My month has begun. As all should be aware, the diva has already broken into the costume closet and let the world see one of her many personalities. What does the month have in store for us? That depends on how much time I can scrape together to work on things. I also need to find my muse so if you see her stepping out with some other blogger, tell her to come back. My keyboard is lonely...

Every one has a skeleton or two hanging out in their closet. Not every one is like the biology teacher from high school who kept showing us the one he had. Of course, he was trying to teach us the difference between a tibia and aan ulna and a metatarsal. We can't really learn from other people's skeletons, but some of us delve too deeply into the lives of others. I feel uncomfortable doing that. Sometimes when you know something, you can tell that your friend is now assessing whether you still love them.

Some people even let other people passing judgment on them push them away from things they love. This is a silly but common phenomenon. Not only should we not assume anything about other people even in this cynical world, but we should try to find the good in them. Two brief experiences I had today within the hour I call "lunch" helped to remind me of this. As I was walking to the church, I sneezed because the sun was in my eyes. A perfect stranger said, "bless you". That doesn't happen often and it made me smile and reply, "thank you" in a bemused voice. The second involved someone I actually know. I passed the missionaries on the street (opposite sides of the road--in fact, a truck made our greetings short.) One of them went out of his way to wish me a good day anyway. It made me smile.

I fear that sprawling out across a queen-size quilt did nothing for my aching 709 year old body last night. This is not another commentary on the level of discomfort of my bed. I was attempting to tie the quilt so I can cross off another project on the list over which I obsess. After three and a half hours, I was not even halfway through with this part of the project and I still have to finish the edges when I finish that. I may put too much love into the things I make, but I don't think I do (time, maybe; love, no). I just hope the recipients of all that love value it.

The hobbit who lived in my cubicle before me came in for a visit today. She almost didn't recognize the place. After all, the fort has disappeared and the trash heap has taken over. (Really, all I need are the sassy rats, but the cat on my speaker may eat them.) We even discoursed on our hobbit mommy and shared our hope that all is well in her life. (That's right, we think of you fondly even if we aren't the best at expressing it through e-mails or descending upon your house in our hot cars.)

"Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest to us." ~Meister Eckhart (c. 1260-1327)

"Experience, which destroys innocence, also leads one back to it." ~James Baldwin (1924-1987)

The mornings are getting chillier. The air is getting that autumn tinge. Little spirits and ghouls are starting to anticipate the acquisition of candy and many repetitions of the age old mantra, "trick or treat". The haunted house will not be providing entertainment this year. That means this spirit should be free. However, she finds herself inundated with other people's expectations. How many of them will she meet?

At this moment as I stare at the huge quilt that promises to dominate my free time for at least another week, I am thinking that I will not meet many people's expectations. I may not even meet my own, but I have decided that other people can just cope. I never promised them anything. I never even implied it, so they can expect what they want and be happy with knowing I love them even if I don't give them the world. Isn't that the way it should be?

I have a friend that sometimes goes incredibly long periods of time without contacting me. At first, I'd get pouty. I'd decide she really didn't want to talk to me. I'd push it out of my mind. Then, being the sweetheart I know she is, she'd call me up out of the blue or drop by. I need to be more like that. And other people need to have more faith that when it is right for both of us, I'll just drop in and give them a hug. Well, I am not sure what I am talking about (loving blond women maybe?), so I shall wander off to destress by decluttering. Have a sweet one...

So I was asked last night where all the powerful women are. I dare to say they are right under our noses. It takes just as much courage to refrain from leaping into the spotlight as it does to try to the take the world by storm. It depends ultimately on what one is meant to do with their life as to where they concentrate their efforts.

I feel so out of sorts these days. My muscles seem to be tensing and waiting for something to happen. My mind is racing with numbers, projects, words, images that make little sense, and ideas that are quite out of character. I feel a bit like Old Deuteronomy of cats fame who "lived many lives in succession". How many Bellas and Butterflies shall I see come and go before I burn out in the flames of myself?

The world is full of many things that we should fear. None is less horrifying than this world itself. It tells us to go against ever true part of our inner nature. This is the moment when some readers will raise their eyebrows and then laugh to themselves to think that I have finally given into the view that "the passions of the flesh" (if you will) are the key to happiness and understanding. I tend to disagree.

Have you watched children? They don't behave that way. Children are much closer to understanding humanity than adults will ever be. With our focus on power, money, conquests of any variety, we forget what it is like to play in the sandbox with a stranger and trust them because we know that cherubic smile is simply a smile not a ruse, a mask, a facade. We adults don't have that pleasure. We constantly have to question what might be behind the smile.

