Well, what goes up must come down. I didn't even have enough time to finish my post about banned books. We wrapped up the week quite well. I didn't seem to have great drawing power standing before the display that I do here on the net. People just clamor to love me here. Well, small children and foreigners. Sometimes my friends even have a free moment and talk to me for a bit.

So it is Hayride Season again. I even managed to get some screams last night. It's kind of amusing since I didn't really intend to get any screams from my part of the scene. Amazing how that happens, isn't it?

Conference was excellent, btw. If you didn't listen to both Sunday sessions, I recommend you do so ASAP. Of course, since then things have not been as cool. I managed to burn my hand, have two guys look like I offered them cyanide when I offered to hug them, and as we speak, Ziggy is probably plotting my death for not giving her enough loving. But enough about me. Far too much about me, even. How are you? What's happening in your life? Is there anything I can do for you before I even contemplate my other friends' needs, let alone my own? And how many pints of blood did you want with that? Yes, I know, I am just imagining things. People keep telling me that, and I keep being right, but I don't have time to point out my logic because I am busy trying to kill myself by caring. So have sweet dreams and a wonderful Monday.

I think part of the joy of acting has to be becoming someone different for a brief period of time. It's kind of like writing, in a way. You can lose yourself in someone else's problems, happiness, or amusements just long enough for the ones in your life to catch up with you. Or in my case, you lose yourself long enough for some things to pass you by and others to slam into you with enough power to knock you down and flatten you. "Look out for that ..."

So I spent the day with a darling set of books. Okay, it started with the barcodes which you all know I adore. Then I I got to look at books about asphalt. I also sent some books back to their real home. This means the boxes will filter back down to us with more new books and the fort can be rebuilt *cheers*.

I also got to spend some time with one of my darling actresses. She is alive and well and prepared to entertain on October 29th. On that note, you can catch my acting ability at the Hayride every other Friday and Saturday night in October. Be careful because I may leap on you and stuff cookies up your nose if you're naughty. Speaking of, we have FHE tonight and had popcorn and nachos instead of cookies. You can't imagine my surprise. I did enjoy these offerings and the intriguing movie that we were watching (Home Teachers). Now you have to watch it to understand. I think I had home teachers like that once. They were dumb enough to try to visit me on the night before Halloween. Yeah, just imagine. Now go to sleep. Sheesh.

This time of year, it becomes much more clear how violent our society has become. The movies blaring from television sets across the nation depict people dying. We do so love to watch people die, and isn't it more fun when they are dying before our eyes even if we don't quite realize they are dying. I speak more of a figurative form of dying. I speak for those of us who are dying for one word of truth, killing ourselves in our enslavement to the happiness of people who don't even notice that we care. Yes, those people who don't even see how hard we try to keep them happy despite how it drives the knife deeper into us. No one gets it though. If you aren't giving them every ounce of you, you aren't giving them enough or so I have been the sad witness.

So in spite of my growing displeasure with people telling me how terrible I am, I have been trying to find high points for my day. I wandered off to lunch in a hippie filled place of business that gave me massive amounts of food that I didn't expect. I ordered what I thought would be a sandwich. It was more like two sandwiches and a salad. I also had some hot chocolate which was not satisfactory since it was a powder, but such is life. I may have to try a smoothie and let them redeem themselves.

So I do my best to make something of my life--something more than this journal with its rants or some vague memory of a spinster aunt who isn't really an aunt to my friends' children. I ran away from everything I was supposed to be bound to. I left a place where my highest hope could have been to find someone to care for me, maybe a job at the local grocery, and then hope my man didn't beat me to death after drinking too much one night. I left behind waters that could drown my pain forever simply by letting myself drift on tiny waves, watching the sun chase itself across the sky through the leaves overhead. I ran away. I did the impossible. I graduated from college. I found a job. I found the gospel and managed to grab hold of it despite all I have seen. I have more talent in me than even I will admit. That is half the problem. The other half is that the people who do see it want to suppress it, push it down or exploit it. If I come into my own, how can I ever have time to be their scapegoat, back-up plan, shoulder to cry on when I have wept enough tears myself to irrigate half of the Sahara. So what am I doing here? Why don't I go out and make something of myself? People ask me that all of the time. People just don't get me at all and "I'm so sick of speaking words that no one understands".

So yesterday was a full day. I left the house around 7am and did not return until 9pm. I played on the highway. Okay, so I am looking at highway research records right now, but it is close enough, isn't it? I do keep telling Ziggy to go play in traffic. She's just as adamant as me when she wants attention. I can't ignore her, but people can ignore me. Now that is a talent. As I mentioned, I also squeezed in some time with a friend. She needed the company. I needed to be needed, I guess.

