Go on, darlings, and crack open the champagne to ring in the new year, but if you want me there, you'll have to find a less offensive beverage. I recommend sparkling white grape juice. I have an unhealthy addiction to that particular beverage, luckily, it is a seasonal addiction, so it doesn't come over me very often. So my last entry may have been confusing. The riding around was on Thursday not yesterday. Yesterday was spent with cats, fabric and a lovely quilt.

Now it is time for the year end review. After looking at my resolutions for last year, I believe I may have succeeded at about 4.8 of them, so I guess I should just let the other ones carry over and work on them some more. So let us see what we have now.

1. Spend less of my time explaining things that don't need explanation.
2. Budget my time better, so I can...
3. Finish more of those unfinished projects that are piling up in my closet.
4. Pick a masterpiece and finish it (so my love letter won't be lonely on my shelf).
5. Take better care of me and encourage other people to do the same.
6. Spend less of my time worrying about whether I am hurting other people (since they rarely care enough to be hurt anyway).
7. Clean up my life (one pile of fabric at a time).
8. Improve my mad web skills and revamp this website.
9. Spend less time playing games (on the net and with fools).
10. Be more willing to stand up for me and what I believe in.

So aside from once more being told I said things I did not and don't understand things that I understand all too well, what did I do with this lovely first day of the year? I cleaned my house a bit, playing with more fabric. If I ever get the time, I am going to have quite the intriguing wardrobe. I am also going to be able to open a craft store (if I find that time). That would explain resolutions 1 and 2. I also watched a couple of charming chick flicks while working on my quilt which should be done in no time.

My room mate also returned, so I have one less cat sleeping in my bed. This also means I will not have my face rudely licked by a cow kitty in the morning. This will also cut down on the tremendous amount of screaming from Ziggy who is incredibly jealous of the huge tabby in my world. She does love to throw herself at him while screaming obscenities. If she were human, she would definitely be a redhead. Anyway, the day is not done and I have more things to do before I can get into my new year's groove, so off with you. Go celebrate or not, as you choose.

So I was observing the efficiency of entering and exiting a four way stop. I haven't driven since Thursday, so my driving had such a great impact on me. Three of us went through the intersection at the same time. Yes, that is correct, three of us. No, we did not cause an accident. We were all using the appropriate turn signals and interpreted those signals correctly. If I write something and you choose to put more or less into my words than I intended, I have no obligation to feel sorrow for you. Subsequently, you have no right to try to make me feel like a terrible person. One should also not assume that my entries are directed to them since many of the volatile ones are directed at multiple people who make the same mistakes.

Anyway, as one can well imagine, I spent the morning in church. When the students aren't around, the ward has fewer people, so we ended up letting out a little early. I peeked into our library again, which is now under my direction for reorganization. I am almost excited about sorting through all of these books. I just have the feeling that our library is going to need quite a few purchases made to get it up to speed. Most of the books have been locked away for the last year while the upstairs was being remodeled. So that is one of the many projects I have found to fill my new year. We all know I will find many others. I made some of them my new year's resolutions, after all.

So a cheesecake is baking in the oven, I have banana bread on the counter, and I feel like I ate too much, but the evening is winding down. Soon I will be curled up under the covers with the scriptures and some cats, trying to find the answer to all my heart's current burning questions. I can't promise I will find them, but I shall awake in the morning to find that I must drag myself to work and face again the beauty that is microfiche. Mmmm. Microfiche dreams to my various and sundry readers.

So I woke up this morning to what could have almost been a nightmare for any crazy cat lady. My cat, Rodney, was literally underneath me. Apparently, leaning against me was not close enough because he took offense to me trying to move him. I was trying to make sure he was still alive, which he was and very angry that his incredibly large blanket was touching him. He subsequently stalked off while a very weary me tried to figure out how he lived through being slept on by me. I think it disturbs me more that he was apparently enjoying being slept on. I may have to get him some more friends to play with. He's obviously not getting enough love from the cowcat and the fem-Nazi.

Then I dragged myself to work where I was greeted by the joy of the sauna again. Nothing brings greater happiness than entering a warm, muggy building when you are still wishing you were in bed. I managed to stay awake with the help of some sugar babies and M&M's. For some reason those were the most delicious M&M's that I have had in a long time. In fact, most everything hasn't tasted quite right to me lately, which is sad because I even had cheesecake made with my own little hobbit hands tonight, and it wasn't quite perfect on my taste buds.

