Well, it's another lovely day in the wonderful world of Bella. Crows are yodeling, cows are dancing, and bows are playing kazoos in the meadow. Four years ago, a very dear friend gave birth to one of my darling godsons, so I must pause a moment to wish Jar-bear a happy birthday. He is completely unforgettable. I only hope he hasn't forgot his Auntie since she never gets to see him anymore.

So I am haunting the library stacks again with my trusty girlfriend in my lap. The sun is thwarting me, but I figure I could use a little extra Vitamin D, so I am not moving. I do feel a little fruity though, having just finished a lunch that consisted of a juice box, peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and an apple. I've been here for a half hour, working on updating my journal and not finding much inspiration. I am still in a bit of a funk, which seems to have been ongoing for a month now. I'd worry if I cared enough. Sad when I am the one person who doesn't worry me too much. Then again, I am the only person who knows me and has faith that I will become what I am meant to become, but that is another story.

I would have done my updates from the comfort of my own home, but that is not possible right now. Adelphia decided to cancel our cable modem services though we are still paying for them. My roomie decided we needed more channels to rot our brains and sap our inspiration, so we now have Direct TV complete with tivo. We can record and watch as many episodes of Ducktales as we want, and believe me, we have. So that is the basic excitement in my life.

As always, more excitement is about in my world, but I think I will just save it for a special lecture series. Perhaps, that will inspire me. My masterpiece has not been touched in weeks, probably due to my deep distaste for the Hallmark Holiday and romance novels in general. It's not trashy, so about five people besides myself will want to read it when I finish it anyway (feel free to correct me if I am wrong, by declaring that you want to read it). So how can I entertain you today? Maybe some possible book titles from the one and only Bella (vote for your favorite).

Well, I am supposed to be at a party, but circumstances have prevented that joy-mainly the cancellation of said party. So I must find my own party here at home or write one into this journal. That means you need to throw on your party hat and fill your glass up with lemonade. Then we can all start dancing. That's right, darlings, dance for me.

Today was an average day. I woke up and rolled out of bed and went to work. I realized that I draw ever closer to finishing phase one of the great barcoding project. Don't worry, there are still at least four more parts to this project, so my job is pretty secure for a very long time. Aside from randomly waving at people I don't know, not much excitement has crossed my path today.

Here we are again, my readers and I. We are caught here on the tranquil seas where nothing stirs. No heartbeat flutters. No voice is lifted in greeting. In fact, nothing is here but a thought and sometimes a whisper. I am lost here. I alone can find me for no one else pursues me as avidly as myself. No, I am no narcissist. I write myself no poems of admiration. I give myself less care than anyone else, but it doesn't matter. In the end, none of it really matters, not if it is about me. Surely, you do not seek after what has happened to Bella. You are here to be entertained or to see if I have written something nasty about you. Ah, the paranoia of the people in my world (not that I am one to talk). Today, I have no rant thus far. I have only the entertainment of workers constructing anti-air flow devices, so we don't freeze to death in the winter and barcodes--the undefeated barcodes.

See the barcodes came out to war against microfiche that were dwelling anonymously inside their cabinets. They have dwelt like that for years, rarely seeing the light because no one knew they were there. The barcodes, however, have come to end all of that, spreading knowledge and opening up the joys of microfiche to the world. But these are only a few of the fine features of barcodes that we all enjoy.

It's a nice warm day out. I hear that tomorrow promises to be nice and winterly though. We'll just have to wait and see unless one of my readers is psychic and wants to fill us in. It was an average, insomnia curing day at work, so I don't have a lot to say. Maybe the evening will be more exciting.

So I wandered off to watch television with my lady friends last night. We watched Pride and Prejudice. This means that many of the ladies were admiring Colin Firth. I was busily working on a quilt like the lonely, old, cat lady I aspire to become. Not a bad movie if you like to make fun of silly girls and have five hours that you don't have anything else to fill. Oh, and if you think Collin Firth is hot, that would also be a good reason to watch. In fact, it was the only reason that my friend gave me when she invited me to join the festivities.

