| S | M | T | W | T | F | S |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | ||||
| 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 |
| 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 |
| 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
|
The joke is on you who think you know me so well I feel rather disconnected right now. While the rest of the world is scurrying about, trying to get in one more joke before the day is done, I am hoping they realize that I am not in the mood for such antics. I think it might be because I need a vacation--a vacation and a hippie van. Of course, I can't afford these things. I could explain why but I would have to speak ill of other people, and I have resolved to concentrate on the positive aspects of the people around me, so I just can't do it. I can, however, encourage you to check out my wish list because I shall be posting a few links to my donation page for a) a vacation and b) a hippie van. I do have a birthday coming up in a couple of months, so if you donate, I will consider it my present and due to my method of fund-raising, you will get something out of the deal. I'll explain it better on the other page. In the meantime, I feel like reminding myself of the many wonderful reasons why I have not been updating this beautiful journal this week. I had a few brief blurbs, but they only just went live today, so take another look at March if you care to. My, I am so demanding. Okay, here goes. On Monday night, I spent some time with the wonderful young adults from my church. Leona went all out preparing a lesson, enough food to feed an army of sugar-starved sweet fiends, and finding the perfect game to entertain us. The game involved everyone getting into a circle and selecting a sign to make. One person would be in the center, trying to figure out who had the sign while the rest passed it around the room. This led to many moments of intense joy, and Leona, herself, got to do (in the words of our friend Jon) the hippie, hippie shake in the attempt to pass the sign. The following evening, I was comfortably napping when my Candy girl (everything is just so sweet in my world) called to offer me a ride to our Tuesday night church class. I said no and then when my head cleared had to call her right back and say, "yes". I loves me my candy girl, she's so good to me. Anyway, we went to class where we discussed Ezekiel and why the Book of Mormon rocks and how it really is mentioned in the Bible. Then it was time to relive some old memories by trekking down to the Roadhouse. For a change, I was famished, so I actually ordered some half-priced appetizers and proceeded to chat with the charming ladies and fellow at my table. The other table was kind enough to chuck some peanuts our way, so we nominated one of them as a birthday girl. Melissa got to ride the saddle--woowho, ride 'em, cowgirl. Then the evening really got fun. I followed Boys Club (you know how well a ravishing female like me fits into such a crowd) to a risky location where we proceeded to play Risk until two in the morning. I actually came in second place though the black riders did conquer Middle Earth (Middle East) after sustaining many losses. It's hard to kill a hobbit once they take out your knees, muhahahah. After all that excitement, I finally got to practice sleeping and was awakened the next morning by my cat angrily slapping me in the face. I am glad he wasn't around when I had my late night killing sprees in the Rainbow Coven, oh so many years ago, Last night, I got to hang out with my favorite cowgirl, Melissa. We went to the Beanery and ate and talked. She even politely looked at my five million pictures of my cat, and those pictures of me as a baby that prove I am an alien. What does this evening hold for me? I'm not sure, but if all else fails, I have a quilt, some journals, and a dozen other things to work on, so feel free to drop me some love via e-mail and keep in mind that I am not in the mood for April Fool's Day jokes, though I may have to call and remind my darling Aravan that she is the sexiest woman I know and I love her dearly. *grin*
Open your arms, learn to breathe anew I feel a bit out of it. I have felt out of it for a while. It feels like I am growing out of some of the things in my life, yet I am not one to give up. It's hard to move on when moving on feels like giving up or hurting someone you care about. *sigh* I don't expect anyone to understand. They never do, after all, no matter how much they think they know. Well, while I ponder all the things on my mind, go out and have a good day.
Lulled to sleep by the raven's beating wings So I heard a rumor that it is poetry month. I guess this means I should fill this lovely journal with more joyful verses. I am sure that my untamed heart would be more than willing to oblige, but once more my mind is overcome with the knowledge that people read into my words and believe they have uncovered all of my secrets. I admit to my conceit, but do you admit to yours? Do you admit to your self-deceit? Do you admit that it is possible that you, yes, you do not understand me so well. If anyone truly understood another, would they seek to hurt them? If they truly cared for another, would they try to poison them against themselves and other people? I have no idea what I am rambling about. I am happy and sad, calm and angry, confused and grounded. It's been another one of those days, I think the vitamin D from the sun has an adverse affect on me. The light certainly gives me a healthy headache, but such is life. Well, in true top form, I managed to nap through the evening, so I don't have anything interesting to report, just the darkness before my eyes when they are closed.
