I will not obsess about you, the knives you hold
Waiting for me to turn, shoving them deep in me
Your heart must be so very lost, so very cold
To want to break and bind someone so free

I will not obsess over the way that you stare
Open up your world to me in the hope I'll care
And then slam the door and scream I am wrong
When I explain all your pain with a single song

I will not obsess about the bridges I have to burn
I will just let them go, give them no last turn
To stab me and hope that I will fall down to die
For if you can't control me, you want to see me cry...

Just call me the fairy godmother. It seems I am rather good at making dreams come true. Of course, how long it takes before those dreams shatter because they were illusions people created to hide from the truth is another matter. I have never figured out why people would rather disregard every good piece of advice I give them than admit I have a strange power of observation. That's right, I am not a stalker, I am an observer of men (and women and, most especially, hot cars). Such is the way of the world. Today, I face again what I have said time and again, making this little blog the most repetitive piece of drivel on the net, I am not what people accuse me of being (selfish), want me to be (a whore), or pretend that I am (their slave). I am simply me, and what I am is (and only I know what I mean by this) much scarier than anything they could have imagined.

So we were discussing in church yesterday that we should not "be unduly concerned about anything" (Philippians 4:6 footnotes). Anyone who knows me, knows that I am unduly concerned about everything. I have more obsessions than all the patients of your average shrink put together. One of said obsessions is not spending money to have people tell me what I already know (I'm not normal? You don't say.) or on drugs that probably will just make me more messed up than I was to start with (Chemical dependency, anyone?)

Ever find that it is time to cut some ties. It isn't that the person has done anything wrong. It just becomes more and more obvious that you have nothing in common (or what you have in common causes people to see you as someone you are not). I never was good at breaking off such relationships. Hence the fact that I still have some people who come running to me when they crash and burn. And when they do, what do I do? Put out the fire and call the ambulance. It is very wearying. It also does not lend itself to the great joy of moving forward. Ever had a hundred pound dog pulling on your leg while you try to walk? It's kind of like that.

It's someone's birthday, but it's not mine. Put away your paddles, there will be no diva spanking:)

Anyway, it is another day. The snowglobe has replenished itself. I have no church classes for the rest of the season. This is good because I need to obsess about my Christmas cooking and cards.

What this journal needs is more action and less talk. Sadly, I am still in my talking rut. I'll try to discover some action by sliding about on my bottom through the trailer park if I find the time. Of course, I won't find that time as it is already late and I still have much to finish before I sleep. My daily list of things to do is astonishing. Back to it, I go...

I don't have much action. Despite the slippery parking lots, icy sidewalks, and crazy people roaming about in heels, the semi-sleepy college town hasn't been generating a lot of excitement. That is not to say that we are not generating something.

As Christmas approaches, we try to rival the city of lights. We suddenly want to look out any window and see the Las Vegas strip. I look out my window and see dangling lights creating an airfield in my front marsh. It is glorious. It is beautiful. It causes me to wake up if I roll the wrong way in my sleep.

Now I understand the desire to get into the mood of the season. I applaud the efforts of those who go to so much effort without scorching their houses. I can almost accept the addition of tacky white spiral trees and skeletal deer (also equipped with lights) and huge blow-up penguins and St. Nicks. I say almost because I just look at these displays at late hours of the night and the hippy in me comes to life.

So here is my challenge to the house lighters of America: A) I posit that if we turned those lights off completely or just turned them off at a certain time, say 10pm, we could save money and energy. B) The money we saved could then be donated to a charity of our choice. Try it. Spread some real Christmas cheer this holiday and all year round.

Of course, my favorite action is to worry. I love to worry. I love it far too much. I do it all of the time. I am good at it. Even if the worry was justified (as proved by subsequent events), it wasn't good for my already frazzled nerves or my personality. So my challenge to me is to remember the mantra of a dear friend from an era past, "It's all good." I said that once to an old acquaintance and his jaw almost slammed into the concrete underfoot. It also made him speechless which was good because he was in the midst of saying harmful things at the time.

