I have a theory that the world is not out to get me. I haven't proved it entirely correct yet, but a small portion of my brain is working out a test to prove this theory. Too many people seem to think that the whole world is entirely about them. It really isn't, and if we aren't willing to let some things roll over us (especially when they aren't our business), we're just going to hurt the people we are trying to set ourselves up as saviors and leaders of. I have one savior and a few leaders, and, I assure you, none of them tried to force themselves into the position they hold. (If only the same were true in the case of some of my "friends", but that is another story for a much cooler day).

I also have a theory that by conserving a little bit of energy, I am doing some good in this world. I may be being influenced by the news articles about power outages due to people cranking the AC. I admit that my AC is on, but I am trying to keep it at the lowest tolerable level. I have also been resisting the urge to vacuum repeatedly, but that is going against my theory that I am turning into a neurotic cleaner.

The theory may be wrong, but even while my poor body is begging to be dipped in a vat of ice and left there until the heat breaks, I am still thinking about the things I want to scrub in my house. In fact, I could probably scrub the house. Anyone have an industrial strength power wash? Man, I could so use a power wash...

I can't help but wonder (I am always wondering about something) if we fall far too short of what we're meant to be because we're chasing impossible dreams. We want the leisure time to do anything we desire and the money to afford it, but a lot of our finest moments come from doing things others would consider work. For instance, many people might consider updating this journal work. After all, I do add the content by hand, and sometimes I include stories, poems, trivia, and other miscellany that other people charge for. However, despite my many assurances that I will accept donations to the Perpetual Hobbit Happiness Fund, no one has got up the nerve to donate yet.

Due to a lack of funds, when I come home from a day with the fiche (and the fish--more on that later), I have to find cheap forms of entertainment. Today, I decided to remove some fur from the room. In case people come over, I don't want them to confuse massive layers of cat fur with the carpet or the pattern on the couch. I even went wild and washed curtains. After three years, I have finally accomplished what seemed impossible--all the curtains are positioned correctly. They have two colors and the colors on the window farthest to the left have always been facing the wrong way. After a while I got used to it, but the neurosis resulting from this change may bring back that spark of mirth and youth this journal used to have.

Anyway, it is about time I addressed the issue of fish. I have a little visitor on my desk named Jonah. His mommy went on vacation and felt that my in depth work with fiche qualified me to care for him. This is technically day six of my fish care service and he still seems to be doing well. One of my coworkers was trying to convince me to sing to him, but I am no siren, so I didn't pop onto an island and lure men to their doom. Or did I? Some days, I get the feeling some people think that is what kind of woman I am. Jonah knows better than that though. He knows I am a cat lady. I catch him trying to hide behind the butterflies painted on his bowl in case I get the munchies. Lucky him, that I am not into sushi because the butterfly he likes best is half his size.

TOP TEN PICK-UP LINES NOT TO USE ON A FISH

10. Want to get baked?
9. I wonder how you would taste...with tartar sauce.
8. I heard there were other fish in this sea.
7. I love the way you wiggle your fins.
6. Are those your gills or are you...
5. Your anemone or mine [a little clownfish humor].
4. If I was a shark, I'd eat you up. I still may.
3. I want to balance your scales.
2. Put away that fishing pole, you already found the catch of the day.
1. Admit it. You're hooked on me.

I am not just referring to the fabulous fish fossils that have been impressing mankind for centuries. The right fish, like the right person, can leave an impression on you. Jonah gives me the impression that swimming around is fun. He seems to enjoy it more than your average fiche does, anyway. Maybe I should let him play with the fiche. That is what I've been up to all day. Of course, I would rather be playing with a beautiful lady who is celebrating a birthday today.

"The crowning attribute that leads to joy is love of God." ~Russell M. Nelson (Ensign, November 1986, p. 69.)

Existence is a strange bargain. Life owes us little; we owe it everything. The only true happiness comes from squandering ourselves for a purpose. ~William Cowper (1731-1800)

I don't want to be a passenger in my own life. ~Diane Ackerman

I didn't actually enter a contest, but on some level or another, I feel I won one this morning. On my way to work, I got caught in a downpour. For those who haven't heard this lament before, when I do this without an umbrella, I always seem to be wearing a white shirt. Thus I spent an hour with one of the handy dandy heaters we have in the office blowing on me to dry me off. I wouldn't want to get accused of attempting to seduce my co-workers any more than I would actually want to seduce them. Nothing personal against the guys I work with, but they tend to be married or otherwise not interesting to me. It could be that I see them all the time at work. Why would I need to see them at home, too?