Another great quality of children. They face life without fear. They plunge off of the roof of their house confident that the pile of blankets below will be enough of a cushion to keep them from being harmed. They don't tense up as much when they feel the earth coming toward them. They aren't hurt as bad as they could be if they did this. Even then, they know that even if it hurts more than they expected, mommy and daddy will make sure it is alright. It's okay to have faith when you're young.

It's okay to be innocent as well. Children don't have to be informed of the terrors of this world. As a friend and I discussed over lunch, mommy and daddy tell us the important warnings like, "look both ways before you cross the street", "don't take candy from a stranger", and "dress in light colors and wear something reflective if walking at night". Children heed these warnings. No need is felt to challenge them or test them.

But I have grown old. How can I ever find again such a trust? Such an innocence? Such a desire to simply be...?

So I find that some days are unbearably full of life. Fridays tend to be among those days, and this whole weekend is promising to continue in the same strain. I have walking dates, Stargate needs, book club, a baby shower, and play practice awaiting me. I also have a quilt, two completely different books that really need to be read or returned, a need to begin Harry Potter sometime this century, piles of paper, piles of pictures, laundry, two needy cats, one needy mom, and other activities that I am sure I have forgotten.

"You've got a way with me
Somehow you got me to believe
In everything that I could be
I've gotta say-you really got a way
You've got a way it seems
You gave me faith to find my dreams
You'll never know just what that means
Can't you see... you got a way with me

It's just the way you are"

~Shania Twain

"To speak kindly does not hurt the tongue." ~French Proverb

"Those who wish to sing always find a song." ~Swedish Proverb

"He that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast." ~Proverbs 15:15

"Vision without action is a daydream.
Action without vision is a nightmare." ~Japanese Proverb

"Deliberation is the work of many men.
Action, of one alone." ~Charles de Gaulle

"Talent is something rare and beautiful and precious, and it must not be allowed to go to waste." ~George Selden

"He who is outside his door has the hardest part of his journey behind him." ~Dutch Proverb

"If it is to be,
It is up to me." ~William H. Johnson

"In life it is possible merely to throw a heap of stones together, but this pile is not beautiful. We pyramid to the heights only when we lay stone on stone according to a beautiful plan. If we have no faith in the principles with which we build life, we are defeated." ~W. N. Thomas

"There is a passion for perfection which you rarely see fully developed, but...in successful lives it is never wholly lacking." ~Bliss Carman (1861-1929)

We ghosts of this world make very little sense. We are haunting. We are compelling. We rattle about and are occasionally noticed. In that notice, we find little solace. We can not leave that place which we haunt. We can not find ourselves attached again to a world that has bid us adieu. So why do we write these words? Why do we seek to explain what can not be understood? Why do we moan to the new tenants of the world?

I can't explain any of that. I can not explain how a poet hates poetry. I can not explain how a lover is murdered by the love they think will bring them life. I can not clarify the difference between life and death. I can not clarify the difference between eternal life and immortality. I can not make these words make sense to the reader. I can not make the reader understand that interpretation changes what is said here.

I can't even make sense of much-expected nightmares about the Yodamobile dying on me. Of course, my reason reminded me, even in my dreams, that my warranty was still good, so I could get it fixed. Amazing how aware I can be--even in my subconscious.

I have a problem. My problem stems from all sorts of unfinished business. Leaving things unfinished brings little satisfaction. When one has turned into a social butterfly, however, it seems the whole world expects us to leave everything already in progress to cater to them.

So how does a butterfly fill its days? It is more than just flowers and powdered wings. We wake up and feed the cats (or the cats will eat us). We clean ourselves. We find a few seconds to ingest a grainy breakfast. We brush remnants of breakfast from our teeth. We throw on our clothes and head out the door.

We spend the day shuffling the fiche. The fiche appreciate this. Sometimes we address a little humor at other people trapped in the cubes. We venture out for a quick lunch and crossword at the church (because that is our second home). Then back to fiche shuffling. Then we are off to home to work on a skirt we should have done the way we told ourself to in the first place. Then we pay some more bills, stress a little about yet another expense we will be taking on (anyone want to help me pay for my new server???)

Then we leave our pile of projects to go wish someone a happy birthday and eat a piece of cake. Then, despite many people insisting we must stay for a class that we have had at least twice before, we get back into the yodamobile and return to the house. As the groove of productivity has already been broken, we take a long bath. That will probably be our relaxation for the week, but who knows? There is always tomorrow...

So I have probably mentioned my rather strange obsession with Helen Keller before. It ties in so well with my dirty hippie innards. I was wandering through the house this morning in the semi-darkness. Since I had banged around in the cabinets to find my cereal and a bowl and a spoon and even addressed rude comments to the cat, I assumed my presence was well known. I greeted my roomie with a rousing, "morning" and he came very close to screaming. It feels like October now. He may still be trying to get his heartbeat back to normal.

