Some of us are more aware of the toll we must pay to live than others. Yet always, I find little reminders that some people seem to have it easy. They live with their parents and grow old thinking that it will always be that easy. Then others of us work to make enough money to pay the bills and maybe buy ourselves a little entertainment from time to time. Hard to tell who really gets the true satisfaction, but when I look back, I shall take pleasure in saying, "I accomplished this" as opposed to, "I bought this." Sorry, it's been a long day.

In fact, it has been a long weekend. This is my only excuse for my lack of posts. I spent Saturday night at a wedding reception. I had to pay the groom to dance with me, two married women offered to dance with me, and my co-hobbit honored me with a dance. We hobbits have to stick together after all. As he is a self-proclaimed buff stud, you can imagine that it was a wonderful experience.

I spent Sunday in church, reading church materials and napping with the cats. They can be so snuggly. Much more snuggly than microfiche, though I did bring joy to the microfiche today. Speaking of snuggly, I am a little tired, so I am going to sneak off to dream land.

Seems like everyone around here is concerned about sliding into home. I'd just be happy to have someone truly love me for a change--not in that I can't wait to get your clothes off way. That is a different four letter L word. I don't need that. I don't need hollow promises. I don't need worshipers from afar. I don't need to be told how it is all my fault that things didn't work. I just need to be left alone until the right guy comes stumbling into my life. Yeah, I keep writing about it. It may be because so many people keep tossing out names and romance opportunities like fish before a seal. It doesn't work that way in my world.

So I have been a little remiss lately. I have been trying to unpack and re-appropriate more of my stuff while banging out a few sentences now and then on my love letter. I have made it up to 88 pages, all of which will probably get ripped apart when I finally spew out the last third and sink back in for revisions. Not that many people will want to read it. I fear they just won't understand. Then again maybe that will make them read it again--who knows?

I've been learning new and unique ways to make barcodes feel gratified. You would be amazed how much work piles up around you when you aren't looking. More ironies exist to this story, but that must be saved for another time. In the meantime, I think its time for a treat.

Come a little closer. No, closer than that. There is something I must show you. Do you see the gleaming silhouette dancing there beneath the surface of my eyes? Yes, she is beautiful isn't she? That's me. That is Bella right beneath the surface. The Bella that so many refuse to see, but you have seen her and been entranced by her. You keep coming back to see her. Don't worry, no shame exists in that just remember that very few have peered beyond the curtain of cobwebs and lies that obscure her, so don't expect them to understand.

So I have had complaints that I do not update this journal enough. I know it is hard to live without my words, but I only have a certain number I can use per day and I have been going over my limit. You thought this was my only avenue into the world of writing? Well, I fear it is not. My love letter is growing quite voluminous. I had a typo in my last entry though. I am only up to page eighty-two, so that one should have read seventy-eight. I also have a one page newsletter that I am publishing monthly (well, at the moment, who knows.) I plan to rope other people into that as well, so that I can avoid going over my word limit. I also have e-mails that I send out from time to time and letters to friends who have moved away.

Speaking of, my dear Shelby has left me to head west. Such a fascination with that even to this day. I hope she has her cowboy hat, leather boots, and six shooters in case she runs into any trouble. Of course, she does have her darling husband to protect her, so I am sure things will go well. Sadly, this means she may not get to read this journal as much, but I hope she sees this and sends some wuv back this way.

I am not sure what else I can talk about. We are getting a new label printer at work. You all know how I adore labels and barcodes. They just make me want to plaster my walls in them. Come with me, take my hand, let's go visit label land.

On another side note, I got measured for a bridesmaid's dress today. Woowho. Now the truth about my measurements are out. What? No, I'm not telling you. Besides with my luck, they will change by the time the dress comes in and they will have to alter it. That is what happens when one resorts to SlimFast due to poorness and lack of motivation to pack meals ahead of time. Have sweet dreams, lovies.

So I have been exploring new music via the web. I need the motivation of some nice music to soothe my mind and distract my extra mind tracks, so I can get down the deeper joy of working on my love letter. With enough inspiration, I may reach the end so I can go through and critique myself. *giggles* I even critique this journal from time to time. Some day, I really do need to go through and clean this website. I am holding off though on the offchance that I finally have enough extra money to register my own domain name.

Back to the topic at hand. I am not sure I have found new inspiration. I keep going back to my old favorites. They do have a few new friends. As always Tori and Sarah are on my list of ladies to listen to. Shakira is still there, though I am beginning to think that her Spanish albums probably had a lot more meaning. I don't speak Spanish so all I could do is listen carefully and hope for some insight. Nourith is the French songbird who makes me want to tap my fingers lovingly along my keyboard. I have also gained a better appreciation for Cher's more recent music.

