So my whole world is in flux. I think I am coming out of some sort of haze because I am seeing it too vividly. Seeing can be more painful than feeling. Have you ever stared straight into the sun? The truth can burn your eyes far quicker. That only applies if you have them open enough to see it, of course.

Among the things I have done is updating the home page for this website. Then I decided it doesn't quite make me happy, so while I ponder how to make it all better, you can send me messages on how you think I can improve it in its current form. Don't expect immediate implementation, however, unless you tend to give constructive as opposed to deconstructive criticism.

As this is a Friday and the start of a whole new month, it was necessary to spend time away from my keyboard. How does one do that? With a little help from their friends. The mystical Missy and I wandered out into the fading sun to do what girls do best--buy clothes for men. For some reason, the fellow in the men's department didn't look convinced that buying clothes for my brother by trying them on was my best option. My brother is a little taller than me and a little broader in the shoulders, so with some mental math it all works out (and I only buy him shirts, anyway, that way if he doesn't like them, he can give them back to me.) Anyway, we weren't buying shirts for him, so don't worry, Otis, it'll all be okay.

Then we were off to look for pirates. I saw one in the food court, but he didn't see me. This cloak of invisibility is pretty sweet, but I shouldn't speak of that. Anyway, without giving away anything, I like pirates. Then again, I always have, which becomes more and more clear to me as I try to sleep with Ziggy meowing, "Arrrr" and Rodney drinking rum...

This is another of those fabulous projects we undertake in this modern age to define ourselves and show that we have worth. Of course, I have been told by a few that they don't read this journal. It's boring. Of course, it is. It isn't all about you and how I adore you. Why people want to be idols to friends and family, I don't understand. Happiness should come from knowing they are respected even if they show various degrees of disrespect. It has also been said that I am cruel for not just falling madly in love with some individuals and making their wildest dreams come true by chasing them down. Let's have a little perspective on that from my twisted world view...

Any relationship (friend, romantic, business) should be built on trust and respect. If you don't respect me, then you can't trust me and I can't trust you. If you don't respect me enough to realize that expecting me to give you the moon is asinine, please don't claim we have any relationship at all. I don't have the time for that. If you don't have any respect for yourself, don't cast that burden on me. Sometimes I joke. If I talk to you, odds are that I respect you and thus don't think you are stupid, worthless, beyond hope, or should die in a corner. Please stop assuming I do and that every word from my mouth is some hidden insult. I am not going to continue to be polite about this matter.

If you can't stand up in front of the whole world and tell them exactly how you feel about me (love, adoration, worship material, respect, honor, desire to be with for eternity, admiration for some ability I have, whatever) then you really don't have the right to feel that way. Don't expect me to come out and confess such feelings for you either. Odds are, I am thinking about something completely different since I find it better to not care more for people than they care for me, which isn't to say it doesn't happen, but odds are pretty good that I don't say "I love you" because I don't love you the way you think I do. Don't get mad at me if I don't want to be your secret friend or girlfriend. I've been offered that moniker before. I didn't need it when I was nine and covered in pine sap ortwelve and trying not to be bored in math. I am not so in need of attention now. I am also not inclined to want to be treated as your possession, slave, personal friend (as in, only you can be my friend--get real), pseudo-girlfriend or wife...

In short, for those concerned about the fact that the diva is still single, unless you want to ask me out, don't bother me about what I do with my spare time. It is my spare time. If I want to spend it reading the Book of Mormon or the Ensign or sewing scraps together or dancing with my cat or driving the hobbitmobile, that is my business. If want to spend my extra two cents on chocolate chips, that is also my choice, so step off. Anyway, I hope I don't have to repeat this rant again.

Anyway, I had a semi-marvelous idea for a reshaping of my journal writing. Why? Because it is getting rather dull. If I see one more entry about fiche shuffling or playing with stickers, I may pop. So, perhaps, I will just have to find a new world view. It could be an interesting experiment, but today is not the day. Another window beckons rather assiduously...

"It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe." ~Robert Service

Wubulous. Wubulous.