Define broken? I feel a little bit broken right now, but my wings have never given me cause to believe I could soar so high. What if I fly too close to the sun and it burns me? I don't fear that. I fear the flames that will consume the ground below me. But is this ground not already burning?

I fear I seek too often for a certain order. In a world full of chaos, that is a rare treasure indeed. I have found one place thus far that has the order that I crave. At this moment, one hundred and twenty-four such places exist and I have only seen one. I could travel the whole world and see them all if only I had the money.

Luckily for those who love me worst, I do not have the resources to be free just yet...

"Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breath more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and all good things will be yours." ~Swedish Proverb

"Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness." ~George Santayana

The hobbitmobile and I got to reconnect yesterday. So many pleasant memories came back for me. The phone rang, I noted it was a cell number but didn't think much of it as I answered. I was greeted by my brother's voice. He asked if I would be able to come and assist him as the angry Omni was not willing to start for him. I hopped into the yodamobile and made my way over to the parking lot, confident I would recognize my old friend. I was not wrong. I was also amused by ongoing thoughts of being the Omni rescue unit. My brother didn't seem as amused to have lil' sis coming to his rescue, but that is the way the Omni burns. (Actually, the Omni has apparently discovered fire twice in the past couple of months. I have to wonder what the difference between my brother and I is--aside from his lack of hobbit stature.)

I also have to note that I don't like big productions being made every time I try to leave. It is particularly annoying when someone else is still speaking. People really need to learn not to think they own me and I am obligated to be around for their amusement. It just doesn't work like that. It might if I ever get married and he inspires those feelings in me, but I assume that if I get married, that guy will respect me enough to know my loyalty and love won't be sapped away just because I leave his presence. That doesn't need evaluated. I used the word if--a very big if.

On a more positive note, I finally found a fiche every one can love. It is "Make Your Own Paper Model of a Volcano." How cool is that? For those who prefer water fun, another one contains four models of island coral reefs. You should go find them and print them out and play with your glue and display your artwork. I recommend the cubicle display system. That is where I display my art. So, readers, would you pay to own treasures made by me from my very own trash??? That's a serious question. Feel free to confess to my guestbook.

What scares us? The dark? The unknown? Other people's perceptions? Failure? Success? Death? Forgetting? Being Forgotten? That emptiness? Loneliness? Demons? Monsters? The Unknown?

Nothing in this world is worth fearing (even the nothing itself). That is the problem with fear. It is an abstract concept that has no purpose except to keep us from becoming who we should be. I am tired by fear. I am wearied by fools. I am exhausted by lies.

Some days I allow myself that luxury--fear. I allow myself to be afraid of hurting people. I let myself run ragged for fear of letting them down. That is, of course, all they ever get from me anyway. Why? Simply because it is what they want. I can be there for them every second of every day for years and that one day that I can't do it (probably because I am close to dead and they didn't notice--hail the zombie queen!), they use that one disappointment as the basis for all perception of me.

Let me help you see me. let me help you take those blinders from your eyes for about two seconds.

1. I am human.
2. Each day has a limited amount of hours.
3. I want to be selfish like you.
4. I am tired of your whining and my own.
5. I need moments of peace.
6. I know I don't belong anywhere.
7. I really am sorry that I can't lie.
8. I will eventually stop believing lies that are meant to protect my delicate feelings.
9. I don't care how much you claim to listen or read this, you aren't going to GET or UNDERSTAND me.
10. The sun is sinking...

Beware the darkness of night. For myself, I shall give up fear. I shall walk in the dark. I shall leap from the cliff. I will face the unkown. I will even dance with it if it desires.

"I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

Plumb

Bring on my dancing girls, swaying so sweetly
They fit in your hand so neatly
Or so you think until those legs rise
Up and over and you find your eyes
Can not begin to comprehend
Where they start, where they end

Bring on my dancing girls, with swishing hips,
Dark lashes, darker eyes, pouting lips
That pull you into something you can't recall
When you wake up, find you have begun to fall
And even you have no power to sway
Like the words my girls can say

Bring on my dancing girls, summoning sleep
To calm your heart, make you forget to weep
As you fall asleep to the sound of feet
Hitting the ground in a gentle beat
And when you wake with this girl to hold
So close that you can't feel the cold...

The weather has taken a turn for the damp and dreary. It just isn't creepy, so I will put my complaint in that phrase and move on. It hasn't quite smothered my sunshine though. I spent some time dancing through stores, amusing the norms, and drooling over candy (all related, I am sure) last night. I believe a good time was had by all except the candy bar that met an untimely demise by hobbit mastication...

