I never imagined I might need someone just like you
Or that you might care, might need me too
But now it strikes me and I can't break free
Of this need to find out, to ask you, to see
If there is something hidden behind your smile
That could end this farce, take away all my denial
That I could need someone exactly like the man I see
When I look at you, and you smile back at me

Feeling not quite myself continues. I haven't been sleeping well which probably contributes to the problem. In fact, that is the problem. Hobbits aren't very hobbitish if they don't get restful sleep.

Despite that, I managed to make it to a rather eventful bridal shower. Despite my best attempts to embarrass the bride, she still loves me. It is a special ability that I have. Another ability I have is to always be too tired to finish...

And I found out today what is wrong with me. I already knew it, but it was confirmed yet again. I don't belong here. Seriously, I know you can see it. The problem is that I am also not leaving. So for the millionth time, I remind you not to try to fix my problems. You make them worse. Don't try to be the expert on me. From what I have noted, that also tends to give people the wrong impression of me. Divas are meant to be alone--alone with our cats because humans don't have the time to truly care about each other anymore, now do we?

No matter where the future leads, there is the potential within all of us to put our lives into perspective and strive to make the greatest impact we can possibly make--through gestures of love. ~Mindy May

Nowadays, we think of a philanthropist as someone who donates big sums of money, yet the word is derived from two Greek words, philos (loving) and anthropos (man): loving man. All of us are capable of being philanthropists. We can give of ourselves. ~Author unknown

I wish people would bother to pay attention not only to what I am actually saying, but to what they are actually saying as well. I like how they say one thing, and then do the opposite. All you angels need to get over it, and realize you're as much a demon as sexy little me. I can't help what you think when you look at me. It is rare I encourage the thoughts people have by the way I dress or speak, so I will not be held accountable. As always, I also won't be held accountable for people who refuse to do as I ask and keep their noses, mouths, and grubby fingers out of my life. I really do know what I am talking about and you aren't helping unless what you are wanting to help along is never seeing me again or hearing me speak.

Anyway, the day culminated with a half-asleep me, contentedly scrubbing down tables. Our illustrious friend Moose treated us all to some Thai food. Nothing will wake you up like spicy food. Of course, the wakefulness lasts only so long. And the tables are always begging to be washed. The floor was also begging to be vacuumed but I wasn't sure when my ship was sailing, so I failed to do floor duty. Seems like time to sneak into bed and catch the sheep that got away...

"I wish to testify that, by the power and gift of the Holy Ghost, we can know what to do and what not to do to bring happiness and peace to our lives." ~James E. Faust (Ensign, May 1989, p. 31.)

...while I sleep, I wake up with an annoying headache. I think my body is secretly an athlete and never told my brain. Some day I may take up running. Of course, I now posit the theory that such a pastime should not be taken near major highway unless I want to annoy insurance companies and support mass genocide. If you have no idea what I am talking about, I refer you back to the Halloween entry.

Today has not been full of interesting events. In fact, I don't remember any events. I did get some of the books on my desk to go away, but I aspire to replace them with more books. I know. I have lofty goals. I then spent some quality time with some fiche. The fiche still adore me, so don't worry. They have yet to threaten violence. Ah, it's wonderful to allow myself to think for a moment that my life is dull, and I'm in a rut, but people keep asking me to be their roomie...

I did, however, read an article that was precisely my cup of cocoa (Mormon turn of a phrase for you) today. It was discussing the appropriate ways to rescue sheep in trouble. The whole concept is perfect for me. It's like cow-tipping and turtle charity all rolled into one. Apparently, if a sheep's wool gets too laden down with water, they can fall over on their backs and end up stuck like that. That could do a lot of harm to a sheep's ego, so should you encounter one, please roll it back onto its feet. The interesting tidbit added to this article was that you should hold onto the sheep for a few minutes while its organs and brain can sink back into place. Ah, sheep, they're so delicate and easy to lead. Call me Bo Peep...

"Knowing that we should love is not enough. But when knowledge is applied through service, love can secure for us the blessings of heaven." ~David B. Haight (Ensign, November 1982, p. 11.)

