2008's GOALS AND MOTIVATIONS: RESOLUTIONS

1. Recognize my own worth.
2. Focus more on what is right with my world by making it better.
3. Dance more, falter less.
4. At the encouragement of many: learn to enunciate...
5. Bring out the Bella who is still hiding from the world.
6. Costume, quilt, and clothe my world some more.
7. Make the world a better place, one page at a time.
8. Learn to relax.
9. Acquire one of the admirable traits of Lilith Sternin Crane.
10. Accept my muse and allow others to admit how fabulous she is.

The morning and the year began with another example of cats abusing hobbits. I am sporting a scratch across my lower lip thanks to Little Guy attacking me this morning. Actually, I think it was an accident, but it still hurts a little. I then spent the rest of the day in holiday recovery. Eating like a pig, losing at about six games, and distributing hugs to people from as far away as California can be quite exhausting.

As this was how I chose to spend my day, I had to bring in the new year with an old friend. Gerard Depardieu was smashing as Cyrano de Bergerac as many are aware. I noted a couple of things as I watched the movie this time. First of all, when people translate something with their own spin on it, they lose some meaning. "Bravo" and "That went well" are not exactly the same thing. I also noticed Cyrano's commitment to what he loved. "Unto death as it were." We need more loyal and romantic spirits like that, though they would be better off without his self doubt. And the cycle of not having enough time to everything I want/need to do continues into another year...

So another year is before us. We have our open slate and our new year's resolutions. We still have the same hopes and dreams. We still have the same desire to read the ramblings and rantings of insane hobbits. We have so much and we should appreciate it.

Today has been another fabulous day in the snow globe. This morning, the windows in front of my desk even had little drifts of snow in some of the panes like something out of an old holiday movie. The fluffy blanket of snow looked warm and inviting. I even considered, briefly, snuggling up into a snow drift and taking a nap. Then I realized it was very cold and I had work to be done.

So I went to work to learn what work had in store for me. Oddly, it just had the same projects as last year. My piles of paper and fiche never change, but then again, some would say that neither do I. (But some would notice I have changed a bit and try to attribute it to me trying to impress someone else. I assure you, I am not trying to impress anyone. IMPresses never have to impress anyone but themselves.)

Another feature of my workplace that hasn't changed much is the constant construction that seems to be going on around me. The construction actually creeps closer and closer to the library every day. I am starting a campaign for the immediate renovation of White Hall. With luck, they'll completely block off the library with fences and steam shovels and we'll all get to visit it by being hoisted onto the roof (or helicopter rides--I'm game for those).

I tend to judge my progress by how small the piles in my room get. They get smaller and smaller but it happens so slowly that new projects come in before I have time to eliminate one of the piles. I suppose if I concentrated on one pile, things would disappear quicker. The problem with that is that for some piles to get attention, certain conditions must be met. The main condition for many of them is that I have some blessed solitude for extreme lengths of time. When one lives at Grand Central Station and is slowly coming to terms with the fate of a social butterfly, this doesn't happen so often.

Among other things that I have recently become aware of is how dull life can be without top ten lists in poor taste. The continuing accumulation of snow has inspired me briefly, so let's see if I can stretch it to ten.

TOP TEN FROSTY PICK-UP LINES

10. I do believe you are my favorite variety of popsicle.
9. It's too cold to stand here and chat, so let's go back to my place.
8. I have hot cocoa. You could use some hot cocoa, so...
7. Would you like to come back to my place for some (pause) soup?
6. Let me melt your heart...
5. Are you flushed from the cold or from looking at me?
4. I know how to warm you up.
3. Let me call you snow bunny...
2. Know how to make snow babies? I can show you.
1. Would you like to be my snow angel?

I also had one of my premonitions come true this morning. I received my first rant of the year about what is wrong with the library. Of course, it was something that is beyond my control to fix. I also believe part of the problem was user error. If you want to find out about...let's see...java, you have to find a way to specify whether you are talking about coffee, computers, or an island in Indonesia. It isn't my fault if a user fails to distinguish properly thus getting a million hits.

The day was topped off by chowing on some chili-esque soup and corn bread. I realized once more that I have a serious addiction to carbs. Is there a support group for that? If I started one, would anyone come? Would it be wrong of me to serve bagels as refreshments? Anyway, before more thoughts come forth to worry the reader, I shall be off.