Evanescence has found its way into my mental playlist as well. I mean this quite literally as I had "Bring Me to Life" stuck on repeat most of last week. Maybe I am hoping to be brought back to life? I also was amazed to see a new song by Jewel as I idly flipped through channels. I must say that "Intuition" is nothing like the music I expect from her. To be honest, I am still not certain how I feel about it, nor have I had a chance to completely review the album 0304. In fact, if someone buys me the album, it will make it that much easier. *hmms* Maybe, I should make a wish list. Would be more for me than anyone else, but heck, I might as well to escape from the annoying "What do you want for [your Birthday, Christmas, Halloween, etc.]" syndrome that my friends suffer from. I am really just content to receive stuff that makes you think of me. Well, in the hopes that I will update later with something besides a music review, I am going to stop babbling now.

So my website needs a major clean-up. Yes, I have seen some of the less userfriendly issues, but I don't have time to go clean them up. I haven't even got around to making my first comic strip for Rodney's part of the site, what do you expect when I have a billion things to do and a minor cash flow problem. I do accept donations. You, too, can be a loyal supporter of Bella's Bazarre for meer pennies a day.

Some days I really do think I should have gone into advertising. I have such a winning way with words. Only problem is, I happen to be just as blunt about things I don't like as things I do. For instance, I really hate knowing that my website is not up to my own high standards. Maybe I should take some of my hard-earned vacation days to do that. Naw, that would negate the purpose of a vacation--to relax. I probably should take one of those. I feel like I am growing too close to the fiche again. Guess what I feel coming on...

TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL YOU ARE GETTING TOO CLOSE TO THE FICHE

10. You feel more comfortable wrapped in paper.
9. You like to be really close to thousands of other people.
8. You suddenly feel incredibly thin.
7. You notice that people can see through most of you.
6. You keepo trying to file yourself.
5. That call number on your head can't be a sign of much else.
4. You have a sudden affection for bright lights because you know it means you are getting attention.
3. You introduce yourself and no one knows who you are.
2. Two words: stiff plastic.
1. That engagement ring on your finger looks a lot like a barcode.

Not my best work, but I may have been distracted. I am pondering a site overhaul and actually playing around a bit. No promises though as my love letter still needs me. Have a lovely evening.

So I hosted a Mary Kay party today. Why? Well, my face needed cleaned. No, seriously, one of my friends is a Mary Kay consultant and I wanted to help her out. My original guests bailed out, but my Teffie made it. She will do just about anything if you throw in the word chocolate. I said just about--no true friend of mine would disgrace themself, so think nice thoughts. For instance, if you would like a facial, you can talk to me and I can throw another party. I can't promise too much sugar though. Today I went with a nice fruity theme: blueberries, apples, grapes, chocolate covered strawberries, Sierra Mist, and Sprite remix.

I have also begun the arduous task of reworking my website. Why? It has been such a long time since I did and it needs it. I am even making this journal a little more organized for those people who have yet to hit the archives. Don't expect immediate gratification, I have many other projects that I am working on and about 22 journal pages alone. I am just giving you a reason to look into the future with bright eyes. Well, in the interests of accomplishing something on this noble goal, I must stop posting to throw extra html into some old journals. Wish me love and luck.

As you must have noticed, I have completed the preliminary site revamping. This is to alleviate my deep need to work on it obsessively. My love letter has been missing me and I wanted to devote a little more time to that than I have for the past four or five days. I have tried to make the site easier to navigate and maybe a bit more interesting. If a link doesn't work or a page doesn't show properly, drop me a note about what page it is and what is wrong with it. You may even be rewarded with an award-winning smile. I am already aware of the dead link on the front page labelled "In a Box". I will let you know when that page gets created.

Today has been another eventful day of singing microfiche and stamper delight. In other words, nothing of great interest happened at work today. I did get reassurances of the safety of my dear Shelby in church yesterday. Apparently, she has been traveling west at a leisurely pace, taking time to meet some geezers, get sprayed by geysers, and ponder the joys of going to Oz on a tornado. Well, I shall type more later.

Amazing how people can see through you--not as in know you inner thoughts, as in not quite see you. What's even better is when they create an image of you that they want to see and see it instead. Sad how much you miss when you can look beyond pre-conceptions. That is why so many don't see the Bella within me. They get too bogged down by the surface and the pain that has not quite faded from my eyes. Such is their loss and such is your joy in taking a moment to look beyond and see the beauty within every person.