Anyway, since few people felt the need to come in today, no one found it at all odd. Of course, I've been amused all week by some similar circumstances in the office. Despite the heat wave going on outside, penguins could still abide peacefully in the sanctuary of the library. One of my co-workers has been wandering around bundled up in a blanket due to this. I just like to touch people with my icy cold hands. They secretly love it, but that feeling will fade when the weather cools down a bit.

In light of this being my last night of blissful solitude, I invited a few friends over to see the semi-clean house that my cats run when my roomie is away. We ate sugar. We played games. We sang and exchanged puns. Then they all ran away. I think it is because my reference to Chine...errr...Lil' Guy made them want to go home and eat something or just go home and sleep. Ah, sleep, my old suitor.

Sometimes we let ourselves fall safely into the niche that others create for us. We try so hard to be perfect friends, daughters, sisters, mothers, followers, leaders, examples, and somewhere in all of that, we lose the best person in the whole world--ourself. Have I ever mentioned how many ways there are to die? Spending too much time catering to fools is like suicide. Want to take a guess how many of you have pushed me into suicide more than once?

I've tried to explain it. I try to explain a lot of things. Of course, no one is listening and only a few are conceited enough to feel justified in telling me outright that they are not listening. Hard to believe most people anymore. A lot of them say one thing while their actions say another. It keeps me whirling, and I realize more and more I never should have been fool enough to come to this world. I should have stayed on my world and married my gorgeous Thor and made Asgard clone babies. Why? Well, it is much less messy and emotionally draining that dealing with relationships, foolish demands, miscommunication, medical bills, and post partum (which I hear is no fun at all). So raise a glass of sparkling white grape juice and hope you aren't pushing the wrong buttons to get me to serve you because it might just make me blink out of this plane of existence. Heh, I mixed my obsessive television metaphors. Hopefully, the rest of the day brings me back to my shore.

"I want to talk to the cat...when he is done licking himself." ~Psych

"If I am an angry man, it is my duty to pray for charity, which suffereth long and is kind." ~George Q. Cannon (MS, 56:261.)

Dropping names and false facts can make us feel more like we belong to this world. We can look for our solace in our lies. We can open up our mouths and speak lies, but it does not change who we are. We are insecure underneath our conceit. We are ugly beneath our moments of beauty because we haven't really accepted what we are supposed to be. How many of us are really meant to be the center of the universe? Knowing more than someone is saying is horrible, but not quite as terrible as thinking you understood when you couldn't.

My brother has been married for a year and a day and no wee one has made her way into this crazy mixed up world of ours as of my last check. Of course, they may decide not to tell me for fear I'll show up on their doorstep with a live sheep and a camera. Why the sheep would be necessary in this image, I do not know, but divas have to leave you guessing.

This next one is shocking. Please prepare to read it. I did forget to report on some info I received about one of my favorite things. That's right, I heard a nasty rumor about cell phones--those plastic pretties with random seams and buttons that you keep pressing up to your sweaty faces in the heat. Apparently, this causes bacteria to thrive on the surface of your cell phone. Yummy, eh? Maybe you should stock up on alcohol wipes and clean it off every now and then for fun or health.

Speaking of forgetting, I think I should remind people who are going to have the tags on their car renewed that the people in the sheriff's office get no pleasure from having to send you upstairs and then see you come back again, so make sure you have everything you need. I tried and failed again. I love wandering the fabulous halls of that lovely brick building though, so it's all okay. We all know I love going through the hassle of keeping my sexy car on the road.

I am glad I remembered to slap my new tag on my license plate before I ventured out onto the roads of this fabulous town. I had three cars try to inspect it quite intimately during the approximate six miles that I drove today. I want to believe that because otherwise those people who were almost close enough to kiss my bumper were blind or stupid otherwise. Three separate individuals (one in an SUV and two in big pick-ups) somehow felt compelled to use no following distance at all, as if this would cause me to move faster for their gratification. In all three cases, they couldn't have helped but notice the cars going just as slow as me in front of me or the old guy trying to cross the road since I have a tiny car that they could easily see over. Ah, but psychos always get what they want, don't they?

