"Have you ever thought it's you that's boring. Who the hell are you?" ~Liz Phair

A new year. A new stall to muck? We'll have to see together, won't we. It occurs to me that the old adage that "time waits for no man" also applies to women. Uh-oh. Bella is about to rant. Naw, it isn't worth it--no one is listening. We all know it, but we don't want to drop the act and pretend the people we are talking to aren't thinking, "But how does this affect me?"

How do you like your poison? Do you like it straight up? I'm feeling far too blunt. Why? I am tired of dying inside. I am tired of being treated like a fixture. No one gets satisfaction from always being the back-up dancer. No one gets satisfaction from being told they are wrong again and again (particularly when they tend to be right). I get that a lot. People even tell me to do something a certain way and then tell me I remember incorrectly. Elephants and other large animals tend to remember well. So this year, I want to be just like every single one of you--selfish, motivated by my own petty desires, but that is not my resolution because I know I will fail.

CRYPTIC NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS OF 2007

1. "Free at last" from the Hunchback without the stocks...
2. Get knighted--if Elton John can do it, so can I.
3. Dance more, falter less.
4. Get an inch taller--is this the year for my mutant gene?
5. Bring out the Bella who is still hiding from the world.
6. Costume, quilt, and clothe my world...
7. Make the world a better place, one page at a time.
8. Learn to relax.
9. Find out if the moon is really made of cheese. *drool*
10. Find my muse or accept myself as my muse--either way what bliss...

It has definitely been an interesting day. I had someone tell me I have a wonderful voice. I have to confess that is a new one. Of course, I have to wonder about that. I'll do that while I continue to watch an intriguing old movie.

As I was taking my morning walk around the block, I had another of my strangely optimistic thoughts. Granted, it started with a lament for the poor earthworms whose bodies line the roads after the uncharacteristic rainfall we have been having. The point is that my mind then turned again to all the turmoil in the world around us. We can hear it every day on the news. We are reminded of past events every time we take a moment to listen to the news or reflect on the world we live in. Today is, in fact, the anniversary of the Sago mine disaster. That is only one of the events that has been shaping the world in which we live. How then, can I be the luckiest girl in the world.

To start, I am breathing although I confess the air in here isn't so great right now *glares at Little Guy*. Then, of course, Rodney saved me a seat on the couch. I live in a country where anything is in my reach if I want to go for it (not any person, of course, and I wish others would realize that, but anything). I also live in a place where crime is low, we don't tend to have earthquakes, hurricanes, and tsunamis. We do have to worry about random drunks and acid mine drainage, but the earth is not perfect. Most importantly, we can be forgiven, and we can strive harder to become what we should be. Ah, but this is too much for a Tuesday and I still have work to be done even with the day off, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Pictures used to be worth a thousand words. Now they are worth about one tag. I have seen so many pictures over the past couple of days as a result of the increased number of digital camera owners. It is almost unbelievable what people feel compelled to post. Now that they can take a million pictures with their digital cameras, everyone thinks they are a great photographer. I, quite frankly, am scared by what we are losing by just accepting this. It is great that people with no photography abilities (like me) can try again and again to get a good photo, but I wish we would use more discretion in what we post, so I can see cute pictures without having to shuffle through random photos of people's fingers that they felt were a new art form, or have to look at pictures of attractive friends that are actually less than flattering.

I actually have some examples of this taken by me, but I haven't extracted them from my camera yet. Once more the world is saved by laziness. If laziness were not so powerful, this space would be filled with a picture of Rodney the Flabnificent right now.

"Love is something like the clouds that were in the sky before the sun came out. You cannot touch the clouds, you know; but you feel the rain and know how glad the flowers and the thirsty earth are to have it after a hot day. You cannot touch love either; but you feel the sweetness that it pours into everything. Without love you would not be happy or want to play." ~Anne Sullivan (1866-1936)

"Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new." ~Ursula K. Le Guin

"Each one of us is the architect of his own fate, and he is unfortunate indeed who will try to build himself without the inspiration of God; without realizing that he grows from within, not from without." ~David O. McKay (CR, October 1963, p.7.)

I am standing here with only you by my side
I reach for you, for a moment I can't hide
But you're looking through me at that moon
I fade out, did it happen too soon?

A new day has dawned, we're too far apart
The space between us, smaller than my heart
The sun passes on, I stand here at noon
And my mind turns again to that gleaming moon.