...like filling up a trash can?

Okay, so the trash heap has spoken and decided she needs to get rid of trash. This means most of my spare time right now is spent figuring out what I can part with and what I still want to preserve for some reason that is unknown to even me. Luckily, the University has instituted a recycling program, so I can still feel all warm, green, and fuzzy inside (like Yoda or Kermit not mold).

Don't worry. I am finding ways to fill in the chinks. My recently married Missy was kind enough to feel and entertain the hobarian (hobbit and barbarian and librarian) last night. She even let me play with her tribble puppy who has lost some of her tribble beauty but will always be a tribble to me. Princess Tribble and I shared many affectionate moments until she actually started licking me and nibbling my toes. I don't believe in receiving that much painful affection.

This morning brought the news that as I was traipsing through my neighbors mushy yard, Miss Kewl was giving birth to baby kewl. The little fellow is named James Nathaniel and will probably be making cookies in no time at all. I guess this means I am an aunt, again. Most of the other girls are jealous except my daughter-in-law and wife. Ah, the family knot pulls tighter.

I watched another film featuring Gerard Depardieu the other evening. I don't believe I mentioned it, but in my personal rantings today, it came up again. Once more, he would say things and I would process them. Then I would read the subtitles. I would be astonished by how they only got the bones of the statement and not the meat. I realize that the translations need to be succinct for those who are slow to read. But, oh, what we lose by failing or refusing to understand the truth.

Then, of course, I was reading in Psalms last night. One of the verses talked about guarding the tongue. I know, better than some would believe, how sharp words can be. I know how they can slice and tear. I am aware that my brutal honesty can cut others as deeply as the false approbation of others cuts me. I have lost count of how many times I have had someone tell me something that I know was not true (for them) to avoid hurting my feelings. Finding out they lied, just adds to the soreness in my heart toward deceit. I have lived much of my life trying to discern truth through lies that were not artfully woven, but woven so tight that even my sharp words couldn't cut through them. Why are we like this?

I know it is a human (and kitten) need to be loved and valued. But it seems that we live in a world where people who are not perfect in every way or at least in form or finance are not even seen until a scapegoat is needed. It's sad. It's disheartening. Yet somehow on the right day, just eating a banana makes even my rant seem unnecessary.

Paper and photos have been dominating my time. Odd, how I always come back to projects of this sort. Once I finish these, I am sure I will be back to fabric. Any requests? How much are you willing to pay for a Bella Original?

I ask these questions rhetorically, but if you really want to pay me, that is negotiable. Unfortunately, we live in a society where one needs money to keep from living under a bridge. Not that Rodney would ever let his mother live under a bridge. He's too spoiled for that. Maybe that is the odd odor. Just joking though if I leaned over I could sniff him. Have I mentioned he looks like a pillow.

So I am feeling a bit weary right now. I mean constantly. I am no Dr. House despite my deep admiration for his brutal honesty and love for finding the solution. I am not sure if it is one of the sniffle-causing, hoarse voice-generating illnesses that seems to be going around or just the gloomy days of winter. I figure it is a combination of both of them. I have been battling it with excessive eating of fruit (if such a thing exists) and attempts to keep myself busy and full of sunshine. It seems to be failing, but I will keep pushing through. It is what we hobbits do best.

As I was busily working to label books today, it occurred to me how perfect the relationship between a book and its label is. They need each other. The label lets people know where the book belongs. The book gives the label a place to call home and a purpose.

Now I know you can't judge a book by its cover, but you can judge it a little bit based on its label. Despite what many have asserted to me time and time again (mainly by those who program and think about getting physical with nano-structures), a call number does give you an idea of what you are getting into. PS indicates literature. N denotes art. BX is religion. K is law. R is medicine. It all makes sense if you bother to think about it instead of complaining to your local hobarian that the system is broken. I didn't create the system. I didn't break the system. I am just smart enough to figure out how it works and use it to my advantage. (I can always find the book I want and three others besides.) I just need to work on using those other systems that I know far better than I should.