The number one thing not to worry about this year: what other people think I am doing for Christmas. I am under no obligation to give you a gift. You can expect one all you want, but as I have very little money, you should be happy if I give you a handmade card and a hug. Gifts are about the love not the price. Now, don't get me wrong. I have some wonderful friends who always get me something (even if it is just a hug), and I have friends who buy me rather pricey items (as detailed in my wishlist), which is fine if that is what you want to do. Just don't expect me to be able to reciprocate. I can't. I apologize in advance. I will not apologize again. Thanks for understanding that.

Something tickles the mind that is always thinking. Suddenly, both Pearl Harbor and Les Liaisons Dangereuses enter in clamoring for attention. War and love. Love and war. They shouldn't be together should they? Yet we are always fighting for the ones we love, aren't we? That's not true. I have seen over and over that people will not fight for what is not a sure thing, but they will blame their self-imposed misery on me. Thank you for the honor of being to blame, but I don't need it. I can still trounce your armies and send you crying home to mommy. (I like it when only I know what I am referring to. it makes me laugh because I know a few people would think I talk to them if they read this when they couldn't begin to understand...)

So today saw the snowglobe continuing to be shaken by an overly excited child. I even found some eye candy parked outside my window at work. I didn't believe it at first. It was far too good to be true. Candy, however, is the word of the day. I have a huge supply of it made by my own hobbit hands in my fridge now. Life is sweet. I must remember that.

Tonight proved to be interestingly full of white elephants. I got a little green Teen Titan who likes to party. Assuming he is at least eighteen, he is going to be my date for New Years. Come on--he's green. I also got to see and hug my wife (many times). And I gained popularity through the distribution of hugs. And I think a girl offered me sugar. I'll have to call and see if she was serious when I am not supposed to be sleeping. Sweet dreams.

After years and years of accusation, one eventually will buckle and break. Like a poorly built shelf loaded with encyclopedias, one bends in the middle. Eventually the wood will crack and the books will tumble to the floor. Do the books realize what such weight and pressure will do to them in the end? Does it matter? Do I think too much?

The weekend was busy as always. Saturday was spent doing what I do best--sewing quilt squares and preparing to bring happiness to others. I have finished what I can on that quilt for now. My new goal is to start another one that I can finish completely. Why? That reduces the number of projects that lie in wait for me. I have received reports that the Christmas presents that the Santa I tapped delivered were appreciated.

I already had a commitment to watch a friend of mine graduate. Well, three of my friends and two people I have worked with in the past, actually. You never know who you will see at graduation. At the end of two hours of listening to names and watching small patches applauding for their graduate, we all cheered the last girl. I am sure she never felt so beloved.

The rest of the day was spent packing food in my mouth. As a hobbit, I found this to be an easy task to perform. I am still not feeling quite myself today, however.

I am feeling rather like the Grinch as I watch him waiting for people to go "boo who". Eh, I don't really want to hear people go "boo who" despite accusations to the contrary. It always amazes me how little people know of me. Ah, but what do the little people know? You'd never believe me if I told you.

"He who builds according to every man's advice will have a crooked house." ~Danish Proverb

"We are never so generous as when giving advice." ~Francois de la Rochefoucauld

"God visits us often, but most of the time we are not home." ~French Proverb

"God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm." ~William Cowper

"Misfortunes always come in by a door that has been left open for them." ~Czech Proverb

"Be cautious. Opportunity does the knocking for temptation too." ~Al Batt

"The best memory is that which forgets nothing but injuries. Write kindness in marble and write injuries in the dust." ~Persian Proverb

"To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee." ~William H. Walton

"One moment of patience may ward off a great disaster;
one moment of impatience may ruin a whole life." ~Chinese Proverb