Then after work, I trotted off to rehearsal. It was as exciting as a rehearsal can be, crammed into our tiny library with all the Relief Society things that needed to stay with us. I really hope the remodeling goes well. We need the space. This is me speaking, of course, and I could use a whole open countryside to myself right now for cavorting and perhaps expending all my frustration in gallops through the clover. Maybe I will just dance with my cat instead. He does seem to be in his snuggly mood. It could be the fact that my house was in the below zero range this morning.

Anyway, rehearsal was followed by Institute. We made important decisions such as buying pool balls and finally doing something with our website. I believe I have avoided being drafted thus far. As is usual with meetings, I was taken about as seriously as a presidential candidate would be if they dressed up as their parties' animal or better still if one of them got confused and they both came as donkeys (which would be rather fitting considering some of the useless braying that goes on during these things). That could be your fun for the next presidential debate (Bush as an elephant and Kerry as a donkey). BUT we did make decisions, so we rock.

Then we had class. I confess I sat in the back of the class thinking dark thoughts, but I did go. I may have even caught something. We talked about parables and apostles. I may not have got the most out of the evening. I did have a little girl dump Cheetos on me though thus solidifying the fact that I am cheesy. Then I went home and basically fell asleep with the great fuzz monster who was all up for stealing heat. he didn't move all night even when I believe I got up at 1am just to change my away message. I really am losing it, but I don't know what it is, so it can't be a great loss. Did you follow that?

Ah, this month is always so fun. Sometimes I even have to read my old entries just to make sure I am not repeating myself. I guess I should quickly update on the magical happenings of Thursday. The highlight of the day was attending a party that ended up being three of us sitting around. I confess I got sucked in by the shiny box. I even watched some reality programming. Of course, I considered it more of a psychological experiment. The hypothesis was "If one watches enough reality programming, they may never want to look at a television again." I don't think my approximately two hours was quite enough, but it was close. I also am not a good party goer apparently, because around 11:30, I started to drift off. Luckily, I had brought a yummy chocolate cake, so I was forgiven. Thanks again, ladies, and Happy Birthday Beth.

Friday was no big surprise. I went to work in the morning and then attended Friday Forum. My beautiful Lesha told us about her trip to Hong Kong. I have to admire Lesha. She is not afraid to travel the world, to be herself, and to share with the rest of us. Then I went for a little party to the Illusive Skull with Dancing Dave. I picked up some random costumes from the bargain bin and butterfly wings. None of these have anything to do with what I want to be for Halloween, but with some alterations, I think the one can be altered to make an even better costume for the upcoming Murder Mystery.

Then I went to the Hayride again. Yes, the Hayride--my other October obsession. So people keep asking me what I do. I'll give you a hint. I dress up all pretty and wait for you to come by on the wagon so I can entertain you. Just ride the wagon, okay? It is easier for you to view it yourself than me to explain it to you. Besides, it is for a good cause (Stepping Stones which helps out disabled people in the community), so bring a few friends.

Saturday held the joy of a meeting I missed due to car trouble (which continues despite changing the battery, but I will work on that when I get the chance). I did make it to rehearsal where the amount of people on SMT(Standard Mormon Time--meaning they were 15+ minutes late) gave me time to fix a few things before we did another run through. We really need to get some action time in, but the building seems to be in constant use. We'll make it though and all the people who come will be excited. Saturday was more fun at the Hayride. Seriously, bring your friends. We have been out before 11pm. This means we are not getting a big enough crowd. My volunteer group, alone, probably spent upwards of $300 in the hopes of entertaining you and making some money for a good cause.

Some mornings you just wake up weary--no matter how much you slept. I think it is a result of my soul weeping too much while I sleep. What? Why? I find there is no point in mentioning it. No one hears me anyway. They also rarely see me. I was pondering that very thought last night in class when the teacher overlooked my commanding presence. It's amazing how that cloak of invisibility works, eh? But that and other such coincidences are simply a figment of my imagination, of course.

It is amazing what invisible hands can do behind the scenes. It is more amazing what soundless voices can do. It doesn't really matter what I say or do, I shall always be at fault to those around me. Everyone is perfect--except for me. Everyone is entitled to respect---except for me. Everyone is allowed to do as they please--except for me. So what exactly are you doing here? Please, I'm serious, let me know.