So you can't admit to love in this moment
I can't help but wonder if your love is spent
If you are my love and can grant my boon
Don't give me any words, just that moon

My eyes are tired of looking at the world. I am fully awake, but I want to close my eyes. That's the flaw of seeing too much and seeing it clearly. Is this the reason so many are seen sporting sunglasses or are we just trying to blend in? Or is that a result of the ongoing desire to protect our eyes from the increasingly harmful rays of the sun?

In the continuance of the holiday season, I received six more boxes of books today. I am expecting more wild forestry books, but these were the incredibly erotic math titles that make all the boys drool. They tend to make me want to wash my hands. It could be because they haven't been touched since the eighties except for some shifting now and then. Now I leave you to your jealousy...

Isn't it time we said good-bye,
You want control, don't see I cry
Don't care about me, couldn't care less
Unless I am envying the way you dress

Isn't it time that we said good-bye
You try to run me, don't realize I die
Not live when you lay claims to knowing
You aren't my friend, truth is showing

Isn't is time that we said good-bye
You take offense, though I still try
To maintain friendship that is dying
From your coercion, constant prying

Isn't it time we said good-bye
You want me to share misery, but I
Am not to be invited to share your bliss
I'll say it, theatrics I won't miss

Isn't it time we said good-bye
I am the one who cared, I sigh
To think I let it go so far
But you won't exit, you go too far...

Sometimes it is hard to let go. Not quite as hard as holding your temper in check when you should have been a redhead and someone takes it into their mind to be offended by innocent statements of yours. I realize that people grow apart. In fact, I've realized it for years, but I haven't quite mastered not feeling bad for not feeling about people as they believe I should. *sigh* Life would be easier if we could just write "the end" at the bottom of a page and not have people hounding us for explanations or proving the validity of our exit by trying to "punish" us. As if any of us really has the right to try and make someone else feel unhappy, right? Aw well, I have more important things to do than cry over spilled milk (easily cleaned up by enterprising kittens) and faux amis (easily replaced by people who really rock--even outside their minds).

Some things don't make sense in cards and life. It doesn't make sense that the ace of spades loves to be in my hand, but it does happen. It doesn't make sense that sometimes you have to be cruel to diffuse a situation before it becomes a bomb. It doesn't make sense that we get contentment from lying to ourselves. It doesn't make sense that people with a lot to offer usually die penniless and alone. In essence, the world is a nonsensical place to live. We just need to grab hold of that and grasp our inner nonsense. A variety of books and movies have encouraged us to do so, such as "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and "Adventures in Wonderland".

So what inane thing did I do today in order to justify my existence? I sang to my microfiche, very quietly. After all, my inanity should not filter into the neighboring cells...errr...cubicles. Sadly, the fiche did not sing back. The goal is to get the inanity to breed more inanity from those affected by mine. Not much else of an inane nature came my way.

Clipping coupons is not inane. Shuffling fiche is a familiar story. Stabbing myself with needles is par for the course. I did graciously accept my techno-Tony for my performance in "Fiddler of the Spoof" though. Too bad that my humility led me to have a heart attack as I left the stage. Then I became Wednesday Addams briefly before resuming my duties as your above-average (being 708 years old) attendee of Monday Mormon Moments. Did I mention we had cake? Oh, cake....

"So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep"

"It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray"

"Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there"

"Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded"

"I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train"

"Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it"

"Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain"

"Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same"

~Soul Asylum~

I find myself listening to random songs and remembering why I love them. Then I realize I still love them but now it is for different reasons. Some lyrics speak to me as strongly as scripture. If you're really listening, they can tell you a lot about yourself (not necessarily the person who sang them since most people can't read minds.)

So the weather has actually turned perfect for slurping hot cocoa with cats curled up on your toes and a warm laptop purring in your lap. Luckily for me, though they weren't as giving this last cold season as they were the one before, the hot cocoa gnomes have kept me stocked up and prepared for such a fabulous day. This means that I am also prepared to go pole-vaulting through the world on a sugar buzz. Well, I would be if I weren't practicing my self-restraint.

I do have incredible powers in the self-control department. I forgot to mention that I made use of said power yesterday. I passed by a rather attractive, powder blue Corvette (one of the models without the ungainly square behind) which happened to be idling and lonely. I did not hop in and keep it company, though I did pause to shake my head at the silliness of the person that would take such a risk. You never know when a crazy corvette-caressing cat chica might happen by and want to take a test drive after all.

So there were no test drives in the life of the good little hobbit. I did manage to make some fabulous chicken thingies for dinner. The cats enjoyed watching this, mainly because they were trying to steal some. I admit it is flattering to have those with such high tastes trying to take munchies that I made...

