As always, the intellectuals are re-evaluating their lives and trying to find a new perspective on an old world. I speak of myself and others like me who are looking out on a new morning with the full intent to finally face the worst trial of their lives: admitting who they are and doing something about it. Most people do this on the first of January, each year, but the intellectuals constantly find fault in their logic and must look again.

It is easy when you think too much to trap yourself in a box. Other people will be more than willing to help you put the lid on and tap it into place with a hammer. It's very hard to make people see you for who you are once they have done this. So why not step outside your world and take stock? So if I seem a little distant, that is all I am doing. For those who like to assume the worst, let me clarify what I am not doing:

1. I am not asking you to fix me. I am mending quite well...

2. I am not turning my back on the things I know to be true. I am still very much LDS. I am still very much a respecter of humans and cats (and even puppies).

3. I am not changing who I am. I am just showing more of who I am. I am rather tired of people refusing to accept all the aspects of me. I realize that some fall in love with my wit, my kindness, my jokes in poor taste, my desire to be a hobbit, my ability to make addictive cookies, but there is more to me. There always has been, so I just ask that you respect that.

4. I am not giving you permission to try to push me into things I am not ready for. I deliberate for great periods of time before making decisions. I have jumped before and found myself trapped in the aforementioned box. I don't need a locked box, I need wide open spaces and a little shelter to come back to when the rain starts. Everyone needs some feeling of security. You can admit it, too...

Welcome, welcome to the entry about how I intend to be the world's most annoying cell phone user. First of all, don't text me. I am not going to read it. I don't hate you. I just don't want to read what you have to say unless it is a book, an e-mail, a letter, a card, or an instant message while I am seated on my butt with my hands on my keyboard (prolly one with no letters left on the keys). Second, if you plan to call me incessantly, you should plan to talk to my voice mail. If you abuse the right to leave a message, you will find I don't respond. A phone is a tool, not a toy. If you want to play with me, set up a play date. I like that childhood tradition. Third, if you are sitting where I can see you and my cell phone rings, you are probably going to get kicked. I may make exceptions. I admit that a few smiles make me forget how to enact vengeance. It should be noted that I have great amounts of muscle in my legs (prolly from climbing hills and roaming around in stairwells).

I suppose I should also mock myself. I have already been tempted to call someone from the bathroom--just because. I just couldn't think of anyone who would be amused by me laughing hysterically as I flush the toilet over and over. Thank your lucky stars. I may call someone later and tell them that I am walking up the street and talk to them about the cars passing by (if there are any).

So why did I even bother to get a cell phone? Yeah, to amuse myself. Actually, I disappeared this week and a small community seemed totally devastated. They also didn't bother leaving messages on my house phone. Maybe they will feel more comfortable with my voice assuring them that I will eventually remember I am carrying an answering machine in my pocket. Of course, the cats may be depressed. I think they have enjoyed listening to my mother call and leave messages over the years. If you have ever received one of my messages, just imagine what havoc my mother could do. She has been known to sing and talk to the cats directly...

So it was a warm day. So many little puffs of warmth all over the place. Too much warmth is never good though. I think a little ice may be in order. Or a lot of ice. I am feeling a bit like the ice princess, and the ice princess is tired.

When no one is dancing, I want to walk over to you
Take your hands in mine, pull you through
Into this world behind my veils where we dance,
Sing, forgive ourselves, and take the chance
To breath life into each other, into blessings
That we didn't know and this alone brings
Me dancing back into the center of the floor
Twirling and searching for you once more

It may have just been my mind coming out of sleep, but when I saw my hand reaching for the snooze button this morning, it made me think of aged hands. Maybe my body is finally catching up to my old soul. Most who have heard my rants of late probably would agree that I live far too much in a moment. Others would be certain I am a crone with my evil cats and quilting obsession.

Evil cats? Indeed. I have experienced quite a bit of feline abuse this weekend. Saturday morning (in the wee hours), Ziggy leaped onto my leg with her claws out. She dug them in and then spun around while still attached. I was not amused. In fact, I am still sporting some nasty looking scratches. As if that were not enough, I woke up yesterday to a combination tag team of Ziggy's screaming, Lil' guy poking his face into mine and giving me a look like he was starving, and Rodney patting my behind. Really, what did I do to deserve such treatment? Being a crazy cat lady really doesn't look as appealing on days like that.