Feeding the fish. Filing the fiche. Battling the barcodes. Questing the question. Dropping the dice. Writing the world. Creating the credit. Earning the esteem. Cleaning the cooties. Waging the war. Waiting the window. Avoiding the anger. Repeating the riddle. Telling the tale. Hiding the heart. Finding the friend. Breathing the bull. Breaking the barrier. Feeling the funk. Having the hope. Toppling the tower. Rescuing the raving. Caressing the cat. Touting the truth. Quoting the quilt. Dreaming the design. Making the magic. Loving the liars. Healing the hearts. Restoring the rainbow. Being the Bella. Shooting at shadows. Remembering the real. Doing the dishes.

A day. A single average day for me can be filled with more than I could type even if I explained each little tidbit in detail. Not that any explanation would make it any clearer. Seems I repeat far too often the litany that you can not know me from these words (or any words), since you barely bother to read them or hear them. So why do you claim that you know? Why do people claim that they care when they only ask "how are you?" as a gateway to voicing their own problems? Anyone out there really know what grows inside me? Perhaps, Atraiu could answer that, but perhaps not.

Thus far the high point of the day was serenading myself with a random Monkees' song. This particular song seems to have made my cat feel he is not needed. As far as I can tell, he is not invading my space as per usual. Ah well, I suppose that elsewhere I shall find something that needs my attention more than this hideous riddle I leave for those who refuse to see. Onward to the space and time beyond my laughter and my pain (both of which I realize mean nothing).

I have never quite figured out why the expectations from me are always different than those of others. I have seen time and time again that I prove myself worthy of some degree of respect or advancement, yet I am still treated as if I know nothing. I have people trying to counsel me on aspects of my life that I don't find lacking because they assume that is the only way I can excel. I have people passing judgment on me for things I see other people do and get accolades for, yet when I do it, it just proves I am terrible. *shrug* I tire of waiting around for other people's convenience. I am not the backup to your current obsession. I don't actually have a lot of sympathy if you let people treat you like crap. I don't have a lot of sympathy that I let people overlook me. I realize I am short and thus easy to look over, but as I have mentioned, people in SUVs and pick-ups can't see over my tiny Omni, so something has to let go sometime. What happens when a hobbit's ropes snap? Do they suddenly grow tall, lose the hair on their feet, and become human with all the faults that humans exhibit? What a horror that would be.

And today's most randomly appropriate thought: People couldn't read me if I were written in Braille and they were blind perverts.

And today's randomly obscur thought: you're really thin, you have no chest hair, and you are trying way too hard to look sexy. You're creepy.

Some mornings I wake up and want very much to squeeze my cat. I am not talking about the way you squeeze Charmin. I am referring to the way you squeeze your alarm clock right before you toss it across the room. When his tummy clock goes off, his antics to awaken can be rather irritating. It recently occurred to me that my baby is fast approaching his 90s. I have had him since at least 1995, so you do the math. Keep in mind, he wasn't quite a kitten. Poor fellow is even preparing for those medic-alert commercials, complete with minor hip problems judging by his gait which was always weird to start with. He still plays like a kitten though. Lucky for me I am 709 years old or I wouldn't be able to be his momma, eh?

"It mattereth not whether the principle is popular or unpopular, I will always maintain a true principle, even if I stand alone in it." ~Joseph Smith (HC, 6:223.)

a darling little boy is turning one year older. Happy Birthday, Matthew.

Today was full of more of my ongoing need to sleep. I took a three hour nap without moving, apparently. My shoulder is not happy. In fact, I think it is considering moving to another magical location to escape my tyranny. Fortunately, I don't think it has that power.

Happy Birthday to Gail and Howard. Ah, what a month for birthdays, eh?

"That man is greatest and most blessed and joyful whose life most closely approaches the pattern of the Christ. This has nothing to do with earthly wealth, power, or prestige. The only true test of greatness, blessedness, joyfulness is how close a life can come to being like the Master, Jesus Christ. He is the right way, the full truth, and the abundant life." ~Ezra Taft Benson (Ensign, December 1988, p. 2.)

"No matter what a man is thought of by his fellow men,. . . if he is true, God is his friend, and he is rich indeed." ~David O. McKay (CR, October 1907, p. 60.)