I hear laughter. Some think me shallow because I don't throw myself at the feet of any guy who loves me. If he doesn't tell me, I am not going to assume and chase him even if he is worth the pursuit. I have chased too often and been shot down by another hunter who I did not see laying in wait in the brush. What am I talking about? The cruel irony of loving people even after they hurt you. Just reminiscing on old friendships and watching your friends all but kill themselves before your eyes because they begin to see themselves through society's twisted lens. Just wishing that I could heal them and make them whole and make them see, but I am not magic, just a myth--a fabrication of my own self-love that I buried somewhere deep in my core and locked away because whenever she steps out, the arrows fly.

Ah, cursed symbolism and my inability to say what I want. Aren't we all thus cursed? Well, maybe not all of us. *Tori's "Leather" floats through the air* "Why do I need you to love me?" I had a long conversation with a friend about what a relationship entails last night. I came to the conclusion that all I want is someone who can talk to me frankly, have patience enough to compromise with me, love enough to hold me when I make him angry, and strength enough to make that first move without artifice to see if I share their feelings. Notice that none of that was physic The artifice will get you a big no every time. Anyway, I also ate about eight types of pizza last night. We had a happy, shiny pizza cook-off and then sat around trying the many concoctions which included chicken ranch, chicken Alfredo, white cheese, pepperoni, pepperoni and onions, cheese, pepperoni with sausage and olives, and dessert pizza. Yes, you guessed it, you're favorite sweetheart made dessert pizza. It's amazing what one can do with graham cracker crumbs, cool whip and other sweets. YUM!!! We also got to watch some unique rock videos featuring some of my favorite rock stars and choreographed dancers (Shelby, Dani, and Paul).

Then I went home to clean my room a little by way of dancing around the cats and have the aforementioned conversation. All of that eating wore me out, so I got way too much sleep and woke up this morning to throw myself at a shower. As per usual, Ziggy helped me every step of the way by standing underfoot and trying to steal my towel as I tried to dry off. Then it was off to work where you know what great joy awaited me.

SAY "I LOVE YOU" THE EASY WAY: WITH BARCODES

10. Use the barcodes to decorate a wall with those very words, "I love you."
9. Cut little hearts into the barcodes and slap them on everything in sight.
8. Barcode that attractive friend so you can "check them out".
7. With a barcode printer, you can make the barcode readout I LOVE YOU as the number instead of say 3 0802 1011 45455 6.
6. Barcode that special someone's movie collection and create their own database. Of course, if you made it so they could play any of these by typing a number on their computer, that would scream, "I will adore you forever."
5. Buy a new house, decorate one wall with barcodes reading, "Will you marry me?". Show it to your sweet love-dove.
4. Come on, a single barcode just screams, "I love you."
3. Slap a barcode on their sleeve on that first date, because you want to store this outfit away for future reference.
2. Picture this, their beautiful face recreated with millions of barcodes.
1. Teach the barcodes to talk.

So I didn't post any wonderful words yesterday. It is not because I didn't have anything to say. It is because I decided to take a little nappy nap before bed and didn't wake up until my alarm started backing into me...er...went off this morning. So what did I do yesterday?

Well, I woke up. Nothing abnormal there, right down to eventually resorting to pushing Ziggy ahead of me with my foot so I could make it from point A to point B and prying the cuddle beast off of before I could even do that. Then I went to work where the microfiche that worship me so warmly were waiting for my approval. I got to stamp them and give them stickers and send them off to bed.

I also got to go to a meeting where we discussed the joys and hardships of reference librarians and geeks. I found this rather intriguing as I seem to be a very odd mixture of the two. I am told that I am not lazy enough to be a geek, but I am not to that yet, so I will go back to my original topics. We them discussed things we want to see improved or changed in the Ravishing Realm of Reference which led me, as usual, to think of other things such as:

So remember to be nice to the person behind the reference desk. Not only do they have feelings, but they also have the number for the local police to have you removed. Muhahaha.

Okay, so they don't let me hang out behind the reference desk. Too afraid of my many admirers clustering around no doubt. I can sympathize with the people who do get that joy though as they have to deal with the people who don't even know why they are in the library in the first place. "Duh, what's research?" Yes, there are people with that low of a grasp on the world, but we won't go there, because this is already long and I haven't even talked about the rest of yesterday.

*stretches, trying to stretch her geekiness at the same time* Anyway, I then went on to another meeting where an interesting assortment of geeks, who would make a great cast of a cheesy sci-fi movie assembled to discuss the joy and wonder that is zope. Imagine the geeky oohs and ahhs as we watched another geek play with the shiny zope. I also realized that I am not quite geeky enough. That is my goal for the future, along with completing my love letter, paying my bills, and becoming a better Bella, so I have my work cut out for me.