I did find a partial cure for the dreariness. I spent a fair portion of the evening cooking and scrubbing. How do these two things make the world a better place? Well, it no longer looks like it snowed in my living room. I have clean storage containers. I have clean spoons. I ate something delicious that I did not heat up in the microfiche. Behold the blessings of parsley. Of course, this means I didn't get very far in my obsessive reading of Harry Potter and I didn't throw away anything that wasn't food-related. That does make me a little sad, but I also have clean sheets on my bed, so I will ignore the sadness while I ponder slipping under my sheets and snuggling, well, me...Who else would I snuggle? Really...

Click it--again and again for the rest of the month. Thanks!

And now for lyrics that will be totally misconstrued:

"Just when I believed I couldn't ever want for more
This ever changing world pushes me through another door
I saw you smile
And my mind could not erase the beauty of you face
Just for awhile
Won't you let me shelter you

Hold on to the nights
Hold on to the memories
I wish that I could give you something more
That I could be yours

How do we explain something that took us by surprise
Promises in vain, love that is real but in disguise
What happens now
Do we break another rule
Let our lovers play the fool
I don't know how
To stop feeling this way...

Well, I think that I've been true to everybody else but me
And the way I feel about you makes my heart long to be free
Everytime I look into your eyes, I'm helplessly aware
That the someone I've been searching for is right there"

~Richard Marx

So I was pondering breakfast, second breakfast and elevenses today, and I came up with a diagnosis for hobbits. I believe they were trying to maintain their blood sugar with all of these meals throughout the day. I know that other theories exist, but I like mine the best--for today.

"Life is short but a smile takes barely a second." ~Cuban Proverb

"A warm smile is the universal language of kindness." ~William Arthur Ward

"Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you." ~Sam Keen

"Take a day to heal from the lies you¡Çve told yourself and the ones that have been told to you." ~Maya Angelou

I sometimes just drape across my bed and stare up at the ceiling, letting my mind wander. I know that is surprising to the few people who have never seen me drape. I find that my mind is often crowded with the things I want to say to people that I am too afraid they will not take in the way I mean them. These thoughts can range from, "I really do love you in my way," to "It was never what you thought it was, so quit pretending" to the much harsher "You need to stop pushing before you stab yourself." Lately, however, my thoughts have been turned to those who, like myself, are not quite attaining every thing that they could attain. Maybe we are trying our best and the world is out to get us (classic defeatism and paranoia mix), but maybe we are not concentrating our efforts in the right direction.

In some cases, I fear that my prodigy friends are not accepting all that they have to offer. Do you not see how important you are? Do you really think you have no purpose? Why don't you chase your dreams? Why do you feel so incapable of controlling your own destiny? Do you need answers to these questions? Do you just need a solution?

I know you are getting a lot of advice right now. I know that every one is assuring you that it is love that opens their mouths. Trust them. Trust me. It is love that causes us to want to help you move forward. It is love that makes us see in you a vast wealth of potential--love and the obvious fact that you are talented. What are your talents? I know you don't really need me to tell you that. Look into your heart. Look around your room. So now to get moving in the right direction...

You're driving down the road of life, you see a sign that says "One Way: Do Not Enter" before the road you want to travel on, so you just turn around and go back the way you came? Of course not, you find your way to the other end of that road. You find the path that leads where you want to go even if you have to drive through Fairmont or Pittsburgh to get there (*wink wink*). What is that path? I can not tell you. I am merely a thinker not a personal GPS. You have to evaluate where you are going, make a plan to get there, and follow that plan. So where do you start? Make a decision...Just make a decision. And if you need some help along the way, let me know because I love you and I can give you a shoulder to cry on, a hand to pull you up when things seem the roughest, and the occasional cookie to bolster your strength.

Side note to readers: This may not actually have anything to do with you (since it is my sisters I worry about most), so disregard it if you like.

The park seemed beset by hobbits this evening. A lot of the young ghouls were going without shoes. It was not too surprising at the beginning of the evening, but the chill took over and even I was considering the joy of shoes. I was also envying anyone in a fuzzy, padded costume. That's what happens when you dress like my version of a harlot.

I spent some time discussing harlots today, actually. We discussed Revelations in class. Anyone who has done an in depth look at this charming book knows that it mentions harlots a lot. I have to love figurative language and symbols. At least, I hear a rumor that I do.

Some friends also expressed concern about the continuing trend of lost clothing in the world today. It appears I was not the only one disturbed to find that even teenagers are encouraged to wear as little fabric as possible. The concept doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but it is a current trend. In a world where people freak out about skin cancer and pollution, we want to expose our skin to more sun and more pollutants. I love it. You love it. Let's all go put on a tiny tutu and wander down High Street. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm going to bed...