So I woke up a little early this morning, despite the trauma of trying really hard not to hear the lady next door's conversation about her weight room, electric, and a few obscene expletives that kept filtering through my open window last night. You wouldn't believe how much energy is expended in trying not to listen to someone who is probably talking a bit too loud. My neighbors have probably had the same thought when I start on a topic of little interest to anyone but me--such as etiquette.

Anyway, that should have clued me in that it was going to be a bit of an unusual day. For months, all I have really had to talk about was the fact that the fiche are still with me (and always will be). Today, however, I snuck off into the mathematical realm again. I got to touch some fabulously dusty books that left my hands gray and my nose itchy. I couldn't help but notice that the binder that was binding them at one point used a heavy paper with a cobweb print inside the covers. Those particular books will have the honor of having cobwebs both inside and outside. What could be more amusing to a Halloween enthusiast than that? Dressing up every day, perhaps?

And of course, I had moments of rational and irrational thought. They follow me about and jumble together so horribly that even if I spent all night writing, I could not make anyone understand how it all blends together. I can find inspiration in a pinpoint of light, that second when the light turns green and I hesitate and wonder why until I realize people in the other two lanes are still at a halt, in that flicker of a smile that makes no sense, and the exchange of some thought between two people that I know involves me. Then there is always music and the way someone else's words remind me again of the world in which I find myself and the battle I wage to not let it take me.

"Couldn't take the blame
Sick with shame
Must be exhausting to lose your own game
Selfishly hated
No wonder you're jaded
You can't play the victim this time
And you're too late

So don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind" ~Evanescence

And with someone else's words, I challenge all the martyrs to prove their suppositions. I do not declare unto the world that I am loved by fools. The world declares it and the fools flee, crying. And it is all my fault. It is I who broke their hearts by not being the man and claiming their heart. It is I who am wrong for their choices. I tire of it. Perhaps, I speak of cats. Perhaps, I speak of friends. Perhaps, I just feel dying love for those who hold onto the knowledge that I will always be here waiting if their choice doesn't work. I regret to inform you that the perpetual waiter can not attend to your needs anymore. Something more powerful draws me further from fair weather friends, petulant suitors, and those who make demands of me that they would never fulfill for someone else. What? What on earth? What could be more important than YOU? Look outside yourself. It isn't hard to see.

This morning, my cat decided to wake me up from across the room where he was having far too much fun for five in the morning. He was playing with a plastic bag. He is a talented boy with the annoyance. I must take lessons from him.

"If our words are not consistent with our actions, they will never be heard above the thunder of our deeds." ~Burke Peterson (Ensign, November 1982, p. 43.)

It is important to remember not to lick other people's faces. I say this because you never know when the opportunity will arise and you will have to resist the temptation. Think about it. You know a lickable face. You may even know some irresistible eyebrows. Leave them alone. Someone please spread the message to Ziggy.

The day has been a chocolate haze for me. One of my co-workers returned from a trip to Europe with delectable chocolates in tow. Of course, being me, I had to appreciate each type individually. I may have actually overdosed and be passed out on my desk in a chocolate baked stupor. Then I am not really updating my journal and the world will be less full of my weird words and randomness.

Aside from chocolate appreciation, I spent the day in my usual educational vacuum, sucking up random information from intriguing names to fascinating math concepts. One of these days, I am going to find myself sucked in by curiosity. Then I am going to stick my head in one of these dusty old books until I come out knowing what exactly the point behind rho is in such and such an equation. Then maybe I'll go find myself a mathematician to crunch some numbers with. I have been led to believe I'd get more use out of a psychologist (or was it a psychiatrist), but that is only because they think the Ziggy, Rodney, and Lil' Guy that I speak of don't really exist. Trust me, they do exist, and I should go wear them down so they will let me sleep tonight.

I love to watch the groom. I love to see the mystified look on his face as bridesmaids and groomsmen make the slow walk down the aisle. I love to watch the way his face fills with anticipation as the bride's silhouette becomes visible on the other side of the frosted glass doors. Then his face changes. You can see his lip quiver, his eyes water. The door opens and the moment his bride steps forward in her white dress and long veil, how much he loves her is written there on his face for the whole world to view. Could I want anything else for one of my friends than a man who will love her, protect her, cherish her, and treat her with the respect and kindness she deserves? My Candy girl got married this weekend, and the only point of sadness in their vows for me was "as long as you both shall live". I am certain that even death won't make them stop adoring each other thus those particular vows weren't quite perfect, but other than that, it was a gorgeous wedding with another absolutely lovely bride.