I can decide to impact the world, get a million ideas how to do it, and accomplish nothing if I do not enter the fray. It is Monday, so what better day is there to start on this wonderflous attempt to make the world a more exciting and wubulous (yes, that word again) day for all those who are bound for or are found on this site?

We've all heard the catchy "WWJD". Now this is a very important question to ask yourself before making crucial decisions. Would Jesus honk his horn and flip off that Omni in front of him for going the speed limit? Would Jesus eat his French fries with his Frosty? Would Jesus forgive his neighbor for not being perfect? I leave you to work that out for yourself. I can speak for many personalities(from Alletai to YumYum), but I can not speak for Jesus.

I propose another catchy string of letters for us, however. WWDSS? "What Would Dr. Seuss Say?" Moments come in every life in which one must ask themselves that question. One is faced with something so stupendous, magnificent, hop on poppish, cat in the hattish, green eggs and hammish, that one must stop and think what the great inspirer of zooks, kooks, drooks, and mooks could possibly say at moments like this.

Now this thought came to me in the shower this morning. Try to tell me that you aren't thinking of the Lorax and Sam I Am while you are scrubbing your toes. I just won't believe you. It is inconceivable. I did a little research, and it seems that I am not the only person who feels the world should contemplate this. Go ahead. Take a gander. A whole subnet of Seussites have been asking themselves this question on various topics over the years. At last, someplace I belong. WWDSS?

So the early part of the day was spent observing dirt being shoveled into the hole where a building once was. Then some industrious fellows came out and raked the dirt around for a while. Following this, they threw down hay. This was all very exciting. Every thing can be exciting if you give it the right ingredients or the right spin.

After that, I got to observe the restaurant on the corner. My ability to recognize people from that distance is apparently pretty good, so watch out...

I have been in and out of dreamland all day. When I came out of it the first time, I decided to see what was waiting for me on the net. The answer was "not much". This led me to do something wild and crazy since I didn't feel like leaving my bed. I started cleaning up the files on my computer. I am as much a digital packrat as a physical one, but what interesting things I uncover. More on that layer, perhaps, but I am hoping one more dip into the realm of sleep will have me feeling whole and ready to go back to my fiche and names in the morning.

"Reputation is what you are in the light; character is what you are in the dark." ~American Proverb

"Character is what God and the angels know of us; reputation is what men and women think of us." ~Horace Mann

"You can make a difference. You can change the world. Because you are the difference. You are the world." ~Federico Pena

"All generations experience change. You cannot predict the future, so don't waste any time worrying about it. The challenge you must accept, right now, is to make yourself better every day." ~Jeffrey R. Immelt

"You have to be like the pebble in the stream, keeping the grain, and rolling along without being dissolved or dissolving anything else." ~Joseph Joubert (1754-1824)

"Do not rely completely on any other human being, however dear. We meet all life's greatest tests alone." ~Agnes Macphail (1890-1954)

"Love doesn't grow on the trees like apples in Eden--it's something you have to make. And you must use your imagination to make it too, just like anything else." ~Joyce Cary (1888-1957)

"If you don't have a plan for yourself, you'll be a part of someone else's." ~-American Proverb

"In the long run men hit only what they aim at." ~Henry David Thoreau

"If you believe in what you're doing, it's amazing how much you can accomplish." ~Jennifer Stockburger

"It's difficult to inspire others to accomplish what you haven't been willing to try."

"Only love gives us the taste of eternity." ~Jewish Proverb

"No love, no friendship can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever." ~Francois Mauriac

"If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." ~Anatole France (1844-1924)

"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804-1864)

"[T]he stronger and more radiant we are, the more we can serve as a positive influence in the world. The more happiness we bring into the world, the better it is for everyone." ~Dan Millman

"Kind looks, kind words, kind acts, and warm handshakes--these are secondary means of grace when men are in trouble and fighting their unseen battles." ~John Hall

"Our distinctions do not lie in the places we occupy, but in the grace and dignity with which we fill them." ~William Gilmore Simms (1806-1870)

I love when they park their eye candy on the streets I walk on. This gives me the chance to admire from so many angles as I walk semi-drunkenly up the street. I do not walk in this way because I drink. I walk in this way because I am too busy staring at cars to notice obstructions in my path such as random garbage cans and other groggy-looking people. These people obviously didn't spend yesterday feeling under the weather and crawling in and out of bed. I slept so much yesterday that the Sandman and I may actually be engaged.

