I look forward to the future just like everyone else. Just like everyone, I often find that I can not see what lies there. I can plan for some things like purchasing sexy yodamobiles and shiny blue clocks (errr...cell phones), but some things are beyond my control. Despite the fact that I can see them through a hazy veil doesn't mean I understand them. I have a few friends, however, who try to help me part that veil. Perhaps, if they made their intentions more clear, we could answer the questions they have more easily.

Among other questions that have left me perplexed this week is the one of similarities. Of course, I always wonder why exactly people want to find our similarities. I know that there have to be some to bring people together, but when the most important similarities are met, I find that the differences between two people are what can help them draw closer.(Besides, being too similar is not always a good thing. Most people who are too much alike butt heads and violence ensues.) We all have strengths and weaknesses. If we find someone whose strengths compliment our weaknesses and vice versa, shouldn't we take advantage of that? After all we do need each other.

Let me do the unusual and try to clarify. If I am a miserable guitar player but I can sing and want to start a band, I will look for someone who is a good guitar player. Or, to go back to the movie I watched last night, if I can write fabulous lyrics, but I can't compose, I have to find someone to help me write my next hit song. If I am terrible at keeping track of my finances, but I find that my roomie is fabulous with money, I could ask them to help me keep track of my money (for the record, this has not been the case--sorry, Aravan, but I don't trust you with my calculator). So sometimes, we really are looking for the wrong thing. Odd, I think I just explained why people need to stop trying to convince me and guys they think are like me to run into each other's arms and create chaos.

So I am looking into my crystal ball now. Let us see what I see ahead of me in the upcoming months. I see fabric--lots of fabric. I see microfiche. I see boxes, lots and lots of boxes that I relocate from the trash to the cage. I see words, lots and lots of words in various places. I see ongoing pursuits of things I could live without but have a feeling I am supposed to pursue (like cookies and ...) I also see this entry ending since I have nothing else to rant about and a huge pile of things in my floor that want attention. (That's right, this diva is too poor to afford a maid and frequently feels like one.)

So a country song keeps playing through my head. "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw. It is bouncing through my head. I believe it is honored to be there. I begin to think I need to do that. After all, from the day we're born, we are dying. Some friends of mine have mentioned it before and I usually pass it off as rather negative thinking, but, of late, I have developed and nurtured the idea that apparently it is me who is thinking negatively and wrong. Besides, even if we live to be a hundred, we can still die a million ways before we finally hit the milestone of actual death that leaves us lined up to find out what eternity is really like for certain.

Uncertainty can be our biggest inhibitor. I personally hate not knowing. It takes a lot more faith to leap when you don't know the outcome for sure. Of course, I fear I push the issue and make the end less positive, but that happens when we try to rewrite a novel that has already been written. Not everyone does it as well as Disney. I know some readers may look confused. I refer you to Disney's charming "Hunchback of Notre Dame" and defy you to tell me that it is exactly the same as Victor Hugo's "Notre Dame de Paris". Go ahead and compare them, you'll be quite astonished by the differences. I prefer the original. The love there is more like the love that eludes me. Even those with cold hearts have had those moments when they understood what it was like to let love make fools of us...

I wonder why I am back here again. It is 2:30 a.m. and I have failed at my goal of going to sleep. I seem to fail at so many goals, but I don't know why. My stomach has been crunching up in knots before I go to sleep since Friday night. I have no explanation for this. Actually, I do. It is, as a point of fact, completely logical if you accept certain qualities about me to be true and accurate. I find more and more that people don't listen to what I am saying, so they don't understand me and then they take offense or talk down to me.

For instance, I was talking to someone about the many activities that may or may not occur today, listing them in order, stressing that they were not all happening at once. I did say, "after" a couple of times. I consider that stressing. The person in question proceeded to ask me which activity I was attending. I restated that I was going to try to make it to all of them if I felt up to it. They then asked who was going to attend. I never claimed I was a super-psychic, so I couldn't answer that. It turns out they wanted to figure out who to get a ride from to one activity because they didn't catch that the activities were going to probably be the Mormon equivalent of a pub crawl. Instead of going from bar to bar to bar, we would be going from place to place to place to get exercise, sun, and random fun memories. I have no idea how I made this unclear, but I do know it must have been me because a lot of people haven't been following anything I say for years.

So my niece is turning a whole year old today. This means she is seventeen years closer to breaking the hearts of eligible young bachelors. This also means she is two years away from being old enough (according to the packaging) for the joy of My Little Ponies. Life is just full of time markers such as that one. I am not sure I have any more of those to look for. I can already play all the board games I come across, and I am old enough not to put small items in my mouth that can choke me.

Awake Again to More Ideas

So I managed to awaken to another holiday. I had a healthy piece of strawberry rhubarb pie for breakfast. After driving about at two in the morning, I figured I could use the sugar rush to help me through my day. I also ate a super pretzel. Obviously, I am not on a health food kick these days.

