It's May Day. Somehow I don't have much to say to my readers. Maybe someone else will find an outlet for my words.

Some days it is better to not open your brain. Luckily, most people don't open their brains. Thus they remain oblivious to what is totally obvious to those of us who have spent far too much time staring at pictures of oneself while thinking on their best friend's birthday. Happy birthday, my darling Boston wife.

I am tired of being afraid that I am not good enough. I am tired of being afraid that I will fall. I am tired of being afraid that I am going to hurt someone else. I am tired of being afraid to step outside and just be myself. I am tired of being so afraid that the world is going to get away that I wear myself out. I am tired of being afraid to say, "Hey, appreciate me!"

What are you afraid of? I hope you are not afraid to help out a hobbit, so if you know someone in need of a baby quilt or journal, refer them here (I will post more stuff when I get a chance). I also can do special orders, so if someone needs something, they can post to my guestbook or e-mail me.

Somewhere in the world it is five in the morning. Someone is lying in bed, wondering why they are awake. Perhaps, they know and wish they were still asleep because they are so afraid of messing things up. Maybe they are still holding on to hope and hoping that this time they have not fooled themselves into a love that will rip them open again. Maybe they already feel the blood pouring out and the tears are falling. Maybe they are just waiting one more hour before they stumble out of bed and try to prove to themselves that they can do everything and accept every blessing that might be sent their way even if they have to fight for it.

Somewhere in the world it is ten in the morning. Someone is sitting so close to the person they love that they are wrapped in warmth. A certain silence has fallen. Both are lost in thought, but a certain peace has come with the silence. Though they are so close that they should feel all their fears incited, neither moves. Barriers that should not be broken remain. Yet both are silently trapped by their fears whatever those fears and insecurities may be. The silence is broken and the distance begins to grow again though both seem to want to hold onto this closeness...

Somewhere in the world it is ten in the evening. The day has passed. Two have gone separate ways again. One waits in the darkness, knowing they must be patient, but not knowing what the other thinks. Has the other thought about the day or just the next required party appearance. One can not help but wonder why all of this seems to matter so much in this moment. Somewhere someone wants to believe that solitude is the only solution...

Somewhere in the world, a heart is pouring out lyrics that no other heart dares to understand. The whole world is singing a song. Some songs are similar, but most are different as people are different. So how then, does one learn to sing a duet???

It's amazing how a scratch on my thigh
Can work its way up to my heart
And a tear slowly coming to my eye
Can wash away everything, tear apart
Those thick threads of sanity
That bound me close, made me whole
Gave a little bit of piece to me
Convinced me to keep control
Of this pain that washes me again
Reminding me that I can hurt so
For another's imagined sin
That I die with none to know...

It is amazing how unrelated things can come together and cause me to ache all over.

I received yet another e-mail telling me I am nominated for poet of the year. Anyone agree with that so much that they want to donate about $600 for me to attend a conference in Las Vegas?

I have made decisions toward my attitude today that I hope carry on into the rest of the week. I'll share them with the world, so they can be critiqued, accepted, rejected, and mulled over.

1. If I am the only one fighting, it is probably worth the fight, but we are all going to lose.

2. No one can ever degrade me like I do, so I need to stop.

3. I really can't save the whole world at once.

4. I really can't use all of my talents at the same time.

5. Someone out there is going to finally realize how much I am worth. I just have to let them.

6. I think I have written this list before. This makes me sad.

I am sitting at empty. My tank is no longer full. I don't know how far it is to the next station, but I am keeping one foot on the gas and one eye on the gage. Hopefully, I make it until the fuel is affordable again. Fuel prices are, of course, on everyone's minds right now. I am even considering the idea of walking to and from work. I am just not sure how my co-workers would feel about finding a sweaty hobbit in my cubicle each morning.

I have a friend who is constantly humming, whistling, or singing. I think he may even whistle underwater, but I have never tested this theory. I may also never get the chance as he is wisely fleeing his current environs for a warm and sunny place. As my mood has been less than stellar this week, I decided perhaps I should try a little music therapy. I finally got the Finger 11 album that I have been wanting since the very first time "Paralyzer" came into my realm of knowledge. I have discovered that not only do I love to dance to this song (picture that--go ahead), but it brings out both my diva and my inner speed demon. Shhhh, don't tell the police that the yodamobile can go faster than the hobbitmobile.

A lot can be said for a day on the town. I woke up early to take another fabulous road trip to the city that lives for Penguins. The main point of this trip was to visit a museum. Have you done this? It can be quite an experience if you take the right people. Our group had someone who already knew about all the exhibits as well as other uber-geeks.

The most notable of the exhibits were one where a mannequin was wearing a shower curtain. If it works for Scarlett, it can work for you, too. Everyone knows the odds of seeing me in a set of curtains some day is pretty good. I may even post them on the internet to encourage (or discourage) the reading of this journal. Of course, my first major action was to announce that a dinosaur painted with a variety of colorful birds needed a hug. He looked like he wanted to hug someone a little thinner than me (maybe Paris Hilton), so I didn't force myself into his tiny little arms.

We also rode in the stratovator. That could have been more exciting if my friends had let me rewrite an Aerosmith song for the occasion, but they looked disturbed by the idea. Instead, I practiced my maturity by knocking on the door. I believe the small children waiting outside were amused, but their parents looked like they expected to find that another child was pouring out of the room. Luckily, the exciting coal miner guy inside probably made them forget all that confusion.

We also explored the architecture of some foreign countries, but they don't let hobbits wearing shoes go behind those huge doors. Of course, the hobbit hasn't been having much luck opening wooden doors that have been closed lately, so I was not too surprised. Eventually, despite failing to kidnap a flying squirrel, leopard, butterfly, or incredibly adorable marmot, we found a room with lots of cheeks and a sculpture that I swear resembles a former president, but the picture I have didn't do it justice. Anyway, I could go on for days, but I made the mistake of realizing that it is late. Sweet dreams...

So this weekend has been rather eventful. I learned all about the intricate working of beer pong from representatives of two fraternities. It was quite an experience for the only sober person in attendance. Now I can go out an write the great American novel about college life and feel that I know what I am talking about. Maybe not though I would love to be paid to daydream all day. Apparently, I am rather good at it.

So I spent some quality time with my television and a quilt today. The quilt has not left my "to do" pile, but I have acquired a greater knowledge of the work of you Miss Shirley Temple. I wonder if I could be as adorable with 56 perfect pin curls twisting out away from my ears and face. Somehow, I believe that is not possible, but if you wish to weigh in, please send me an e-mail.

So I am not alone in wanting to do everything that I possibly can before my time has been spent. I seem to be alone in trying to do so, however. I have a lot of love to give which gets in the way. How does one become so cold that they can look right past those they care about at a shimmering promise of wealth? Have we really sunk so low?

"The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of the people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature" ~Ezra Taft Benson: Ensign, Nov. 1985