Of course, the reception was not nearly as exciting. My wardrobe is summer challenged and the only shirt I could find to wear was made of white velvet. Baby Bethany who was sitting next to me in the church loved this fabric more than words. She kept petting me during the ceremony so I could know how my cat feels. This was adorable, but when we moved to a large open building with two window unit air conditioners and hundreds of well-wishers, the outfit wasn't feeling so lovely. Nor was I. I felt a bit like the Wicked Witch of the West, in fact, as I was quite noticeably melting. Sadly, this inspired me to cut out before anything too wild could happen (like random people dancing on the tables).

The next morning, I got up early to work on a talk I was presenting in church. Normally, they save me and my ramblings for those weeks when everyone is out of town. This time, I got to speak to a hundred plus people. I am not sure the the butterflies in the Bella belly have completely settled down yet. They may have even had so much fun bouncing about that they have taken up tennis. They'll be in better shape than me by the end of the week.

The afternoon was spent pondering my lesson for Monday Mormon Moments. I also baked a cake from a box and tried my hand at baklava. If I wasn't me, I'd marry me so I could keep me laden with sugar. Oh wait, I don't have to marry me. I can raid my fridge anytime that I want .

Sadly, despite my encouragement, Monday Mormon Moments didn't have a lot of new faces. Those of us who did attend had some fun with sheep. You know you wish you were there now.

Sometimes it is so wearying to chase cherubs while demons are chasing you. What if you just turned around and faced them head on? Would they take you over and mend what's broken so they could use you? Would you lose yourself or just the cherubs who should have known better than to run?

Sometimes it hurts to stare into the light when so much darkness wraps itself around you. What would happen if you put on your blinders and stepped into the dark? Would you finally see what it is that seems to entice those around you? Would you see what it is that has been stabbing you until your life's blood flows in thin trickles to lighten the darkness for a moment?

The second day of the semester has dawned again. The future leaders of our society have taken their first test. How many of them were able to walk home last night without walking into stationary objects along the way? How many of them remember last night? How many of them made the conscious decision not to leave their mark upon the streets of the university city? Judging from the sidewalks between my church and the book shelter, I would say "not enough".

It is always like this on the day after Fall Fest. I don't even want to imagine trying to teach half-deafened, bleary eyed students who are still trying to figure out if these are the same pants they wore last night, even a pair of their pants, and more importantly if that sour smell is them or the guy next to them who looks just as out of sorts. Luckily, I know that some students were able to keep their cool and were presentable and respectful to their teachers today. I saw a few of them hanging around the Institute building, looking wise, sober, and happy.

I spent most of the day counting. I am so glad that I graduated from first grade or this would be a difficult task. I love keeping statistics. Of course, keeping statistics isn't nearly as fun as trying to interpret them later. My last annual report was a thing of beauty, filled with projects that would make any sane person's eyes cross. Luckily, my eyes are already crossed on the inside, so I don't have to worry about that. I can continue to load up on what I like to think of as "game of life points". The category of work points is almost as impressive as my seven million neopoints. Ah, yes, I hit another goal this evening with a little help from some personality quizzes.

I also got to look at pictures of an adorable baby. My co-worker's son (who I find I have also worked with) had a wee one, so she has to show off the pictures. I may be joining her in the endeavor to fill the world with pictures of pretty babies soon. My charming niece hasn't joined us yet, but she should be making her escape any time now. Wish her luck.

So I decided to give Paris Hilton an honest assessment this morning. Having once done this with her television show, I should have known better. Her song is not bad. The beat is kind of catchy. The lyrics are pretty good. In fact, her voice isn't bad. It just isn't anything new and phenomenal. Just another breathy girl with a microphone. This means she probably will get quite a fan base. I prefer the "whiny" and "angry" girls for my part.