After work, I took a little nap before heading out to Monday Mormon Moments. It was a little tamer than usual, probably due to having so few people. I gave a lesson and then we played a rousing game of Mormon Bingo. Dan, Aaron, and Dave all won a round before interest waned and we ended for cheesecake and random games of pool and fuss-ball. I got to chat with Tori (no, not the Tori, but still a cool Tori) about animals and home improvement.

Then it was back home to win the battle for the spot again. I stole my room mate's parking space in his absence and he has yet to reclaim it. He came out to move his truck only to find that the hobbitmobile was happily pulling into the coveted spot. Now I am preparing to sneak off to bed with my cat, who hopefully doesn't mistake me for a blanket again. Perhaps, I will let you all know the top ten reasons I am not a blanket sometime, but for now, I will just have to convince my cat.

I've been cursed at and grouched at for not turning my world upside down for other people today. It amazes me how people just expect each other (or maybe just me) to crawl on their bellies through flames just to make them happy. I'm sorry that I can't do it. I am sorry you find me imperfect. I am sorry you don't think I can see through the posturing and lies. I am sorry that I am no one's slave. I think this would affect me less if I didn't dream last night about another of those special cases in my life where people refuse to believe my frank and honest statements of self and continue to try and force me to become something else, something more like what they want. Just so you know, I think I died in that dream because I could not and would not become anything more than me--the me none of you wants to accept. I think that is the only reason I woke up and crawled out of bed to go drive through the dreary rain to a building full of books I will never have time to read and people who will never be able to read me as much as they think they can.

Luckily, I had the opportunity to spend time in a much smaller library. This one was at my church. I was sorting and exploring in the hopes of acquiring the motivation to make it better and more useful. This leads me to many questions such as "what exactly am I in charge of?" A library can cover many facets from printed matter to electronic resources. I will resolve this eventually. In the meantime, I would like to declare the hobbits the official owners of Middle Earth and thank some dear friends (who should not, perhaps, be so dear) for cheering me up. Now, I am off to try and get in touch with dear friends who neither think I am crazy, stupid, or completely understood by them. Then I believe I need shall sneak into my bed before the cats take over.

Forget for a moment that you ever breathed, loved, thought, knew, felt, or heard anything but my voice. Forget for one second that anything exists outside of this. Feel the raindrops pouring down upon you, cooling the flames of your cheeks and washing away those tears that too often cascade from your eyelashes. Forget for a moment that no one else sees you as I do. Forget for a moment that they will think you are mad if you spread your arms wide and twirl just to feel your skirt swishing out from your hips before the water weighs it down. Forget everything you ever knew. Forget that you have obligations. Forget that this world has more in it than just you. Will you waste this moment on the could-have-beens? Will you waste your precious breath screaming to a world that can not hear you for it has no ears? Will you let your own eyes be clouded? Will you fail to see that one pair of arms is always open to welcome you? Will you continue to lament what you can not have when you have already felt the greatest love that man will ever feel? And we think we have loved so deeply when we have not bled from every pore.

I do spend a lot of time apologizing to the the wrong people for the wrong reasons, don't I? So if I stop doing that, I can get a little extra time. And if I stop worrying about the foolishness around me, that is more time. We all know I can use some extra time, so I guess I will have to work on that. Ah, I love dreary Wednesdays, don't you? Sometimes there is just clarity in letting go. I would explain that but it would default my first resolution and we can't have that so early on.

You're a Diamond.
You seem like a cold and an unreachable person outside, yet you are beautiful inside and outside. You may be stubborn at times. You act with grace and elegance and you are a precious asset to all your friends.

What Jewel Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

That was our little quiz break for today. So what did the hobbit do today? Absolutely nothing of interest. I went to work, but nothing exciting. I did get another page added onto my masterpiece though. It's slow going, but perfection can not be rushed. Not much can be rushed with me today. I think that winter makes me want to hibernate, so I took a nap and woke up to go eat more food than I needed to. Food hasn't been making me happy lately, but I don't think I can give it up despite the time it would save me each day. Of course, midnight is slowly approaching and I can't help but find myself still stuck to my keyboard. Nothing is happening, but I just can't go and I have nothing to say, so I leave you with a cheerful thought: Hobbits exist.