"Surely the Lord loves, more than anything else, an unwavering determination to obey his counsel." ~Howard W. Hunter (Ensign, November 1982, p. 58.)

It is really starting to feel like the holidays to me. Why? Because I got to take a peek at some of the upcoming models of cars. Granted, I had to look at SUVs and I find them generally repulsive if not scarring, but I also got to see Mustangs, Porches, and Ferraris, oh my. Thus far the 2007 Ferrari is the most attention worthy car. I have also voted it my favorite flavor, but something tells me I won't find one to lick. Ah, it is such a relief when the objects of my...um...predeliction are not within sight. Anyone who has experienced those not-so-subtle pauses when a sexy Eclipse comes into view knows what I am talking about.

I also discovered a great last name for me: Bellafaire. Do you have this last name? Are you single? Would you like to marry a diva? If the answer to all of these questions is "yes", please e-mail me. Thanks.

"The foundation of a noble character is integrity." ~David O. McKay (CR, April 1964, p. 6.)

People throughout the country take pause from time to time to remember the horrors that have been. We forget that we live horrors every day because we know we have seen greater horrors. How do we come to have such comfort from that? How can we allow ourselves to forget long enough to put ourselves back in the position where we will be hurt? I wonder if even I have too much faith in the possibility of redemption and change to make the right decision. Decisions about what? I'd tell you, but last time I told a friend something, they tried to share it with everyone when they didn't grasp it themselves.

I could be referring to piles of fiche awaiting my attention in their drawers. They linger in darkness awaiting that one person who cares enough to sort them out. I do sort. I really do look like I am trying to play a card game with them. Of course the people around me are probably tired of the words "mica", "individual", "aggregate", and "ref" by now. They assure me that they don't hear my lengthly dissertations to the fiche, but it is possible they are just being polite.

I could be referring to my ongoing decisions to tell people at branch libraries to "bring it on". I love random packages coming in the mail. Of course, I got a hefty-looking box today that almost had me regretting that one. Lifting the box proved that it was not fully-loaded (which you only want from a car and not a bulky box). Ah, I have many blissful days of fabulous forestry books ahead of me. I was questioning why no one got around to them yet until I had flashbacks to other dusty forestry books. But that was ages ago when I was young and foolish and didn't realize that printing that many books about trees validated their existence.

The question on my mind though is more a matter of trust. I know people can trust me, so I assume I can trust them. I get challenged every now and again. How much can I trust the people around me? I can not be sure. What if I trust the wrong person? What if I don't trust the right one? It is always a point of optimism to assume people will not take advantage of me. I take advantage of my cat's pillow-like appearance whenever I can. Why wouldn't I expect people to take advantage of my friendship? We'll see. In the meantime, we'll have to see the snow.

On my return from lunch today, the world outside me was as aflutter as my head. I believe the snowflakes were actually whirling much more than the thoughts in my head. My thoughts could never flutter like this. In the short distance from the church to the library, I began to feel like a snow-diva--a blind snow-diva. I couldn't see much of anything with my eyes open and the snow was trying to get me to close my eyes anyway. Of course, after I got inside and dripped melted snow all over the place, I looked out to see that it had calmed down. My paranoia tells me that I live in a snow-globe and some giant shook it up because they saw me walking.

Anyway, I have other windows to ponder. I have cats to yell at. I have a world to conquer--one verb at a time. Let's go conjugate...Who knew I could make American sound so dirty?

"A five-word sentence that could change the world tomorrow is 'What would love do now?'" ~Neale Donald Walsch

"When you love someone all your saved-up wishes start coming out." ~Elizabeth Bowen (1899-1973)

"More things are wrought by prayer
Than this world dreams of. Wherefore, let thy voice
Rise like a fountain for me night and day.
For what are men better than sheep or goats
That nourish a blind life within the brain,
If, knowing God, they lift not hands of prayer
Both for themselves and those who call them friend?"
~Alfred, Lord Tennyson "The Passing of Arthur"

"God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs." ~Spencer W. Kimball (Ensign, December 1974, p. 5.)