Some days you just need to go spin around while the snow is still falling. You need to remember what it feels like to throw yourself backward and wave arms and legs wildly. You need to remember what it is like to stand back up and look at the angel silhouette that you left behind. Some of us have to do this in our mind while we look out at the soft white blanket of snow that covers the marsh. Imagination is better than no nation at all.

I have a notion to buy that little island nation that I read an article about. I just don't have the fundage. Maybe I should add it to my wishlist, so people can keep it in mind for next Christmas. Or it could be a late Christmas present since we finally got our Christmas snow.

"You will meet sin; shun it! You will inherit freedom, protect it! You have a testimony; share it! You know the truth; live it!" ~Thomas S. Monson, "Favorite Quotations from the Collection of Thomas S. Monson", 120.

"The world is our responsibility. We cannot evade it." ~Gordon B. Hinckley "Ensign", May 1986, p. 42.

"Kindness is the essence of a celestial life. Kindness is how a Christlike person treats others." ~Joseph B. Wirthlin, "The Virtue of Kindness," Ensign, May 2005, 26

"Kindness has many synonyms--love, service, charity. But I like the word kindness because it implies action. It seems like something you and I can do." ~Betty Jo Jepsen

"Men and women are of equal value before God and must be equally valuable in the eyes of each other." ~Marion D. Hanks

So according to the following letter, I may be moving soon:

Dear Friend,

Congratulations! You have been awarded a Burial Space at No Cost. This Burial Space is valued up to $900.00 and cost you NOTHING. Along with your space certificate we also have a wonderful book, The Family Estate Planner, at No Cost to you. This valuable book will allow you to keep records, make decisions and to check out benefits that you may be entitled to at the time of death.

To receive your Family Estate Planner and Burial Space call: 555-555-5555. I'll get these materials out to you right away. When you call, please have your award number ready. YOUR AWARD NUMBER IS 10SER.

If this letter reaches you at the time of serious illness of bereavement, please excuse me for I had no way of knowing.

Sincerely,

Billy T. Bonedigger
Sales Manager

All the typos and strange phrasing are from the original. I only changed the numbers to amuse myself. Aside from the fact that this moving composition was photocopied, I think it is totally legitimate. In fact, it has me thinking that since I am only going to live until I move into my new and FREE home, I need to watch that Queen Latifah movie to get some tips on what I should do with my last days. All of this comes just in time for a long weekend.

Of course, the underlying problem with my new piece of property is that I have to purchase a living unit to put in it. If I happen to invite Dracula over for a snuggle, I have to provide nice silk sheets and a little dirt of the homeland. I wonder if Dracula got a letter as cool as mine.

So if fall comes and you find me firmly attached to a maple tree, it might be wise to just turn around and walk away. We need out private time. I thought I would let the warning for that out early. Mmmm, yummy maple tree kisses.

So I awoke this morning to a vacation day. Vacation days for me involve a lot of sleep and a little projecting. I wasn't able to put any projects to bed today, but I did find the terrible tabbies sleeping in my bed quite a few times. I would smell conspiracy if Ziggy didn't make her distaste so well-known. Some girls say more than others.

Seems like no matter what I try to do, something can distract me. Even my favorite pastime of sleep is not free of this. Minor tummy upset can even drag me out of that. This leads to unpleasant and disgruntled morning. This doesn't completely deter me from trying to make the piles disappear. Some piles are easier to hide than others though. The casual observer has no idea how many projects I have going on. I, in fact, am shocked when I realize I have about seventy in progress at any given time (and that is only one genre).

"Don't get hung up on a snag in the stream, my dear. Snags alone are not so dangerous--It is the debris that clings to them that makes the trouble. Pull yourself loose and go on." ~Anne Shannon Monroe (1877-1942)

"Instead of complaining that the rosebush is full of thorns, be happy that the thornbush has roses." ~German Proverb

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." ~Herm Albright

Another less-than-exciting day. I woke up. I worked. I wobbled from point A to point B. I wrote in this blog about nothing until my reader's drifted off. Then I talked about them all. *wink*

The ongoing weather conditions are driving more than California citrus growers to distraction. My ears have decided to join the fray. I am ignoring them for now. I am sure that the infection will fade away before it annoys me. Mmm. I wish I had something interesting to say, but all my excitement tapered off after I found myself crawling around on the floor when some guys from the physical plant wandered through yesterday. They looked amused. I plan to be amused by them having the joy of rigging wires in the haunted library. Muhahaha.