I can feel the wind whipping through my hair. It does not fall as fast as the rest of me. Soon I shall be meeting the earth. My body shall come cascading to the earth. For seconds I shall feel the blood pouring from me. I shall feel the pain. Then the moment will be over and darkness shall come over me. However, this does not come to pass. Just when I have reconciled with my fate, the air catches my wings and I am carried back into the sky.

The answer lies before me. It is written across the clear blue sky. It is imprinted forever in a memory of leaves in varying hues as they prepare to meet their end. How could I not see it? How could I not know? How could it not be so obvious? As much as I want to believe that I alone can make the difference in my world, it is I alone who can do nothing in it. I am gone. I have faded and my time is gone. None of them see it, nor do I accept it, but something in me knows it and this keeps me clinging to promises I made that they do not remember. This is what makes me so "reliable".

As one can imagine from yesterday's brief entry, it was another wonderful weekend in the Mire (not as cool as the Shire but just as sexy because Bella is here). Friday night the Hayride was called due to rain, so I traversed to the Outback. My burger was not as satisfactory as normal, but the wait was rather long, so I can only imagine it is because they were rushing things in the kitchen. Then I came home and stared at my television set for lack of better things to do.

Saturday started with another traumatic refusal of my car to start. It doesn't enjoy the cold anymore than I do. Of course, it doesn't have an adorable kitty to steal heat from either. I hitched a ride, however, and found my way to the tremendously sexy rehearsal. Now a rehearsal with our cast is never a dull moment. From riding the wild table to randomly flirting with everyone else in the cast, we know how to have fun. Of course, we may need to calm down a little as we have about two weeks before our performance. This hobbit needs to learn her lines and where they go. I have a plan for this. I just need to find a little time to work on it. *bites nails*

After spending some time with our lines, Tyler and I decided to make a magical journey. Okay, so we went to the costume store (both locations) and then we went to play in Joanne's Fabrics. This always makes for a lot of fun as I drool over fabric and patterns and wish I didn't have a job, so I could have more time to make myself a truly eccentric wardrobe. We picked out a lovely pattern and some fabric for him and then headed back to Morgantown. I arrived to be informed that the Hayride was canceled again. A couple of persistent phone calls later and I felt wanted enough to attend a surprise birthday party (Happy Birthday, Jon). Thanks Marissa, Dan, and Bart for reminding me that I can be cool to hang out with, btw.

So Sunday I woke up early and sweet talked my car. I had asked a friend for a ride to the other Ward, but he seems to be having a crappy month, so I didn't want to stress him out. Luckily, my car started and we were off to help me pick the wrong exit and discover more excitement in the scenic vistas of West Virginia. This led to me taking a trip to Bruceton Mills. Don't ask me how I do this. I have been to the other ward a billion times. On the way back, I passed by my friend's house that I have been to twice (the lovely lady who got married last September), so I decided to drop in and see how she is doing. *blush* So I missed church--naughty me.

I did make it to the fireside, however. That shouldn't surprise anyone since I had purchased about 30 pork chops and had to cook them. I am told they were acceptable, so my life is now fulfilled. We also had cheesy potatoes, coleslaw, and ice cream cake. Needless to say, a lot of very round (dare I say, hobbitesque Mormons) got to listen to our speaker. He maintains that sometimes other things are more important than sleep. I am not sure how much I agree with that. In fact, I could go for a nap right now.

Today was filled with more rehearsal. We managed to stay a little calmer while traumatizing some of the missionaries. Sometimes our acting is a little wild and crazy. We followed it up with some pumpkin carving excitement. Mrs. Bella and Bryan and I decided to make an SG-1 pumpkin. It featured the four beloved faces of Carter, O'Neill, Teal'c, and Jackson. I compliment my darling Mrs. Bella on her drawing abilities and think my carving skills may come along nicely given an opportunity. Anyway, I better find some sleep, so have a sweet one.

True to form, the lovely Bella has not been keeping her faithful readers updated on the happenings of her little hobbit hole. Is it because there is little to tell? Is it because there is so little time? Is it because no one really listens even to what they have said? Is it because she is too busy trying to figure out the rules to all the games they play?

It's more of not having the motivation. I don't feel like putting down every event. Some of them amuse me more than you will know, and others just reinforce the hardness that it building up on my heart to protect myself. From what? You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Not that it matters because everyone already knows so much. I mean, they do know me so well. I do tell them everything or don't I?

With how much I say, you'd be amazed how much I keep inside. My pain is my own to vanquish or bear. My thoughts are my own to drive me to insanity. My heart is my own to give as I please. If people don't accept that, they will be faced with losing me in one way or another, but I am sure they won't notice. No one has yet.