I have to figure out this sleep thing. I need to convince myself that I want to go to bed. This sleep dep seems to be working for me though. Heck, my darling Aravan even gave me a big old smooch on the cheek today. I think she was trying to make all the boys jealous, but I could be wrong. They were jealous though. You know they were. In the meantime, I am still dealing with the joy of being me in my own way. I have a couple of astonishingly good friends who care enough to look beyond my inner grump and bring out the sun. Then there are some who wish to cover my sun so they can feel that they alone know happiness. I don't get it, but love is strong enough to keep me polite. Anyway, too tired to amuse you, so go read a book.
Voiceless lips, for only my ears Well, it has been another eventful day in the life of Bella. My coworkers decided it would be a good day to bring in random sugar. We had chocolate chip cookies, chocolate chocolate chip cookies, and the highlight of the day, chocolate bunny suckers made by my boss. I limited myself to one, but I still had a fit of giggles over one of those on-the-go yogurt things. I have no idea why it was funny, but it just was. Reminded me of the surprise prize of runny yogurt that they give out in Happy Meals in France. I also battled some more microfiche to the death. It was quite a spectacle for all who beheld the awesome beauty of it. Luckily, today, I didn't have to stop to entertain a tour group. I did get to irritate my roomie's little brother though. He is spending a little over a week here, so I am an honorary member of boys' club wherever I go. I am sure that has something to do with the lack of suitor's yet I am hopeful. Cross your fingers for me. Well, until I convince myself to read, hit my knees, and sneak off to bed, I am going to peer at some text files and see if I can break my writer's block. Keep smiling, darlings.
A thousand nights I have spent in mourning
by Babbidge B. Bunny (Easter Bunny in section 304) I reported last year on the events that took place a couple of years ago. I told you of the injustice that is done to the Easter bunnies by relating my own near-death experience. I also related that such terror had been avoided. Well, it appears that the postal service was not kind enough to completely update our service list. This morning, I looked Death in the eyes again, three times. Let me relate to you the morning's events. I awoke before dawn to get an early start. So many children fell asleep last night with dreams of sugar and fluffy cotton tails disappearing over the horizon, and I would not want to be the one to disappoint them. So I packed my magical basket with as much as it could hold and made my way out into the foggy morning. I was sure that my safety had been assured. The safety committee had checked into all of the houses on my list and deemed them safe for delivery. So I made my rounds in relative safety. I even managed to sneak past a few dogs who were dozing peacefully on battered old couches in the smallest hint of morning sun. I traveled from one end of town to the other. I thought I was home free. I had a list of safe homes to visit in the last trailer park on my list and then I would be on my way home for some herbal tea and crumpets with the other basket bearers of sweet smiles. Ah, but it was not to be so easy. Some nightmares are meant to be relived just to keep us humble. I felt the hints of some evil as I made my way to the door. I thought it was the marsh that surrounded the white double wide. The sidewalk was clear and unsullied by the watery marsh, however, so I assumed all would be well. I made my way up the steps. I made my way to the kitchen, finding no empty baskets to fill. I came to the first closed door, whisked myself inside and found myself face to face with a familiar face. It was the code geek from my previous tale, but he was not bathed in a green glow and someone attacked his hair with a weed whacker. I didn't have long to contemplate this because another interesting new addition greeted me with dozens of claws and even more teeth. With a wiggle and some luck, I found myself on the opposite side of the door. I dropped some eggs and snuck into the next room. A young MacGuyver was sleeping peacefully with some duct tape under his pillow. I dropped a few treats on his pillow and slipped out without waking him. The next room was an obstacle course of massive proportions. Magazines and material were littered everywhere. I felt like I had stepped into a world of fun that could not be measured. I had no time to explore this, however, for my heart was still racing and my deliveries were not yet done. I bounded over some sandals and made my way to the bed. There death awaited me in two fuzzy packages and life awaited me in the half-asleep chastisement of an angel in blue. As the two beasts bounced from the bed to collaborate against me, their growls awakened her. She opened her eyes, peering out at them and then slid off the bed to scoop them both up. As baby talk that I have mentioned before ensued, I dropped some candy, dropped a huge chocolate bunny, and then wiggled my nose, breaking free before my assailants could be free of their captor. So no matter what the postal service and safety committee may tell you, check for yourself before going into unexpected territory (or just bring the Easter kitty along for protection. That's what I am doing from now on. I can only cheat death so much.) And now for the tears. I am sorry that I love. I am sorry that I love because it kills me as much as it pains the rest of the world. My love is doubted in its strength and thus it is not wanted. My love is denied. My love is profaned in being assumed to be merely a crush that shall fade away or something baser that has not moved me in years, and should it move me, will bring the swift death that would be solace from this world. Instead, I cling to life for surely, my purpose is not accomplished or I would be called away. Today, in some twisted way that involves eggs and rabbits, we celebrate the resurrection of our Saviour. Yes, darlings, I have a Savior. I certainly don't need another, so if you want to save me, please give up, for He already has. I also don't want your pity, your contempt, or you to tell me how I should live my life. I've died a thousand more lifetimes in this one than most people have lived. I admit that I have made mistakes in the past. That is why on today, of all days, I must be grateful. I must forget for a moment that there is anything in this world beyond my faith. If I cling to anything but that I will be lost. Wouldn't that be a tremendous pity. When I am weeping, He doesn't walk away. He bled and died because He knew that I was going to make mistakes and only the healing power of His shed blood could bring me back. Some days I almost understand that love as I forget my pain for a moment to wipe away some tears, to play the clown, to make you see a small ray of hope at the end of the tunnel. Don't worry, I will be there for you and I will not ask the same in return because I would not wish you to carry this burden. If that hurts you. If that makes you weep. I am sorry once more, but when all is said and done, only I know me well enough to truly care for me, and you never wanted that, so wipe away those tears and await the clown in her big red shoes, where "death" never crosses her lips and love never breaks her heart.
