you with kitty kibbles in your tresses. 7. A very low voice that is almost inaudible until you yodel, "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." 6. Thirty plus years of experience as a cat enthusiast. 5. The innate ability to adopt even the scruffiest, smelliest flea-ridden beast kitty as one of your precious babies. 4. A deep desire to go buy a twenty pound bag of cat food each week. 3. Kitty litter scooping skills and/or an immense backyard. 2. Good air conditioning for those summer nights when everyone wants to pile into your bed. 1. A really big bed, a really big house, and a really big heart. (If you want to buy me either of the first two, that would help immensely, thanks.)
The promise of spring is in my calendar, but not quite in the air. The air has regained a hint of the winter chill. I spent another lovely day with barcodes. I hit my barcode groove and surpassed my own record of barcodes touched by me in one day. Not sure how I did that, but I did. Now I have a new high to reach toward. I got to spend time with another lovely lady this evening. We went to get some curry and some jazz. For the uninformed, that means we had some Indian food. That also means we went to see Chicago. It was intriguing. In fact, I have to go out and shoot a man so I can break into show business. Perhaps, I will just stay here at home and cuddle with the cats instead. Prison doesn't sound that fun. Happy cuddles.
Blow hard, winds of time Ah, the poetess and the philosopher awake. By the time, I have picked this up again, it is actually tomorrow, but you will forgive me for posting here. If you don't, I can't say it will break my heart. You'll have more fun stuff to read in the morning, should I have anything to write about. One of the joys of spring break in a University town is that most of the students have disappeared. The roads are not plagued by as many people who can't drive. The streets are not littered with plastic cups coated in a thin layer of alcohol. The buildings are empty. Peace reigns for a brief period and then you hit Friday and realize that Sunday is going to be beautiful. Students are going to come flocking in at the last minute, burned, tanned, and still hung-over. I am not looking forward to that, so I think I shall hide at home. The library was pretty dead today, except me and the microfiche. We bonded and I fought some stickers for the right to see the real call number of my fiche. It was more joy than words can express, so I won't even try. It was also a slow day, so I didn't do much of interest. I came home and cleaned a little and then passed out on my floor again. Some day, I will get this sleep thing figured off. Anyway, I have a love letter that needs me, so go sing yourself a happy song.
It's after midnight, so it really is Monday. I had another one of those weekends where I didn't sleep at the right hours. Hence I am awake at this lovely hour of the morning. Not sure I want to crawl back into my bed though. My dreams have become rather unsettling which doesn't make for restful sleep. I am sure I will find my way back there shortly as my mind is slowly shutting down. My legs, too, have decided to rebel against wakefulness. That could be related to the fact that they carried me around the town today--literally. No interesting adventures to report, however, so get some sleep, darlings.
After all my high-speaking assurances that I am not in love, my nightmares reminded me that I do still love. Oh well, love does me no great service, just makes me hurt, so I shall cast it aside as I have been cast aside and sink myself into the many wonderful things that keep my days busy and my fingers tapping. My dearest darling Horizons is slowly rising like a Phoenix from the flames. Of course, she is still missing her wings, but I shall certainly work on that. I also have this lovely journal and associated website to maintain. Someday I am going to buckle down and add more random joy to this site. I have about twenty things I want to add to it. I am considering an online store for my hardcore fans who want to by Bella Beauties (items hand-crafted by Bella), but no one has shown any great interest in this, so I guess I can put it on the back burner. Then there is the fabled love letter. I slammed into page fifty-five today, but my writers block is still holding me back. I also realized last night that I can finish an old love letter of mine. I was afraid that the content might give people the wrong impression or lead them into false assumptions about my beliefs, but I was reading something last night that said, "Bang, Bella, you can rework it and all will be well." I am so excited. I just need to finish the one with the most pages first. I also have tons of projects at work that keep me busy. If I didn't have these projects, they would find me more. That is what they pay me for after all. Yes, my magical typing skills come into play there too. I don't know why, but I do enjoy my job. It's boring. It's tedious. Sometimes it is even enough to lull a normal person to sleep, but I like it. I like feeling that I am making it easier for people to find things. I like knowing that I am helping my co-workers when I can. Unbelievable but true!!! Then there is my callings in the church. No one is forcing me to do them. No one is threatening me if I don't do them. It is just another chance to make a difference, help some people I care about, and learn more about the gospel and me. You'd be amazed at the things you can learn just by spending a few moments getting something ready for a lesson or sitting down to type an e-mail. So I have all these things to keep me busy, but I also have a million things I want. Yes, I am a bit materialistic, but I can give a good reason for each of them. I want a printer (that doesn't print out bands of color) to print out rough drafts, invitations, cards, etc. I want a paper cutter because there are five million things I would want cut to a specific size. I want my very own house, because I don't like having my landlord act like my stuff belongs to them because I am storing it on their property. I want to learn to drive--just because that would be a good thing to know even if I can't afford a car. Anyone want to help me with any of this? Please feel free to do so. I'd also like people who owe me money to pay me (not that they read this) because it will help me get rid of some extraneous bills and make my trust level go back up a bit. Oh well, all things shall come to pass in their time.