"If we are to walk in the steps of the Savior, we cannot do it without personal sacrifice and sincere involvement. It is rarely convenient; but love extends beyond convenience for those who have conditioned themselves to look for opportunities to serve." ~J. Richard Clarke (Ensign, November 1981, p. 82.)

So today has been full of all sorts of scandalous excitement. The scandal began when I woke up to the sound of my sinuses draining. I have never awakened to that before. In fact, I don't think my sinuses have ever talked to me before. With my random dose of headache, I decided to stay home.

Later in the day, I had an opportunity that no self-respecting hobbit would pass up. Another hobbit and I went to the mall for some light shopping. I got carded for my Muppet movie (because you know anyone buying a movie with puppets is likely to be using a stolen credit card). Then we made a little trip to Victoria's Secret. We picked up a gift for a third party. Nothing like my life to make you feel yours lacks oomph.

The evening culminated with the annual White Elephant Gift Exchange. The candy and fruit were big takers, but I found the gift I couldn't resist. I got nine tiny little men. They come with swords. They come with excitement. They are representative of some of the sexiest hobbits and men in Middle Earth. Finally, my dreams are realized. Time to go play with my toys like a...

"It was meant to be that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal." ~Boyd K. Packer (Ensign, May 1978, p. 93.)

I should always start these entries with the highlights, so you can see all the glorious happiness of my world before I get down to my headache. The day started with some oatmeal. This is not unusual, but I made it perfectly (for my tastes) this morning. It was looking to be a good day. Then I stepped outside and my nose didn't freeze and fall off. It has been doing that a lot lately and nose replacement is very costly.

I had work when I got there. This is always a plus. It gives me reassurance that I have a purpose in this world. (Well, I do have that whole looking beautiful thing, but I try to keep that between me, my mirror, and midnight delusions.) Work was not too exciting though. Someone won pecans, but we don't know who it was yet. The tension mounts.

Then it was home to stare into the radiator of the world's sexiest car. With some help from a Samaryota, I managed to get the hobbitmobile moving and took it to the auto-parts store to have it's battery charged or replaced. The guy gave me a lecture on my alternator. I was less than amused. After his twenty minute lecture, he agreed with my diagnosis that I just needed to charge my battery. Imagine that...

Then I traveled to my other home, the church, to hang out with the singles. Mommy and Daddy were there to greet us. They even helped us acquire some pizza. That was the good part of the evening. Then a movie was popped in. I love movies. I love my friends. I do not like watching movies so much with my friends though. Five people promptly started playing pool, others divided into little groups and started chatting, and a couple plopped down directly in front of the television and started talking over it, loudly, about the show. This would be why I like to watch television in the privacy of my own home--that and the quilt, which I may have to fight Rodney for if I want to play with it. So can anyone guess why I have a bit of a headache?

"Faith in God develops a personal love for Him which is reciprocated through his blessings to us in times of need." ~Rex D. Pinegar (Ensign, November 1982, p. 26.)

"Each of us has more opportunities to do good and be good than we ever use." ~Spencer W. Kimball (Ensign, August 1979, p. 7.)

Someone out there has to care about the rants and ravings of the gypsy moth. She tries and tries to pass herself off as a butterfly, but always falls short, flying from thought to thought without lingering long enough to make an impact on anyone but the trees who foliage she devours and them spits back out at her whim. Maybe I have spent too much time looking at forestry books today. What can I say? I pick up something new every day.

"Time is one of our most valuable possessions. Use it wisely. Remind yourselves often that things that matter most should not be left to the mercy of things that matter the least." ~J. Richard Clarke (Ensign, May 1982, p. 78.)

Maybe it was the knowledge that we were going to a festive holiday buffet in the afternoon that made me aware of it. Maybe it was the faint hint of Christmas carols drifting in from another cubicle that opened my senses. It may have even been the prevalence of red apparel that seemed to surround me that made my mind take such a turn. I was sitting at my desk, happily typing, stuffing, scribbling, and flipping pages when I realized how very much our work could be compared to that in Santa's workshop.