Well, it's down to the wire. I do hope you're all having fun with your taxes. The world has kept me from my journal for a little while, so I am sure you have all been withering from lack of beautiful words. Granted, the last time I posted, I gave you lots of love, but I know how addictive my words can be, so I shall try to let you know the superficial passings of my days. Thus you can feel you know more than I actually say. I spent some time losing at ping pong and aspiring to greater things, like not being mocked for my lack of hand-eye coordination. This followed a visit to that wonderful place called Walmart. As per usual, I was not allowed to visit the craft section. It's like people think I will get lost in there and never come out. Okay, so it has happened before, but the right search party can always find me and rescue me from the shiny material. The next evening was spent being happy and shiny. I went to church class and talked about the signs of the Second Coming. That seems to be a hot topic these days. Then it was time for practice for the now famous Comedy Theater. There is nothing quite like watching me run through the hall in my costume on a mission for flannel. Don't ask. The flannel was rejected in all it's beauty, but I did try. I also acquired a fun and exciting monotony breaker that day. Apparently, I got a healthy dose of food poisoning from a Stromboli that I purchased. Thus I have spent the past couple of days putting on a happy face while my tummy is incredibly cruel to me. People don't seem to believe that I truly feel like crap, but that is one of the flaws of being too chipper. Or perhaps, as I have asserted, people can't read me. Ironic that a librarian is not like a book. Well, I suppose I should try to sleep a bit before my big production, so feel free to come on down to the magic of the Comedy Theater tomorrow at 7 and give me moral support by laughing at even my worst jokes. Oh, yeah, and pray that my tummy becomes cooperative because me whining will not amuse the audience. Love you, sheepies.
It came to my attention this morning that I am truly lucky to be alive. Between day old strombolis and month old egg yolks in my Miracle Whip (and I must state that mild hypochondriacs use clean silverware to scoop their condiments), I got a double dose of food poisoning the other day. No wonder I was conked out for the majority of two days. Not that the loss of me was noticed too greatly. I served my purpose when needed as a sounding board or some other form of slave (emotional, cleaning, cooking--you name it, she can do it while her tummy is in turmoil--that is our incredible Bella). So despite my wonderful inability to eat for two days though I did force myself to try and flush my system, I did accomplish a few things. I have one side to go and I will have completed my third quilt of the last six months. I managed to remember to pack the stuff I needed for the play last night, and I squeezed some work in. I also updated the other night apparently, though details are fuzzy, so I can only imagine what I have been saying to people. Most people didn't seem convinced of the verity of my illness, so I may just be a better actress than I ever gave myself credit for. Speaking of acting, our delicious play debuted last night. We decided to call it From Uz, With Love. That would be another product of my warped mind. I was informed that I looked like an angel--all that white can do that to an IMPress. It actually went quite well though I was not the only beautiful lady in the cast with a queasy stomach, but we performed. We got there early and ran about decorating madly and setting out chairs. The more time I spend working on these things, the more I do appreciate some of my friends and the effort they put into things. Dave directed masterfully, Will slung chairs around, Kristal and I had a wild party with plastic, scissors, thumbtacks and even stars. Then we crammed in some practice before the audience began to arrive. Things did not go flawlessly, but, hey, it was Comedy Theater so my microphone searches could only add to the amusement, right? Besides, it is not every day you see an angel stealing microphones and running across the stage with them. If you didn't bother to come and see it, I am not sure I should share these beautiful moments with you though. *sticks out her tongue* Today, I got to attend a baby shower for my friend Stacey. *giggles* I do enjoy baby showers. You get to sit around and talk about sweet, innocent, lovable babies. You also get to watch someone open presents that include shirts with airplanes and, for people with lots of love from Bella, Bella-made quilts. Apparently, I did a good job because she seemed pleased. *five cheers* Anyway, not much more to see here. Keep smiling.