"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it." ~Arnold H. Glasow

"The best gifts are those which expect no return." ~Norwegian Proverb

"The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift." ~Pierre Corneille

"One kind word can warm three winter months." ~Japanese Proverb

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." ~Mother Teresa

Don't worry, you haven't lost me,
I was never yours to hold
I strayed, I fell, I ceased to be
If the world be told
But I was never made to touch
My skin was never made to caress
I know it doesn't mean much
I wasn't made for you to undress

Don't worry, you haven't lost me
You never held me dear
You just couldn't accept, you see
That I was your greatest fear
I was never made to love you
Give solace to imagined pain
I don't even think of you
As often as you believe in vain

Don't worry, you haven't lost me
I didn't even know you cared
After all that you have cost me
And all that we have shared
I find that you never really saw
The girl right before your eyes
Though I have caught your eye
Seen the questions you disguise
In each word, each twirled lie

(Ah, Carly Simon, I know how you feel when people assume they know of whom you speak. But will they ever know? I'll be kind. I'll clarify. That poem is written to anyone of any gender who ever lied about wanting me around and then blamed me for their unhappiness. That is an awfully big list. *watches egos deflating around the world*)

Despite my attempts to feel the joy of the season, I can't seem to get into it. What am I missing? I will review my list of "must do" items for the holidays.

1. I have made candy.
2. I have baked cookies and I will bake more.
3. I have watched cheesy Christmas programs.
4. I have made and sent some Christmas cards.
5. I have drank hot cocoa.
6. I have made a list and checked it twice.
7. I have wrapped presents.
8. I have received a few early gifts.
9. I have given a few early gifts.
10. I have sang Christmas carols.
11. I have read Luke 2.
12. I have decorated a tree.
13. I have made presents.
14. I have stressed that my presents won't be appreciated.
15. I have had to direct people to my wishlist.

So what haven't I done?

1. I haven't tickled Santa Claus.
2. I haven't worn an elf hat.
3. I haven't made a snow angel.
4. I haven't sat in anyone's lap and told them what I want for Christmas.

I am sure I have missed many other important milestones to preparing for the season. I am not alone. Even the weather is being uncooperative. My neighbors have their windows open because it is just that warm. Ah, but I digress and I have a few more things to do before I enter my evening. So I leave you to wonder what I have not mentioned...

There was a time when the snow would coat the earth, and we could look out at it and think how pure it was. We could gaze out on it as we slowly sipped hot chocolate and wait. We could watch the children come out to mar the snow with the prints of their little boots. Their ears would be muffled under hats and scarfs. Their hands would be protected by warm mittens and gloves. Sometimes they were so bundled up that they waddled like penguins. They would fall down and be as helpless as turtles on their backs but we had no fear for them. We knew someone would help them back to their feet.

We didn't just chuckle then turn back to our cold hard screens to see the world. We didn't feel disassociated from all the horrors that the news brought right into our living rooms. We didn't worry that these children would go to school one day and find themselves in a war zone. We didn't worry that they would feel so apart from the world and the people in it that they might be the one who brought the weapon that ended the existence of another child. We didn't worry for this. We didn't hate so strongly. We didn't feel nothing. We didn't think that happy events were a fiction only money could buy.

Are they just fictional stories? Is it just a pipe dream that past generations invented? Was there a time when people just loved each other? Was their a time for raising a barn? Was there a chance a community could raise up its children to love each other, their town, their country, their Father in Heaven? How can we let ourselves grow so far from that and try to hold someone else accountable for our sorrows?

What do we pursue? We want wealth. We want fame. We want to be the next big star even though we can see they are not happy. We could do it better. Of course, we could. We want fun. That is the meaning of life. Life is about the next cheap thrill. Oh, that is what we tell ourselves.