We work industriously to get things out on time. Oddly, we even seem to get an influx of materials around the two Christmas times (December and July). We enjoy our candy, and we love to share it (as well as cookies, and donuts, and cakes). The sounds of pages turning sounds quite a bit like wrapping. We even send out boxes full of treasures to other library branches (though they sometimes complain about the amount). All we need to do it convince our boss to start riding a sleigh and sneaking down chimneys. Do you think a Santa with blond hair who happens to be over six feet tall will be believable? [Don't worry, Bald Santa, one of my mommies and I only believe in you ;)]

Faith is to believe what you do not yet see; the reward for this faith is to see what you believe. ~Saint Augustine (354-430)

Only the person who has faith in himself is able to be faithful to others. ~Erich Fromm (1900-1980)

He who is carried on another's back does not appreciate how far off the town is. ~African Proverb

There are no shortcuts to any place worth going. ~Beverly Sills

What you dislike for yourself do not like for me. ~Spanish Proverb

The essence of immortality is the tendency to make an exception of myself. ~Jane Addams

Aside from discovering that some of my family has joined the witness protection program, the holiday season is turning out pretty well. I can't seem to contact either of my aunts and my cousin doesn't answer her phone. My uncle, however, appears to be a "Charmed" fan which doesn't really surprise me, but I would have never expected it to come up in conversation. It probably wouldn't have if I hadn't called while it was on and found myself thinking, "Whatever he is watching sounds sooo familiar." I'd say that television obsessions is inherited, but I have yet to catch the "Law and Order" craze that is going around. I leave that to other, more law-inspired, hobbits to view.

So the omni-angry hobbitmobile and I have begun reconciliations. I jumped her battery and she purred like a kitten. You thought that Hathor only had that effect on libidinous men, perhaps? I also have this effect on disgruntled cars and four-legged hobbit worshipers. Somewhere inside me, I may just love that car a little. Of course, my love runs too deep and should be massacred.

So I have found that my friends aren't the type to get so drunk that you can mock them easily. They, in fact, prefer to get cake-faced. Some of the wilder girls decided to attack each other with icing. Apparently, inhaling icing is kind of painful. I managed to avoid the all out sugar war and even risked the possibility of repercussions by hiding some of the ammo at my feet. This was while I was playing the game of Uno that would not end. It did end when we shuffled to add more people to the Uno circle of power. We had to let them in. If we didn't, they would have went into the other room and learned to be mean girls. (And we can't have the boys being mean girls.)

At one point, I was actually learning to become a mean girl. I wasn't too impressed. I decided the movie was a cheap knock-off of "Heathers" with much cruder language. The difference a decade or so can make, eh? Needless to say, I was easily lured away by people singing 80s music and a game of Disney clue. Most of my time was spent going, "Umm...which ghost is that?" Needless to say, I was not the winner (or the character who got her pants scared off--of course, I was Minnie who doesn't wear pants anyway...)

Today was less eventful in the workshop. I am still slogging my through cards, presents, and the candy that may never come to fruition. It is too humid in my house, so it isn't drying right. I may still be waiting into the new year. That would be a new way to bring in the new year, in fact. Maybe someday I will invest in a de-humidifier. Right now, I am continuing to invest in being debt free. I have goals. Many goals. I thought I would share that info. I will address it no further because, well, I need to go put on my sleep face.

forgetting their birthday...remembering their birthday...buying them an expensive gift...not buying them an expensive gift...dating a guy...not dating a guy...living alone...living with someone...noticing they are crying...not noticing they are crying...drinking...not drinking...being afraid...not being afraid...moving...staying...hoping too much...not hoping...living...dying...being a Mormon...not being a Mormon...being myself...not being myself...loving...hating...believing the truth...not believing the truth...

Sadly, in the end, it all comes down to two things. One is what I think and feel in the moment. The second is what I know Heavenly Father would approve of. The trick is to finally be able to turn on those I love and say, "You know what? I don't belong to you. You really don't influence me as you think you do. Oh, and, just so you know, most of them time when you are counseling me to do what is best for me, you are really just telling me to do what is best for you." It's sad that we are like this. It is sad that we are so selfish, even in this season of giving that we refuse to accept that sometimes people don't do what we want them to because they love us and it hurts too much.