We all have to be a little selfish sometime. After all, we can't practice the tenets of my favorite scripture if we have no energy or ability. So to be selfish, I may just have to recognize that I am sick and force myself to relax (or come as close as I ever will). So far this evening that has involved me on the couch working on some projects that have been waiting to be tackled for years now. I am almost wishing I had thought of this before Christmas. I think I could make some charming gifts. Oh well, I still have birthdays, baptisms, and next Christmas...

Everyone knows that divas like to sing. This morning I was singing an old Sarah McLachlan favorite to my cat. He doesn't like my singing, but he does appreciate me petting him, so he forgives me. Later, I was listening to a song at my desk. I started to think about who the artist was singing to and I realized he was married, so it was my sincerest hope that he was singing to his wife. If you haven't heard my feelings on the sanctity of marriage, you haven't spent enough time with me.

O.J. Simpson always seems to be in court. People never appreciate the ones who do the most for them. Suicide bombers are always taking innocent people with them. Some tragedy is always reminding us how frail existence can be. Cats are always trying to choose between snuggles and food. I am always typing something that means nothing to anyone but me.

Some things must change, however. People are going to have to learn to treat each other with love and respect. People are going to have to learn how to help each other even if it doesn't directly help themselves. I am going to have to face the fact that this world does not apply the proper laws. If it did, where would I find all my fabulous rants?

Yesterday was a day for random friends and fun. I fear I didn't appreciate it enough and still am not doing so. I bumped into a beautiful friend and her sister on the way to lunch, so I decided to join them. That's right. The pictures just had to wait until I got around to them today. I am not sure about my photo arranging skills, but other people seem amazed. I should study these people...

Much of the evening was spent on the couch, stabbing at things with needles. Okay, so maybe I need a new hobby, but this one works for me. Then I went for a little late evening snacking. Three single guys, one single me, two couples, no waiting. We had fun.

Today has been less exciting. I seem to have become the breeding ground of another virus. My focus isn't so good. I can only focus on three things at once instead of five. The over-efficient monarchs of the world are appalled. I shall have to go wage my battle so that tomorrow can be exciting and rant worthy. Wish me luck.

"One more kiss could be the best thing
Or one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve"

"And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside
I know, I know
But all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows, who knows"

~Three Doors Down

Another article caught my eye today. Just another article about how we can be so offended by words. A single word can catch us off-guard and send our whole world careening if we let it. A simple turn of a phrase or omission of a word can change the entire meaning of a sentence. This is how our world works now. We don't need bullets just words. We don't need respect just money.

It is ironic. And we all know I love a good irony. I am an irony. I am sure I have mentioned it before. My irony becomes more and more clear as the days go on. I could stop and tell my faithful readers about it, but between sessions of nap time, I feel the need to accomplish a little more than adding more narcissism to the world wide web...

How we have all missed her. She became sad. She became morose. She forgot to tell us all that the sun was still shining. She forgot she could do anything. She forgot that love can conquer all. She forgot that the most important love of all was given to us long before we were born. She forgot. She waited. She wanted to make it right. She was afraid. She was afraid to bring on the ache again. She finally listened..."fear is what we learned here" and stepped over the threshold into freedom.

She remembers. She has found her wings. She has dropped her chains. Those who do not know her shall never believe that she is real. They will still see what they wish to see. Who has seen her? Who has known her? What description has she heard of herself that makes her smile to know someone saw it?

Aravan has seen her. Aravan has appreciated being loved. Aravan it was who pointed out that she was a better person when she went to church. Aravan it was who was too sweet to see the nasty and the bitter that was clouding the light...

Bill has seen her. He has commented that she always seems happy. Who could be happy with a job that continues in the same way day after day? This crazy little hobbit who knows that somewhere out there is a researcher who will do something grand from a piece of information on one of those "useless" fiche.

Leda has seen her. Leda has seen that she is a writer. Leda has seen that she is passionate and flighty, but still trusts her to make good cookies.

Dave has seen her. Dave accepts her for all her flaws. Dave is a great friend. Don't try to steal him. I'm keeping him. He deserves friends who appreciate him (and don't want to take advantage of him).