Then I ventured out to become a rock hugger. I have officially rappelled (poorly) twice now. I am still alive. Anyone can now have faith that they will survive such an experience. Mmmm. Somehow, I am really tired. Maybe I'll say more tomorrow, but probably not.

My Boston wife has a theory on relationships and how they make people act like they are omniscient. Her theory tends to prove correct. I also have a theory that relationships can change people. Some people become better and others become more child-like. During our excursions yesterday, I got to see these qualities played out. I even saw it in myself. When I stood with one group, I acted about as mature as your average second grader. When I moved to another group, I was transported to a place where my mind wanted to expand everything and take it all in. And when I was snuggling with the cliff? Well, the cliff told me not to kiss and tell...

Today was rather uneventful. I had to liven it up by finally returning some phone calls and bragging about how sexy the Yoda-mobile is. I then proceeded to take a walk with a friend of mine. I ranted and rambled during our walk, which I think I need to try not to do so much. My ranting is not as much of a stress reliever as one would think. I did enjoy the walk though, and we will definitely do it again. I recommend these appreciation therapy walks to all my readers. So want to take a walk with me???

I see your candle burning to bring me back
But when I knock, your eyes tend to lack
Recognition that your flame burns my wings
Open my heart, causes this fire that sings
Of a love that could bring us both to peace
And I look into your eyes beg for release
From the need to feel you draw me in
Hold me close, promise there is no end
To your ability to love someone like me
For I can not breath, I can only see
This flame burning, telling me to come to you
But I can do nothing unless you see too

I bumped into an old friend today. It brought back some interesting memories of my youth. It also reminded me of how little people seem to know me. First, I was asked if I was married (not in general but to a particular person who doesn't deserve that honor.) This was followed up by a question about whether or not I was taking a smoke break. Okay, raise your hand if you have ever seen me smoke anything??? Yeah, you with the hand up in the air, your memory is faulty, so I recommend having your name tattooed on your hand in case you ever need to use it (your name...not your hand, but I suppose it could go either way).

Of course, the rest of the day was a little less exciting. I am still in the middle of battling a million and one projects. It seems I never find an end to them. I also never find an end to the numbers of people who want to prove me right. It gets a little bad when you tire of being right about the people around you and their intentions with broomsticks....

So I found some whitening strip samples at work this morning. Knowing that my taste buds are incredibly sensitive, I decided to try out one of these fascinating little inventions. My tongue decided to inform me that I had swallowed pool water. This didn't exactly make me feel too healthy. It just boggles my mind that I would put something with chemicals that are supposed to wash away the stains on ones teeth in my mouth. Some days, even I don't understand why I do the things that I do.

It is another day for appreciating one of the beautiful women in my world. She is charming. She is gorgeous. She is sweet. She is faithful. More importantly, she personifies everything a friend should be. She is willing to listen to me ramble. She knows that I am here for her. She trusts me. She can be trusted. She never forgets me despite the miles and miles that may separate us. I hope she is having a lovely birthday.

I want to say something deep and meaningful. I want to make people suddenly see the world for what it is. I lack the words. If this makes any sense at all, it is nothing short of a miracle. Pain has lodged itself firmly in my head and only leaves from time to time. I'd worry if I weren't so convinced these bizarre problems are a figment of my imagination--much like myself....

I've spent much of the day bouncing between my moods. It is not quite time for the lithium drip, but those days may be coming. We just had far too much fun at Monday Mormon Moments last night. We played our own versions of some "Whose Line" games. This always results in random hilarity and me confessing that I bathe with rutabagas. These memories are what make me laugh.

Then my brain wanders down far too familiar paths and I realize that I still have way too many things in my world. I have too many projects to finish and too much stuff free floating through my house that I would have forgotten about if I was anyone but me. The fact that I remember that I have it does not validate its existence. With my ongoing desire not to receive items that have no practical use, I have to look at all such items already in my possession and start waving good-bye to them.

Perhaps, what I have chosen to write does not exhibit the expected reflection for today. I believe I have already expressed my regret for the way that we treat other people. I just wonder how many people use this day as a reason to feed their bitterness and not reach out to those around us. Isn't it that sort of apathy that has led us to where we are today? I can sit here and write a million words. My readers can agree with them without completely understanding them. My readers can also choose to think me harsh, cruel, insensitive, or even arrogant. Perhaps, I am all of those things. Or is it more likely that even here, especially here, we still misunderstand each other.