Some excitement did fill the bellies of many with laughter today. One of the university police vehicles had an unfortunate demise outside of the library this morning. I happened to look out the window and see a police car parked beside the church. Then I noticed another was parked beneath the window next to mine. The hood was up and a little cluster of men in uniform were poking something under the hood. Since no smoke was rolling out and no sirens were blaring, I went back to work.

A bit later, I peeked out the window and saw a very amused student making his way down the alley. Of course, I assumed it had something to do with the police car, so I peeked out that window. A tow truck had appeared on the scene to rescue the poor unfortunate automobile and take him to a doctor. After being thwarted by people who didn't want to move their cars (though I doubt they really should have been parked there) and students milling about (many with cell phones which made them oblivious to what was going on around them), they did finally manage to get the show on the road. I am sure many faces lit up with amusement as one of the university's finest was towed away (perhaps, for illegal parking ;).

So I was roaming about the town today. Okay, I rarely roam without a purpose. I was on my way back from picking up some paper plates and styrofoam cups (yes, I have just doomed the environment, I know). As is wisest in this town, I was waiting patiently for a safe moment to cross the street. Someone joined me at the corner, so I glanced at her. Then I glanced over again because she had some red streaks in her hair and I love free expression more than the average hobbit. Then she tilted her head up, looked at me and went "OH!", just as I was thinking, "I know her."

So it appears my second roommate from college is still in town. I was quite surprised since I hadn't seen her in a while, but I was pleased to see her anyway. We chatted a bit. She even produced wedding photos, so I could admire her dress. So on top of it being Friday, I got back in touch with someone who didn't annoy me. For those who have heard about my roommates, this one probably didn't make the cut. The most annoying thing she ever did was borrowing my keys once and not returning them until after midnight. This proved to not be too annoying since I spent most nights (and early mornings) in the computer lab in my youth. Now, I have my own computer/girlfriend, so I can just curl up with her and go to sleep at night. My wife knows. My wife doesn't mind, so no blackmail potential there.

The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour. ~Japanese Proverb

Not what I have but what I do is my kingdom. ~Thomas Carlyle

A good memory constitutes about 70 percent of what commonly passes for genius. ~Hesketh Pearson (1887-1964)

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way. ~American Proverb

When you clench your fist, no one can put anything in your hand.~Alex Haley

Love is like playing the piano: First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart. ~Author unknown

Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet. ~African Proverb

You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm. ~Colette

Democracy, like love, can survive almost any attack - except negligence and indifference.

When need is greatest, God is nearest. ~German Proverb

When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God. ~Rev. Charles L. Allen

The fireside is the tulip bed of a winter day. ~Persian Proverb

Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up. ~John Andrew Holmes

People in the same boat should help each other. ~Chinese proverb

A book holds a house of gold. ~Chinese Proverb

Shall I take the widow's walk tonight
And hope to see you on my shore at last
Being my heart, my star, my very light
As you so often were in my past

Shall I walk the miles to our place
Bow my head, and let my mind find peace
In the thought of seeing the only face
That could haunt me so, yet bring release

Shall I take the hurricane's hand and find
My way to love, to a chance, to a time
Or slip away slowly to a place in my mind
Where only I know the end of this rhyme.

I could go on for hours about those things and people that I realize more and more don't matter. You know the ones of which I speak. The ones who beg for love, but don't want anyone to know how bad they want you. The ones who rely on you, but they will never have the desire to return even a hint of that devotion. These are the people who want to know your dreams, but never figure out what you really want. This is good because these are also the ones who try to squash your dreams because they fear losing you. Instead, I would rather reflect on those moments that actually make me feel calm.

The new school year has begun and new students have taken over the town. This means that my whole world is full of new faces as well as old ones. Some of the new faces make me smile and I don't know why. It could be because so many of them are young enough to be completely innocent. We even have a young track star who kept running up and down the room while we had class. I believe baby Allyson was even hoping to join him. Had her initial shock worn off, we could have had a real baby track and field. Maybe next week?

We can belong anywhere if we choose. I find too often that I am watching people choose not to be welcome and not to belong and then they want to hold others accountable. I wish people would accept their role as part of the human family, get over themselves, be a little more considerate, and see what a better world we can create when we do so. I, for instance, choose to enjoy working with microfiche. If I didn't choose to do so, no one else would. They would be left all alone in their drawers day after day. Instead, I am giving them a chance to be seen and be useful. I may not be creating something physical, but I am performing the American dream of providing a service. Think about it, we are a service-oriented society. What do you make each day?