Now for those who don't see her: They think she can only think about them (obviously, they have also not met Rodney). They think that she will always be right where they left her. They believe she is disposable. They believe they can find a substitute. They believe she is not as wise as they are...She pities them. She leaves them to their devices with no more regrets. All her debts on that account are officially paid.

How does one cure guilt? Recognize that those who would employ it have no right to expect anything. Those who decide what they will see will always see what is not there. Like when Bella sees a huge chocolate cake dancing wildly before her in the desert, but that is a tale for another time. Now go find some happiness and peace...

Ever notice how you sometimes think the wrong thing is missing. You search and search and search. Then you find out that what was missing was just something you loaned to someone. I wonder if they'll notice they gave it back. *giggles merrily* Don't try to figure out what I am talking about in that opener. That was just my narcissism dancing with itself again.

So I returned to work after three days of feeling totally disgusting. Then I had my two days of recovery, which obviously weren't of the mental sort. But who would love me if I was sane? Admit it. We all need a little insanity to brighten up our lives.

I need a little more insanity. The newest thing in my life is the yodamobile. With the continuing increase in gas prices, however, that doesn't do much for me. I need something new to reflect on. Everyone is all wore out from hearing about inappropriate behaviors, being stalked by poetry.com, the GPO, how much sleep I got, the world's three most spoiled cats, and the five million unexciting projects in my world. I guess I have to make time for that. I may have to give up some of my television time (which won't be hard since it is the off-season for my shows.) Of course, I need cheap, non-sleazy fun which limits my options in this town. I wonder what that means...

I kind of gave up my television time for dinner and some hardcore Monopoly with some friends tonight. Apparently, real estate is not my thing. I am the second biggest loser. This also meant that I watched a little television while I waited for my friends to battle it out in rental escapades for a few more rounds. During the course of all the whining, wheeling, dealing, and debt-creating, I officially caught snippets of "American Idol" so now I know why I don't watch the show. I'm sorry Paula and Simon and crazy people in costumes with no voice, but it just doesn't bring me closer to an epiphany.

Speaking of epiphanies, I think I technically fulfilled resolutions 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, and 7 to some degree already. 2008 is going to be a good year. Oh my gosh, was I just happy there. *wink wink*

That's right, Bella is back where she belongs. I hope no one is feeling her loss too greatly. *smiles and disappears in a tranquil haze of sleep*

Seems like the big thing is to forget about things until they are needed. Everyone knows the cliche, "Don't know what you have 'til it's gone." I recently realized I have the opposite problem, "Don't know what you lost until you get it back." No wonder I have been so mixed up and muddled, huh? If I lost a toe, I probably wouldn't notice until it had been tidily sewed back on by a health-care professional.

Today I need to remember not to be afraid. Thus I am remembering a young man I knew all through grade school who I bumped into my freshman year of college. It was totally random. We started talking, and he felt compelled to tell me he had the biggest crush on me when we were about eight or nine. I still don't know why he felt he needed to tell me that. It was sweet though, and I hope he wasn't just passing up a chance to actually admit to some feeling. I am tired of living my life with regret and guilt for what could have been. Most of my guilt has been unfounded. I am a fighter. I always have been. I always will be. If I could make it happen alone, so many wonderful relationships could have bloomed and flourished, but I am not the only one who lets fear dictate me.

We are not alone in our fear. So I am telling my fear to go away. I want my dreams. I deserve my dreams. I am "a nice person". I am a good person. I do not devote my time to thinking how to spite people (despite those who believe I do.) In truth, even those who hurt me worst still have nothing but my well-wishes. I just am not inclined to let people keep trying to walk across me to get somewhere and assuming they can come back and do it again. I am no bridge. I am a moving breathing being--a diva if you will.

So today's excitement? A committee met to discuss resurrecting the Haunted House. We'll see if we have enough mana to cast the spell. Who knows? It could happen.

One wonders what it would be like to be rich enough to be thought eccentric (or called such though really believed mad and devoid of all reason). One wonders what drives someone to such madness. Is it seeing things that aren't there or just seeing things that no one else sees.

One also wonders what they could do with all that free time. I could create a million things. Of course, I have free time right now and I am updating this journal while my nanowrimo languishes, lamenting the fact that two months later, it has still not felt the words, "The End: Time to Edit" come flowing from my lips. It seems like this weather (and cold and flu season) are wreaking havoc on my system. My head is aching again.