Take the blindfold off, see through my eyes
Remove the mask, forsake that disguise
Take the gag from your mouth, words come undone
Draw closer, listen to the sounds from my tongue
Echoing the short distance between lips and ears
Listen for a second, let go of your fears
For they already came true, you already lost me
I was never yours and I never will be
For it is not you who set my world spinning
It is not you who is my end and my beginning
So let it out, tell me how you've come undone
Because you can't hear me, only bask in my sun

So I just signed for a package. It's lunchtime and I have nothing better to do than sit around our empty church building and greet the FedEx guy. Well, at least I have a purpose. I'd sit around the library, but then I don't get the nice adrenaline rush of walking up and down the hill. Besides, I got a free piece of watermelon candy that I am letting cheer me up though the sugar is probably killing my tongue and teeth. I was actually trying to clean up some of my previous entries. Apparently, I am not into 2005 yet, so I am considering making more cheesy stuff for my online store that people can buy if they feel so inclined. Remind me if I haven't done something in a week. I make all these grand plans and then let other people's needs and desires distract me from my own strange goals.

Finally got to talk to one of true loves last night. That did cheer me up a bit, but I also talked to people who disappoint me, so my heart and soul are still feeling smashed today. More's the pity for those who really do care about me. For the rest, they can stop pretending. The farce no longer amuses me. It's gone on too long to do anyone any good at all. It makes me miserable to think people are using time they could spend playing games or mucking stalls pretending to care. It makes them angry that they have to waste that time on the likes of me. And it really doesn't fulfill any moral obligation because lying is immoral. Then again, those people aren't as cruel as me because, despite not really hating anyone, I am straight forward about how I feel. If you choose to ignore that, then that is clearly your problem. Anyway, more for later. Hopefully the shimmering fairy of happiness stabs me with her wand and makes the rest of the day so awesome that I gush into my journal later.

Wandered down to one of branch libraries this afternoon. I believe it is also a branch of Disneyland. We certainly do employ people with varied tastes--from Samwise to Goofy. I will be continuing to sort out the wonderful mathematical concepts that fall under the guise of analytics for a while. I am so excited because I didn't have enough projects to bounce around between. In every part of my world, there is so much to be done and only one me. I run myself ragged and then wonder why I so desperately want to crawl into bed and sleep the night away and most of the day.

I also got to spend some time with some friends. As per usual, I got cool things like a loofah, some lotion, and some candles. I was beginning to wonder how I was going to restock my lotion without spending my own money. We then played Fact or Crap where it became more obvious to me that my brain is not working properly. Seriously, no one has pointed them out to me, but I did find some intriguing errors in my journal. Very sweet of you not to point them out, but, once more, I really think I need some straightforward honesty. And to be honest, I want nothing more than to crawl under my blanket and hide there for a while, but guess what I am doing in the morning, assuming there is one. We could skip right to tomorrow evening. Who knows?

I can not change the past. I can not heal your heart. I can not believe that people allow themselves to feel such pain for so long. I can not believe I have not yet grasped my dreams and pulled the stars into my nets. It feels like a bizarre day. Perhaps, the tension that has sent me screaming lately was just foreshadowing of something to come that even the goddess Bella could not expect or see.

I received an e-mail this morning apologizing for past wrongs. It surprises me, but it doesn't. Yet I had already forgiven him, so I was and am stunned. It's just another in a series of events that made me this woman who is far more than people dare to fathom. Not what made me conceited, but such is life and I know people don't get me by the way they treat me. You can't take me for granted forever. Eventually, you'll have to accept that some parts of me are never going to change, and I am going to write my future, with you if you love me and show it without asking for more than I am ever going to give, or without you if you disappoint me and don't feel I deserve an apology and respect.

So I was too busy last night to post about the rest of my incredibly busy day. After accepting the apology I received, I played with some more of the sexiest fiche in all the world. Of course, they are probably only sexy because of their association with me. Then it was time to bid a fond farewell to P.I. Lee. She has left us for grander and less analytical things. I also got crowned (again). I am now the Queen of Microforms, Queen of Analytics, Queen of the SPU, and Queen of Hearts. That is a lot to take in, but I found ways to celebrate.

First, I took Miss Kewl for a little joyride. We went in search of vanilla shakes and Krispy Kremes (yum). It was a short excursion, but still more fun than other people's trips to the drive through. Why? Because two sexy and kewl chicks were there.

Later, I hopped into the hobbitmobile and drove two hours to see the Mrs., the sister-in-law, the brother-in-law, and other randomly fun, young people who enjoy, punch, and cookies and apparently board games. I was originally told that it was going to be a dance, but most of the people who showed up seemed more interested in the board games. I forced people to dance anyway. I even danced with the ladies. Of course, some of the boys told me that they were intimidated by my angel wings. The veil received much more accolades when I was dancing with it and dancing Dave at the same time. I know how to party after all.

