I find it astonishing how many of us want to be angry. For instance, some days, no matter how hard I try, I just can't cheer up. Of course, I am one of those terrible people who fakes it for the people I care about. This causes them not to notice and often leads them to feel that they need to chastise me. It's not a good feeling. I am also not too fond of one way friendships right now. I don't get how people can claim to be friends when they don't listen and/or don't expect the other person to listen. If I care about you, I care about you when you're filled with sunshine and when you're dripping blood and venom. I am just weird like that. I also don't like being constantly accused of being a poor friend. I do the best I can. I ask no more of anyone else.

I spent more time with the microfiche today. I conquered the fabulous FEMs again. I fear I will still have to look at them again before I die. If there is any series of microfiche I despise, it has to be the FEMs or the PREXs. You'd have to be me to completely understand how I abhor them. Playing with those two beautiful series of fiche has definitely kept me busy for a very long time.

I also ate quite a few donuts. You should never leave me alone in a room with donuts. You will come back and find me covered in powdered sugar, looking like I have spent the afternoon snorting cocaine. Of course, that would not be unexpected. One of my first entries in this journal did detail how the university closed that coke deal. Somewhere penguins are still laughing about that one. They just can't help themselves.

I also have a sore throat. Not sure I mentioned that in my last post. You know that just kills my kissing agenda. Oh wait, it helps it. I only have four more years to go before I can reclaim the title of virgin lips. *smiles* Almost hard to believe I have even been kissed, right? Don't think about that. I'd rather think about anything that can sooth my poor throat. In the meantime, I am gonna stop typing to talk to the missionaries.

So I forgot to post and despite taking the day off yesterday, I didn't seem to find much to say. It could be because when I woke up at around 7am, my throat was still aching. Then when I awoke again, the pain in my throat had subsided, but my left ear felt like a mole was burrowing around in there. Being sick is definitely full of fun and excitement. Anyway, for a bit of fun, I thought I would list some things I felt like saying to people but didn't and a couple that I did say and probably shouldn't have over the past week.

My Housemate on pretzels: "Old but still tasty."
My reply: "I hope that is what my husband says about me when we're in our nineties."

"If you plan on using someone to cover your butt, you might want to pick someone with a larger butt than yours."

"I hope you like games, honey, you're about to get played."

"The more you think you own me, the less you realize that I'm the one holding the leash."

"Down boy, humping my leg isn't going to make me like you."

"He'd have to have a brain to realize what he passed up."

And from my mom: "I can't have her, but I can have her cookies."

Yes, mom's are funny too. I am still working on cleaning off my desk. This would go faster if the preliminary work for some of my projects was getting done. The weather being a bit more friendly would also help. Somehow I don't feel like wandering down to the land of dust and derivatives when it is below freezing, raining, or icy outside. I'm not the polar bear that I once was. In fact, I think I may eventually have to move to a warmer climate. My car is rubbing off on me.

I did get my car started yesterday. I hate nothing more than sitting around the house all day even if I am sick enough to actually call off work. I made an appearance at the lunchtime church class where I was thankful that my ears were not too stopped up to hear. We were discussing chapters of Isaih as quoted in The Book of Mormon and how they apply to us and why Nephi quoted so many of them. Brother Waldron explains it better than me, so I recommend joining the class.

I also got another vote that I should publish a book. My Bellabooo fanfiction seems to have touched many of my fabulous clan mates. Of course, the longer I go between posts, the more praise they give my writing. I begin to fear that they may be addicted and hope flattery will wake up my muse. I'll see what I can do about that between microfiche and playing cards. My days are never dull, I must admit.