I just wish other people would be a little less concerned about what their friends or the "popular" people tell them to do. Seriously, why do we want the advice of carbon copies? And how many of us really end up happy when we take advice that goes against all the logic, instinct, and desire that drives us to truly be better people?

"A fool judges people by the presents they give him." ~Chinese Proverb

"We must be purposely kind and generous or we miss the best part of life's existence." ~Horace Mann (1769-1859)

"Don't expect to enjoy the cream of life if you keep your milk of human kindness all bottled up." ~Author unknown

"Certainly what we are is more important than what we have or what is said of us" ~Marvin J. Ashton (Ensign, May 1979, p. 68.)

First, I have to let the men of the world know that Miss Kewl is off the market. (Congrats, darling.) She is still Kewl, but now a Mr. Kewl exists. Sadly, that doesn't mean he is actually kewl. *wink* Very few men pass my kewlness test. Maybe they just have too high of a standard to live up, too.

The real point of my dialog, however, is that life as Santa's elf is not as easy as it seems. I just got away from a couple of hours of candy making. My house is once more a haven of chocolate concoctions that may result in my demise. Well, that and my worship because I hear that my candy and my sugar cookies are addictive. I certainly hope so...

I also got more fabulous presents today. My co-workers may never recover from watching me play with Christmas ornaments again. Though I think it was my commentary on the comfy penguin and snowmen sleepwear that may have scared them most. I love secret Santa parties. You never know what you're going to get or if someone is going to respond to what you buy them with my favorite thought of the day, "You could have just given me the bag and I'd have been happy." Now that is definitely someone I would shop for again. We'll see if I draw as well next year!

The day began in the ordinary way--deep feelings of annoyance with OIT. The computers were still down. I even saw some authoritative envy as I played solitaire with my fiche. Not every one can find a way to get down when the system is down. It is a wonderful world we live in. We can lose ourselves on the net for hours on end. We can use our "important concerns" as an excuse to overlook what is right in front of our faces. Or we can all take a day trip to look at a construction site.

My department decided to go for a quick tour of one of our new branch libraries. This way we have an idea of where all those medical books and dental tomes finally reside. Reassuringly, I don't believe any vampires will be lurking about in the daytime. The main section is like a giant sun-room. I am not sure that will be good for the books or anyone with my allergy to sunlight, but to each his own.

Then for entertainment, I decided to call my brother. As I am the Goddess of Love, it may surprise you to find that my brother is the God of Potty Mouth. Apparently, that problem does not exhibit itself when he is sick. He does have other words in his vocabulary. Maybe this was the birthday where he finally outgrew bad habits. Always a plus to find out about these things.

"When we live outside ourselves and attempt to share the gospel, we invite the presence of a beautiful spirit--a spirit which accompanies fervent testimony, scripture reading, and a genuine concern for the souls of men." ~Carlos E. Asay

"I would rather walk barefoot all the way to the Celestial Kingdom than to let the things of this world keep me out of that kingdom." ~N. Eldon Tanner

I have never been a big fan of being sick. It may be related to the fact that i turn into a miserable whiner, but I fear it is because I find it hard to accomplish a lot when my tummy is rumbly. I'll be going along just fine and it will flare up again, leaving me wishing I had stayed in bed. But I am me, and as much as I love sleep, I also love keeping busy. I also don't really like my bed too much and my clutter is starting to get to me again. I know. I've been complaining about it for a while now, but I have to move in my own peculiar and meticulous way.

If I don't sneak up on the clutter, it gets away. Then it all comes back while I am sleeping. A dirty sock jumps into my mouth, while garish fabric ties me up. Then creepy, rusty coat hangers flog me mercilessly. I barely escaped last time. Ziggy had to save me. Hmmm, I wonder if this is delirium or a lack of desire to speak what is on my mind...

Do people think I am crazy for praying? So many seem to look at it as an everyday letter to Santa. They lay out their demands. They make them clear. Some have been known to push others anyway they please because they believe the answer to their prayers is in coercion. I don't quite feel that way.