The party wrapped up around midnight and we all tucked ourselves into the car with the youngest at the wheel. (Yes, I was the oldest in the car. How scary, eh?) We made our way home where I checked my messages and then slipped into bed with my two evil cats. This led to a sleep experience that ended when I woke up around 7am this morning, wondering what could have caused such an early awakening.

I seem to be getting used to early wake-ups. This further proves that I am getting old. I will be telling people to turn down their music because it is too loud. Then I will whip out my rocker and rock away the hours old lady style. Of course, I will also have to bake cookies for all my adopted grandchildren. That is another story.

After slowly waking up and filling up on cinnamon rolls, I went to play practice. I have a very minor roll in a spiffy play that we are having. The planner in me is not quite satisfied with how things are shaping up, but I spend most of my time criticizing everything from ice cream flavors to the shape of my toes, so this is to be expected. Then I spent the afternoon responding to calls, working on editing the script. I didn't write it, but it is still quite good, so if you get an invitation to come to it, please feel free to say yes. (Someday, I will get rewarded for all this advertising that I do.)

I also got to have dinner with some friends. Our conversation took a turn for the odd as per usual, but we survived. We also didn't get kicked out of the restaurant. What more could we ask for? And as I have nothing to mock right this second and nothing else to say, I shall bid you farewell.

I spent a very long day away from the house today. You can imagine the trauma that occurred when I was away from my darling kitties that long. No crazy cat lady is complete without her cats after all. I went to work as per usual. It definitely felt like a Monday. In fact, I am exhausted.

I went from work to a meeting to revise the script again. We also made some critical decisions. Well, people finally agreed with a couple of my decisions. *shrug* Maybe, I should just get the point and keep my thoughts to myself. Unfortunately, I don't do that. Then play practice was canceled due to a lack of participation. You'd be amazed how many people can bail out at the last minute. Oh well, hopefully, people practice in their spare time.

Then it was family home evening with a very rousing game of Jeopardy. We all know how I adore Jeopardy. My brain took a siesta without my permission though, so I found my Jeopardy playing to be not so good. In fact my brain is still not working. It took the night off in the interests of working again later. Anyway, keep dancing.

She comes out again, now when she should not even have a thought in my heart. I fear her yet love her, another little part of me. We all become the characters we play over time. Teffie would understand, but most of you have no idea particularly if you think you do. My little butterfly is so beautiful when she soars through the sky, yet her beauty is quickly marred. Small hands reach out and pluck her down, want to control her and keep her beauty for themselves. So they grip her delicate wings tightly until they crumple and wither away leaving only fine flecks of beautiful powder upon grubby hands. Then the child cries as the butterfly dies and does not see that death would not have come had the butterfly not been held so tight. But before death has fully come, the butterfly is left alone, to die in peace beneath crumpled wings, ruins left by arrows of insult.

This entry is more for me than my readers. I know some of you are still in denial that I have any faith. I also know some of you, for whatever reason, probably wish I had no faith, but it is easier to type than write things out by hand in my paper journal, so read or not as you choose.

I had the unique opportunity (for me, anyway) to visit the temple this weekend. A group of astonishingly shiny people got into various cars and drove three and a half hours, traversed the beltway, and acquired some peaceful moments in the LDS temple outside of DC. Why would we travel so far to visit the temple? That's a hard one to explain. Of course, we got to spend time with great people on the trip (I spent time with seven great people as I rode in two separate cars). It's also quite peaceful there. You'd have to go to understand. Of course, only the most boring people are allowed to go in, but I am no good at explaining it, so I would look elsewhere for answers to any questions you have.