I could heal you with one kiss of these lips
Let it all go, as the world slowly slips
And you can see the beauty of roses anew
Feel your heart melt, as mine does for you
But not as much as you would suppose
As you so calmly, try to impose
Your adoration for you into me
I love, but that is love is to pure to be
Tainted by a child's adoration, my friend
So turn away, if you must make this end

Despite the fact that it is Friday, I didn't find any new and cool names to assign to random cats and cartoon characters in my world. I did have an intriguing lunch, complete with talk of cocaine and get a nice nap, uninterrupted from the cats. Other than that, all of the excitement was in my head. In the words of the empath from TNG, and in response to some people's queries about why I do what I do, "Because somewhere inside of you, you really want me to." Not directed to anyone that reads this journal, but I know what I am talking about and that is all that matters.

So that beautiful day of love is fast approaching. A couple of years ago I wrote some articles. They are under the special additions tab in case you wish to woo a hobbit or a geek. I haven't been getting much love. It seems to be directly related to how little I want love right now from anyone besides my cats.

I am all about spreading the love though, which also has nothing to do with my lack of posting. I presented Miss Kewl with an adorable giraffe on Tuesday. Luckily, the giraffe was beyond adorable, so she happily accepted it into her small harem of giraffes. I believe it may now be the giraffe that tells people to go away when they annoy her. I'm still waiting to hear its name.

I also attended a baby shower for a co-worker. Everyone at the library, except me, apparently, knows the fine art of making flannel blankets. I didn't make a quilt for this one. I already had a random one for a little girl in the works, but my co-worker has a little boy in the works. I actually finished that quilt a moment ago, so I can now move on to one of the many other projects that is formulated in my head. Speaking of those, I don't have much else to say, so I leave myself time to work on a variety of other tasks before passing out this evening.

Bring me moonlight, it falls from your lips
Like the way it through my window slips
Finding me always no matter where I dream
Lighting my heart no matter how dark it may seem

Bring me moonlight, soft and sweet
But never too weak to defeat
The pain in me, desire to cease
Chasing love, there is no release

Bring me moonlight to weave in my heart
A tapestry of love that can not part
My heart from yours, my hand from your cheek
Your love alone is the moonlight I seek

Ah, Friday, glorious Friday has fallen upon us. Here I am with my cat on my couch thinking about quilts and cards and adorable cats. I spent the morning looking at names. My readers know how I adore them. Nunlist is apparently a last name. I think my name would be on that list if I was a Catholic. Of course, I am not, so I was not one of the fabulous dotheads on Wednesday. I also didn't do any wild partying for Mardi Gras though people do try to send me to New Orleans from time to time.

I had another fantastic Friday feast. We had sloppy joes and tater tots and heart shaped cookies. I guess we all needed to take heart. The Wallaces gave us a little bit of information about love and the Hallmark Holiday. I feel love should be shown three hundred sixty-five and a quarter days per year in little ways. In other words, I don't feel the obligation to distribute cards to people just to show my affection. Of course, I did find some cards in my room, so maybe some lucky people will be blessed with cards.

As nothing of great excitement has happened to report, I shall now find my way to other ports of interest in my cozy little hobbit hole. *sails away with one cute cat and too many projects*

I am currently engaged in watching The Hours. It is mixing with my memories of the The Bell Jar and making me wonder if all writers and poets are completely insane. Have we all lost our grip on reality and gone spinning out into a part of the world that no one else dares to venture into? Have we found something that gives us an escape from a reality we find too much to bear? Actually, this movie is rather depressing.

I do not wish to sleep, to dream
To feel agony, what it does seem
Is brushing my cheek with more to say
Than, "I love you, even this way,
When the tears crystallize
Breaking the hold of those eyes
And setting me free from your gaze,"
But he has no time for displays
And no time for me, he doesn't exist
So the goddess falters, never kissed

You can read a poet's word for hours and think you understand it. You can memorize every word and still not understand anything she said. I find all too often that I say things directly to people and they refuse to understand. Not that any of this matters at all. Nothing matters at the end of the day except those piles of paper on my shelf, those piles of words that have spilled from my keyboard, and those few who could love me despite everything, Those rare few who never ever felt ashamed to care for me. And if you ever once denied it, you have no right to be angry that I don't love you and want to devote myself to your happiness.