Well, I don't have much to say, so I will give Miss Kewl another great quote: "Sugar melts and so do wicked witches. No matter who you talk to, I am going to need an umbrella." That would be a quote directly from me to you. If you don't get it, you are riding the fence, lovie. Pick a stance: do you love me or do you not? Anyway, gonna go sneak off to the cake in the oven and then my bed. I'm so excited about this because I bought a new pillow. Sweet dreams.
I can't sleep. Perhaps, my thought that I should marry that Dave Attell guy from "Insomnia" on Comedy Central is not wrong. I have never watched the show. I just tend to see a lot of commercials, especially when I finally give up on snuggling up to my wall and falling asleep. If only I could be more productive during these half asleep bouts. All I did was right e-mail that I never sent and worry Ziggy who proceeded to pace with me, meowing plaintively the whole time. So I am slightly irritable because I am half asleep and before too long, I am going to have a striking resemblance to Fester Addams. We all know that I make an excellent Cousin It, so this just won't work for me. I have had a few points of light. One of my friends sent me the most adorable picture of a baby hedgehog. Ah, if I could only take him home and call him VraiBob. My life would be fulfilled. I also must profess my love for Dell. Their tech support people are awesome and even translate the version of moronese that I speak when sleep has too long fled me. I called them yesterday because Dé#esse's battery is dying on me and today, I have a new battery. I am so excited that I could dance if my legs weren't rickety from lack of sleep. I finished the D's today, btw. You have no idea what that means, but it makes me happy, so celebrate for me. Speaking of celebration and sleep dep, the trend goes on. It is one of my dear friend's birthdays, and I am going to force her to eat yummy chocolate cake and have a good time. Anyway, not much to see here now. Maybe I will babble more later.
Well, I got treated to lunch by Miss Kewl, so all you young bachelors can just eat your heart out. Two lovely ladies and none of you was there, but if you ever want to pick up the tab for us, we can talk about lunch for three. I also got to spend some time with Lesha and Alayna, so it was a rocking day for chicks. Now I think I am going to try one last phone call and then sneak off to bed where I hope to find the counting sheep who know the path to lalalaland.
I know I haven't been too interesting lately. I decided to pull in some outside help and spice up the web page. Today I sent out my minion, the Sycho Surveyer to begin a series of surveys that may prove enlightening or only prove amusing to a select few of my readers. Be wary because some of the content may not be the most appropriate. I must reserve the right to censor for the eyes of my friends, so if you were surveyed and there were slight alterations, please forgive me. This first survey was conducted to assess the benefits of living with someone else. Unfortunately, it was cut short, but the dialog was too good to just throw away. Read the survey. And something else that I forgot to post after the message board went kaput.
In a time long ago, a princess let her heart be taken captive. It fled from her very chest into the waiting sword that would slice it into a million bits. The princess thought that she could heal her heart by not loving, but as her heart healed, love renewed itself. She saw in that moment all that she had tried to cast aside for a love that was not yet ready to blossom. So she returned to her castle and cloaked herself if the brightest raiment she could find that she might bring the sun back to her kingdom. The sunlight once more poured down upon her world as she picked up a pen and wrote of her love, her pain, and other worlds where in the end, love truly did conquer all. *peers* I wonder where that came from. It was a momentary lapse, I swear. Someday, I am going to accept the fact that I love too much, care too much, and receive too little in return. Once I reach that point, perhaps, I can find my way back from the dark pit that periodically sucks me in. It's been a long day. I shouldn't be posting because I am just a grump, but it is the last day of the month and I just can't help myself. And I have so many great ideas for t-shirts all about me.
10. No Kisses Please: These Lips Are Sealed |