"I'm just a simple girl
In a high tech digital world
I really try to understand
All the powers that rule this land
They say Miss J's big butt is boss
Kate Moss can't find a job
In a world of post modern fad
What was good now is bad

~Jewel

So my cat has taken to being totally inappropriate. Let's just say his behavior towards me is now akin to some other men I know. That is not boding well for him (or them but denial can be a powerful motivation for blindness). I have yet to figure out why the people who love me have to behave so poorly when I don't sink to my knees and worship them. I don't need another God. In fact, I believe such a thing is expressly forbidden. Of course, this is assuming that you have read the Old Testament or even went to Sunday school. The Ten Commandments are pretty well-known...

I find that working out the tangles and snarls takes entirely too long. Then again, I have a penchant for procrastination, so I have no right to complain. The urge to clear out the piles that I have hardly glanced at for the past four years is finally winning out. The garbage men may be astonished to find more than one bag of trash on my curb sometime in the near future.

Of course, all this sorting just adds to my growing list of projects. I have dresses, costumes, poems, novels, toys, alterations, recipes, information of all varieties, and so much more that needs my attention. I even have a guitar buried in my room. Can you imagine me stepping even further into divadom and writing music? I am already halfway there. I do write poetry...

"Love is not measured by how many times you touch each other but by how many times you reach each other." ~Cathy Morancy

"To love means never to be afraid of the windstorms of life; should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of the carvings." ~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1926-2004)

"Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it." ~Song of Songs 8:7

"Train a child in the way he should go, and walk there yourself once in a while." ~American Proverb

"My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it." ~Clarence Budington Kelland

"For what cannot be cured, patience is best." ~Irish Proverb

"Patience and passage of time do more than strength and fury." ~Jean de la Fontaine

"One ought to examine himself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." ~Moliere (1622-1673)

"Let us be a little humble; let us think that the truth may not perhaps be entirely with us." ~Jawaharlal Nehru (1889-1964)

"Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breath more;
Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more;
And all good things are yours." ~Swedish Proverb

"If it were not for hope, the heart would break." ~Thomas Fuller

It's a morbid thought. It's like one of those sick paper topics that they give us in high school to prompt us to think (and write). It's like those little boxes on profiles that ask us to describe ourselves in five hundred words or less. Yet this is what I choose to ponder on a Friday afternoon. If I died today, what impact would I have left on the world?

In contemplating this, I must address the fact that I have been trying to save more words for these journal entries and other textual expression. In order to do this, I stole them away from some other windows where I find people are inclined to jump to the wrong conclusions when I bother to speak. It took about three and a half hours for someone to become so at a loss for my words that they sought other ways of getting me to respond. Odd, since this person has asserted they have no need for me.

A little later on, another friend of mine caught me doing the unthinkable. I was giving random strangers directions. I only hope they were able to figure out what I was talking about. I tend to turn around a lot and keep trying to tell my right from left. Inevitably, he probably ended up in Fairmont. *gasp* He really could have ended up in Fairmont...

The rest of the day was spent in less purposeful amusements like watching television. However, another Christmas present is unfolding. It's huge. I am afraid I may never finish it. Hold your breath for me?

People try to stretch everything from their clothes, to Armstrong, to the truth, to their own muscles. How far can a thing go? Will it ever recover its original shape? What about us? If we stretch ourselves too thin, can we ever bring ourselves back to that perfect form? Sounds like a deep theological discussion, doesn't it?

So what am I? What is my original shape? I could make some vulgar comments about that. What I see on the outside, however, doesn't shape me quite as much as what I am on the inside. I believe, in point of fact, that what I am on the inside shapes who I am on the outside. This is why people want to ask me questions even on my frumpiest day. This is why people suddenly see me as thinner though I haven't actually lost a signifigant amount of weight.

So what am I? I know many people have tried to figure it out. The fact that I am a diva and a drama queen, a poet and a pastry chef, a hobbit and a happy dancer are plainly displayed in entries I have made in the past. I hope that the fact that I am incurably (not to mention contentedly) Mormon has not been lost on my reader. It has taken me far too long to come to grips with some of my qualities. After all, I learned to drive much later than most people, but my affection for hot cars is now a source of amusement (and annoyance after too much drooling) to many of my friends.

Weird as I am preparing this for printing, one of my friends sent me a totally unexpected response to a message to her. Apparently, I really am a good person. Who would have thought?

"You have the power to heal your life, and you need to know that. We think so often that we are helpless, but we're not. We always have the power of our minds--Claim and consciously use your power." ~Louise L. Hay

"You have to know you can win. You have to think you can win. You have to feel you can win." ~Sugar Ray Leonard

So when the army reaches the fortress, they can choose to take the fortress or wait for a better time. A better time fir a siege can always be found. Any time is better than the present after all...

So it occurs to me that a serious communication error keeps people from seeing me for who I am. What's that? They don't take me seriously. Beneath those jokes about divas and my ability to drive rather poorly. I guess I just have to find a way to make the world see me for who I am or at least anyone in this world who matters...