So I have a lull in my attempts to make all those phone calls I have been meaning to make. My world of friends seems to be in constant upheaval these days, so I have to check in from time to time to see what I am missing. Besides that I can distract myself from some of the excitement in my own world. Excitement? Well, excitement in my world can include some if not all of the following:

1. Random medical trauma.
2. Lamenting the inability to dress as mermaid for fear my cats may eat me.
3. My cats trying to eat me for reasons I can't fathom.
4. Random attacks from bottles of lotion. Do I smell like a kiwi-berry-moonlight-flower-of-love yet?
5. Hot cars parked in my new view.
6. Promises of dirty old books to enliven my day.
7. People treating me in ways that are neither appropriate or wanted.
8. Bizarre old movies where Jackie Gleason is a mute...
9. Realizations that hypochondriacs really shouldn't watch medical dramas.
10. Projects sneaking up on me out of the woodwork and screaming, "finish me" or "start me".

It is amazing how much of life is spent trying to keep up. We all pick our opponent and try to catch up to them. Some pick the Jones family with their fancy car and fairy tale life. Others pick the local Casanova or Aphrodite. I seem to have not really picked anything in particular. If I bothered to list the things I am working on or pondering at this moment, you might get a glimpse. I won't do that for a variety of reasons. The main reason, being, of course, that it will cut into my project fulfillment time.

I also made an important discovery. All roads in Hell lead back to Hell. It doesn't matter how many times you twist and turn, you always end up lost and burning. Though you can find a hermit hovel at the top of a steep gravel hill. You'd almost want to move in if your car didn't bottom out four times as you crept upward looking for a place to safely turn without disturbing snakes and other local wildlife.

Anyway, it's either time to krump or time to sleep, and I think only I care if I do either, unless, of course, I wanna go for a ride...

So I spent much of the day in the heart of Africa. The safari went on for hours. The wild animals roamed and ravaged. Civil wars raged all around me. I even discovered some dinosaurs. In the end, however, I did what I always seem to do and started shipping my new friends off to the ends of the earth. You know you envy my job...

The highlight of the day was the Monday Mormon Moments. Only a few of us made it out for the fabulous pool party. I am starting to think I need a cell phone, so that it can ring silently near me instead of all the way back at my house. I probably still wouldn't answer it because I was busy doing what I do best--lounging.

I got dunked a couple of times by someone who wants kicked out of the lovable hobbits club. I mean, that is the only reason one would dunk another hobbit. Now I must go work on my forgiveness and try not to be saddened by the ongoing knowledge that if I dressed as a mermaid, my cats would try to eat my fish parts...

So I have been reading more on George Sand. This causes my mind to wander down that path which is most well-worn. It makes me realize why my cats get to keep me to themselves. Our world has gone from one where there is no divorce to one where there is no marriage. No one wants to be tied down. No one wants to confess they have a need for some one else.

While romantic, the phrase, "you complete me" is not what a relationship really needs. If one is not complete, in and of themself, they rely too much on the one they marry. Sometimes this works, but most times it causes the relationship to crumble and die. What do I know of this? I look at marriage as the ultimate friendship, and I know abusive friendships well...

Eventually, I am going to figure out why I keep doing things that drive me batty. I keep writing poetry. You've probably read the poetry. I don't like poetry. Why do I write it? I have no idea. It just keeps coming out of me. It's kind of like how Ziggy keeps biting me after running to me in great excitement to see me.

I hate talking on the phone. It seems so impersonal. It is quick. It is easy. It is awfully convenient, but the human variable is not quite right. I like to see the person before me. I like to have the option to put my arms around them if they need it. More bizarre? I actually prefer talking via instant messenger. Somehow that works for me. I defy you to explain it. It's like trying to explain why the white mice let us experiment on them when we are part of their great experiment.