For some reason, those little hamsters in my brain keep bringing me back to the obsessive thought of how life has changed since the time of the Oregon Trail. It could be a deep-seated need to play that game again, and maybe finish a session without my brother dying of diphtheria (always happened, very sad). It could be the articles about cloned beef, dioxins from microwaving plastic, and defenseless citrus fruit that I have been reading. We have managed to extend our lives through clinical breakthroughs over the years, so we tend to become procrastinators. We waste our time having useless conversations on cell phones, spending hours in front of our computers (self-accusation 101), and watching remakes of movies we have already seen a dozen times or more.

So will what we really want in the moment really be there tomorrow? Should we wait until the last minute to try to accomplish our goals? Of course not. We should spend each day accomplishing something we really want to do. And if that goal might hurt someone because they choose to let it, so be it. I am so tired of walking on eggshells. People can't be as fragile as they pretend they are, and if they are that sensitive, then I am not the super-friend they need who will always cater to their whims because no matter what, someone is always going to claim it was I who hurt them. I really have to stop watching these strange dramas on television. They put me in a weird mood. Oh well, only five more episodes to go...

"The world today speaks a great deal about love, and it is sought for by many. But the pure love of Christ differs greatly from what the world thinks of love. Charity never seeks selfish gratification. The pure love of Christ seeks only the eternal growth and joy of others." ~Ezra Taft Benson

It all starts with a deep and pressing need for berries. Everyone needs some berries. You wake up and your body wants to be filled with the semi-sweet juices of the berry. Your tongue creeps out. It licks your lips. It almost tastes the flavor. You go downstairs. You know you had some fresh-picked berries from the day before. You reach the kitchen nook and you realize that you ate those berries the night before with some organic vanilla ice cream. How could you resist?

It's morning and your body will not be happy until it is berry full. So you go out for a little exercise in the woods. So you are leaping over stumps, avoiding potholes, and collecting berries. You try to keep your tail tucked in when you leap. You keep the faith that your spikes will not get stuck in anything causing you to miss out on berries. Oh, the joy, the splendor, the wonder when you have your fill of berries and gently drift off to sleep.

It doesn't make sense, does it? We finally got our white Christmas. Of course, the snow encourages two very important things--hot cocoa and cuddling. These are best enjoyed in the comfort of ones own hibernation cave. The world of hobbits is not as simple as the world of teddy bears, however. I crawled out of my warm little nest into a world full of annoying coincidences. My roomies super hot truck decided to have issues. As one can well imagine, the hobbitmobile refused to be awakened from her hibernation. This led to a day of begging for rides.

Luckily, another hobbit stepped in and helped me locate a ride. She just likes me because I bake her treats. She even lets me hold her son, knowing I will just convince him of the need for elevenses and elven cloaks.

Speaking of elves, this evenings festivities drew to a close with a wrestling match between an elven maid and a hobbit gentleman. I could attempt to describe the wonder of this, but you had to be there to appreciate the tackle and the subsequent roll-up. This doesn't even compare to the swat in the head with a rolled up "newspaper". Ah!!! And if I wasn't already tired, my own attempts to be sneaky while blindfolded would have made me want the upcoming nap!

Well, it's nice that she is helping with the cooking, but does she really have to be dancing around and singing about being a cat. I suppose it is a bit better than the washing machine exercises last night. I wonder how much sugar she ate today. I wonder if I have e-mail...

She seems to like that crazy thing more than she likes me. She lets it sit in her lap whenever it wants to. Hey, I wonder what happens when she pushes on it there. Why did she smack me when I tried to sniff it. Am I only supposed to touch it with my paws like she does? Hey, what is that she is eating with the other hand?

I'll just ignore her. She'll stop touching me. Then I can tell my therapist how neglectful she is again. Oh, here comes the big one. She better not give him any loving...