I had the most terrible memory this morning. It was another in a long series of proofs that I tend to be right even in what people call my paranoia. Rather odd, but such is life. I went to church again. I know that surprises everyone. We had a hobbit hoopla as Mike and Priscilla made a guest appearance. Some days it is excellent to be pleasantly surprised. This was no exception. Anyway, night calls and my eyes slowly drift into sleep. Sweet dreams, my darlings. Sweet dreams.

So I look in the mirror every morning when I wake up. Perhaps, that is why I have such an appreciation for me--the real Bella. I love the eyes that look into mine when they are smiling and suffused with light. I love watching them change colors from time to time. I love my natural hair color, which has hints of gold where the sun has kissed it. I love the absence of powders and creams to cover my skin. I love just being me. Yet no one sees me. I could rip away all my masks and they still wouldn't see me. They wouldn't see how much I love them even if they don't deserve it. They can't accept that. They're all looking for whores to fill the need of the moment, anything more than that is unnecessary.

It is a poor reflection of our society that we want people to lie to us. We bury our minds in television programs where everyone is so beautiful, covered in make-up, touched up by computers, perfected and regurgitated onto the screen. We seek after perfection in those around us. Heaven forbid, that I care about someone for something I can not see with my eyes but feel with my heart. Someday, perhaps, I shall get with the program and chase myself down a beautiful boy with perfectly sculpted hair and enough powder on my face to completely obscure me.

On to other things. I spent some time at work cleaning my desk. Tomorrow we are going to be sideshow freaks to various university freaks, so I thought I would spice up my beautiful desk by cleaning it. Some dust bunnies perished in the process, but our students were amused by my dancing on my desk. Of course, web divas are always amusing.

I then spent the evening at another rehearsal. We are quite the close-knit group. In fact, sometimes you have to pry us off of each other. Yet none of us is romantically interested in the other. Well, actually, there may be hidden sparks but they are one-sided. No, none of us are engaged. I hear rumors, but I believe they are jokes. We also wrote some great stories. I was going to share them, but I have not got around to typing them up because I need to get some sleep. So look forward to that--probably in November. Ha, that month is now filling up fast. I just can't escape my wonderful busy life.

So when last we met, I was still in my pre-performance jitters. I have finished off the holiday season after wearing approximately ten different costumes (including Christian school girl, cow girl, kitty, barmaid, queen of butterflies, Lady of the Lake of Arthurian legend, and a bridesmaid. You wouldn't believe all the wonders that my closet can hold.

So the week has ended and with it the month. So the stress of the Murder Mystery and the Haunted Hayride has now passed away. I now await the mad crush of Christmas and Thanksgiving with their many demands. Will I have to stick my hand up a frozen bird's frosty behind? Will I be able to find the perfect gift for everyone on my list? Will I spend another wonderful holiday with the world's sexiest cat?

Anyway, back to wrapping up the month. Friday night was the culmination of my first acting experience. I am informed that my character, named Jezebel "Belle", came off as a complete moron. Since that is the way I wrote her, I believe that my acting must have been a success. I was reassured by the audience that the play was very entertaining. This means that you all missed a wonderful performance by our wonderful cast. I tried to record it, but the camera's battery ran out on me. This is what happens when one is prancing around decorating instead of charging up the battery.

So we had a dance afterward. I don't think a lot of people knew about the dance since approximately sixteen people were left by the time the D.J. had set up. I felt bad for him, so I changed back into my earlier costume and did the diva thing. The earlier costume involved my wings and I grabbed a veil, so I was ready. I danced with everyone there, including some boys who don't dance. If you have ever seen Once Bitten, it was kind of like the dance with Robin, the Countess, and Mark at the Halloween party. And when that didn't seem good enough, I danced with the veil. That seemed to attract some attention. Even the people who were standing around chatting in the middle of the basketball court stopped to stare at me. I can't assure that they were expressing appreciation, but sexy hobbits in fishnets and wings can't go wrong, right?

The next day was spent helping one of my friends with his costume. We made quite the little dress for his mobster costume. I may be scarred for life. I know that my roommate is. It may have been the corset or the discussion of the length of the skirt. We all know I was voting for knee length. Then I went to perform my last outdoor hayride scene, assuming the building is ready to go by next October. I must give props to the screaming chicks of the circle, however. Jen and I have kept our lungs and voices busy for a whole season. I hope you had the chance to come and see us. Anyway, life calls. Perhaps, you shall see more later.