But we all want to be loved. We want to just be loved. We don't want to be lusted after for our fake tans and sculpted bodies. We want to be loved. We want someone to be there who will fold us in their arms though they don't even know why they want to hold us so tight until the pain ebbs. We want to be seen as the innocent children we were--not the jaded adults we have become. Perhaps, that is why I still have friends--I can see that. I can see through the layers and find that nugget of hope that they will discover what matters before...

But I can not speak of that any more. Some will be offended without cause (as they are offended from morning to night). Others will just pass judgment on something they aren't understanding correctly.

So. I went caroling last night with some friends. About twenty of us went next door to sing to the people in Unity Manor. We must not have sounded too bad because many of them popped out of their doors to listen to us sing and thank us. The one negative criticism came from a puppy, but he promptly decided our singing was excellent when people started scratching his ears. Another of our critics was a fuzzy white feline. She just looked petrified. In our defense, I think it was our numbers and not our singing that had her so scared.

Today has proved less eventful, but I believe I have accomplished more. I did do quite a bit of cleaning, so I have discovered more floor. I haven't done enough though because my trash can has not needed to be emptied yet. I'll work toward that goal tomorrow. Ah, there is always tomorrow...until there isn't...

What is the least I can do to claim I did something? What is the least I can do to feel like I did my part? What is the least I can do to claim recognition? What is the least I can do to keep things just right for me?

On the flip side: What is the most I can do? How can I do more? How can I top that? How can I build on that? How can I make this better?

Usually, the first series of questions is asked when we need to do something important. We want to do the least we can to keep our jobs. We want to do as little as possible and still hold our status. I know this is a generalization, but do you really think you would survey scrutiny if I got into specifics? I wouldn't. I am human, after all.

The second series of questions comes into play when we are trying to keep up with the Jorgensons (cooler neighbors than the Jones). We want to outdo them. We want more lights, more cameras, more action. We don't realize how much better the world was when it was simpler. I don't say that there were no problems. Health care, for instance, was a problem.

The issue is that we are not grateful for what we have. We aren't grateful for friends who set a good example. We aren't grateful for cats who love to cuddle. We aren't grateful for clowns. We aren't grateful for the air--we pollute it. We aren't grateful for our bodies--we abuse them. We aren't grateful for true friends--we lie to them because we want more.

I am grateful for a store called the Hobbit's Closet and the chance to add something from its shelves to my own closet or someone dear to me's. I am also grateful for the chance to snuggle my pillow. Isn't everyone?

Ah, hedonists will disagree with that statement thus answering my question with a resounding "no". After all, how could it be possible to not get what we want and be happy? Of course, if we delude ourselves, we can all believe we have exactly what we want, can't we?

"Only love can be divided endlessly and still not diminish." ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"In order to succeed, at times you have to make something from nothing." ~Ruth Mickleby-Land

If you asked me to, I would follow
Wherever our footsteps could flow
Over rocks and rapids, into the sea
But I can't go, unless you ask me

If you asked me, I would hold your hand
Open my heart, try to understand
Everything that makes you the one I see
But I can't love you, unless you ask me

If you asked why, I would explain my heart
Give you everything, be the better part
Of all that I have or ever could be
But I can't say yes, unless you ask me

I was about to write a moving and motivating entry last night when I picked up my phone and randomly dialed. At last, the phone was answered. I had quite the long conversation. I hope the one on the other end of the line got something from it besides tendrils of my crazy mixed up emotions. I am sure I will find out. But what was I going to write about?

We all have people in our lives. People are, in fact, an integral part of life. How we treat them defines us far more than their reactions to us. I may have more than my fair share of people. I get new ones every day and old ones filter in and out. (Hobbits are habit-forming!) Some of them just come back to remind us of what it is like to truly have a friend, and one can only hope these experiences will help us become better friends and people in general.

What always amazes is me is how the people furthest from me seem to understand me better than ones who are looking down their perfect noses at me. They get me better than people who see me every day and disregard what I have all but screamed and screamed in my attempts to make them get it. It's amazing.