Things wound down completely at about 11:30, so I hopped into my sexy car and headed home. Imagine the joy and excitement of driving the interstate at night, with rain pouring down, and sporadic patches of fog. While you are at it, imagine you get passed by a sexy girl in a sexy car. I really find it amusing when I manage to catch up to and pass people. My car is sexy, but the top speed it registers is 85 if that gives any indication of how far from being a race car it is. I made it home safely and tumbled into bed with the kitties who were happy to see me.

Today has proved less eventful. I have no unexpected and fascinating e-mail to speak of and have spent much of the day trying to clean up random things around the house. With how much I do this, one would think I would have finished by now. I have also been industriously working on my quilt and should be finished with it soon since I basically just need to attach the back and sew it all together. Then I can work on the other quilt I cut out. I am so exciting, aren't I?

Of course, today, we are only welcoming bleeding hearts who are female and madly in love with the world that they despise. We web divas have to be contradictory. It keeps people interested kind of like watching porcupines spoon. Just imagine how much they fight over who gets poked in the underbelly. It's about that painful to be two extremes at once. That's why some days I find myself screaming inside as I try to be respectful of the feelings of people around me even when they do nothing but hurt me, people I love, and each other.

So my day was pretty average. The students are back in town, so I get to watch them wander about aimlessly. Today, my brother was one of those students, so I got to walk him around and show him the town. I am sure some of the less observant thought we were a cute couple without noticing that we are obviously related. I shudder to think. I've had enough such assumptions lately. People need to stop making ridiculous assumptions because they want something to be true.

I also went to have some merry Mormon moments. We had a good showing for the first week of the school year. We were a little under-prepared, but I brought cake which means it was an excellent experience for everyone. We also played some card games. I won the first game of cheat (yay), and I didn't have to cheat too much. You have to play this game with people who can't lie. It's classic. That's about all I have to report, so sweet dreams.

Charlotte Martin's "Every Time It Rains", Clint Black's "Like the Rain", Garbage's "Only Happy When It Rains", Tina Turner's "I Can't Stand the Rain", Madonna's "Rain", and so many songs about the pitter patter of water pouring from the heavens. Just another sign of the upturning of our world, on this January day, rain soaking into the soil. I can watch it all day from my window and never feel I understand the power it has over us. More power than we have over each other despite the many who believe they control someone else and find themselves angry when they realize they have no control at all.

So tired and weary of fighting those people who feel they control me. Tired of the people who try to manipulate me because I am kind, because I try not to hurt people. I can not give you everything you want, nor can you give me the desires of my heart. Why can't you accept that and be satisfied? I must be satisfied when I am told such things, and, perhaps it is conceit, but I do give more than most. Could explain why I am poor--poor in time, poor in money, and poor in motivation.

It's been an incredibly long day and it is only lunchtime. I was shuffling through drawers of fiche trying to pull out the ones I wanted and noting that in the case of these drawers, I could pull all the fiche out, shuffle them and they would still be just as useful to the patrons. The GPO seems to be lacking in a deep desire to remain consistent. I've noted it before and I am sure I will note it again, but there is something seriously wrong with whoever keeps feeling they need to change things like the call number on items that keep coming in and have the same title and subject matter. *rolls eyes*

I have also had a couple of moments where I was seriously considering paying people to shut up or at least talk about a variety of topics and not in a rotation where they repeat themselves twenty times before I can make it stop. I admit that I can go on for hours, but I usually don't do so to people who look about as interested as a straight man in a gay bar. Granted I didn't look petrified beyond all reason, but the fact that my eyes had all but glazed over should have indicated my disinterest. I know that when people get nervous or desperately want someone to respond that they sometimes go a bit overboard, but I'm not as nice as the people I babble at--my brain shuts down and I won't lie about it. Then again, I despise being lied to, so I suppose that I am actually being nice.

I need some amusement. I need some laughter. I need some wild mockery of life. I can't even find the peace of mind to attach a few lines to my masterpiece. I came up with one sentence and then my mind drew a blank on where it was going. Some days I just feel like I have let myself slip through my own hands and the cracks and only this empty shell remains, empty except for a heart that occasionally beats with a memory of the passion it has for life, knowledge, cats, laughter, and so much more that even my most faithful readers have missed because in the grander scheme of things, I tell this journal nothing, and I tell people nothing because I know they don't hear me anyway.