Ever have a moment when your mouth closes, the world clicks for you, and you are lost in the silence? Ever come out of it to find someone staring at you as if you were speaking and they were listening for a change? It happens even to the most confused of us.

Not that I have had an epiphany in the past 24 hours, but I do like to give some semblance of an excuse for my ongoing silence. It isn't my dirty mouth any longer. I went to my dentist. They scrubbed my teeth. I happily thought of scary scenes for haunted houses. Is August really almost upon us?

So as I was sitting in the semi-uncomfortable chair while the hygienist peeked into my open (not new) but silent (new feature) mouth, I was pondering how so many people are afraid of the dentist. My dentist is a hobbit, so maybe that makes all the difference in the world. I personally think my most scary thought is that my hygienist was comparing my teeth to those of the child before me who probably still had a gummy bear floating around in there and found my teeth to be the least pleasant. She claims otherwise, but she seems like a nice and wise person, so maybe she didn't want to anger someone whose mouth her fingers would be in. I should take a poll to see what my readers thinks, but my readers may have deserted in my semi-silence. Anyway, my teeth may want to be flossed yet again today, so I am off...

"No one else can tell you what your life's work is, but it's important that you find it. There is a part of you that knows--affirm that part." ~Willis Harman (d. 1997)

"You cannot be a leader and ask other people to follow you, unless you know how to follow, too." ~Sam Rayburn (1882-1961)

I bet you'll say I misled you, wasn't leading at all
You weren't listening, nor was I, I shouldn't call
You on your bluffs or try to make you see
That you aren't ready though all you need is me

I bet you'll say I hurt you, I'm the one who aimed
Fired out the bullet that left you maimed
But you're the one who chose to silence my voice
Leaving me to fade out, I had no other choice

I bet you'll say I was the one to turn away
But I know better, I am still facing you today
And wishing something could be left of what blooms
When darkness falls and we both weep from mortal tombs

The morning started with rain, so the gloom must fall upon us. My gums are happier today for those who have an interest in what goes on in my mouth. I know many claim not to care what erupts from it whether good or bad, happy or sad, sane or mad. It doesn't really matter when the lightning strikes if you heard the thunder or does it?

Today is my darling Boston wife's unbirthday. Yes, she is also one of those happy shiny people. She knows she loves it. Don't we all?

So it has been a while since I posted. I suppose I should enlighten my youthful readers with some observations from what was a very eventful weekend.

If one is squished between two cute yet thin girls for eight hours, they can still be comfortable. Having short legs helps with this. Even slender ladies can make good pillows. Of course, it helps if they are your friends and will put up with your random snuggling.

It is much more relaxing to sleep in a spare bed than in a tent. It is warmer. It gives better support. (In fact, sleeping anywhere probably beats my bed.) The flaw with this is that some people will find themselves completely incapable of rising from this comfort. Others will come tumbling out of bed and wander around in their "cute" PJs until the shower finally summons them. (This is another feature of sleeping over at a friend's house that rocks--clean showers.)

I should warn people at this point that during the course of the day that my skin got a little sun-kissed. I am pink not red, so I may not be as fair as I was in the old days when the pink fades away. We got to wander around the historical sites and see the pageant. I even got to meet some fascinating people including a little boy who shares a birthday with Robin Williams, Don Knotts, some web diva, and Janet Reno (don't ask me, I still haven't figured it out). We also got fed (a lot). Luckily, we are all food enthusiasts not zoo animals, so feeding us was encouraged.