So there we have it. You have to make your own happiness. I tire of people piling their shame and agony on me. This is not a day and age of martyrs. You are not a martyr because you refuse to love. You are not a martyr because you tell me of your faith. I am not a sinner because I do not obey what you say and not follow what you do which is in direct opposition to it. Again, I write to those who can not read, will not understand, and have no desire to know the truth.

"I'm so tired of being here, trapped by all my foolish fears" My Immortal ~ Evanescence

"You can't save me,You can't change me, Well I'm waiting for my wake up call, And everything, everything's my fault." Save Me ~ Unwritten Law

"I'm about to give you away for someone else to take." Ex-Girlfriend ~ No Doubt

"Look, I'm standing naked before you, don't you want more than my sex?" Leather ~ Tori Amos

"If I could turn back time, I'd take back all the words that'll hurt you, and you'd stay." If I Could Turn Back Time ~ Cher

Perhaps, I should stop there. Too many songs in my head. Too many words that mingle with the poetry already there and make me wonder if, perhaps, those movies about poets do have some truth. We're not really insane just unable to integrate ourselves into a world that makes no sense.

It's a heavy burden to carry a soul. It is a heavier burden to know that you carry one and have to be gentle with it. Worse still is when you realize that everyone around you also has a soul to care for. Then there are those of us who truly do not wish to bring harm to others. And we bleed more than most people will ever know.

It's only Wednesday, but I feel like I am the middle of Tuesday of next week. How can I feel so worn out? I swear this hasn't been that exciting of a week. I spent Monday in the company of other single, young Mormons as always. We played games. We ate some delicious cookies made by my twins and wrote what we like about each other.

Tuesday was my average Tuesday, full of hobbit hijinks, Institute Intelligence, Bashful Barcodes, and Merry Microfiche. Basically, I ran around like I always do, trying to do everything at once. Of course, this is me, so it will only get worse before it gets better. I may get around to explaining it, but I don't really feel like talking. Talking takes too much out of me.

This evening, I got to hang out with some lovely ladies and make cards. As you can see, my life is dominated by church and work and my cats. How I find time to update all my online donations is beyond. And now, to bed with my cat. Woowhoo!

So you take two people who for whatever reason think they know another person, mix, and see what happens. It's never pretty and it usually makes both people look like morons, particularly to the person who they think they have now figured out. No matter who you quiz about some people though, you will never get in, regardless of your conceit. For instance, someone asked me this evening what I want to be when I grow up. I balked at the question not because it was an odd question to ask an old soul, but because despite the fact that he is a truly cool guy, it was not and is not any of his business.

In fact, it is very few people's business what I do or what I want out of life. It is also very few people who have the right to be in my space. If I let you in my space, but warn you that you've overstepped your bounds and you don't listen, you have no right to be depressed because "I'm mean". I am not mean. I am not cruel. I am just not interested in people who already passed judgment before they knew me and now think they know me so well. My cat is about the only person who can claim to know me or find me happy to have him in my space.

I think I may be getting sick. My head has felt a little wonked all day, so I came home early to try and get some rest before venturing out to play nice with my friends. I felt okay, during Jeopardy, but I am feeling a little out of it right now. Perhaps, that is why other people's constant interference in my world is making me want to tell them all to go away--not that they would. No one ever believes that I am sincere, and no one ever believes that I know the true and honest desires of my heart. I know and I have no desire to tell anyone here. Why? Because it is for me to know and for those people I invite into my life to know. As I am not at liberty to invite one of those people at this time, the rest of you may now step off and quit making transparent excuses to pry into my life.

And now for moments with the cat who adores me. Yes, that would be the one individual who has any claim over me. No other does and so you may all quit deluding yourselves.