"No revenge is more honorable than the one not taken." ~Spanish Proverb

"Never does the human soul appear so strong and noble as when it forgoes revenge and dares to forgive an injury." ~E. H. Chapin

"Faith is literally the power by which God Himself operates in earthly and heavenly affairs. Miracles are the fruits of faith; faith precedes the miracle. Behind each miracle is divine power, and that power is faith." ~Ardeth Greene Knapp, My Neighbor, My Sister, My Friend

It can be a bit disturbing to think about what we will be remembered for. From time to time, we even get hints of this. For instance, today, a co-worker sent me a link about a Carnegie Award winning children's video, "Knuffle-bunny: A Cautionary Tale". It is based on a book that one may recall I love without rhyme or reason. I love it so much that when I encountered it on the shelves of our department, I believe I read it aloud at least four times to those who were willing to listen. (I have it on good authority that you couldn't help yourself especially since I did the noises so well.) Another instance, is my dread pirate friend randomly informing me that "Robin Hood: Men In Tights" was finally out on DVD. Some such movies just make me giggle. I think it is the dancing and the singing, but deep down, my psychiatrist says it is just a need to see men in tights. Could go either way, but why should I complain.

"False friends are like autumn leaves, found everywhere." ~French Proverb

"God save me from my friends - I can protect myself from my enemies." ~Marshall de Villars

"I bet it makes you laugh
Watching me work so hard to reach you
You never gave a damn
About all of those things I did to please you"

"All that you wanted, you found somewhere else
And nothing could drag you away from yourself"

"Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me? Everything to me"

"Lucky I've been through hell
Backroads and shortcuts I know them well..."

"The walls they close in
The air it goes out
We're left with nothing but a shadow of doubt
Nobody talks, no one is here
It's just you and me"

~Liz Phair~

If we all keep playing make-believe, we can all continue to believe that it is you helping me. I keep coming back to the fact that so many people try to "help" me under the guise of friendship or my pressing need to be assimilated. Neither of which is true. And they wonder why I just smile sometimes when they speak. It's not because they are right. It's because I know they aren't but I can't shatter their delusions by telling them how it is. Not that they listen anyway when they know I am right.

Now I realize I am not perfect. That is part of the reason why I get so annoyed when people expect far more of me than they expect of other people. I'm no perfect saint. I am going to falter, I am going to make mistakes. I expect to not be punished more severely than someone who makes them more frequently though. That would be a type of negative reinforcement, and to my own infinite sadness, I am smart enough to recognize when it is happening.

Theories of hamsters running on wheels and man's continual spewing of pollution into the atmosphere are some of the possible ways that the hands of time keep moving. When Father Time was interviewed, he just laughed and refused to answer like Carly Simon and her infamous song about the vain man in her life. Father Time is a tricky one, but his cousin, Old Man Winter, is trickier still. He keeps throwing snow parties and then pretending he didn't. This would be much more fun if I were still young (or even young at heart).

While I wait out Mr. Winter, I will have to content myself with indoor activities. This can range from Catlympics to clothing retrieval. Now where did I put that....

"Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave..."

"Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat hard telling
To watch them burn me shepherd..."

"Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight"

"I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate."

~Alanis Morissette~

"As member shepherds of our Father in Heaven's flock, we should not judge why some have strayed, but rather should try unceasingly to bring them back again into the fold, knowing Jesus can heal them when none other can." ~Robert D. Hales, Ensign, May 1987

I had a friend who once commented on the fact that knowledge had the same flaw as pick-up stix. He didn't word it quite that way, but my brain decided this is a verity today as I was shuffling some more fiche. (These ones are special, they come from England--yay!) One has to try not to jostle other information loose when trying to pick up a single solitary piece of information. Otherwise in our search for information about baseball facts, we find ourselves thinking about books on pregnant goldfish, green velvet pants, and very silly boys. Well, baseball always make me think of very silly boys that I want to play it with, but that is another story entirely.

Other aspects of life have the same problem. My ongoing pile of things I wish to accomplish, for instance. Granted, the fact that I keep adding to it doesn't help, but I have to be careful when pulling out one project that I don't send pieces of another scattering across the floor. My house needs organized (almost as badly as my desk at work, but I have been working on that--the flaw being that my desk attracts more stuff whenever it starts to look clean).

I have been considering that my house might look better if I spent less time trying to expand the size of my butt. How am I doing this? I do this by sitting on the couch in front of the television. Don't get confused and assume I am just wasting time. Anyone who knows of the industry of hobbits and queen bees knows that I spend this time sewing, plotting, finding things to throw away, and anything else that seems like fun at the time.

Of course, rumor has it that I have an odd concept of fun. But even that can be fun, so I better get back to it...

"In a sense all of us are in the middle of our own novels, our own life stories. Sometimes our stories feel very intense, and we would like to read ahead to know our own end, to make sure that everything is going to turn out all right. While we don't know the particular details of our life's experiences, fortunately we do know something about our futures, if we live worthily." ~Susan W. Tanner, "All Things Shall Work Together for Your Good," Ensign, May 2004