Saturday found us up again for more fun and hijinks. Okay, we got a late start due to someone getting lost with the car. Let's just say that person did not end up in Fairmont (so it couldn't have been me). We went to another historical site and a book store. Just so you all know, some hot Mormon guy thought I was 20 (I look awfully young for 709), so I am going to be marketing my secrets to a youthful appearance when I find the time. Then we had more driving, dinner, and someone flinching from a spoon. I have no idea what that was about ;)

And Sunday found me in one of my favorite places--church. We were cautioned to watch how we speak to others, be honest, and maintain our integrity. I would go more into detail, but what I get from something is not always what you would. You're welcome to join us anytime. I also took a nap. I think I am a nap junkie. I should stop though. I couldn't sleep last night much to Rodney's annoyance. He finally got his mommy back and she wouldn't hold still.

Today was less exciting. I spent most of it doing what dull librarians do best--shining microfiche. I spiced up the evening with some sushi.

And so I'm leaving, you can find out how much better things can get,
And if it helps, Id say I feel a little worse than I did when we met,
So when you find someone else, you can try again, it might work next time,
You look out of the kitchen window and you shake your head and say low,
if I could believe that stuff, Id say that woman has a halo,
And I look out and say, yeah, shes really blond,
And then I go outside and join the others, I am the others,

Oh -- and thats not easy, I don't know what you saw, I want somebody who sees me,
I will not be afraid of women, I will not be afraid of women. ~Dar Williams

The information that it is Pioneer Day keeps floating through my head. This is another of those wild Mormon holidays where we celebrate the sacrifices of those who came before us. Seriously, Mormon or not, you should take a look at all the hardships our forefathers went through. Sailing in cramped ships, felling trees with an axe, building cities in untamed land, and traveling across the country with the sparse supplies they could pack into a covered wagon (or even more harsh, a handcart) are only some of the hardships they faced. I could go on for hours. I could also refer you to this great game called the Oregon Trail...

It always comes into question as to what one is not writing about. So much can touch us in the moment and then quickly fade away. I find myself thinking of those little things as I snuggle up to my laptop, waiting for sleep to draw me in.

I caught a baby bird today. I know your very heart quivers with fear at the thought. (Or do you also have a cat aggressively attacking your foot in this moment?) I had it in my hands for only a few seconds as I transferred it from the road to the grass. Of course, it was alarmed by my irrational behavior and flew from my loosely clasped hand, but in a mere moment, I felt how soft it was in my hand with its downy feathers. For a second, I held innocence in my hand. Then it was gone and I missed innocence, love, and the absence of fear...

Before I get into the meat of today's story, I have to say something important. I have to wish my brother a happy birthday. I know he will never get a gift as good as the one he got a few days before he turned two, but a diva can always hope for the best for her brother, can't she?

I think all my days off from work (all four or five of them) have corrupted me. My fiche don't look nearly as shiny. I may have to invest in some fiche polish.

"I'm not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you're standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You'll probably move right through
Me on my way to you" ~Finger Eleven

I really should get more sleep. Grogginess makes me do silly things like have to send out multiple e-mails which is really a waste of the recipient's time as well as my own. I shouldn't be wasting time. I know I have an eternity of it, but only an infinitesimal fraction is going to be spent being able to learn what I can learn here.

I fear I may spend too much time trying to find meaning in the meaningless, point in the pointless, and worth in the worthless instead of making the world a better place. As always, I am not sure where I am going with this topic.

My tummy is very full of strawberry malt, so I should be looking at the world as if I had rose-colored lenses. However, I can still see that the world is seething with all sorts of slime and pain that a hobbit can't face regardless of the amount of sugar in her system. Besides, something is not right in the Shire and with enough help from the right avenues, I believe I can make it better...

I come closer and closer to accepting my true fate and destiny. I resist it because it is not what I want, but it bears down upon me with such power that I must relent. I must let it overtake me. I doubt my readers know what I refer to. I am sure they have ideas, but some things I discuss with no one...

Was it Jewel who sang something along the lines, "I no longer wish to lend my strength to the things I wish to be free of". I keep coming back to that very thought. I encourage fools to reach for their dreams while they try to trample mine. I believe them when they say they care when it becomes obvious they only care if I am there to lift them up. You never know when you'll need that. Some day I have to become what I was meant to be. Don't we all?

So what is that? That is for me to know. When the right person asks in the right way, I'll let them in on my secret. In the meantime that is between me and the real powers that be.