This was brought back to my attention yesterday by a package that was rather hurriedly stuffed into my mailbox. It was folded and smooshed. The package had even begun to split. Not that I ever need encouragement to rip into packages and inspect the contents. I pulled it out and waited until I had got into the house and fed those fuzzy things that scream (I think people call them cats). Inside were two lovely clothing items from India. They are wrap around skirts that can be worn as tops or baby doll dresses or skirts or jackets or...well, you get the picture. I am am excited, but the extreme cold encourages me not to wear them. I may wear one tomorrow anyway. I wouldn't be me if I didn't half freeze every now an again for the sake of style happiness.

Well, duh, I am a diva!!!

The world has grown since the time a couple of millenia ago when a child of humble circumstance was born to be the King of kings. Do we remember? Do we notice?

Among my travels today, I made a stop off at someplace that seemed more immense than the world in my youth. It has fallen into ruin, but it has not shrunk. I have outgrown it. I have surpassed its bonds. I am more than I was, but not quite what I shall become. Sadly, I face again the reality that this world is full of those who want to hold us back because they are afraid they will lose us.

Why can't we love openly and truly? Why do I have to worry that when I tell certain friends that I love them that they will think this means they own me? Why do I have to turn my back on people simply because they hurt themselves trying to force me into a corner?

I don't say this because I believe I am some great treasure. Nor do I deny that I can bring joy into the lives around me. I believe I have brought some measure of happiness (and surprise to a number of people over the past few days.) So how do hobbits spend their holidays? Let me recap briefly.

1. I woke up and ate some fruit and yummy bread (made by me in my bread machine).
2. I wrote a little more on my nanowrimo (I may be getting over my disappointment of not finishing it in November.)
3. My brother (the human) dropped by and brought my lovely niece to scamper through my house. She decided she liked the huge kitty. Of course, her cousin went and hid in my room. He wanted no part of that silliness.
4. I dropped by the hospital with some beautiful girls to drop off receiving blankets made by the lovely ladies of the ward. They were distributed to women who brought children into the world today.
5. I dropped in on a friend who was shockingly alone on Christmas Eve. We shared the joy of Muppets and Deal or No Deal. We also scared away her father. Go figure.
6. I woke up this morning and drove the yodamobile to one of the layers of Hades.
7. I visited with my mom who will be safely snuggled in a warm quilt this evening.
8. I watched my sister-in-law happily devouring some of my incredibly addictive cookies. I really think she lost interest in me as soon as the cookies made an appearance.
9. I did the unthinkable and let my dwarf brother into my car. Hey, it's Christmas...
10. I visited my great aunt and traded her some addictive cookies for an orange. Yummy!
11. I visited my aunt briefly on the street, irritating someone who is probably my cousin and will probably forgive me because it's Christmas.
12. I visited my grandmother and her puppies, so my cats now find my skirt's smell intriguing.
13. I visited my mom again to show her I still knew where her place is and dropped off even more gifts (I told you I was Santa's helper).
14. I came home and finished my last Christmas movie, Christmas e-mails, and a novel I checked out.

That doesn't leave a lot to do tomorrow? Oh. You have no idea.

"Sometimes people say unkind or thoughtless things, and when they do, it is best to be a little hard of hearing--to tune out and not snap back in anger or impatience." ~Ruth Bader Ginsburg

"Never answer an angry word with an angry word. It”Ēs the second one that makes the quarrel." ~W. A. Nance

"Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty." ~Sicilian Proverb

"We love those who know the worst of us and don't turn their faces away." ~Walker Percy

Anyway, today has felt quite a bit like Monday. Why they wanted us to work just one day between a five and a four day weekend, I can't fathom. It is more of the great psychological experiment that they are running on us. We are paid well...by lab rat standards.