This all stopped as I danced around in my kitchen. I was baking cornbread and some cookies for tomorrow night's fabulous chili cook-off and square dance. That should be rootin' tootin' good fun. One of my friends even reminded us of the joy of square dancing in gym class. My memories are different than hers. I remember noticing how rough or smooth every guy's hands were as we danced around each other.

This leads me back to one of my popular commentaries. I have no problem with rough hands. I have no problem with someone who lives by the sweat of their brow. Though I am a member of the service industry, providing services without sweating a bit (unless I take the long way around to get some fiche--you know, by way of the sixth floor via the stairs), I think is important to be able to do things with our hands. As I mentioned, I seem to have baking under control. I also am known for my savvy as a trash artist. Another friend sent me a link to a site that encourages the sale of such art. I was excited and you will be as well when I finally get a digital camera and can sell you some of my handiwork (or you can just inquire in person and save me the effort of posting pictures).

"Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them." ~Brendan Francis Behan (1923-1964)

"Results are often obtained by impetuosity and daring which could never have been obtained by ordinary methods." ~Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)

I've heard it before. I have said it in jest, but some days, it really is the only solution to minimizing our stress. You just have to turn around, look at someone and say, "That is not my obligation." So here are some notes to myself that I must remember.

"It is not my obligation to entertain you. I know you are fully capable of doing more with your life, why won't you believe me?"

"It is not my obligation to boost your ego. What you really need to do is be humble not proud."

"It is not my obligation to save you time or money (at expense). If I choose to do so, you should be grateful."

"It is not my obligation to wait for anyone or anything, so if my life leads me along and leaves you behind, just accept it."

"I am under no obligation to keep promises that I never made or made while I was sick."

It has been a long day, of course. It has also been a cold day. I think this weather is encouragement to hide under my covers with my feet under a cat, yet I am awake and typing.

The highlight of the day was, of course, the chili cook-off and square dance. I did what I always d at these events--I mixed all the chili varieties together and hoped for the best. I am still alive, so it worked out pretty well for me. I also got to dance with some gorgeous gals and guys. Well, the danced, I floundered around thinking too much.

I have a very dear friend and wife who has my same addiction to adopting four-legged children. We still talk. In fact, she lets me rant more than anyone else on the planet without passing judgment on me or my insanity. Maybe that's why I love her. It could also be that she is truly a sweet person. She has forgiven and forgotten more actual cruelties from me than most people have made up to justify their martyrdom. In so doing, she has also taught me not to do those things, so this, I believe, is why I get so very upset when people assert things about me that I know just are not true.

Sometimes I have dreams about her. They are interesting dreams. All my dreams are interesting. (But not that interesting--*shakes head at a naughty reader*. You know who you are...) So last night, she came for a visit. Really, she dropped by to see me in my dream. She wanted me to adopt about two dozen of the most adorable kittens in the whole world. Somehow along the way, we ended up in a high speed chase that had nothing to do with the kittens at all.

It appears that I was implicated in something of which I was not guilty, but my only option was to flee. Sound familiar? And the two dozen kittens? I am not sure, but maybe the vast array of projects awaiting me are kittens I adopted and now need to take care of. I better get back to that, but I thought I would slap some quick philosophy into today's entry.

This day must mean something to me. It is making me feel thoughtful again. Of course, the first bit of news I read this morning was about the passing of President Gordon B. Hinkley. Outside of Mormon circles this doesn't mean a lot. Inside Mormon circles, it shouldn't mean any sense of deep loss, but it does. He has been giving us someone to look up to for about 13 years (okay, just about ten for me). He will be missed, but the church will still have a strong leadership...

The second thing that struck me was a song that is perfect for me and my Sweet 'Tater Momma. It is a song by our mutual muse Dolly:

"People always comin' up to me and askin'
"Dolly, what's your secret?
With all you do, your attitude
Just seems to be so good
How do you keep it?"
Well, I'm not the Dalai Lama, but I'll try
To offer up a few words of advice."

"The day we're born we start to die
Don't waste one minute of this life
Get to livin'
Share your dreams and share your laughter
Make some points for the great hereafter."