I'm screaming right now. Can you hear it? What am I screaming? Do you think I am asking you to tell me how to live my life? I assure you that is not it, but, as I have said, it doesn't matter and so I return to the things that I know, locked inside myself--a treasure inside the hull of my skin that so few try to open and none try to open in the right way.

So life is full of surprises. I enjoy surprises as much as the next person though I never quite get a real surprise. I expect quite a bit that doesn't make sense. But I am ready for life's curve balls. I'm short. I'm cute. I have bare feet, and I am ready to whack any ball you send over the plate, baby. Batter up and she's got some sexy bare feet for stealing bases and your heart whether she wants to or not.

I snuck into the local grocery store and bought some food. On Sunday, I get to turn it into food. This means that I expect at least twenty people to show up to make the food go away. I have deep faith that this will happen. Otherwise, the people who do show up will have to eat like twenty people. I have seen this happen with as few people as ten, so it may just work.

Then I got the impromptu joy of babysitting three little pirates. Nothing is quite as adorable as one of the pirates realizing, "It's Auntie Belle" and flocking to me. Kids can be so cute and so consistent in their love and esteem. Of course, they went to bed while I was there, so I had some time to read a random book. The book I found was the same one that was amusing me back in October. I seem to have too much going on at once to ever finish anything. The book is from the early 80s and is discussing the psychology of computers and their effects on small children. In honor of that, this entry is brought to you by Bella and Déese.

It always amazes me how no one sees right though into my soul, but they can't feel my eyes only see them. I have felt cruelty, anger, pain beyond mentioning, love, compassion, forgiveness, impatience, and so much more and felt it echoed in my eyes and my whole face and not had anyone notice. It hurts to make such fools of people, but they will believe what they want. I was reading an article about how bad we have become at reading faces. Our society is disintegrating and we are forgetting how to communicate with people. Visited a friend the other night and while they had company over, three members of the family were talking on cell phones at the same time. I spend most of my day talking to people online because when I see them in person, they usually say things like, "Let's do this, you have thirty seconds to decide." or "Oh, you're being silly to even worry about that, let's go do what I want to do." How do you tell people that you like that you can't drop everything at the drop of a hat for them? How do you tell people that, deep down, you don't think you can handle any of this much longer? How can you scream that you just don't care, you have nothing left, you have nothing to ive and get them to understand and quit demanding you feel bad because you are not everything they want you to be (like madly in love with them)?

Of course, with me, dropping everything means that pile of things I have yet to complete gets bigger. I am two and a half sides from finishing the Snoopy quilt, have a quilt for a baby girl in progress, a dress I started three years ago that needs worked on, some random little place-mats I inherited from someone with the same problem, probably fifty half-finished novels, dozens of people I am trying to stay in touch with, activities to keep me busy every night of the week, work every week day, a severe lack of funds, and a dozen other things I can't even process right now. And this is my day off. I managed to go food shopping, help some friends out a tiny bit, lament the hatred my car has for the cold, and work on the Snoopy quilt. My days are too short and somehow, I don't think there is enough of me.

I did get the chance to make about six guys and four girls tell me that they loved me though. You can't resist a game like that. Of course, they now have to deal with me professing my love over and over. Of course, few men can be as loved by me as my cat. He's been enjoying his time with me--chasing me through the house, trying to sleep on my quilt as I try to sew. He is not inordinately helpful, I must confess. Well, not much else to see here. Tomorrow will be another chance for more excitement worth screaming about, so come back again. Rawr!!!

I got the news that another of my friends brought a cute baby boy into the world, so I am sending out a warm welcome to little Luke in Virginia. May his life be blessed with happiness and joy, and may he always recognize how blessed he is.

Some days, I really am like a fairy godmother. I've almost completed the first quilt on my list from yesterday. I did this by rather rudely sewing in Institute class while Brother Waldron talked to us about Acts (which was apparently a letter from Luke to Theopolis). To really get things from Institute though, people sshould probably attend themselves. I find more and more frequently that people never get the same meaning from things that I do. Perhaps, I am just too unique to get it or not blind enough to let lies cloud my eyes. And yet I am still hurt by so many lies and half-truths. I weep to think I may bring such pain to others.