You've looked into every hole that I left open. You've pried into places where no knowledge of me really lies. You've sought after that which has not been written and never will be. You seek to have me, to know me, to control me, and you, like all the others, do not realize who stands before you. You tried though, and you feel that should be rewarded. I don't. I don't enjoy prying any more than I appreciate manipulation or attempts at it.

I could care less at this point who loves or hates me. The people who truly matter do love me and have that feeling returned. Of course, other people exist who I really don't feel much one way or another about, and I am tired of people telling me how bad I should feel about that. I don't hear them telling other people that they need to love people. Of course, most people are so fickle that their loves are so shallow that you couldn't get your toe wet in them. My loves run deeper than even the Mariana Trench, so I do not fall at the drop of a hat, nor does my love just fade away (even when the people are undeserving). I guess that is why I find people so intolerable when they are shallow, clingy, needy, or completely insensitive.

So I got to visit people in an assisted living community this morning. We took them some cookies and the cards we made on Wednesday evening. I am not sure that we did the best job of spreading the love, but I haven't been doing well with talking to people that I don't know. Almost as fun as talking to people who don't know me but think that they do.

It should be noted that when people are following you who don't know where you are going, running red lights is not the best idea. Also, mocking people because they react poorly to pressure is rude and in many cases inadvisable. However, pasta salad while easy to make is an excellent and appreciated side dish for luncheons. My daughter-in-law *giggles* was quite pleased with our friend Nikki's rendition of pasta salad. I love Nikki. She's a sweetheart. Hey, I have to say something positive, so why not confess my unabashed appreciation of someone who is wholesome, sweet, compassionate, and, most importantly, real? Anyway, I have to cook for the army of Helaman tomorrow, so I am off to do some prep work, but, as an aside, my darling princess none of my recent rants has been about you. I had to say that after looking at your journal. Keep following your heart and the wisdom within you and tell those "parents" that they need to grow up.

So I have been thinking a lot about this journal as I read some of the bitter diatribe and shake my head. Somewhere along the way, a part of me got murdered and no one cared to launch an investigation. When I started this journal, my intent was to find a nice outlet for all the mockery I feel toward a world that I am in, but which holds no claims to me. It doesn't matter how much I live in it, I can always find something new in the world that is ridiculous and worthy of a good jab with the joke stick.

For instance, I could mock the people who pretend or think that we live in a gentile society where the only way that they can feel they have worth is by dropping names. You know these people. They are the ones who keep regaling you with tales of Master Eustache the cake eater because they think their association with him finally gives their life meaning. I have no Master Eustache, just prince Rodney who has taken to waking me up in the morning by rooting through those piles of project supplies on my floor. He and the great Queen Ziggy take turns at this, and you have never seen two more disturbed looking hairballs than my little ones when I responded by hissing at them yesterday morning. I am not sure Ziggy has completely recovered because she has been quite easy to scare ever since.

Of course, once can well imagine that I spent the rest of the day at the church. I dropped into the choir practice to create a healthy level of disharmony. I was told I wasn't creating disharmony, so, perhaps, I should sing louder next time. I do like to refer to my singing voice as an "untrained weapon". I would hate to think that I have deluded myself all this time. (Though I have received compliments for my ability to sing Tori Amos' "Leather" without accompaniment).

Then I went home to tidy up a paper journal, and try to take a nap before heading out to cook for the army of Helaman. Yes, I wrapped fifty pigs in a blanket all by my little self. Toward the end, I was thinking about those little piggies and how one of them didn't get roast beef. That's just sad, isn't it?

Anyway, a sweet little old lady talked to us about lovely, virtuous, and lovely things. Despite my ongoing fatigue, I believe I managed to get a lot out of what she had to say. She also pointed out that a good cook is worth her weight in gold. *giggles* Since she later complimented my ability to cook for twice as many people as showed up, I feel deeply appreciated.