A small scuffle ensued where they fought over me, or perhaps it was the cookies I brought with me. Then we all tucked into cars and started out. I was listening to Sarah McLachlan and digging through my bag for the first hour or so. My bookbag is always a great archaeological expedition, so that kept me occupied. Then I popped in some Evanescence, played a little game boy advance and managed to fall asleep. I woke up in time to see that we were playing car leap frog with the bishop and my friend Dan. We kept switching who was in front of the group. We stopped for lunch at Wendy's. (mmm, Frosty) Then it was back in the cars and back on the road.

Well, I am not going to talk about the temple. There are books out there that describe it far better than I ever could. I was referred to one by Boyd K. Packer, I believe, if you are inordinately interested. I can give you expert thoughts on why "shoes" is a better word to use than any curse words I know. Maybe I am just obsessed with shoes. I do have a lot of them.

For the trip back, I switched cars and road with Dancing Dave, Dan and Kristal. Dave found joy in my game boy while I tried to figure out what we were listening too. Yes, I lead a sheltered life full of whiny chick singers. Dan managed to whap his bumper into a sidewalk which awakened me from a semi-peaceful sleep. Then he succeeded in buying a tea that he didn't want. It wasn't his day. We got home at a reasonable hour though, and I decided to hit the sheets. Spiritual moments make for tired Bellas and I had church the next morning. Ah, church, I have no idea why it makes me so happy, and I won't reflect on it here as time is short.

Of course, I am not perfect, so I ended up counterbalancing that last night. My roomie and some friends and I watched Wrestlemania. Well, I started out watching Wrestlemania and missed most of it as I played games on my computer. It's those word games, they suck me in. You'd think I was a librarian or something. And today has to just be a normal day. I have been busily working on phase 1 of what I think is a 4 phase project of microfiche identification and classification. I can only hope that another seven phases aren't hiding in the wings. I may go insane before I finish, but it's work and it keeps me busy and honest. Otherwise, I would probably be being paid to shuffle the same three sheets of paper over and over and that would get incredibly dull.

Well, I am not Irish, but I do expect to get more than my fair share of e-kisses. That means, you all need to send me some e-mail full of smooches tomorrow. I also want a little green man, Yoda or Kermit preferred, and watts of love. I want to have a day charged with wuv sweet wuv.

Today was charged with love. I got to play with mythical records for mythical mathematical books. Mathematicians all over the campus will be celebrating when they find out. I also got to peer at some microfiche. The microfiche are wonderful as always, so try not to inquire to avidly.

I also spent some time developing my costume for the upcoming Comedy Theater presentation. It's only six dollar a person or ten dollars a couple. It is on March 26, so you still have time to pick up tickets. If enough people buy tickets and ask nicely, you may even get to see me fall off the stage. Anyway, I am going to try this cool thing called sleep. Sweet dreams.

The wee leprechauns have all been hiding their little pots of gold, and everyone else is trying to blend in with the spring greenery. Tucked into green suits, t-shirts, pants, and in the case of Bella the Beautiful, jewelry, we are prepared to face a pinch-less day. I haven't had any offers to kiss someone because they are Irish, but the day is still young. I just ate a healthy lunch, topped off with minty Oreos, so it should prove to be a wonderful afternoon, full of work and more work. You know how work inspires me to post beautiful things for all to read.

Like the tale of the leprechaun who found himself lost in the library and had to leave a trail of fiche when he tried to escape. Or the one about the banshee who took up singing and became a famous heavy metal rock chick. Better still, one could read the tale of the Irishman with the Scottish accent who moved to Norway and blended in better than you would imagine. But none of these is my special treat for you today. Oh no, I have something far better than that.

It becomes more and more obvious that I am becoming many of the things I aspire to be. One of my friends has started consistently calling me to ask questions about her new kitten. Of course, she turns to the crazy cat lady for advice and counsel. Who else would know or care? No one, and thus the crazy cat lady gets to talk about one of her favorite things--cats. After calming her fears, I tried to call my uncle as my family members like to be born on or around holidays. The person who answered the phone was not overly helpful though they did try to make up for it with random comedy. *shakes her head* I almost laughed, but maybe I only get library jokes. (Gratuitous compliment: "I must be your barcode because I am stuck on you.")