I found another random project to work on at work. I have a student working on the preliminary work on one of the projects I was working on, so I had to find a replacement. No trouble with that, of course. My desk is a receptacle of things other people claim they have no time to do. It is a veritable Bermuda Triangle of library work and love. Things come in and they never come out. *grins evilly* Well, maybe they just sneak into the trash can. *sneaks off in search of the Bermuda Triangle of her room*

I know what you want from me. You want me to love you. You want me to console you. You want me to always be there. You want to see me writhing from your pain. You want me to ache with you, set aside my dreams for you. You want to own me and you don't even know it. You think I have no control over my life. Just because I didn't call you on your obvious lies and sudden changes that make no sense, just because I don't tell you I prayed for an answer, just because you can't feel how my heart aches and bleeds, doesn't mean that it does not exist or has not been. I live, I breathe, I eat, I sleep, I dance, I pray, I weep, I sing, I scream, I die, I return, I am. This is why I am alone even when I need someone here. It's not because I am flawed, per se, it is just because I don't make it so obvious that I need some people as much as they need me. I just expect someone, somewhere to be looking outside of themselves long enough to see me, but so few people are and they are too far away to touch. And that really isn't talking about what any of my readers thinks it is (and I mean any).

To be honest, a journal is more something written to the self than to the outside world. That's why I feel free to toss in my special brand of humor when I want. That is why I am more than willing to repeat the hypothesis that Heinz ketchup is made from real Republicans as postulated at the fireside on Sunday. Some people get way too excited about boycotting products for bizarre reasons. I am sure I could pull out more examples of this such as my refusal to buy anything that tells me in huge letters how few carbs it has. I don't care if it has carbs. I am a hobbit, I just want to eat it.

It has been a good day for pictures. I received pictures of a birthday party for the daughter of a friend I haven't seen in a long time. All these adorable little girls are growing like weeds. I also received some of the first baby pictures of the adorable little boy I mentioned yesterday. His mommy and daddy looked quite proud and with just cause. Speaking of babies, I manages to finish one of my quilts. That takes one thing off of my infinite "to do" list. No worries though, I can still fill my days. Of course, it still appears I need a vacation, but I can't afford one. Feel free to donate to help me out. Sweet dreams.

So some of us are not spending money for more reasons than just a lack of cash today. Not very effective, I fear, but if you want to be heard, sometimes you have to whisper. I don't know how much I want to be heard anymore. I keep being reminded that people don't know nearly as much as they think they do. Today, I reached past quite a few suit jackets (including one I have had since 1993--yes, I was a strange child) to grab the shirt I am wearing. On Sunday, when I wore one of these I got a compliment and the comment that it wasn't "very Bella". If you can imagine, I was speechless.

I also gave a talk at the fireside. I have since been quizzed about where I found the talk. Since I stated in the talk that it kind of occurred to me a long time ago, I thought the question was odd. Apparently, the asker liked the talk so much that they felt I had to have plagiarized it (despite my lack of note cards or typed pages). Sometimes those beautiful things that pour from my tongue really do come from my heart. A teacher in high school put quotes around my words in a paper because they were also too good to be mine. Had she looked at my footnote, she would have realized the book she thought I was quoting was in French. Seems so ironic that I keep finding myself back in my mind, wondering why I ever bother to come out.

I do have some reasons to keep coming out of my hole though. I did get whapped with a paper towel today. You can imagine how much that hurt. Sometimes people get confused and think the staff lounge is a locker room. I fully expect to walk in one day and find a department head giving a rousing speech that ends with "win one for the gipper". This would be most excellent if all the members of the department are decked out in shoulder pads. Remember as you visualize this image that I work in a library with a lot of people who keep pointing out that they have children older than me.

Of course, my workplace was as cold as my house is right now, so that wasn't a perk. Something wrong with feeling as if my fingers are freezing off as I try to type numbers. They're not just any numbers of course, they are my sexy numbers. I type them to impress the microfiche gnomes into submission. They are impressed. In fact, we're all going out to dinner when we thaw out. That should be sometime in the near future, right? Of course, we will then be able to take the hobbitmobile because it will be able to safely move along the not-so-frozen streets. I need to move to a warmer climate. Anyone in a warmer state want to harbor a hobbit, diva, or superhero of smooches?

Anyway, as I have accomplished little aside from getting some knuggs and neopoints, I am off to play with the archaeological finds of my room. I am hoping to discover gold, so I can quit shamelessly begging for money and trying to sell things no one wants despite telling me that they did. Ah, but that is a topic that shall take too long to discuss. So it is my wish that you will go find a nice warm cup of hot cocoa, some cookies, and someone to snuggle (preferably, four-legged and fluffy) and have a pleasant evening.