I wish sometimes that I could push people into feeling and believing as I do. I wish I could make them see what they destroy with selfishness and spite. I wish this holiday didn't remind me so much of all the evils we do to each other. Too many people ache and weep. Too many people feel alone. Too many people feel their year is not complete because they have no presents under the tree, no tree, no one to snuggle by the fire with. I wish my prayers could heal it all, but prayers alone don't have that power. So I will pray for reason. I will pray that this season of miracles will heal more hearts than my own. Can you take a moment to pray for my ladies, in their varied circumstances, that their lives will take a turn toward peace...

We have all felt that peace. It has comforted us as children when we let ourselves be held in invisible arms. It has brought us joy when we blindly believed that just over that other hill was home. It has made us smile when we realized, all by ourselves, that Christmas is not those gaudy decorations, the elaborate holiday programs, the price of the gift, or even how many sugar cookies we ate. It is a time to remember that we are part of the best family--an eternal family. Our elder brother was born in a stable. He grew up working with his hands, first to create with wood and then to heal the sick and afflicted. And when it was all said and done, He suffered and died for us. But He was born, and He was born again. So when you look out at the snow, the rain, the sun, or whatever you awake to on Christmas morning, be thankful for it. Be thankful for those people who love you. Be thankful that you have the chance to learn and grow from whatever comes your way. And if your presents fall short of your expectations, remember that we already got the greatest gift of all.

Babelfish say, "Vispera De Navidad".

No matter how many days I take off, it seems I never quite find that moment to just relax. If I am not working on something, my brain is, hammering out worry like no one's business. And, of course, we all have those holiday expectations. Even with the rain pouring down instead of the snow, we are expected to make our visits. I have to make these visits at a warmer time of year *nods to self*.

It may just be a matter of location in the world, but everyone I get a chance to visit either lives on a steep hill or in the valley at the base of one. I suppose I should add to your envy by listing some more of the fabulous gifts I got. As always, I got a bath set so I can continue to smell pretty. I got a clock for punctuality, a book to guide me, a candle to give me light, a carousel horse, a sweater to keep me warm, and to hold a wee lass who has some of the same genes as me. We'll see if she too is an aspiring web diva.

And today? I got to clean around the house, take out the trash, and now it is time for me to focus on another of my projects. I know. I must stop being so exciting ;.

Anger is a bad counselor. ~French Proverb

Anger is a wind which blows out the lamp of the mind. ~Robert G. Ingersoll

When we turn to one another for counsel we reduce the number of our enemies. ~Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)

Somewhere out there is a unique place for you to help others--a unique life role for you to fill that only you can fill. ~Thomas Kinkade

Love is like a baby; it needs to be treated tenderly. ~African Proverb

The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved. ~Victor Hugo

In preparation for the new year, I am back to cleaning up some unfinished business. I don't expect to finish my microfiche, so please don't hold your breath. However, I have posted all of my most recent antics for those interested parties who lost them with a crashing forum. I guess they'll have to look at said forums for the address or ask me. Asking me is the only way to find out anything after all.

Not much else has been accomplished this evening, but the night is still young. If anything interesting happens, I am sure I will tell someone.

Have fun! Misery is optional. ~Jean Westcott

Blessed are the joymakers. ~Nathaniel Parker Willis (1806-1867)

In this world full of pre-packaged game systems and instant food, even those who partake so readily of them have forgotten some simple truths. The cereal does not come with the milk already added. In fact, you have to add milk, water, "fat", and sometimes some seasoning to most of those boxed meals that we love for their ease. Lately, my ire has been sparked more than once by people assuming I come as part of some package. "If I am friends with X, Bella comes with." "Oh, Bella, come on over, but don't forget Y." I am a solitary creature. If you want me to come over, ask me, don't ask V if it is okay. Trust me, V has no idea. V has most-likely told me three things I am not as definitions of me this year (if they even bothered to talk to me before committing me to something so I could be yelled at later).

Maybe it is the drawing close of the year that makes me reflect on these things. Maybe it is the sudden wealth of people telling me all sorts of interesting "truths" about me. It could even be the receipt of cards addressed to me and other people, or invitations that insist I bring a particular person with me. More likely, it is my pseudo-friends. Ever have those people who assume you are friends though you really don't have much in common? Ever have them try to talk to you about jokes that make no sense out of context, and even less coming from them? Ever have them assume you owe them attention, a gift, or even reverence?