The past couple of days have been as full and bustling with activity as I can make them. My nanowrimo draws ever closer to completion. Offer me a couple hundred dollars and I may even let you read it (there is no shame in admitting I want to pay my bills, is there?). I have about seven more chapters to square away unless I have to add a couple more. I do seem to have that problem, but I love the fact that it is planned at forty-two chapters right now. It means something to me and my wife, does it mean something to you?

I traveled south on Wednesday to play games with my friends and meet new people. I didn't meet new people. I think they need to advertise better to the south. That or I need to find a new state to stalk since I already know this one so well. It could go either way. We'll see what the new year holds on that count. I still need to review last years resolutions and see how I fared. I can always carry them over again. My resolutions can remain as stalwart and unchanging as I am perceived to be. Anyway, delicious ice cream lies heavy in my tummy, a book awaits me reading, and I want to save some words for tomorrow. I have a date with my nanowrimo tomorrow. We're going to snuggle...

You can never make me feel as the water does
Washed clean, left to float just because
I have nothing more to do for this moment
All my time and my energy have been spent
And the water calls me, laps at my feet
This is the only time I admit defeat
As I plunge in, feel the ice inside me
Lost in the freeze of waters that hide me

My eyes are a little angry. They seem to want sleep, but I felt compelled review the year. I need to get a jump on the new year because, as always, there is so much to do. So I shall look at my resolutions and review how I did and which need to roll over. Indulge me or go eat more candy canes instead of looking at my self assessment.

PROGRESS OF CRYPTIC NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS OF 2007

1. "Free at last" from the Hunchback without the stocks...Okay, apparently, I found the stocks. I did free myself of one thing I referred to, only to find I was still stuck in at least one scenario that doesn't fit me or my worth.
2. Get knighted--if Elton John can do it, so can I.I wasn't knighted, but I believe I mostly accomplished what this was referring to.
3. Dance more, falter less.Still working on this one. I did dance a bit with Rodney on Friday. I was dancing happily in my room and he was dancing with me. Some cats desperately need attention.
4. Get an inch taller--is this the year for my mutant gene?This was not the year for my mutant gene. Thank goodness. Slumping around short people in denial is a trial for their friends.
5. Bring out the Bella who is still hiding from the world.She is still hiding, but maybe in the new year...
6. Costume, quilt, and clothe my world...I accomplished a lot of this, but anyone who is anyone knows that I still have enough fabric to continue this resolution well into the next decade...
7. Make the world a better place, one page at a time.I am working on it. This may require some additional wording for 2008.
8. Learn to relax.Not a chance.
9. Find out if the moon is really made of cheese. *drool*I didn't find the right delusion to take me to the moon and back, yet...
10. Find my muse or accept myself as my muse--either way what bliss...Oh, my beautiful muse has found me. I think she is trying to bury me in thought. I guess she knows I can do better.

So it is actually the new year as I type, but I shall recap today's events briefly before I move on to creating my resolution entry. I know people look forward to seeing what I have resolved to do with my three hundred sixty-five and a quarter days each year.

I awakened and decided it was too early, so I rolled over and went back to sleep. Starving children all over the house were appalled. I finally dragged myself out of bed and fed them. Then I started cleaning so my roomie could have his happy party. I also started stuffing games and food into boxes in preparation for my own party. A few movies and board games later and I was off to set up for the party.

Observations: We had quite a turnout. I was impressed. I think that about thirty people popped in at some point. A couple of people showed up to kidnap some others for a halo party and stayed to the end. We played everything from apples to apples to guitar hero to phase 10. Some lovely ladies tried to get a game of Twister started but I felt I would probably hurt my tiny little hobbit legs trying to stretch them around other people. If you invite a bunch of Mormons to come and bring treats, they will not fail to delight. We had pizza, chicken wings, cookies, cheesecake, popcorn, brownies... You get the idea. Now we must all resolve to lose the twenty pounds we gained tonight. Sparkling white grape juice is delicious, and sober people have more fun...