So my animus, (in Jungian psychology, the masculine part of a woman's personal unconscious), was excited last night to hear that one of my godson's has taken an interest in baseball. I don't know what it is about that sport that draws me. I rather like playing despite the fact that in the twenty or so games I have probably played during the course of my life, I have not attained the best stats. The last couple of games I played, the boys let me be full-time catcher though. I guess they didn't want me to hurt myself trying to catch the brutal tennis ball.

It's ironic that I suddenly have baseball on my mind since it is rather cold outside. The cold wouldn't be so bad if snow hadn't actually accumulated on the ground. The wind keeps blowing it up against the trailer, coating the stairs and the footsteps on the sidewalk. Worse still, the hobbitmobile is stuck at my church until their is a significant rise in the temperature. It has to be so lonely without me. I did sit in it for half an hour today, trying to coax it to life. I failed. I feel so ashamed. Then again, a real hobbit would just trounce through the snow in her bare feet with an apple in one hand and a whole cake in the other. I must work on that.

May your dreams be sweet and you never realize what just walked through that door. May you never see that you let go of something that you never even had a hold on. Seems like we are so quick to push things away because we don't understand people or even try. Nothing is worth the effort. It is so easy to slide down the slopes and hit the bottom because we aren't willing to fight for the top. And this is where I sit, wedged in the middle, floundering upward and then sliding back. I never slip as far as I have and yet I don't find myself any less to blame. The cold makes me morose, empty arms make me curious, and caring makes me bleed again and again even when they people who feel I must bleed for them aren't even as close as they think they are. Without anyone noticing, I've already gone, and do they miss me? No.

As I battle my demons and stand alone,
Wishing they knew that I was the one
Who loved without limits and showed my eyes
Burned by their hatred, unfooled by the guise
That they were the saint I needed to save
But only one existed, and He already gave
His life and His blood, outdid all expectations
So for love of Him I can not give to imitations
Accolades or fame or the right to claim my soul
And yet I still wish their love could make me whole
So give me my sword, let me go into battle
Let me vanquish my demons, shimmering metal
Perhaps can defeat them, heal the wounds of my heart
Before I am shattered, let pain tear me apart

I took a little quiz today and this is the song it told me is most me. Somehow it all seems so fitting right down to the sword. Seems like I have spent most of the day defending myself. I am getting really tired of doing this. It is so ironic is so many ways, but I have no desire to discuss it. Not really in the mood to discuss much. Microfiche are boring. I spend too much time playing games online, and I pull fabric squares out of my bag at the drop of a hat.

Speaking of, my adopted brother for Monday Mormon Moments, Dan O (not A), was very excited by my little squares of fabric. He's apparently impressed by weird hobbit techniques, as is his lady. Amy did an excellent job this evening. From the lesson on things working out for the best, to her version of Who's Line Is It Anyway? to spending half an hour conquering really hard ice cream. Certainly was the high point of my day. Ah, but once more, I don't have much else to say, so I send you all off with this knowledge. And if I am, it is with someone who has yet to confess his love to me, so that rules out those of you who have said, "I love you" to me and thought I was dumb enough to think you were joking. I am not a fool, I am just trying really hard to hold it together long enough to crumble alone with no other walls to bring down with mine. Sweet dreams.

The new year brings with it the deep desire for our own metamorphosis. It goes along so well with my butterfly analogy that I seem rather trapped in. I feel like such a wretched little creature sometimes, a fuzzy little worm creeping along the trees and realizing that the cold has come and caught me unawares. Thus I spin a cocoon around myself and wait for spring when I can emerge to a new life with beautiful wings on which to fly. Of course, if the cocoon is disturbed too much, the butterfly inside just might die, but who really cares.

I live for random meetings. My boss wandered through half an hour before we were randomly having one to let us know it was in our future. It was another exciting meeting full of rumors of upheaval and hobbits impatiently desiring a pile of microfiche to smack into submission. Somehow, I always enjoy making part of my work go away. It is probably because I know these meetings whisper of me getting more random projects to occupy my time.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. I am still waiting for a student to complete a project so I can continue one of mine. I am hoping this happens soon or it warms up, so I can resume my jaunts from building to building with barcodes and a lot of love for inanimate objects. Inanimate objects have a lot of great qualities, including not proving me right when I really wish I were wrong and not blaming me because I didn't whore myself out to them. I am no one's whore and no one's fool, so the martyrs can stop trying to save my soul or blaming me for the holes in theirs.