I also got to answer some unique questions about microfilm yesterday. Luckily, it was one of my favorite collections. The Underground Newspapers collection was always a favorite of mine. Well, it was after I closed the book and thought my time with them was over. This, however, is not the case. I get to revisit them and call them back to their happy home right here in our lovely library. I know you are all excited. There will be a huge line of people waiting to look at the random rantings of really stoned people from the 60s and 70s, just like hundreds of readers drop by this site every day. Yes, I know about you and your love for my words. Why else would I post such intriguing commentary?

I want spring to come. I want it to really and truly come. Mainly so I can turn the heater off, but also because these constant weather changes are not making me feel the love. Half of my friends seem to have caught sinus infections and late winter colds, so they are miserable too. I'm not sick, just lethargic. I need to step away from the computer and soak up some sun. I do tend to soak up some sun at work due to our inefficient window dressings, but I need a nice warm day to just sit outside, feeling the wind rush past me as the sun beats down on me.

Of course, that would require me to take some vacation time from work *gasp*. How could I ever leave behind the fiche, the film, the friends, and the stickers (err..umm...barcodes) that enrich my life? Would the library even survive without me? Eh, I'm sure it would. It just wouldn't be as bella of a place. Anyway, darlings, unless something exciting happens, this ends my rambling for today.

In my attempts to practice new age hermitism, I have not felt into posting lately. Those who were concerned about not being able to see the great comedy production still have time to buy their tickets. The show has been rescheduled to April 16. The price is still $6 per person or $10 a couple and I am more than willing to hook you up, so talk to me. That is if you can find the rock under which I am hiding.

Those lost days in my journal have been filled with sleep, eating, cat cuddling, work, more work, more work, random church activities, and lying around wishing I had motivation. If I get much lazier than this, you may have to call a coroner. Bella is an enigma always in motion. She is also amusing, but I can't even think of a good joke right now. Whenever I try, they seem to fall flat like a cake in the oven when piggies are jumping up and down in the kitchen. Anyway, more work awaits.

Weaving twisting snakes, venomous purveyors of doom
Come to me, weave a tapestry upon your loom
Tell me to hate all I love, can only love you
You want to control me, you never knew
That I had more friends than just one
And have been against this friendship since it was begun
And I am cracking and I need you here
To help me, as I have helped you, dear
But a moment's trauma means more than this
Crumbling sanity for a single Judas kiss
So I fade away, seek after my dawn
And hope when it finds me, I am already gone

So here I am again, dancing across your screen, colorful veils flowing out behind me as the sunlight caresses my face. May I entertain you? May you decide in one moment who I am and what I could be to you? I've been quite out of sorts lately. They do say that evil works its hardest against you when you are being most righteous. Something must be up in the world.

I woke up twice this morning before finally getting out of bed this morning. Each time a different cat was perched on my hip, which they haven't been doing lately. I began to wonder if they knew I was dreaming about adopting another cat into our happy little family. They hadn't eaten the African violet that my friends Sara and Rachel brought me last night, so they weren't trying to pin me down to keep me from finding out. They also didn't seem to have stolen any of my jewelry and redistributed it through the house, so I am hopeful that my first assumption was correct.

You can not disappoint me in this moment
For you are exactly what you present
You are the one I know you to be
And the one you wish me to see
It is just in bringing them face to face
That you lose your hope, miss your place
Step away and fall along the way
Wish me to run as you push me away

You can not believe me so foolish
Though I know you do and I wish
That I could express all that is me
Without watching you crumble and flee
Before the onslaught of misunderstanding
That only so much at once can bring
So I hide myself away in the dark
Waiting for the moment to light the spark

So last night was pretty exciting. I got to hang out with some beautiful ladies from church. We were doing some random aerobics in the hope of boosting our heart-rates. I learned from this experience that I should not go in for synchronized swimming. I get lost in my own magical thoughts and trip over my adorable little hobbit heels. I also tend to stand really close to ping pong tables and thus feel like I am dancing with them.