I also tend to say "yes". The more nervous what I am volunteering for makes me, the more willing I am to say "yes". I do say "no" from time to time, but usually I don't. Thus is born the rumor that I will be teaching some sort of lesson this week. Is the world ready for that?

Looking through the distorted lens of my life, I can see how this world has changed. I do not have the age to back up my claims, but I know well a time when men still knew how to love. I know of a time when words meant something. I know a time when it was okay to want privacy. I know how it feels to take pride in working with ones hands. I know how important it is to be able to do more than try to control other people. I don't feel my life is inadequate simply because I am not pleasuring myself in one way or another every second of the day. In short, I come from an era when prudes ruled the world and we loved our fifty skirts that we wore all at once.

So today was another of those days that just screams, "random". I was returning to work from a brief jaunt into the warmth and sunshine when I bumped into a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while. We continued toward the library. Then the truth came out. Apparently, she has been working in an office near mine. How did I miss that? I really must make a lunch date with her. Please, someone be my secretary for free and arrange these things for me.

Anyway, I got booked today. Every one knew it was bound to happen. Every one wants to book a hobbit who owns a hobbitmobile. This book will help me understand the gospel according to Peanuts. Indeed, Charlie Brown karma is more than just an idea in my head. Anyway, all this excitement can make a girl tired. More tomorrow if I haven't burnt anything down...

Another busy weekend has fallen away behind me. I have too much to do, not enough time, and always those things that distract me. I guess it is really time for me to become an average member of society and turn my back on some of the lesser entities. Among those are the ones who want to be the greater entitities. If they can't make time for me that works for me, I don't intend to bend my needs or my principles just to keep them happy. I really don't have the energy.

Brief recap of the weekend: Madelyn is cute! That's all you need to know ;)

Some days, I can't keep myself from floating away. Some days, my feet can't stay in one place. Some days, I just want to lay around and let the world pass by. I fear it is a side effect from trying to be too many people. The many aspects of Bella can be so wearying. In fact, it is this that has kept this site from realizing its potential. Someday, I will discover leisure and I will slaughter it with a little toking of the HTML (or discovery of XML and CSS). Please don't hold your breath. I keep finding more and more to occupy my days. I don't care to explain it. I am tired of people telling me I should justify myself or that something is wrong with me because I don't have time and funds for fun, fun, fun. We can't all be living off of someone else...After all, someone has to pay more than their fair share, and guess what they do with their free time...

So the last of the African tribe brought it's jungle beat into my cube today. This means that my lovely new friends will all be assigned to new homes by the end of the week. The lucky ones will be, anyway. Some of them have to await the decisions of an associate. If I talk about any other work moments, the potty training commercial's jingle may pop back into my head. None of us really want that, or do we?

For those who think I am just a drama queen who has no reason to feel even slightly blue, I will share a few things. Just remember, for every thing I share, there are two (or more) things you will never know:

My mother recently had major surgery--life altering even, and, she informs me, she is going to have more. I love my mother. This does not make me feel like Susie Sunshine. Sorry if those of you who did poorly on the SAT or GRE can't understand how those things are linked.

I am having a bit of trouble being nice to people who are trying to lie to or manipulate me. Yes, people are confused enough to do it. They also are silly enough to think I won't notice. I rather like being shown a little respect. Thinking that I am an idiot is not a sign of respect. In general, I am not feeling the respect. *points to cliff* Yes, this is where you step off. I guess it is my own fault for being nice about it in the past and thus setting a precedent for ongoing abuse...

I am a little angry at myself for the above reason. I don't like being angry at me. Anger is, after all, the path to the dark side...

A couple of friends who are very dear to me (and respect me and always give me useful advice that has nothing to do with their own needs) have been struggling lately. As Bella, the healer of hearts, this has got me a little wigged out. No, I don't want to gossip to you about my friends. Just be aware that I may be worried about something more important than your wallpaper or unnecessary desires...

"Great women and men are always more anxious to serve than to have dominion." ~Spencer W. Kimball (Ensign, November 1979, p. 104.)