I forgot to mention that I was given a sheep for my performance in the play. You know they love me when they give me sheep. If only everyone were so easy to understand. I can only imagine how hard I am to read, since some people still don't get that I am not available to them and others refuse to accept that I would practice my patience for them. I am feeling a bit better these days where my tummy is concerned, so I shall live to battle more cheesecakes, ice cream, and biscuits. It was another cheerful Sunday full of church and relaxation. I took another long nap, talked to some people, and sadly didn't accomplish much else. I shall be playing catch up for the next couple of weeks since I don't feel I accomplished much during my sickness. Apparently, I didn't even memorize the back of my eyelids, so I shall take a nap. Have a good one.
I do not know love, who have wept for another's pain If you are reading this, odds are that I am not in love with you. That's right, so step off. Of course, if you happen to be the person I professed my love to, I welcome you to my journal. Yes, he knows, so the rest of you can stop guessing. Anyway, I tire of defending myself to fools and charlatans. I also tire of protecting your feelings. If you are not mature enough to accept the fact that you can't take two people, a couple of common interests, and your allegedly charming personality and make an insta-friend, you can go cry to mommy. My soul has aged beyond these childish games and I do not wish to play anymore. Like my love, my friendship is a gem that I hold very dear. If I randomly give it to every person I meet, it will quickly run thin. I also do have a tremendous capacity to love, so don't feel slighted if I don't give you every second that you want. Some day I am going to die, and I do hope your world will continue without me because I can not cling on to life just for you. In fact, some days I can barely cling onto it for me. Ah, such sad words, but I never told you to read them or make assumptions from them. Sweet dreams.
Breathe out, so I can breathe you in I know that they love me. I know because they shower me with sheep, blizzards, compliments, and smiles that I can not resist. I know they love me and I love them too, but some days it is entirely too much. I can not always be the light, the rock, the peace, the hope, for I am shattered, made incomplete, lost again to a madness I can not explain. They don't want to know this. They don't want to hear. It does not concern them. All are so used to me locking it all away, every ounce of my pain trapped within me until it feels my very skin shall burst. Thus I need to be away. I need to escape and be alone where I can crumble, where I can crumble and no one can see, and I can relive an old poem where "It is only I". I need to be far away from the memories that come creeping out to haunt me. I need to be away, yet no one understands. And in true contradictory Bella fashion, some people already feel too far away. But no one wants to hear that, so go read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
My apologies keep flowing, a million sorries In another fine exhibition of my skill, I got in some ping pong during lunch. I played against an adorable four year old who proudly informed me she was winning, so I will go with that. I have been schooled by a four year old and I am proud of it. Miss Kewl is proud of her ability to read hair spray cans. We were going to make some pyrotechnics, but no one at the church had a lighter. It's like Mormons don't smoke or something. *giggles* Well, not much else to say. PONG! PING! PONG!
Posing for pictures, waiting to be seen I must inform you that I was incorrect. I was schooled by a six year old not a four year old. This is just more proof that I am not so good with ages. This makes me every woman's best friend though some guys don't seem as impressed with my assessment of their ages. *giggles* I keep declaring guys are "like twelve" who are anywhere from 18-25, but they act twelve, so I am justified. I went to work today. My work is highly educational and full of fun. I can't tell you too much or you'll all be clamoring for my job and I am not going to give up my fiche. They are mine, all mine. I got the following little pieces of joy from work today:
Name of the day: Casilda I also got to party shiny-happy-people style. This involved sugar, wuv, and milling about exchanging well wishes. The semester will be wrapping up soon and then some of my lovely sheepies will be headed home for the summer and off to exotic lands. I shall prolly be spending the summer where I always spend the summer, with me and a computer and way too many random projects that I don't finish. I need to find a slave driver to make me finish these things. Maybe that can be my cat's summer job. Well, we'll have to see. Have a good one.
when I can't tell you anything any more. Odd, how after a while, it just becomes obvious that no one really wants to hear what you have to say. If they do, it is only so they can tell people how well they know you. Sadly, no one really knows me at all. I am not even sure I know me right now, so if you think you know me, you'd be wrong again. I so need a vacation. A vacation from you, as well, in case I didn't tell you. Yeah, I'm terrible, so go ahead and walk away. I don't have any great confessions or joy to bring to the net this evening, so I shall do the same.