Dare I fall into this snare
Dare I accept that somewhere
Is the love that will make me
Breathe again with hope to see
The one whose heart will be with mine
Make me whole, make me pine
When dark winds howl, and day fades
Or is it a delusion that my heart jades
Turns to glass and shatters
As once more my pain clatters
On the stony soil of my heart
I do not know, who knows the part

Dare I merge into you
Go from being one to being two
A part of you, and a part of me
For a moment, for eternity
Dare you even see beyond this shell
See the beauty that is...
Can you name her, love her
Never defame her, try to rise above her
Or make her heart weep
In twilight when dreams sleep
Can you hear her calling
Answer before she is done falling

So I have been busy again. Busy not posting here, tehehehe. Some days the words just don't come. Besides I have been busy making my cats purr. You know they can't purr happily without some love from me. Well, I am tired and out of words. Maybe tomorrow, I will dig into my stash of words and slap something pretty on here for you.

The sun had finally peeked out from behind the clouds. The rain clouds were gone and Mr. Sunshine was beckoning for the beautiful Bella to wake up and start her day. This is rarely difficult for Mormon maidens you see because they rarely do anything more interesting than brush there teeth, but an ominous air hung over the day like a dark cloud. This would be the day that our precious Mormon maiden would go "wild" or "mad" if you will.

So she threw open her closet and riffled through the long skirts and long-sleeved shirts. She flipped past the summer sweaters and long dresses. She by-passed the flowers and laces. At last, she found it--the perfect dress. It was long, but not long enough. Rich folds of a clingy, black fabric fell a little below the knee. The neckline dipped below the base of the neck just a touch and worse still, the sleeves only fell a few inches past her shoulder. She was dressed for trouble and that is what she was going to find.

Her first stop was the local party store. She had to pick up a keg to add to the madness of the day. Notoriously known for her distaste for alcohol, she was going to open a few eyes today. Indeed she was. She picked up some Ho-hos and some cookies to go with her very special keg, got some help putting them into a friend's car and they were off.

At last, she reached her destination and wheeled her offerings into the last place one would expect--a quiet little public library with docile old ladies reading to angelic children at low tables. The lighting was perfect. The silence was supreme and here was Bella showing off calves that don't moo and wheeling a big old keg to the center of the floor. The old ladies were astonished, shocked, completely take aback. One of them screamed from fear and raced to the door. Another collapsed on the spot.

Oblivious to how her actions were affecting those around her, Bella produced some blue, red, and clear plastic cups and started distributing them to all her wild friends who had dropped by for the festivities. Then she tapped the keg. Having never done this before, she managed to squirt one of her friends in the face. Her friend looked miffed as he licked his lips, turned to the person next to him and said, "I swear that is grape Kool-aid."

"It is. I really know how to party, don't I?" Bella responds as she passes a cup of grape-flavored sugar water to one of the kids who has been standing around looking confused.

Then the Ho-hos and cookies make an appearance. Music is suddenly pouring out of the PA system and mad Mormons are wacky dancing within two feet of each other. The wildness. The horror. How can Mormons go on in a world gone this mad?

Well, apparently, I hit the sugar water too hard. It happens to us wild women from time to time. So what have I really been up to? I went to see The Hulk on Friday. Keep in mind that it started out as comic book. It makes a couple of scenes make more sense if you remember that. It also pounds home th coolness factor.

Aside from that, my life has not been overly exciting. Unless, of course, one has an addiction to barcodes and microfiche. Obviously, I have that addiction. Step back, baby, and watch the microfiche go mad, too. *little plastic cards dance across the screen as the journal fades out*

Farm animals everywhere are trying to raise their public image to new heights. Chickens are taking out crows in the interests of protecting their corn and cows are forming unions and going on strike outside of steakhouses. Everyone is aware of this phenomenon outside of Chik-fil-A. But what the world is really dying to know it, "What has Bella been up to?"

Well, after my headache and stomach queasiness eased up yesterday, I went to catch a showing of Full Throttle. Yes, the new Charlie's Angels flick. It wasn't as satisfying as I had hoped, but such is life. Of course if you are in it for explosions and girls in cute outfits, then this could be the flick for you. I also ate at Chik-Fil-A. Yummy.

Today, I decided to go for a nice ride on the rail trail. So if you see me tomorrow and I look like I am not happy, it is because my body is against me. It has been six years since I slung these little hobbit legs over the seat of a bike. I managed to do so without falling over or hurting myself. Even better, I didn't slam into any walls or fast-moving cars.

I also got to go to another bridal shower. People are jumping into marriage head first. Not me, of course. I am still jumping head first into bushes, or rather aspiring to be tossed in them over my handlebars. Huzzpah.