Ever feel that cold, heavy weight pulling you under? Weighed down by other people's expectations, how is one supposed to ever accomplish anything. I tire of constantly being told what is expected from me. From making quilts to baking cookies to finishing any project in twenty seconds or less to making everyone feel like a prince or a princess, my life can tend to leech the life out of me. It isn't as if I don't appreciate the perception that I am a domestic super goddess. I just would appreciate people not expecting the whole world from me. And any reader of this journal already knows that I also don't appreciate people just assuming they know me.

Confusion? Some friends presented me with my very own copy of the first Harry Potter yesterday. Another friend looked completely astonished that I intend to read it? This is when I come up with the irreversible thought of, "Hello??? Do you know me at all???" Even my fifth grade teacher had no questions as to who read the most books in her class, so why would I not read one of the most read books of recent years??? Granted it is not Agatha or J. R. R., but J. K. will be just fine for me. I do tend to be rather versatile.

I also got the joy of playing boccie again this evening. This is a game where you throw big balls at a little tiny ball. I know just how that tiny ball feels. He's alone on the grass and suddenly, these huge balls start vying to get as close to him as possible. Sometimes they even whap into him and send him rolling across the grass again. I guess I should just apply this evening's lesson and be grateful I am not a boccie ball.

"Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand...

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand...

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later..."

~Three Days Grace

"To attract good fortune, spend a new penny on an old friend, share an old pleasure with a new friend and lift up the heart of a true friend by writing his name on the wings of a dragon." ~Chinese Proverb

"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost." ~Charles Caleb Colton

"As you noted, I am very strange, so who knows what I can do?" ~Ted from "Hearts in Atlantis"

"When the fruit is scarcest, its taste is sweetest." ~Irish Proverb

"Praise, like gold and diamonds, owes its value only to its scarcity." ~Samuel Johnson

Giving second chances is generally accepted as the merciful option. I often wonder if giving first chances is even worth the trial. I know I am not alone in this. I know because I am frequently not even given a first chance. I am judged and executed before a word in my defense has passed my lips. Now, I can not claim that I do not judge. I just don't listen to my judgment. In the vast majority of cases, I find that my assessment was correct. So why do I bother? If I cut out the first, second, third, etc. chances that I give to other people, I could accomplish so much more than fretting about an outcome I already know.

I spent some time this morning admiring the spotted ratfish. I think my curiosity was aroused by the description that implied the ratfish was rather hideous. I think he is rather adorable, but then again, have you seen me?

I have been thinking a lot about Frogger lately. You may recall the game where you try to get the squishy, lovable frog across a busy street without him getting slammed by a car. Some days it is exactly like that to walk through this town. I almost got to be the squished frog yesterday. It may have been a result of inattention on my part because I didn't remember that in this town one should always look both ways on a one way street.

What the hail? Yes. I said hail. Last night a hail storm descended upon us. This found me roaming around in the icy marsh with no shoes on (I told you, okay, I really am a hobbit). It wouldn't have made any difference to have shoes on my feet. They would have been ruined and my feet would have still been cold and wet. Maybe I should invest in a super hot pair of galoshes. I'll add that to my possible purchases list.

My friend Becca (not to be confused with Bekah) was in the Orchestra performance last night, so she got three friends and I tickets to come and see it. I learned a couple of things from this experience. First, nothing makes you quite as popular as wandering around the CAC with a pie. Everyone wants to chat with you and sniff the pie. Second, my voice really does carry. I already knew this, but apparently, I needed reminded. I think the acoustics in the room help. Third, I am rude. My apologies to those who overheard snippets of conversation about wives, plucking, pie, and ratfish adoption. Of course, the person who complained didn't come back for the second half. This means he didn't get to bask in my silence. Poor fellow.

Anyway, the concert was fantastic. My daughter-in-law complained about the decor. I explained that it was functional not aesthetic, but she still didn't like it. Luckily, my mind filled in pictures to go with the music. At one point, it decided to play snippets of Tom and Jerry skittering about their cartoon house, which was very appropriate. My favorite, however, was the dancing ents. "Anything worth dancing is worth dancing slowly."

So I didn't roll in until about three this morning. I stress the roll. I definitely ate enough delectable foods to warrant needing to go out and buy new pants. Sadly, the day is not looking like it leaves time for casual shopping...

Last night didn't have any time for casual shopping either. I had two activities scheduled half an hour from each other. One started at six and the other at seven. This resulted in me missing all but two of the talents being displayed by my friends. I did manage to see a friend do the Napoleon Dynamite dance. That was pretty exciting. We wrapped things up with karaoke. As always, commentary was made about how normal people have to drink to embarrass themselves like that. We kept going for quite a while. The girls got more rowdy after all the boys went to watch a disappointing football game.

Today was spent in the way that this hobbit normally spends her weekends. I cleaned, cleaned, sewed and otherwise tried to put things in order. Anyway, back to that...