I didn't dream about cats last night, either, another plus. I did, however, have a bizarre dream about a swimming pool that was in more desperate need of sanitation than anything else in this world. I wonder if that is a sign that I should clean out my brain or perhaps empty my dream cache. Speaking of caches, I should probably think about reworking my website again. It has occurred to me that there are some unlinked pages, pictures, and other odds and ends. I need to bring it all together for my own sanity if not the gratification of the readers of the world.

I also need to make the critical decision on whether or not to persist in being an IMPress. Without a build system, my beautiful MUD world can not grow and become more fun to play in. Now, I could always suck it up and learn to code, so I can help out our illustrious coder, but I still haven't zoped out, finished the unfinished items of clothing on my list, or even submitted my lovely novel again, so that is going to have to fall to the back of my list. Such is life--only I am waiting for those things though, so I guess it is all good.

Tonight promises to be exciting, after I get past this down time. I get to see my wonderful Candy girl, my friend Crystal, and then hang out with the ladies some more. In the meantime, I shall just have to find a way to occupy my time. *hmms* Well, that looks like a good idea *wanders off to chat with a friend*.

Well, the high point of the day was the play practice. You may recall that we were supposed to perform our great show this evening. The play has been rescheduled for the 16th of April. Another gratuitous advertisement from the Bellaest member of the cast.

The rest of the day was rather uneventful. I wandered around remembering why one should where short sleeve shirts when it warms up and pondering the swiftly changing temperatures. Sadly, I don't have any jokes in me right now. I aspire to find some though if the right rock gets kicked out from under my pretty feet.

I CAN BE

I can be anything--a swan, an angel, flying high
I can be anything, but that will slowly die
For in your eyes, I am only what you want to see
And thus you miss what is best about me
I am a clown, a clod, someone to console you
Loyal, unworthy, the only one who is always true
To friendship which I see is deader than morality
And no one cares that lies slowly kill me
But obscuring me behind what they claim I am
As tears rush over me, no words can dam
The flow of these pain or these tears
But as only I see them, there are no fears
Of losing me and the solace that I can bring
For I must be strong and not need a thing

I seem to find the flaw in my logic, for it is my strength that keeps some people away. It's true what they say about not fooling all the people all of the time and the same applies to pleasing them. This journal used to be such a happy place, so we shall have to work on that--all those happy little dust bunnies under my keyboard and I. *tosses a few flowers across the site* There, that's prettier at least and now to find some humor.

So the dust bunnies met in a private council and made a decision. They decided that every one of my readers should adopt a dust bunny for the holiday season. After all, dust bunnies are the distant cousins of the candy and egg toting bunnies of which we are all so fond in this season. Want to learn more? Well, I will just have to let you know. In the meantime, sleep well and think happy thoughts.

I awake and trip my way to the bathroom, preparing for another fun day at work. My hairbrush is not where I left it, so it must have moved itself in the night. I find it at last and finish my morning grooming before finding my backpack and heading out the door. Then I find my way to work where the books are out to get me. Yes, indeed, they are practicing resistentialism, trying to grow in numbers because they know that once they leave my office their chances of being seen by human eyes again are slim.

I am better than this weeping mess
Who opens her heart and must confess
She loves more strongly than any dare
And bleeds slowly because she does care
And you, you can not see you bring death
Choking and strangling that one last breath
So no one else dares to bask in her glow
No one else gets close enough to know
That underneath the loudness, the laughter
Lies a lady, calmly wishing it didn't matter
Because then she could break free, leave behind
The ones who never worry that she will find
Their patronization, desire to control too old
And finally disappear, leaving them cold