I have started reading a journal by the distinguished George Sand. I am pretty sure she was insane. I understand her completely. Of course, in her day, it was more acceptable to go completely mad. Nowadays, people try to lock you away in a padded room. Of course, in her day, her behavior toward the men in her life was considered scandalous--now doing the opposite, as I do, is scandalous. Sorry if I don't have an "Open for Business" sign on my legs. I am not the state in which I live, and all people deserve more respect than that, anyway.

As it has come to my attention again that I shouldn't waste my words, I think I shall leave them elsewhere...

So my great aunt loves to send me these "great" e-mails. They are all forwards. She is one of the offenders who doesn't clean them up before she sends them on to me. This means I have a great list of e-mail addresses that I know receive forwards, and would welcome some from me. Well, probably not. If my great aunt weren't such a nice person (though I have never met her in person--California being rather far from me), I would probably just block her account.

Of course, my favorite f-ing involves fiche. I am back to my favorite project at work. Oh, welcome, welcome to my interesting conversations. I actually had a friend try to make a joke about me making jokes about fiche. He ended up sounding rude. Of course, I am rude, so I can recognize these things.

It amazes me how well everyone thinks they know me. A friend who really hasn't talked to me in five years was telling some other friends of mine about my driving (these friends have seen me drive). I wonder if it struck them as oddly as it struck me. Why do I have so many ambassadors who know pretty much nothing about me?

I admit I talk at length on a great many subjects. However, I do have quite a bit I keep to myself. Even divas have their private issues, battles, thoughts, and needs (okay, so my need for an attitude adjustment isn't too private). Just because I say a lot doesn't mean people understand a lot. It is proved over and over that people don't get me. I'd be concerned if they haven't been pointing out to me that they really aren't listening. Not that it matters if they listen because they try to reintepret what I have told them straight up with total honesty (this is how they flatter themselves and justify telling me how cruel I am.)

I don't think I am cruel. Cruel is referring annoying questions where they are supposed to be asked instead of answering them quickly and moving on. Cruel is treating people exactly the way they treat me and smiling the whole time. Cruel is telling the truth about what is going on in my world. No one wants the truth. They want the fluffy icing, not the sponge Amelia Bedelia made her sponge cake from.

"When you're in your 90s and looking back, it's not going to be how much money you made or how many awards you've won. It's really "What did you stand for? Did you make a positive difference for people?"" ~Elizabeth Dole

"A fool and water will go the way they are diverted." ~African Proverb

"You can't make anything idiot proof because idiots are so ingenious." ~Ron Burns

"We can only learn to love by loving." ~Iris Murdoch

"Love is a net that catches hearts like a fish." ~Muhammad Ali

"Do not be wise in words - be wise in deeds." ~Jewish Proverb

"Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." ~Mark Twain

The first thing I learned this weekend is that I can not just not attend something. I had two things I really wanted to go to this weekend. My body had other ideas--pure sleep. I did manage to get said sleep, but I was kind of involved in the activities anyway.

Friday night, the ladies had a slumber party. Now, this sounds promising for my sleep need, but I know from experience that slumber and sleep are two different fish. Slumber involves almost passing out and then someone says something and every one starts giggling. Then they decide they can't sleep, so they plot. Yes, they plot. Then a hobbit wakes up the next morning and finds that her car and door have been plastered with post-it notes. (At first, I thought our landlady was complaining that our grass was too brown.) Then I realized how many were stuck to the door. I took them down and proceeded on my merry way, only to find that the Omni had also got some sweet sisterly love (as well as the lawn since the wind had tried to steal some hearts). I am only one of the lucky ones. I heard rumors that some other people got some free toilet paper (if they wanted to try to reroll it or wad it up) and lipstick smooches.

Anyway, the reason I even left my house on Saturday to find these treasures is because I received a phone call as I was finishing up a rough draft. (I was supposed to be on a long car trip with my wife, but my body denied my request for permission to travel. And, yes, I really, really wanted to go. My body is just evil.) So Missy was calling to invite me over to see her puppy. I got to her aunt's house to discover they have three (for now) tiny, golden tribbles. I still haven't seen the puppies. I think the tribbles must have eaten them. Luckily, the tribbles were cute, so I wasn't too disappointed.