I really need to go to bed. At some point, a tremendous headache accosted me. I think it may be a result of trying to smile while a million things were assaulting me that the average person remains unaware of (not because they're stupid or inattentive, but because they just don't care.) So I think I am going to bed despite all these sexy cars on my television right now. Anyone want to buy me a shiny new car?

I am often struck by those amazing coincidences that keep happening in my life. I resolve to forgive someone simply because I can despite the fact that what they did to me no longer matters, and they e-mail to ask me to forgive them. I think I could use a couple of extra dollars to help pay my tremendous amount of bills, and a couple of people ask me for small favors, probably more because they know I could use the money than because they really need help. Yet here we are, trapped on a planet where so many people are angry because they didn't get what they wanted. I admit that some days I am a little sad that I have my particular hobbitmobile. I have seen smaller, cuter cars that are shorter than me and must therefore be designed for hobbits. I don't need them, but I can't say I would mind snuggling up to one. Of course, as you can imagine, these cars have two seats and a laughable excuse for trunk space, so they are not what I need.

I got to spend some time with my brother today. Somehow he does not have my deep addiction to the wonderful web that I am caught in. Not everyone adores their keyboard as much as I do. Some days I think I am permanently stuck to my lovely keyboard. Luckily, I love my keyboard and when I am not sewing, cuddling my cat, or sleeping, I squeeze in everyone else I possibly can. It's all very wearying, but perhaps if I overload my heart, the pain in my head, body, and soul will find some release. In the meantime, I have some recipes to inspect. From there, I conquer my world.

Ever feel like someone has broke into your home and taken over? Not a good feeling, even in dreams. I dreamed my mother did that last night. Of course, my mother isn't quite the type to come into my home and make me uncomfortable. So if dreams mean something, what does it mean? I know. I know all too well. Aravan would be the one who knows how valid my dreams are in telling me things I refuse to accept. The again, Aravan, of all people, had far too long with the web diva to remain oblivious to the many ways that I am not normal, aside from the incredible ability I have to care too much and give more than any one ever gives me credit for.

So I spent the evening at home with the cats. I didn't feel like fighting the nasty weather and my grouchy car. I also didn't feel like bringing down my friends since I am in an off mood. Instead, I worked on another chapter of my background for my character which seems to be greatly appreciated by the other members of the forum. I also stared at the piles of fabric that are trying to become another quilt. From there, I am not sure where I will move on to something equally as exciting. What that is, only time will tell, and this is not the day I want to discuss it for reasons only I know.

So I woke up this morning to discover that my darling cats do not appreciate me receiving phone calls. Apparently, they decided to knock the phone in the living room off the hook when I received a phone call last night. That phone call was an unnecessary, anyway, as are most phone calls I receive at that hour. However, it did keep me from receiving any other phone calls.

So I didn't make it to church today. I have spent most of the day feeling lost. Somehow three hours is hard to fill on the day of rest. So I would say I have accomplished little besides moping and eating brownies. I made the brownies for a pot luck, but since the hobbitmobile is afraid of the cold, I obviously didn't make it there either. I am seriously taking all donations toward a new car, so feel free to click that donation link on my wishlist. Of course, I can't imagine a car sexier than the hobbitmobile, but I am sure there is one out there.

Anyway, short of random tirades on people who will never appreciate me, not to mention I understand me, I have little else to say. I have received great praise for the background I have been writing. I've had two people ask if I actually have a book for sale. *gasps* I can die happy once I get that weekend job as a clown. Well, as far as my fifth grade goals go. My eighth grade goals have yet to be met, however. That's another story. I like to keep some things to myself until they are accomplished, like finishing a half gallon of ice cream by myself. My average take on that is that I have never done so. I love ice cream, but I seem to be able to resist it when I'm at home. Who knew? Anyway, sweet dreams and happy cow tipping.

Some days it seems like I put myself in the position to bleed. I tend to care too much and be helpless to express that I do. Then I feel terrible because I failed my friends, even if they are not someone I personally know. How do you make someone see the light that you see shining right in front of them when they want to stay in the dark? I butt my head up against that one again and again and find myself trapped once more in the wave of emotions that washes this world with such pain. Anyway, enough of that. People just worry me from time to time.

Not much new in my world today and my cat is taking over my lap, so I will let him win. Try not to step on any poo out there in the wide world of sports.