My walls crumble, my inhibitions flee
My eyes open, my heart cries out with joy
I open my arms, I draw you all in
Oh my dear ducklings, graceful geese, sexy sheep, and crazy cows. Bella must have had a good day. I dunno why, but church sometimes makes me cheery. I think they're plotting against me though. I wore green today and they were all excited. I don't think I have ever received so many compliments. Now, when you think of short people in green, what do you think of (aside from my deep affection for Yoda and Kermit, of course). Precisely, you think of leprechauns and Santa's elves. Apparently, I am a gift giver. *gasp* And there are so many things to celebrate. Let's review briefly: Yeah, I'm sure that all my readers wanted that recap of the world according to shiny happy people. Well, I am so loved that I am busy on the phone, so I shall let you kids go. Go play in the rain now, lovies.
I am not the same woman I was six years ago. I have seen far more and learned far more than I should have. I fear it has tainted me a bit and made me more of a cynic than I need to be. Yet, in a way, I have become a better person from the decision I made to join my church. Yeah, everyone wants to hear my random attestations of faith. It's just what is on my mind right now. Well, it is one of many things on my mind. Anyway, who has spent time with me knows that I can be thinking about upward of eight things at a time. Unfortunately, there is a lack of humor in my thoughts this evening. I am probably too tired from wild partying with cards and eating of yummy food. I made these awesome little strawberry pastries. Some day I shall perfect my mad puff pastry making skills. Then the boys will really be impressed, but who cares if they aren't book editors, right? On to other things, hopefully, humor and smiles. See you in the morning.
Every thought, every breath, every laugh belongs to you
There is no hope in this So I spent yesterday in a great blur. It all started rather poorly when my darling kitty decided to announce he was ill by showing me his breakfast. Not a pretty image I know, but this led to the decision that my darling should go to the vet, which he did and they were as helpful as can be expected, I suppose. They gave him some pills that I have still haven't mastered sneaking into him. Let me just point out that the approach of trying to pop them in his mouth did not go over well and I have some scratches to prove it. I also got a brand new and rather shiny toy. I got a pedometer so I can measure my notable movements each day. I am not sure how accurate it is, since it informed me this morning that I had taken 100 steps around my kitchen, but it does entertain me. I have found that I get great jumps in numbers when I skip or can can, so I have some new fun walking motions to use for the next ten weeks. After the visit to the vet, I made a quick run to the store, so I could pick up some cheaters cookies as I wouldn't have time to bake some of my homemade treats before Institute. I picked up my treats and headed over to the Institute where I got to hang out with a Sister missionary and some other randomly cool people, while I popped some cookies in the oven and annoyed the aforementioned randomly cool people. Our class consisted of an enthusiastic game of Jeopardy that resulted in a little strife. You wouldn't believe how strongly some people feel about winning. I am not sure what our house rules were, but I am certain that they changed about 12 times. I believe that the team I was on won. I can not say it was because of any great Old Testament insight on my part, but I do aspire to get better about that. One can never have too much knowledge after all. Then it was off to the Roadhouse, where six dollars will not convince me to dance down the aisles. Now, I may have done it for $10, but the people at our table weren't willing to raise that sort of capital. I somehow hit a pocket of happiness though. I am not sure where it has been hiding, but I feel mirthful for no discernible reason. I also still feel a bit out of sorts though. I'm a little weary. Could be the fact that I work in a sauna, but I think it is my ongoing need for a vacation. In the meantime, a little gift in tribute to my new friend Peddie the Pedometer:
9. Take your pedometer for a walk on its leash. 8. Stop to ask random strangers if you would look fat in their pants. 7. That's right, walk like an Egyptian. 6. Count cracks in the sidewalk, strides, trees, funny looking people, or whatever else is handy. 5. Break into song and dance randomly (best when people are walking by who look oblivious). 4. Recite random snippets of humorous poems to yourself and passing birds (best if you can do it in bird calls). 3. Randomly quote commercials to other walkers ("Pardon me but do you have any Grey Poupon?" "What would you do for a Klondike bar?" "Where's the Beef?") 2. Every couple of yards, skip for a couple of steps and then continue walking. 1. It's all about the clothes you wear, so wear something fabulously obnoxious like a clown costume. Act completely normal even when people stare.
Just stop loving, until you're married Well, it is the last day of poetry month, so I had to leave you with some more rhymes. |