Since the alleged puppies could not be found, we convinced young Laura to try one of the Lolli-pups. The look on her face was classic. We were informed that these are not yummy treats for young ladies. This is the information that needs to be shared in this wild age of experimentation. Her father also shared that it is actually fairly common for boys to try out dog food. This confirms what many women have thought about men over the years, doesn't it. *wink*

Sunday was filled with more of the expected kind of learning. We reviewed the importance of prayer and scripture study. We finished watching The Testaments, and we even discussed the fact that we really are Christians. If you weren't there, you missed out and we can discuss if you want...

Today was not quite as educational. I am still working my way through the G's with mad abandon. I may find my way to a non-aspirated H by next month, but I won't hold my breath for it.

The evening culminated with a dance lesson. Boys are amusing when they learn basic swing dance moves. I particularly like it when they turn rather pink and start laughing. This makes me feel better. I watched from the couch since I have always been bad at playing follow the leader.

From there we traveled to the peanut gallery. My friends proved quite tolerant of me throwing peanuts at them. They weren't so tolerant of me reading the menu as poetry. Some people just don't appreciate good poetry, eh?

"God has given you the gift of a free nation, and it is the duty of each of you to help in whatever way you can to preserve it." ~Harold B. Lee

"History rests on the shoulders of those who accepted the challenge of difficulties and drove through to victory in spite of everything." ~Hugh B. Brown (CR, October 1963, p. 87.)

"It is generally good medicine to sympathize with others, but not with yourself." ~Marvin J. Ashton (Ensign, May 1988, p. 63.)

I shall have to keep this entry short due to a need for sleep. I have to recap the high points of my day. That should take about three sentences. I got more e-mail from, that's right, poetry.com. Seriously, if you want to feel appreciated, submit a poem to them. My boss said my favorite words, "I think we have a project for you." He also took it back and then tossed it out, and now we are in limbo. I think he just likes to keep me guessing so I have something to occupy my mind. I am not obsessed with taking online math tests. Why? I have no idea. I haven't had an actual math class in nine years. It's kind of fun (if you're crazy). After Institute, I stopped to get my mail. I had to open one of the packages to get it out of my box. It wasn't addressed to me. Thankfully, my neighbors know they can trust me. Then I got into my car and realized that a hideous little beetle had taken up residence (for Sara and because it's true) IN MY PANTS!!!

Sometimes we flatter ourselves. Sometimes other people flatter us without being aware of it. Why do we have to feel guilty for knowing people appreciate us? Is it pride? Is it natural? Who knows? Who really cares?

Maybe it is just me who overanalyses compliments. It could just be me who also doesn't know how to take one to start with. I would work on being normal if I could just figure out what that is supposed to be. No one really agrees with anyone else. Oh well, I am sure I have more important things to worry about. For instance, I have an important date with Mr. Sandman that I am already late for...

I know I have ranted on it before, but I keep coming back to how cold we are becoming. Perhaps, it is our way of dealing with rising temperatures and rising tides. We cut ourselves off from the world in the interest of being closer to those around us and blending in a world that tells us we don't need anybody.

I heard someone at church make the comment that "It is better to believe than to know." I have to agree. Knowing makes it so much harder. People will defend a belief to the death but once they know it, they can lose sight of how important it it. It isn't logical, but even Spock can assure us of how illogical we humans are. Knowing has its other faults as well. A lot of people have problems with people who know more than them. Some people have problems with their own excessive knowledge. Seriously, some things are better left unknown...

about belly dancers and cats. So I found an article today about how domestic cats are descended from Middle Eastern wildcats. Suddenly so many things make sense. I now know why kittens can't stay away from me when I am wearing circle skirts. I know why Rodney loves to watch me shimmy. I understand the Sphinx. Cats and belly dancers were meant to go together (and ferrets as I understand from and old listserve e-mail).