I made some fabulous cookies for Monday Mormon Moments. Okay, so they are only fabulous if you are a fruit, sugar, and chocolate junkie. Most of the attendees seemed satisfied. Sadly, chocolate-covered cherry delight cookies may not be everyone's cup of tea. I had few people who commented that they liked them except for the cherry. I shall have to remember that next time I use a recipe from a murder mystery. *smiles*

So what else happened today of note? Well, I fed the cats. I fixed a pair of pants. I haven't slept yet. Nothing else to speak of, but, perhaps, if I fish real hard, I can find something. Oh yes, I tied my shoes. And that is my big news of the day.

Something got me thinking of my sisters today. It did bring a smile to my rather grouchy mind. I have no idea what it was exactly. Perhaps, it was remembering self-less acts like making me a present and presenting it without ever trying to obligate me to repay the kindness. It could be the willingness to listen, simply listen, to me from time to time instead of always expecting me to be the one with the open ears and silent mouth. It could just be my hope for them that all will work out as it should. For some, I can say I feel that is the case right now. For others, I still worry that they allow themselves to be buried under storm clouds that will only wash away the parts of them I love so much.

You will never have a friend if you must have one without faults. ~Italian Proverb

How often we find ourselves turning out backs on our actual friends, that we may go and meet their ideal cousins. ~Henry David Thoreau

"I love you. You must know I love you. I expect you to ask though you love me, too. I want you to adore me, wait for me to finally say it. I want you to be happy but only if it is with me."

"I love you. My love for you has nothing to do with me, but why do you treat me this way? Why don't you keep waiting for me to come to you. What about that time I needed to talk and you weren't there?"

"You never tell me anything anymore. I have to make assumptions to tell people about you. I mean, I know I am right because I know you so well, but you should just tell me."

"Why do you keep talking to me. I don't want to talk to you. Forget about the fact that I bring the conversation to you sometimes and just quit talking to me so I can justify the silence between us."

So it isn't verbatim, but for the most part, I kind of know what is bouncing around in people's brains. I have the flaw of caring enough to be able to see that. I am just tired of being whipped for not being the "perfect" friend or foe who does exactly what is expected. I don't do what is expected, not because I want to be different, but because I think the way most people behave is just as asinine as they view my straight-forward as well as my cryptic moments. Anyway, nothing more to see here since you won't get it, so read some good words:

"Our great need, our great calling, is to bring to the people of this world the candle of understanding to light their way out of obscurity and darkness and into the joy, peace, and truths of the gospel." ~Spencer W. Kimball (Ensign, February 1983, p. 5.)

Wow. I've been so out of it that I forgot to celebrate another milestone in the life of this fabulous site. The infamous journal turned five without any bells, whistles, or fanfare. I will just have to bake it a cake to celebrate. Hopefully, I find the time because I have the peaches. We all need to try out a new and exciting recipe from time to time. It just has to happen.

So I was talking to a friend today. She reinforced one of the great sadnesses of our world to me. She took a personality test to apply for a job. This sounds reasonable, right? From the extent of our discussion, it sounded like they wanted her to lie or be on some heavy drugs. They wanted her to never ever be grumpy. They wanted her to never ever get remotely upset if people criticized you. Some of the questions asked her opinion of most people as opposed to what she would do in a situation. It sounds like a fascinating way to assess someone. Seriously, how would you react if I gave you a lollipop? Go ahead, answer me. No, I can't tell you what flavor it is. I can't tell you if you are hungry at the time. I just want you to tell me right now, would the lollipop make you happy?

Not much else of note happened today. I did my last day of the month desk cleaning. It keeps me young. It also surprises me to find that there really is a desk under all those papers, books, and microfiche. Kind of like I know there is a cabinet behind all the magnets, papers, and other intriguing museum pieces in my cubicle. Yes, someday I must write the coffee table book of my cubicle. Think I could get it published? That, I suppose, is a question only people who have seen the extend of my cubicle's beauty could begin to answer. Even they might be afraid to answer it though.

And now, I have some sleep to get and some things to read. I suppose this means I should leave you to your own devices. Try not to drown in your tears. Tomorrow is another day and I may even find my cheerful muse and make some quips about how groovy the start of a new month is.