Today, I ventured back down into the land of derivatives. It was as exciting as always and tomorrow will find me deriving my escape from barcodes. I did take a little break from obsessively going to church activities to hang out with the hewlest girl on the planet. We partook of the joy of visiting Cold Stone Creamery. I confess that I was not impressed by the setup of the place (I must be ill, I didn't buy any ice cream). They had some tables along the walls and this huge space in the middle of the room that could be used for a dance hall. The room was also far too warm, and the service appeared to be quite slow. I may have to try again, but on the first go, I wasn't impressed.

The real news of the day, however, is that I now rule the world. My Mrs. is in control of Africa, but the world is mine. I think she is hoping to create an empire of Jaffas there and I will not discourage her. I also almost got another proposal of marriage. The look of pure admiration as one of my friends declared, "You make those things", spoke of a deep appreciation and love. And thus ends another exciting day in the life of a hobbit. Now to go tell my secrets to Prince Rodney and Queen Ziggy.

So I came across some excellent reading material when rooting around in the trash on Tuesday. As Tuesday is an incredibly busy day for me, I didn't get to peruse much of it or recycle it for you. Now with the help of Velvet Fuellner and Nannie Vanderhoof, our resident cheerleaders (forgive me, Nannie, the names were too perfect), I hope to enlighten the world on cheering as we did it in the old days when clothes were still the coolest things (and not because they basically equated to wearing your undergarments as clothes).

So I got the chance to discuss the real purpose behind cheerleading with Velvet and Nannie. They referred me to some older literature on the subject. I can't find a date in this book, but it features excellent pictures of skirts that go way past the knee, and sometimes gratuitous beanies. Anyway, here is the quote that proves the real purpose of cheerleading--world domination: "By means of your good nature, your genuine smile, self-assurance and poise, you will have it in your power to draw the crowd to you. Then and only them can you control them in any situation."

With magnetic personalities and so much more, Velvet and Nannie have promised to tell me more, but they are busy cheering. Cheering about what? Probably all of this snow. Enough snow has fallen to keep them occupied with building the perfect pyramid. More later, but Bella is very popular this evening, so off she goes. Keep reading and soon you, too, shall adore me for the charming woman of poise that I am.

I adopted a cute lil' fairy fetus from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

I adopted a cute lil' dragon fetus from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

How could I possibly resist such cute little fetuses, especially since I was beginning to think Rodney would be an only child. I recommend you all go adopt your own fetus, and yes, they do have the cutest little giraffes to adopt as well. Everyone needs their own little embryos to love.

It has been another eventful day. This left me little time to find more magical cheerleading moments. I know that all my readers are depressed about this. I was kind enough to let you see my little babies. I don't see you introducing me to your new little ones. *pouts* And that is very cruel of you.

I got to revisit the wonders of the French revolutionary calendar today. This is because I was looking at a book that was published in the third year that they used that particular calendar. You can research that and do your own math. In the meantime I would like to point out that leather bindings tend to disintegrate after a long enough period of time. Of course, the binding of books in the past was more of an art form than it is today. That is a topic for another day, however. Sweet dreams.

So I spent another day inside the brick palace of knowledge. In this edifice of intelligence and microfiche, I stayed fairly warm while snow swirled outside. The snow is constantly mocking us. The small child in us wants to run through it, wrapped in scarves and mittens, throwing snowballs, making snow angels, and generally have a good time.

Unfortunately, when one is at work, they don't get much time for playing randomly in the snow. I had to console myself by creating an account on facebook. If you don't know what I am talking about, don't worry about it. In the meantime, I am spending some time learning about dancing French bread and the inability of people to name or describe groups without using tremendous amounts of profanity. Seriously, we have so many words in the English language, try using a couple of extra ones.

In an unprecedented second week, I won at the magical game at Monday Mormon Moments. I somehow succeeded in winning our one round of Pit. My lesson also seemed to be appreciated which is always good. Granted, most of my support came from my Mrs., but I believe it was sincere appreciation. And now I am off to ponder the eternal round of waiting for phone calls, e-mails, and crazy cats to attack my lap and thus my laptop.