Anyway, I think it all stems from the great happiness of seeing one of my true friends. We don't see each other often, but she still gets me. She still has a clue where I am coming from. In fact, she genuinely likes me for me and not because I make her feel good about herself. She doesn't assume I envy her (though I could, she's gorgeous, sweet, funny...) She doesn't assume that I am too stupid to know what I want. She also buys me lunch whenever we get together and never expects me to pay her back in penance, blood, or time.

It is easier to love a fictional character than a real person, so why not let it out, eh? Murdock's philosophies on life can make even the grumpiest hobbit smile while she lounges on her couch with a bag of homemade goodies, two cats, a laptop, and maybe a fuzzy blanket if she can score one. Some of these philosophies, as perceived by me are:

Don't go crazy once. Go crazy again and again.

It's okay to be yourself, but it's more fun to be someone else.

Your invisible friends will only help you get closer to your real ones.

(For those even more out of the loop than normal, H. M. "Howling Mad" Murdock is a member of the A-Team.)

"Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true." ~Cardinal Leo Jozef Suenens (1904-1996)

"There is nothing like a dream to create the future." ~Victor Hugo (1802-1885)

See the glass darkening as midnight draws nigh
Look inside, peer beyond, see the heart, the eye
Behind which is a mystery that none will tell
Whose old loves dies, when gauzy veils fell
From her shoulders and from her eyes
And she must be free of the vain disguise
That others see when they think they behold
The woman of wonder, whose story untold
Can not be told on any page of paper or net
So much has been said not understood yet

Only a few hours until a new year begins. Suddenly, we are looking back and trying to see if the good of the old year outweighed the good. Briefly, let me recap in a way only Nostradamus and I could understand:

GOOD:

1. "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth"
2. Inspiration "to walk"
3. Finding my heart again
4. Hathor
5. Resurrection spells for the Omni
6. One rung further from de-mire
7. 45 additions!!!
8. Almost knighted
9. Satisfying lunches with wonderful friends
10. E-mail from my real wives (sorry, there really are just two--Boston and the Mrs.)
11. Making headway with the fiche--imperceptible except to the trained eye

BAD

1. Vicoden pushers
2. Accusations from perpetrators
3. Another twisted triangle
4. Waiting for something besides a post card
5. Still being able to love
6. People thinking they own me
7. Getting yelled at for breaking commitments I didn't make
8. Random phone calls about feet

Okay, that's getting dull. I'll review my resolutions and see how I fared instead:

RESOLUTIONS FOR 2006

1. Spend less of my time explaining things that don't need explanation.
2. Budget my time better, so I can...
3. Finish more of those unfinished projects that are piling up in my closet.
4. Pick a masterpiece and finish it (so my love letter won't be lonely on my shelf).
5. Take better care of me and encourage other people to do the same.
6. Spend less of my time worrying about whether I am hurting other people (since they rarely care enough to be hurt anyway).
7. Clean up my life (one pile of fabric at a time).
8. Improve my mad web skills and revamp this website.
9. Spend less time playing games (on the net and with fools).
10. Be more willing to stand up for me and what I believe in.

1. Oh, I failed. I begin to think it isn't worth any effort at all. I should keep that in mind for next year.
2. I did pretty good with this. I also got some flack about it because it meant I didn't have time to do exactly what everyone else thought I should do...
3. I did great with this one. This only inspired me to find more projects, so guess what might be on my next list.
4. I was so close...if only I had kept 6....
5. Well, I have been doing a little better, but no one takes my encouragement which led to some failure of 6...
6. YOU ALL KNOW I FAILED or you're retarded...
7. I did pretty well with this one, but ran into the same problem as 3...
8. Okay, you can see that I failed...I blame 3, 6, and 7.
9. I actually did pretty well with my net games. The fools still keep playing games...
10. Well, I am getting better at standing up for what I believe in, but I have recently proved that I find it hard to stand up for me...yeah, I think I'll worry about that in 2007.

I shall go play some sort of kitty games to bring in the new year right. How else can I keep my great cat house designation????